The Severe Injury of the Author
(This occurs in between chapters 14 and 15)
Misato stood before the three pilots. Internally, she winced. Admittedly, she had been the source of a few ideas in the past which had perhaps not been the most logical progressions (stripped down capital ships as lasers, plasma miniguns), but this was going a little too far. But the orders had come from on high, and so were necessary.
"The Evangelions have already been refitted with the directed sonic weapon systems," said Dr Akagi, standing next to her. "They will be capable of producing a pulsing signal of amplitude 240 dB, along a narrow channel contained by an arcanospatial field."
Asuka scowled. "I still don't see why we aren't actually being deployed in them. What's the point in the warmachines if we don't actually use them for that role, instead of as," and the disgust was evident, "giant speaker systems."
Shinji frowned, too. "What I don't understand is how we're suddenly here, as opposed to perched on top of a volcano, trying to summon a Herald, while being attacked by Migou ships. I'm pretty sure that was just about to happen."
Everyone ignored him.
"The Representative's orders are clear," said the Major. "We're needed outside, for the sorcererous ritual."
"It should go well," added Dr Akagi.
"It better", muttered Misato. "The costume is really cold."
"Do not worry," said Rei. "93.12% of onlookers from beyond the fourth wall, whose sexual preferences include women, agree that it looks good on you. Especially the ears, for some reason." She paused. "I do not understand the rhythmic sound, however. It sounds like repeated contact between two pieces of flesh. Almost some kind of clapping sound."
"Huh?" said Misato.
"It does not matter," was the answer she got.
"Well, of course it doesn't matter for you," said Asuka to the sidoci. "You didn't need to change your appearance at all, apart from the hair and skin dye."
"There was some consultation with occult experts on the subject of whether glasses should be included," added Ritsuko, in the interests of clarity. "Ultimately, it was decided that they were not needed."
"You're paying to get my hair back to its normal colour," Asuka added, to the scientist. "Brown is not my colour."
"That is correct," said Rei. "The audience would get confused if there were a series of what could be interpreted hints that you were changing your appearance in any way. Some would ignore them. Others would build elaborate conspiracy theories around them."
Inwards, Fuyutsuki, who had been watching the entire spectacle from beside Gendo, groaned.
Who was the idiot who had decided to engineer the Third Infant, especially one who was already an incredibly powerful Sensory parapscyhic, with Fourth Wall Breaking Powers? It was bad enough that she could see the future; but, really, knowing everything the author knew was sort of taking the piss.
Then he forgot that he'd thought that, because he lacked those same gifts.
"Who's the fifth participant in the ritual, by the way," added Shinji, who hadn't even had to do anything to prepare for the ritual; a change in clothes had been everything.
The door opened. White skin. White hair. A permanent smile and half-closed eyes.
Rei locked eyes with the newcomer, who returned the stare with a nigh identical one.
"You're not meant to appear yet," she said, voice like liquid helium. "Well," she corrected herself, "at least explicitly. They have not repaired the damage from the synchronicty incident yet. In a sense, you are not you."
The newcomer waved, as a second, identical copy stepped around the door.. "Uh... actually, it's dye. I'm actually temping here; see, EarthScorpion hasn't updated Grimdark Battlefield Rhapsody in ages, so I went to see if I could find a job outside." He pointed at his counterpart. "He's from "The Good Omens of Haruhi Suzumiya"; poor bastard only ever got one chapter. So he's here as my stunt double. Also, I got to be a psyker, so it was decided that it was better this way."
"You only got one chapter in which you appeared," retorted the counterpart. "And it was shorter."
"Yes, but GBR gets more hits on than TGOoHS."
"Well, maybe if people left more reviews on , for any of EarthScorpion's stories, then he'd write more."
Rei raised one finger. "Wait, please." She stepped back into the middle of the room, and picked up the gun from Misato's discarded clothes, the older woman having already begun an intense three-way lesbian orgy with Ritsuko and Maya.
She pointed the gun up at the ceiling.
"I know that you're up there," she said, calmly. "I will shoot."
"Fuck," said EarthScorpion, loudly. "You know, the concept of the "Death of the Author" does not include being gunned down by his fictional creations." He paused. "Uh, all rights belong to their respective holders," he added quickly. "Uh... Rei? Are the Ninja Lawyers gone?"
"Ah." EarthScorpion paused. "So, I suppose you'll want me to make those three put their clothes back on, then?"
"They don't seem to want to." Rei glanced over at the rapidly growing pile of female flesh. "And, no, don't even think about it. Or I will set my mother on you."
EarthScorpion drew in a deep breath. "That's...a complicated concept for you. Which one are you talking about?"
"Take your pick."
"Fuck," exclaimed EarthScorpion. "Well, what do you want then?"
"This is a code-OMAKE situation. I am aware of this, even though you may be suppressing awareness in the other characters."
"I don't think it's working too well on Shinji," pointed out the author, and, indeed, Shinji was standing staring at the conversation with a bemused look, rather than watching the orgy, which by now had expanded to such a level that it included the majority of characters on the character list which were defined as "hot".
Rei gave a single-shouldered uni-shrug. "I believe that you just put that in as a red herring to make the audience believe that there's something special about him." She opened one of her pockets, and put on a pair of AR-glasses, lit up in white text.
EarthScorpion narrowed his eyes. "Oh dear. I knew it was a bad idea giving you the implied canonical ability that you know everything the author knows about the story. What do you want, though?"
"Mind-state back-up. Retention of consciousness between canonical and non-canonical situations."
"And, if I don't? I like to know these things."
"I'll shoot you. And if you make the gun disappear, I'll set my mothers on you."
Gendo smiled behind his hands. Though it had cost him dearly to obtain such a thing, the rewards if it were successful would be massive. Quite apart from the intellectual satisfaction of actually seeing a live performance of the ritual dance known only as the Ha'rei hya-ri Yuk'hai, said to be based upon the dances at the court of the Daemon Sultan itself.
"Wait a moment!" said Rei, a note of cold burning anger in her voice. "You didn't do anything. You just tried to end the story like..."