The Most Shitteous Craptastic Cuddlecock Crack Contest 2009

Title of your entry: I Wanna Eff You Like a Masochistic Lion Because of Your Pools of Brown Diarrhea Eyes: The Worst Story Ever Told

Pennames: Feisty Y. Beden and Philadelphic and NelsonSmandela

Pairing: Bella and Edward and Jasper and Smoke Penis and Care Bears and Jacob and Leah

Summary: The usual story, but with more handjobs, more babies, more fluids, and more POVs.

Disclaimer: All we own is wrong.

To see the other stories in this contest, please see:

www dot fanfiction dot net/u/2150031/The_Worst_Story_Ever_Contest


Prologue:

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Caius, that all the world should be taxed. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Charlie also went up from Forks, out of the city of Forks, into Forks, unto the city of Meyer, which is also called Forks (because he was of the house and lineage of Meyer). To be taxed with Renee his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn daughter, and wrapped her in a swaddling hoodie, and laid her in a platter of mushroom ravioli; because there was no room for them in the inn. And there were in the same country vampires playing baseball in the field, keeping watch over their coven by night, but not on the land of the La Push reservation, as per the pertinent clause in the treaty with the Tribal Elders of the Quileutes. And, lo, the Narrator of the Meyer came upon them, and the glory of the Meyer shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the Narrator said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great snack, which shall be to one of thine own vampires. For unto you is born this day in the city of Forks a MarySue, which is Bella the Swan. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling hoodie, lying in a platter of mushroom ravioli.


Chapter One:

SEVENTEEN YEARS LATER

EPOV:
I was feeling emo, as usual. I was flipping my hair and sighing, sick of watching my vampire siblings sexing it up on every piece of furniture in the house. "That is an EAMES chair, you dullards," I yelled as Rosalie and Emmett wiggled their jigglies. They were so juvenile. I got out of my flannel footie pajamas and into my totally smokin' sleeveless collared shirt. Unbuttoned. I was feeling saucy, so I wore the oatmeal-colored one instead of the taupe or heather gray. "We are going to be late for school," I said, popping the silent "p" in "school."

Silver Volvo POV:
Gosh it was hard sitting in the driveway all night. In the mornings, the moody one would drive me and his siblings to school. What a sham. They were all way too old to go there. Then they'd leave me in the parking lot with the other cars. The other cars didn't want to talk to me because I was a Volvo, and they were all, like, Chevys and Chryslers, nothing more exotic than maybe a Honda. Reverse snobbery, if you asked me, but no one ever did, because I was a fucking silver Volvo.

I was wondering if my tires made me look fat when the moody one came out of the house. Oatmeal today. He must have been feeling saucy. I wondered what the cause of his good mood was--he certainly looked as cranky as ever. The other sham-student-siblings followed him out to the car like a bunch of bloodthirsty baby ducklings, and then they were hopping into me as if I were a cheap Tijuana whore.

The moody one turned my ignition with artful, cold fingers. Cold, long fingers, like snaking vines of icy iciness. My bundle of circuits roared to life as he stroked the long, silver key in my keyhole. He gripped the shaft of my gear shift, setting me in motion. "This clutch is so tight," he moaned as he slowly reversed out of the driveway. I purred as I gently cupped his ass with my bucket seats.

He pounded his foot against my accelerator again and again and again, until I grunted in protest--after all, I was only a V6. I couldn't handle all this heavy ramming. He could have at least taken his shoes off first. I wanted to feel his socked foot twitching against my hard rubber accelerator. I fantasized about his longer-than-average phalanges. Mmm, phalanges. I was getting a little hot under the hood.

But then he ignored my brake. He always ignored my brake. Just a speed demon, no time for braking, the selfish prick.

Oh no, there it was, the brake, the brake, THE BRAKE! Ungh! Brake! Harder! Pound it! Unf! Unf! I could barely contain myself, my brake pads straining painfully against my tires, but before I could explode, we were already at the school. The moody one didn't stay in the car, didn't run his hands over my upholstery. No, he just turned off my ignition, just like that, and they all left me, bereft, empty, a vacuum of want.

Seven hours of solitude, alone despite being surrounded by so many cars, no one seeing my loneliness and alienation, not even my own rearview mirror. I would wait. I always waited for that jerk with the long, cool fingers.

Rearview Mirror POV:
God, I wished the car would shut the fuck up. I thought Edward was a whiny emo bitch, but he was nothing compared to Silver Volvo.

Silver Volvo POV:
I suspected the rearview mirror hated me. Maybe I was just paranoid.

