Disclaimer: I do NOT own the following wrestlers, or any of the events that actually happened on camera, or anything else mentioned that is recognizable.
I respect the actual beliefs and sexualities of the following wrestlers.
More crackfic! So, this came up in a random conversation on Twitter. I don't know how. It's Bret the Hitman Hart and a Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns. Yeah, it sounds weird, but give it a try. I like it. So, I'll have to dedicate this to wrestlefan4, because she inspired it. Go ahead, and enjoy!
Bread and Roses
Bret Hart watched his television, crushing his cup in his hands. How dare Vince play with him like that? He said that this would be a 'professional' deal. Ha, he must've been a complete and total retard for believing that the old fart would uphold the 'professional' part of the deal. He practically dragged his name through the mud on the TV.
And then there was Shawn. If anything, Shawn Michaels made him angrier than Vince did. The brat not only completely overlooked him for the Undertaker, but he also acted like his return would be no big deal. How dare Shawn act like he was insignificant? How dare Shawn rate Mark fucking Calaway, the man Bret defeated so many times, over Bret himself?
Half of him wanted to crush his small throat, but the other half couldn't help but wonder what made the blonde so cocky. When he last saw Shawn (only in passing, from afar, at the 2006 Hall of Fame), Shawn looked completely upset, and Bret couldn't help but be smug. The fact that he could effect Shawn so strongly, even a decade later, brought a smile to his face.
But now Shawn didn't care. It was as if Bret didn't exist; and Bret hated the blonde for it. After everything they went through, after all the heartbreak and lies, after all the pain Bret had to go through, he wanted Shawn to suffer like he suffered. And now he didn't care.
"Hmph." Bret looked over to the kitchen, and he saw Wonder Bread sitting on the table, looking pissed. "I swear, every time that man- if you can call someone as feminine as that little bitch a man- shows up on television, you forget I exist."
Bret sighed. "I'm over Shawn."
"You're over him. Yeah right. I swear, every time the tart appears on the TV, you're putty in his hands again." Wonder Bread hopped off the table and over to Bret, tapping one of the many hot dog buns in the plastic package against the floor. "Stop looking at him! Do I have to remind you how you were after he screwed you?"
"No, 'Read," Bret said, calling Wonder Bread by the affectionate nickname, "I remember."
"You were crying!" Wonder Bread said, reminding him anyway, "You were upset! How could he do that to me? I loved him? Didn't I mean anything to him?" Bret looked down, saddened by the words. "He should have understood; I was a hometown hero! I never would have made Shawn lose his last match in Texas!"
"I remember!" Bret roared, unable to hear anymore.
"Do you remember how long it took to make you feel better?" Wonder Bread asked, hopping onto the couch and cuddling next to Bret. "I was your shoulder to cry on for so long; you made me into soggy toast. And finally, you realized you didn't need Shawn; all you needed was me. Do you remember the first time you put the hot dog between my buns?"
Bret nodded, stroking Wonder Bread, remembering the wonderful experience. "You slicked my buns up first," Wonder Bread said, cuddling closer, "Oh, you made sure I was nice and moist. Then, you put the big, throbbing meat in between my buns- it was amazing, Bret, do you remember? I do."
Bret nodded again, his eyes glazing. "I happen to remember eating you out after I put my meat into you. Mmm, you're so delicious."
"You have a wonderful mouth, Bret." Wonder Bread purred. "As soon as you took a bite into me, I squirted everywhere... oh Bret..."
"What do you say we put on a repeat performance?" Bret asked, "After all... I have to show you that you mean way more to me than some silly blonde."
"You mean it, Bret?" Wonder Bread gasped.
"Of course, 'Read." Bret picked up Wonder Bread, eliciting a giggle from the doughy treat, before carrying 'Read to the table. He laid Wonder Bread down on the table and opened the plastic casing, revealing the sweet buns. He placed his hands on the sides of the buns, parting them and making Wonder Bread giggle even more.
He reached for the mustard and poured some in between the buns before spreading it generously. Wonder Bread moaned as Bret prepared the bread for his long, warm, hard meat.
He went to the stove and turned it off, looking at the wieners that he cooked. He grabbed one with a fork and brought it over to Wonder Bread, placing it between the bread. He squeezed the buns around the meat, making Wonder Bread groan even more. Then, he picked it up, brought the hot dog to his lips, and took a bite out of it.
"Oh yes Bret!" Bret took another bite, feeling mustard stain his bottom lip. "Please- more!" Bret took another bite, savoring the delicious taste. He kept eating until there was nothing left, nothing but Wonder Bread's panting and the mustard on Bret's face.
"Promise me you won't fall in love with Shawn again while you're at RAW," Wonder Bread finally begged when the breathing was even.
Bret licked it off, winking at the Wonder Bread. "Oh babe, you know you'll always come first. But I can't promise Shawn won't fall in love with me."
Wonder Bread glared at him. "Arrogant pig!" Wonder Bread tied the plastic bag back together again, making sure none of the dough was sticking out. "No more buns for you tonight!" Wonder Bread stomped off to their room, and Bret looked from the pot to Wonder Bread's retreating back, stunned.
"But- but-" He looked at the wieners in the pot before screaming, "I can go at least two more times!" The proclamation didn't faze Wonder Bread, who disappeared into their room. Bret sat at the table, pouting. "Don't let my hot meat go to waste!"
"Good night, Bret!"
Bret rolled his eyes. "I hope you get a yeast infection, bitch."
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Wonder Bread screeched.
"Nothing, nothing," Bret said quickly. He put his head in his hands. "Damn, I'm whipped."
Well... there it is. Don't judge me.