Title: Every End
Spoilers: Through Sectionals, to be safe (:
Word Count: 2,219
A/N: Well… this is my first fic in a very long time. My first Glee fic ever. I'm probably gonna be writing some more one-shots for this fandom, if this one isn't to horrible. It's KurtxFinn, which I'll probably be doing more of because the possibility of that relationship (even if it's not possible) is just too cute! Please R&R, and critique is appreciated. I looked over this so I apologize if there's any spelling errors… the lyrics throughout this fic are also from the song Searching, Reaching, Seeking, Always by We Came As Romans. Enjoy!
"And every end is just the start to something else,
I think that if we ever stopped seeking out,
What it is that keeps us going.
Then we'll never stop searching for the piece,
The heart that will keep us loving."
As I cracked open the door slightly, I desperately wanted to groan as the macabre lyrics filled my ears. Of course Finn was depressed, but did he really have to listen to such terrible music? Not like I was honestly going to tell him that. He was my friend, and he was depressed… he had a right to mope if he wanted too. Yet it worried me. Ever since the Quinn and Puck debacle, he seemed different. He wasn't going to school. He was ignoring Rachel. He had shut out everyone in Glee. Everyone except me. We had certainly grown close over the past couple months, especially with all the Quinn drama. We had started spending more time together, and now we were pretty much as close as could be. Not that I was going complain: being this close to Finn was like heaven. The fact he confided in me, that he trusted me… it made me happy inside. As if there might be a chance he might finally notice how I really felt about me. A part of me knew that it was stupid to dwell on this pathetic crush. That I needed to move on. But I just couldn't.
"Finn?" I asked as I stepped into the room. "I-I brought you your homework."
As he turned towards me, I couldn't help but feel my heart break as I laid my eyes on him. He looked completely disheveled. I could tell he hadn't washed his hair in days. It looked like he hadn't bothered to his clothes either. It was a mess. I wasn't sure what to do—but as looked at me, it was a look I had never seen before. As someone who always seemed so confident and assured as he walked down the halls, Finn looked broken. Why wouldn't he? His life had been shattered into a million pieces. He looked so troubled, and it bothered me. I had never seen him so fragile, so helpless. Like he didn't even know what to do next.
"Thanks, Kurt." He said, almost devoid of any emotion. "I kinda feel bad making you get my stuff everyday. You really don't have too."
"It doesn't bother me." I replied with a shrug. He gave me a weird look, as if he was trying to figure out if I was lying or not. The pressure of his eyes upon me caused me to blish slightly. I always got embarrassed whenever he looked at me like that.
"Really, Finn. I don't mind. Honestly. Besides, Rachel is the one who has been gathering it all up, actually. She just gives it to me. Considering… well, you know."
I knew better than to mention the fact he was basically ignoring everyone else. After all, I didn't want to end up on that black list too. I couldn't help but notice Finn grunt as Rachel's name was mentioned. Was he still upset at Rachel for telling him about Quinn? Rachel herself hadn't done anything wrong, of course. But the fact she had told Finn in order to have him to herself didn't rest well with the football player. I understood this completely; a part of me was even happy that Finn was snubbing Rachel. But I knew that he would forgive her eventually and the inevitable would happen, that they would get together.
"Yeah. I get it." Finn mumbled, almost devoid of any emotion. "Do you have to leave any time soon?
I froze, shaking my head. "No, why?"
""Um… I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out for a little bit. I get it if you don't want too though. You've probably got stuff to do…"
"No, my schedule is free. My ballet class was cancelled and I can't go to the manicurist today because she's all booked up."
"Cool." Finn replied with a goofy smile. Chances are he had no idea what was talking about. "Put all that homework on my desk and come have a seat."
Smiling back, I walked over to his desk to find a place to set the books and papers I had carried in with me. Finn's room was a mess, his desk even more so. It was cluttered with all the homework I was bringing over (and that Finn obviously wasn't doing), but an assortment of sports magazines whose titles blended together, old paper plates, and everything else I could imagine. I resisted the urge to throw up as my hand touched something very cold and clearly very greasy.
"Ugh, Finn! Is this… pizza?!"
Moving my hand away quickly and wiping it on the back of his computer chair (there was no way in hell I was getting my pants dirty – they were Ralph Lauren, after all). I dropped the homework immediately on the desk, not caring what it smashed and made my way over to Finn's bed, plopping down to take a seat next to him (although making sure not to sit too close). As disgusting as Finn's room was, I always loved being in it. I never really understood why, but maybe it was because it let me be closer to him. He was always a different kind of person when we were alone, more open about things. I liked that part the best. There was a silence as I sat there, looking at my nails.
"So if we keep searching out what is right,
Moving on after being set back,
Searching out what keeps us strong.
This path we choose is not the easiest to walk upon,
And knowing I am eager to continue on,
Because I know when I reach the end,
I'll be better than before."
"You know, I never really thought you the type of guy to be into screaming that attempts to parade it's self as music." I said, in an attempt to break the silence. "You really look more like a Fallout Boy kinda guy."
"But I do like Fallout Boy…" Finn said in response, as confused as ever.
