Title - When all hope is lost (Dear God)

Episode – 3.16

Summary: Two weeks after Dean died, Sam says his last Amen. Part of the "Dear God" series.

NOTE: I probably won't write these in order of the episodes so when I've done a few of these I'll post a chronological list on my LJ and put the link in each chap so you don't have to trawl through my fics.


Dear God,

I've never really believed in miracles, but I've always believed in you. So I guess what I'm asking for is a miracle. I've prayed to you everyday for the past year; longer than that but the last year has been the most important. It's never been a problem that you didn't answer them before or that I couldn't tell when you did, not until today. Not until Dean died. I believed that you'd save Dean. That you'd keep him here with me. I swore that I'd do anything you asked. But you don't ask for anything, you don't do anything. You let him die…I know that it's not your fault. It's mine. All of it is but you're God. You can do anything. You can bring him back. There are no shady deals with you, no sacrificing. I believe that you're good holy, you won't ask anything.

I need somebody to blame, I need to do something. You have to bring him back. How am I supposed to keep my faith? How am I supposed to keep the will to live? You let me down, let Dean down. You're supposed to love all of us, protect us. How can you let me go through this pain and let Dean burn in hell?

You're supposed to forgive. You were supposed to forgive Dean. You were supposed to forgive me. Without Dean, I'm nothing. I can't do this by myself. I…I had a whole year. A whole year to save him but I failed. Dean wouldn't have failed. He would not have been holding my dead body in his arms, crying his heart out until there were no tears left to fall. He wouldn't have seen my body being ripped to shreds by savages. All that blood…it haunts me. Every second of the day. I see it like it happened yesterday. It's been two weeks and this nightmare still isn't over. That makes it real. It means that Dean won't come back. So I can't believe in you, you said not to worry about tomorrow but how can I not? I want Dean back today, tomorrow and forever. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from all evil? If you know my destiny, our destiny why couldn't you alter our path? Why did you lead Dean into temptation, why didn't you deliver us from all evil?

Why won't you answer me? Why didn't you give me a miracle and save my brother. Why did you let him die?

I wish you would bring him back but I know that you won't, not yet. I hope that one day he comes back to me. That one day I can make this right. Only you can save me now. Maybe one day you will relieve me of this pain, remove the poison the seeps through my veins.

But until then, this is my last Amen. Because I can't take it anymore,

I don't have any hope. Without hope, you can't have faith

Amen.


This is my last fic of 2009!

happy new year everyone!!! xx thanks for reading my fics, it means a lot to me.