Contest Entry for
The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009


I Messed My Panties

(wearing sunglasses for anonymity)

Emmett and his penis. And some other people.

I vomited a little as I wrote this. Seriously.

I don't own this. No-one wants to own this. Stephenie Meyer owns the character names, but if she ever read this
I'm pretty sure she'd disown all of them (shortly after vomiting). But just to be clear, I, for certain, am in no way
responsible for this. Except for having written it. That's all.

I Messed My Panties

"Noooo!!! Why, Bella, why?!!??!!" Edward screamed, his voice braking, tormented anguish coloring every vowel, his deep emotional soul ripping through the air in gasping breaths. He clutched at his hair, pulling out chunks, throwing them to the floor. "I have no sole, Bella, don't you get it? No sooooooul! I am evil, and when you were human I wanted to eat you! EAT YOU!"

"Edward?" Bella's girlish voice chimed in as she watched her husband writhe on the floor. Her eyes had that glazed over look they almost always had when Edward played with his hair. It meant she was horny for him. Her legs were crossed, and she squirmed in her seat as she watched him writhe.

"Edward?" she chirped. "But I like it when you eat me."

Edward gasped, throwing his arms over his head, wailing, then ript his shirt from his body.

"This is the skin of a KILLER, Bella! Can't you see that?!??!??!!!"

Bella continued to writhe on the couch, her breasts thrust out as she watched Edward, now half-naked, clutching at his chest hair, pulling it out also. Her breath came in gasps, speeding up as he writhed.

"Touch your hair, Edward, touch it!" She cried out.

He grabbed a handful of his hair, screaming, "I don't DESERVE hair!!!!" as he ripped it from his head. In that moment Bella let out a moan, her eyes closed tight. Suddenly her eyes opened and she looked at Edward, her hand covering her mouth.

"Ooops. I messed my panties."

"See?!??! I DID that to you. I don't DESERVE you. I don't deserve anything good. I'm an evil person. I'm not even a PERSON! I'm just all BAD STUFF!!"

Bella stood, pulling her panties off under her skirt. A loud hiss erupted from the corner of the room, and without even looking, Bella threw them in the direction of the noise.

"My preciioussss…" hissed the voice. "My preciousss…" A loud chewing sound followed, then the fwapping sound of flesh on flesh.

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett!!!!!!!!!!" Rosalie screamed at him as she stood in front of the entry way mirror. "I'm being pretty here!"

Looking at herself in the mirror, she began to talk to her reflexion in a low, seductive, voice as she ran her hands over her body.

Emmett sat in his corner – the only corner he was allowed in anymore – and continued to masterbait to the aftertaste of Bella's panties.

"I don't deserve Bella's panties!!" Edward screamed from the floor, clutching his hair again, causing Bella to begin to moan.

"I messed my panties again," Bella said quietly.

Jasper stared at her, eyes wide like he was in pain. Unlike Edward, Jasper's hair was doing something weird. It almost looked like he'd had to shave the sides of his head for a movie role, and was wearing a wig instead. He was sitting on the bottom step of the landing, looking scary and tasty all at once with his manly scars and Confettirate Soldier outfit, holding tight to his favorite banjo – the one he chewed on so he could resist eating Bella.

No matter how many times we had told him Bella was no longer human, it didn't sink in. He still wanted to eat her.

But not the same way Emmett wanted to eat her.

"Oooh! Pretty!!" Rosalie said, and walked towards the mirror. A second later the sound of shattering glass filled the room, followed by Rosalie screaming in anguish at the loss of her own reflection.

Two seconds later a little black pointy blur zoomed into the room. "SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!!!" it squealed and ran out again.

Jasper stared at Bella, eyes wide like he was in pain, and slowly bit donw on his banjo, chewing slowly, his eyes never leaving her. His wig still in place.

"I don't DESERVE SHOPPING!!! I deserve to wear nothing but my skin of a killer! Bella!! Bella??! Do you hear me???!! I almost EATED you!"

"I want to eat you," Emmett hissed, holding his huge cock in both hands as he stroked it. "I want to eat your kidneys with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

"I don't DESERVE fava beans!!!!!" Edward screamed, pulling out what little hair was left on his head.

"Ooops…I messed my panties."

Two seconds later a little black pointy blur zoomed into the room. "SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!!!" it squealed and ran out again.

At that moment, Rosalie discovered that the shards of mirror were, in fact small mirrors.

"Oooh! Lots of me's!" She squealed. "Pretty me's! Pretty, pretty, pretty!"

Then Esme walked in, carrying a small dog. Solemnly she approached Bella and Edward, who was hot gluing the hair back onto his head.

"Edward, as my first son, I will introduce you first to the newest member of our family. This is Lacob, he's a werewolf cub. I adopted him, as I did each and every one of you, because we can teach him jhow to me a strong, smart, caring mythical creature."

"Arf!" said Lacob, panting.

"Esme…that's a pug," Edward said, confused.

Esme looked confused too.

"No, Edward, he's a werewolf pup, and he's your new brother. Obviously he was left by the werewolves. Look, I made him a sweater. It says 'Lacob'."

She looked really proud of the sweater. And the pug.

"Fine," Edward said, "but I don't DESERVE a new brother!!!" and he began ripping out the newly glued hair, as he wailed "Who wants to be the brother of a MONSTER??!!!"

Two seconds later a little black pointy blur zoomed into the room. "SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!!!" it squealed and ran out again.

"Ooops. I messed my panties" Bella said, pulling off the panties she was wearing and replacing them with a new pair from the pile on the sofa. She threw the soiled pair in Emmett's direction, it landing with a wet slurp on Emmett's face.

Jasper stared at Bella, chewing his banjo.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Emmett couldn't answer it because both his hands – and his mouth – were full. Bella was switching panties again, and Edward had accidentally glued his head to the carpet. Jasper sighed, a pained expression on his face, and walked to the front door.

Two people stood there. Humans. The alive kind.

"Hi. We're looking for our dog. We lost him around here somewhere. He's a pug."

In the blink of an eye, faster than you can say something really, really fast, Jasper killed them so hard that they weren't the alive kind anymore.

"You killed them!!!!!" Bella screamed.

"It's just his nature, Bella." Edward told her calmly.

"They're hunting Lacob," Esme sobbed. "We need to run. Now! Here, Rosalie, put on Lacob's sweater to confuse the scent. Lacob and I will run south to Arizona."

"No!" Rosalie said. "Why should I do that? What is he to me?"

"Rosalie," Jasper said quietly, blood dripping form his chin, "Lacob's with Esme now, so he's part of our family. We protect our family."

"Fine," Rose huffed, snatching the sweater from Esme and squeezing into it.

Emmett sniffed the air.

"That sweater smells purdy on you."

"I don't DESERVE to smell that sweater on her!!!!" Edward wailed, then realizing he was standing, and flung himself onto the floor.

"I need new panties!!" Bella wailed, flinging herself onto the couch, grabbing at the pile of underwear.

Two seconds later a little black pointy blur zoomed into the room. "SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!! SHOPPING!!!" it squealed and ran out again.

"Arf!" said Lacob, jumping out of Esme's arms and launching himself at Emmett's penis, druy hump[ing it.

Emmett sat in the corner stroking his enormous penis, cuddling it against his cheek with both arms wrapped tightly around it.

My name is Carlisle Cullen. This is my family. That's why I'm on my way to see the Volturi and beg them to kill me. If they won't, I'll commit sparklecide. Because not even the undead should live like this.

PLEASE NOTE: All mis-spellings, punctuation and grammatical errors are intentional, per the rules of this contest. I just had to say it.