"It's a figure of speech Finn." I said sarcastically, before I lost my straight face and busted up. He was so dense sometimes! Apparently Finn found something funny about the whole situation too, because he started laughing too.
"Thanks." He said, leaving me stunned.
"I didn't do anything. Thanks for what?"
"Just… for all the stuff you've done. For bringing me my homework, for hanging out with me… making me laugh for the first time in days. You always help me out and stuff. So thanks."
I smiled and I immediately felt my cheeks burn as I started to blush. Finn was always polite and always thanked me whenever I did something for him, but it was never like this. But like always, I was probably reading too much into it. Even when Finn was nice to me, it hurt. It hurt because he was so genuine and sincere whenever he said thank you. It just made me love him even more. It made me angry because he was right there, being so nice – yet he was so stupid. Couldn't he tell how badly I wanted him? That I wanted to sit closer to him than I already was? There were so many things I just wanted to blurt out, but I knew I would never be able too. Yet Finn's laughter stopped before it had even got started, and I noticed him sigh heavily, before staring down at the floor.
I was concerned. "What's wrong? You were just laughing a minute ago… like you were yourself again. Now you look as sad as ever."
"I dunno." He retorted. "It's just… I don't think anyone cares about me."
I noticed the tears beginning to pool up in his eyes. Before I knew it, he was crying. Finn Hudson. The tough guy who had so much confidence, the typical jock, was crying. I'd never seen Finn cry. I always figured he was one of those guys who thought it was too girly to cry. Of course he'd get upset like anyone else, but he'd take it out in different ways. He'd punch a wall, or scream, or anything else. But I knew now that he cried just like I did when I was upset. Just like so many other people did. As the tears fell from his face, I scooted closer, because I felt so bad for him. Because I wanted to make it all better, even though I knew I couldn't. Wrapping one of my arms around him, I began to rub his back slowly. I was almost certain he would scoot away, but I was surprised at what happened next.
He leaned in against me, burying his face into one of my shoulders. I was paralyzed. It was awkward to have him so close to me, but it was also one of those things I had thought about everyday of my life. I never thought I'd be this close to him, to feel his warmth. As he continued to sob, I found my free hand reaching down to his. I knew I was pushing my luck, but at this point I didn't care. Taking his hand in mine, I began to rub it softly, kneading the skin with my thumb. It was at this point that I knew that he didn't mind what was I doing. He pulled away his hand, not out of his disgust, but to grab mine. To hold it. As I felt his fingers entwine with mine, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening! I wanted it to last forever.
It felt like an eternity. We sat there, and I held him as tight as I could, holding his hand, letting him know that everything was going to be okay the only way I could. After awhile, he stopped crying. His sobs became softer and softer until he had stopped. But he remained in my embrace, almost lifeless. I was afraid to move, or to even breathe, fearing that a single movement would cause him to pull away. This was probably the only chance I would have to be this close to Finn. He was always nice to me, but I knew that he would never want to talk about this, that he would deny it to his grave. All I had was a pathetic little crush. The sooner I got over it, the better. Yet it was the little setbacks that kept me clinging on—when he smiled at me, when he spoke to me. Yet if he had no problem leaning on me, hugging me, and even holding my hand, was there a chance for me? For us? Even if he was upset? I couldn't hold it in any longer.
"Kurt." Finn said, his voice hoarse from the sobs. "Thanks. Again. For um… for everything."
"Finn…" I said, regretting as his name escaped my lips. "I-I have to tell you something. If I don't… I don't know. I just have too."
He didn't say anything. He just looked at me. It wasn't one of his dumb looks, there wasn't any confusion in his eyes. I pushed on, regardless.
"I care about you." The words escaped my lips with such ease, the words I had been yearning to say for years, but had always been too afraid to mention until now. He didn't say anything. He didn't think I was stupid, or silly. He wasn't telling me he didn't feel the same way, he didn't pull his hand away, or anything that I expected him to do. He continued to stare into my eyes. It was then that I realized what that look was. It was that same look I gave him, that look of yearning that no one knows about. I couldn't control myself any longer, to continue censoring myself when it didn't matter. I leaned in, and I did the unimaginable.
I kissed Finn Hudson.
He didn't pull away. As our lips pressed together, I felt him kiss me too. It wasn't just me kissing him. He didn't recoil in horror. He kissed me back. What I always wanted him to do, but what I never thought was possible. I had always wanted Finn to be my first kiss, and now it was coming true. Of course, it wasn't how I imagined it in my dreams… but it didn't matter because it was better than anything I could've imagined. As we pulled away, I was prepared to apologize, but he spoke first.
"I care about you too, Kurt." Finn said, almost as plain as day. "I don't know about for sure… about anything. I'm so confused. But I know one thing. I'm glad to have you."
Our lips crashed together again, and I knew I had found what I wanted.
"I'm always searching…
I'm always searching,
This path's not easy to walk upon.
I'm always seeking,
Knowing that I'm eager to carry on.
I'm searching, seeking, reaching for something more.
I'll be better than before.
Reaching for something more."