25 December - OH MY GOLLY GOSH CHRISTMAS

5.30am I am up. It is Christmas. I have had three cups of coffee to ensure maximum present appreciation. (It would look bad if I fell asleep while opening gifts. Ungrateful and such.)

5.35am Woo! I actually got some lovely gifts this year. Stellar stellar stellar. Petunia gave me a copy of the Bible with "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" underlined and bookmarked. Har bloody har. But Potter was actually really thoughtful for once. Instead of sending me some garish piece of jewelry with the words "LETZ B SOULMATEZ" stamped across it in rhinestones (3rd year), he put together a little notebook of all the books that my favourite professors recommend I read. Add to that books, a purse and nice shoes from the parental units, and miscellaneous gag gifts from various Hogwarts friends.

Anyway. Sitting on my bed debating whether or not I should send Potter back his present as per usual. Would it be cheating if I copied out all the lists first and then just made him think I sent it back without looking through it? Would that just be plain mean? I mean… I usually send back his present because I object to it so much; it's much easier to reject socks charmed to chant love poems (4th year) than to return something that obviously took a lot of thought. Blaaaaargh.

Perhaps I will sleep on it.

5.45am Note to self: Coffee works. Do not use if sleep is anywhere in foreseeable future (ie. The next six years or so)

7.30am I actually got to sleep! And then I woke up and called Alice. Get this: SHE WASN'T AWAKE YET! ON CHRISTMAS DAY! In fact, she had the gall to inform me that (and I quote pretty much directly) '-no one else has gotten up so bloody early in the morning for Christmas since they were about three years old so go back to sleep and stop jabbering on about James fucking Potter's tacky present.' I was very annoyed and tried to explain that the present wasn't tacky, and this was why I had called her in first place, and wasn't she listening at all? But she hung up.

List for self of people who are bad friends and should never be called in times of crisis:

Alice

(Note to self: Remember to add more friends to this later. Perhaps make other bad friends just so that this list looks somewhat less ridiculous)

9:35am The rest of my family is opening presents. I feel rather left out. They should plan ahead for things like this and store my presents under a secret floorboard or locked safe and only take them out right about now so that I don't spend most of Christmas feeling depressed.

9.36am Alternative solution: They should buy me more presents and then have many present opening ceremonies throughout the day.

9.37am Better alterative: They should buy me so many presents that it takes all day to open all of them. Yes. I am a genius.

9.38am Slightly less good but probably more feasible alternative: They should make the wrapping so complicated on the presents they do get me that it takes me all day to unwrap them. Perhaps puzzle locks are in order. I will see what I can do.

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2.45pm Mmmm… food coma. Honestly, if I could be in any state of existence all the time, it would be this one. So. Much. Turkey.

ALSO. After much deliberation, I have made my decision about the Potter situation. I am keeping the present. BUT. He is not getting a thank you card. If this seems rude, then please keep in mind that the stationary set that Alice gave me for Christmas (which is very hilarious and full of jokes about ducks) only has ten cards in it. And I have to send eight cards out as thank yous (if you count Alice), and that only leaves two cards. And I always keep two cards in each stationary set because I need one just to save for memories and the other in case there is an emergency in which I think that a card from a certain set would be absolutely perfect for a certain person.

Obviously I cannot possibly give Potter the emergency card. There is no emergency that makes duck-related jokes super appropriately relevant to him. Therefore I am perfectly justified in not thanking him for his present.

Oh my god. Does this make me a horrible person? I should have gotten coal.

2.48pm Have decided this is a ploy on Potter's part to make me feel guilty and bad about myself. He is such a jerk. Jerks don't deserve thank you cards.

Final Verdict: I am a good person after all.