Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: This is a short, non-beta-ed one-shot. There is no more of this, though a part of me wants to do a story about the Department of Dead Owls. This was just a spur of the moment thing completed in less than an hour.

Summary: Subtitled: Five Times Death Failed to Collect Hermione Granger.

Living Dead Girl


The Department of Dead Owls
("No we are not the Owl Mortuary, so stop sending deceased owls.")

A single owl made its way to a desk at the center of the department which officially belonged to Lucius Malfoy, though he would never be seen doing such plebian work as sorting dead letters. Instead he left this up to his house elf, Dobby. The letter was actually for Mr. Malfoy, though confused as it had been sent by Madame Hopkirk of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. Inside was a report of accidental magic done by a muggle-born in an attempt to cull the masses. Dobby took one look at it and buried it under the piles of misdelivered letters that would never be delivered.

Death sighed and looked at an hourglass that had refilled.


Sobs echoed through the toilets on the first floor. This was unusual as the sobs usually echoed from the second floor girl's toilets. Then again, when one considers the source they would realize that the source was different than normal. A small first year girl with too large teeth and bushy brown hair was curled up in the back stall crying her eyes out. The reason happened to be that teenage boys (even when they weren't yet teenagers) were mean and petty.

As she paused in mid-sob thinking about drying her eyes and going to get something to eat, someone entered. By the smell she immediately decided that it had to be Peeves come to play a mean trick on her and she opened the door to tell him to go away. Only to scream when she was met with an eight foot tall mountain troll, a midget by mountain troll standards as they are normally nine to eleven feet tall.

Just as her life started to flash before her eyes two familiar boys crashed into the toilets. One jumped on the troll's back and shoved his wand up its nose; the other used the charm that had gotten her into this mess in the first place to drop the troll's club on its head.

Death glared at the innocent hour glass and at the two boys.


A basilisk, that was what was petrifying the students and it was traveling through the pipes. She had to go to Dumbledore and tell him and warn everyone she could on the way.

The second year got up to do just that and saw the sixth year Ravenclaw Prefect, Penelope Clearwater leaving at the same time. "It's a basilisk," she said quickly.

"What?" Penelope said.

"The thing attacking students, it's a basilisk. Slytherin was a parselmouth, therefore his monster would be a snake. No one looks directly in its eyes, so no one has died yet. It's traveling through the pipes," she said quickly.

"Slow down, Granger," Penelope said, pulling out a compact mirror. "Here, we'll go to the headmaster together and use this to peer around corners to make sure neither of us die."

Hermione nodded, clutching the torn sheet of paper with the information on it.

Death glared at the young girl who was now as close to death as one could be without actually dying. "YOU ARE MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU'RE WORTH, GIRL."


"Silencio," she said point her wand at the Death Eater. She was scared out of her wits, she knew this had been a trap, but Harry wouldn't listen to reason.

A purple light came out of the Death Eater and her last thought before unconsciousness claimed her was, 'I didn't know that spells could be cast silently.'

Death stood by for several hours, but the girl was forgotten by the hostile forces and shortly before she bled out she was transported to the Hogwart's hospital wing where a blood replenisher was forced down her throat as her wounds were mended.


Hermione looked on in shock as Harry was being strangled by the snake that had come out of Bagshot's body. She knew she didn't have much time to act, for all she knew Voldemort was coming.

She tried to think, but no thought came to her. She wondered if she were the one actually being strangled. "Crucio," a cold high pitched voice said behind her.

Oh god the pain, she prayed for Death to come for her, but he would not. He had grown tired of failure where she was concerned. It all happened so fast, she said the first spell to come to mind, "Reducto."

And before she knew it, she and Harry were safely miles away, though Harry was short one wand.