Cao Cao believes that answering letters in one of the most stressful and facepalming duties of a ruler. This is portrayed in the form of his letters, which offer some insight into his perspective on the happenings of the three kingdoms. Although this is not an interaction-based story of any sort, we're always open to new ideas if you want to suggest anything.

Thanks from the three of us!


Dear Liu Bei,

No thank you. Mine is bigger, longer, and harder than yours. I am perfectly happy with mine, and my wife, all my concubines, and Xiahou Dun all think it is just fine. In fact, I just took him out for a ride on it today and he mentioned that even though he didn't like it at first he rather enjoys going with me now, although I was going to fast and could afford to pace it a little slower. Plus, I already have a skin that covers it when it's not in use.

In conclusion, I don't want to trade carriages. Thank you for the offer anyways.


Dear Zhou Yu,

I have absolutely no clue where you got the idea that I want the Qiao sisters. I do not want the Qiao sisters and never did. Not then, not now.

I believe all the confusion started with something I said in Chi Bi. Let me set this straight. What I said was, I recall, was "Oh yes, and we can put those annoying little kids in with the monkeys and Prettyboy with my concubines." Firstly, I was being sarcastic. I hope you have sarcasm where you come from. Secondly, if I had to follow through with that, let me remind you, YOU are the aforementioned Prettyboy so unless you want to end up here in the women's quarters, do not insist on me following through with that!

I was never in any way interested in putting the Xiao sisters in Luoyang State Zoo. Yes, I assure you it has adequate facilities for caring for all sorts of creatures, and yes, if they were there they would be excellently taken care of, fed, kept warm, and given mobiles to keep them stimulated, but the point is we don't want them. Last time they came here even the guinea pigs got scared.

First, you were trying to sell them to me. Now, you're offering me money to take them off your hands. Isn't that a bit suspicious? You are probably trying to assassinate me or something.


Dear Sun Shangxiang,

I am sorry to hear of your troubles with your husband. Yes, it must be annoying to have Midget Dragon follow you around everywhere making sure you do not follow your free will and set fire to his capitol… Do not worry; I understand what you say perfectly. It is only natural that some women prefer the friendship of men and the romantic relations with other women. In fact, I forwarded your letter to my oldest son's second concubine, a very intelligent women who sympathizes with your pains.

But I am sorry, it simply would not be a wise move for me to head south and launch a full-scale attack on Shu so that you can escape. You carry the all-too-common misconception that I have the manpower and resources to take over all of China any time I want. I assure you if this were the case I would do so as fast as I could. I am afraid that I cannot spare a couple hundred thousand men to attack Shu at the moment.

You have my sympathies. Please continue to be yourself and give Liu Bei as big a headache as you can.


Dear Zhang He,

To answer your previous requests… Oh, yes, of course you may meet with Guan Yu. Yes, you may 'be yourself.' Of course you can wear whatever you like, anything for such a close general, and I am sending you the dress you requested with this letter. Yes, you may press sexual advances on him. No, I won't blame you if he develops feelings for you. Zhang Liao presents his warmest regards for that idea and says, if I can quote, "Oh hell yes please go for it anything to keep beardy away from me." Something along that line.


Dear Lu Meng,

First of all, let me say that I appreciate your concern for my son and that it is a fine thing for you to care about the next generation of your enemies. It is a heartwarming thing indeed to write me of your concerns.

However, as much as we value your support, Cao Pi is not gay. He is interested in three things: women, war, and shiny things. As far as I am concerned, he is the least gay of all of us here in Wei.

But of course I would fully support him if he was gay. I would never disown him solely based on his sexuality, although what he said about my poetry is certainly grounds for that. No, I would not attempt to heterosexualize him, partially because I would accept him for who he is, but mostly because I'M gay.


Dear Gan Ning:

I cannot understand your letter. The entire thing is a mass of lower class slang and bad handwriting. Use proper grammar, imbecile. And next time please do not write letters to me while drunk.

Well, I certainly did not know that about Ling Tong. But I will certainly keep that in mind. Thank you.


Dear Ling Tong,

Sorry, I got Gan Ning's letter first.


Dear Ma Chao,

Are you so sure about that? Gan Ning killed Ling Tong's father too, and now they're shoving their tongues down each others' throats.

You do not need to hate me so much. It will not end well for you. If you continue following this tainted justice of yours, you will realize your goals had no point!


Dear Zhao Yun,

No, I did not mean to send Ma Chao off on a distant soul-searching journey! No, that was definitely not my intent. I was only making fun of him. No, I do not know where he is. I am sorry, I cannot be held responsible for his angsty teenageness. Good luck, though.


Dear Zhou Yu,

NO we cannot put them in with the monkeys. Let me restate: I was kidding. Monkeys are actually almost intelligent creatures. I'm sure they would be offended.


Xiahou Dun,

Dun-Dun, thank the gods that finally I get a letter that doesn't make me want to take a swandive off of the top of the watchtower! Yes, I will be glad to see you again. Good work on the border. Keep it up. It is so stressful here these days that I just feel like getting away from it all.


Dun,

No, I am not considering suicide! I was joking! No, I am not going to kill myself, and no, do not send out a message saying that I've died! No, I repeat, no, I am not going to die right now! Don't worry! No, when said I wanted to get away from it all, I meant I wanted to take a vacation, not send myself to the afterlife!


Dun,

NO, DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE! I'm not asking you to commit suicide either! Don't worry! You have not caused me as much undue anxiety and stress as some of these other letters! Sometimes I wish they just never came in the first place! No, do not kill yourself!


Dun,

I'm not asking you to stop the postal service either! I appreciate you trying to be helpful, but please, do not worry about me. It is just so hectic with the borders going- nevermind, just come home.


Dun,

You're overthinking it.