1. Purge

Pairings: Zexion/Axel, Demyx/Roxas, and possible Sora/Riku (if I get bored) Others are possible but not planned at this point.

Rating: M

Warnings: Eating Disorders, depression, self-deprecation, lemons and limes later I think

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters.


Author's Note: Please enjoy but keep in mind that this could get very dark sometimes. I haven't truly decided how far into the disorder I will go. I encourage you to get help if you do have an eating disorder btw, this is in no way promoting them. I simply need an outlet for my own issues with food.


Freezing liquid down my throat, faster, I could not drink enough to kill the trembling of my stomach. I wanted to scream at it, to tell it to shut the hell up. I didn't care what it thought it needed because it was just lying to me. I had to wash out the taste… my throat was throbbing… Where was my salt? I searched frantically for a few minutes, half choking as I tried to breath. There, there it was, hidden under my bed. Why did I hide the salt? Christ, I was a little too paranoid. I measured some out, and dumped it into my drink. Gargle, I had to gargle it. The cold numbed me, the salt healed it. It stung a little though.

I looked to the evidence in the center of my room, a shopping bag, two actually double bagged to avoid a mess. It looked odd, propped open 'just so' and placed in the exact center of the room, the liquids were slightly visible. You couldn't smell it yet. I bounced on the balls of my feet a little, nervous. I needed to tie it and throw it away. I needed more water, I spit out the mouth full I had gargled and looked into the bag. I could see the flamboyant jell-o I had eaten. Red cherry, that meant I had gotten it all up. There was assorted other colors, but I half ignored them.

Had I really eaten all of that? Had I really allowed that filth into my body? I shuddered to think about it. I gargled some more, I couldn't brush my teeth but the taste of those god forsaken cheese curls wouldn't leave me alone. Once I spit that mouthful out, I blew my nose again, Jesus, all I could smell was vomit. I was not hungry, at least that was good. My stomach had probably stretched out again though. Damn it. My hand smelt like the diet vanilla coke I had sipped while getting all of the food down, it made it easier to purge. I was getting too good at this. My music was turned up loud, to block out the gagging sounds, and I was ready to throw it all away, and take my pretty blue, maximum strength laxatives, just in case. I needed more water though…

I tied the bags closed tightly, feeling the full weight of all the acids and food. All of that had been in me. Why had I let it all in me? What was wrong with me? I stuffed the tied up two bags into a paper bag and went downstairs, to the kitchen, an threw it all away, washing the salt out of the cup and filling it once more, first with ice, and then with cold water. There was snow on the ground outside still… I rinsed my mouth out with another plain mouth full from the tap, and grabbed a napkin, blowing my nose, before I full out washed my hands. I felt like I needed a shower. I still felt filthy, like the food was still in me. My stomach made odd noises again, but I ignored it.

Empty is thin, and thin is beautiful.

I chanted that again and again, I had to, there was no other way that I would remember and obey all the rules if I didn't repeat that over and over.

Sometimes it felt like I was trying to convince myself, and then, all I had to do was look in the mirror and pinch my fat, and I knew. Big was not beautiful, skinny was sexy. I could see my ribs almost clearly. It made me smile a little every time I saw them. Every time I caught a glance of my collar bones, each and every time my hip bones smiled up at me…

I loved it.

"Axel, turn your music off please, especially if you're not in your room!" My mother called from the living room. If only she knew the things I hid. If only she knew how I was dying on the inside… No one knew. No one could ever know.

Author's Note: So what do you think? It's written in a weird format… but what can I say, I was mid-break down when I started to write this. And yes, Axel is out of character, but he's alone, and hurting. So give it a little. You'll see the two sides I have set up in my mind.

Review for me? Please and thank you. I reply to all the reviews I get so that's good. And hopefully, I'll update soon, if anyone wants more that is.

Preview: His eyes scanned the room, and flashed over me… Through me. He was looking through me, because I was invisible, I didn't even make it into his view. I was just a bookworm emo. I could feel the chill of everything setting into my bones. He would never notice me.

Just watching him could be enough… right? I could always watch him. I wasn't an attention whore or anything, but, was it really too much to ask that he would just see me? I just wanted him to know I was alive… I wished he would see me.

People always say, be careful what you wish for, because just as my chest heaved with a sigh, and that wish formed in my mind, his eyes focused on me. Directly on me. I panicked, and almost dumped over the cappuccino my hand had been grasping at. My eyes flicked nervously away from his, focusing back on my book, and the drink, going between the to as out of the corner of my eyes, I could trace his movements. They were movements towards me. Closer and closer he came as my invisibility slipped away. He could see me, couldn't he? I had never thought what would happen if he really could see me. Sure, I had fantasized but, I had never logically thought out what could happen if he noticed me.

Then, he turned away, as quickly as he had started towards me. I looked up as he made his way through the shelves of books, taking the spark of terrifying hope with him. I had probably imagined him seeing me.