Charlie's Channel – Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying my story. The grammatical errors are intended – and trust me, they are sooo challenging to write. I'm such a grammar freak. XD But I figured Lucas didn't pay much attention in school. He even admits he was mostly there for the parties, and in the show he's the very last in the class ranks, so I figure his writing skills would develop as he continued to write in his journal, but they would never be quite up to par. Keep reading, though! The story will get better and more intense.
The Metronome Maven – I'm glad you like it! Keep checking back, there will be more action coming up soon. :]
June 9 – Day 366
I slept badly last night. I kept seeing Jason stumbling on the stage and then falling back, his arms searching for Peter. Over and over again I watched him die. It's been 366 days since that night. Unfuckingbelievable. I killed a guy I once called my friend 366 days ago. I killed Jason. Fuck. I can't keep doing this. I keep forgetting that my prison sentence didn't start when Jason hit the floor. I still have two months before I've been in here for an entire year. I need something to focus on; something to keep me going. I'm lost. All I have is a pen, a journal and a cross. But I could have more. I could have Tanya… My beautiful, silver, Tanya. I need it back. I need her sting. I want to feel the rush and burn she gives me every time she punctures my skin. I want her back.
June 30 – Day… Who cares?
I can't shake this thought out of my head. I miss my mother. As cold and distant as she was, I miss her. I wish she'd visit me in this godforsaken place. But no, she's probably too busy with her fucking law firm to remember she has a son. I wonder if she misses me… I wonder if she thinks I'm guilty. Does she still love me? Mothers are supposed to love you unconditionally, right? But she never really showed me love to begin with. As soon as I was old enough, she shipped me off to boarding school. She hated it when I was home. She ignored me most of the time. Maybe that's why I fucked up so much at school… A classic textbook case of the attention-deprived child. I miss my goddamn mother. I miss that cold-hearted bitch who gave birth to me. I'm pathetic.
I'm sick. I'm so miserable that I'm actually fucking sick. They've stuck me in the infirmary again. I'm in so much pain. My stomach is killing me. It feels like I'm being stabbed with a jagged knife over and over. I'm vomiting every twenty minutes. They say it's a virus. They say I'm contagious and have me shut away from the rest of the inmates stuck in here. I don't agree with them. They say it's a virus, I say its guilt. It's eating me from the inside out. They have me eating soup and drinking more water than could fill a 120-gallon fish tank. It kind of helps, sometimes. It helps to know someone, even if they're just prison guards, wants me to survive this. I suddenly don't miss my mother anymore. She wouldn't have given me soup. She would've told me to shut up and go to my room. I hate that bitch. I hate her so fucking much.
I wonder what my parents would say if they could see how sick I was. I'm pretty sure the doc called them. They haven't come to see me. I don't care. I don't want to see them anyway. But I do want to see Nadia. She was Jason's twin. I can't lose sight of what's important here. I killed Jason McConnell. His twin is left behind to live without her other half. I want to – I need to see her. I need to tell her I'm sorry, that I understand that I'll end my life in Hell and I won't get to see Jason and tell him I never meant to kill him. I'm delirious. I need to sleep. I need… I need to breathe.
Was I wrong? Did I ever stop and think about why I was so willing to give Jason that fucking vial of GHB? Did I ever stop to think that he might overdose? Shit, man. Maybe I did think it, but like… Subconsciously. I never thought about how he was feeling, about the hell he'd just faced in being outted in front of all his friends – and not by his choice. Fuck, man. I didn't think it through. I should've known Jason wouldn't have asked for something on the side like that, right before the show, right before graduation.
My parents aren't answering any phone calls from the prison. They're not coming to see me. If I die… Well, fuck them. They don't give a shit about me and I sure as hell I don't care about them. If I die, fuck it. I'm going to hell anyway. God gave up on me a long time ago, and I gave up on Him the second Jason collapsed.
Benvolio Montague survived at the end of Romeo and Juliet, right? I mean, I guess I kind of paid attention when we read the play during my… one of my freshman years. Or was it both? Romeo died. Juliet died. Mercutio died. Tybalt died. I don't know who else. I don't remember Benvolio dying. But hey, that was my character in the school production. But Romeo, he died on stage that night. Juliet... Well, she died when her baby died. Mercutio died when Romeo hit the floor. Tybalt died when he realized the damage he'd caused. Juliet, Mercutio and Tybalt. They have the potential to get back up again. Travel the world, become famous, be truly happy – be alive once more. Romeo? Well he's six feet under. And me? I'm here. In prison. Alone.