Rearview Mirror POV:
The car was so not paranoid in thinking I hated his guts.

Car Air Freshener POV:
OMFG I wished the car and the rearview mirror would stop their silent war of seething and paranoia. I just wanted the world to smell nice. Was that so wrong?

Hedwig POV:

It's been about 10 years since I was murdered, stuffed, and donated to science in the Muggle community. I wish I really were dead. All the way dead, I mean, instead of being mostly dead. As a magical creature frozen with magical embalming fluid, I am cursed to an eternity of witnessing the same Biology classes over and over again, year in and year out.

Mr. Banner never changes his jokes.

This year, we at least got a vampire in the classroom. At first I thought he was going to be interesting, like he'd kill some people or at least mesmerize them and sex up some ladies, like vampires do in movies. Anything to get Banner off his "script." But nothing. Every day, that vampire came in the classroom, wearing the dullest colors LL Bean has to offer, plus occasionally a muted blue, and every day he was polite, quiet, and made perfect grades. He even sat alone. He was cute, yeah, but otherwise the most boringest vampire I'd ever seen. He never did anything remotely interesting.

Until she came in. The lip-biting-blinky-mumbler called Bella Swan. Jesus, I thought 'Hedwig' was a shitty name. If I were a teenaged girl and my name was Bella Swan, I'd fucking change it, but no, when Banner tried to give her an out and called her Isabella, she was all, "Mumblemumbleno, it's just Bella umumummmmmmmm."

I wonder if she knows that it means "pretty." She HAS to know, right? It's AP Bio, for fuck's sake. Then the scent hit the fan. Literally. She totally bought that Suave Strawberry shampoo, and her hair kind of reeked of it. And she smelled like freesia and feminine odor, like she was trying to cover it up with the freesia. It didn't, it just...added to the confusion. I don't think anyone ever told her that is a cloying fucking combination, not to mention confusing. Do you want to smell edible or floral? Make up your mind. She should of just smeared maple syrup down there. Let me tell you, the scent totally freaked him out.

OMG it was so good. I totally wanted to tweet that shit, but my curse will not allow it. You should of been there--he looked like he totally jizzed in his pants and threw up a little in his mouth at the same time. Freesia and Strawberry. Confusing, right?

He probably did jizz in his pants. I thought he was going to finally bite someone until the bell rang and he ran out. LL Bean cannot run straight to save his life.

Anyhoo (get it?), LL Bean wasn't there for a while, so I had to watch Mumbella "call me pretty" Swan fidget like she had pinworms (mmmmmnomnomnom) all up in her anus for like, a week while Banner kept up his schtick. I really miss worms. Harry always gave me dried ones whenever. Sigh. I promised myself I wouldn't think about that. ANYWAY. So, Drakkar-ula Noir comes back and he's all chatty with her, like he wants to be her friend. Until they "accidentally" touch hands.

GIRL GOT ELECTROCUTED. Zapped. I mean, he did too, but since he's undead it didn't knock him out. And then, GET THIS--LL Bean takes care of her like she's a precious baby angel, but when she finally comes to, guess what he says?

He says, "I'd like to feel that touch on my divining rod, if you know what I mean." I think Banner's sense of humor was rubbing off on him. Gross, in so many ways.

And you know what that girl did? She just giggled. So much for women's lib. She laughed and practically flashed her tits at him. I think they skipped school after that. I can't see from here, but it kind of looked like they might have gone off into the woods, if Scabbers can be trusted. Yeah, I have to live with that douche for eternity too. FML.

BPOV:
New school, new life, new friends, new guys falling all over themselves to be "helpful." God, my life was so hard. It was hard to be so pretty and not know it. It was hard to blink in Morse code. It was hard smelling so delicious all the time and having the tightest snatch and the drippiest ladyjuices. Damn hard.

As predicted, the boys in schoolyard were all up in my milkshake, because that's what always happened. Maybe that's what life was like when you were born and placed in swaddling hoodie into a platter of mushroom ravioli. My coming was fucking prophesied. Prophesied, bitches. They were wrestling with each other, trying to jockey for position to be first in line to carry my books, massage my shoulders, admire my vulva tattoo (it was a tattoo of a vulva tattooed directly on top of my vulva). I sighed. It was so hard, all this attention. I could see how hard it was, in the crotches of their sad, small-town trousers.

Maybe I never should of left Arizona.

School was boring and predictable, and no one looked as pretty or smelled as delicious as I did. The usual. But at lunch, I saw gigantic green--no, wait, were they ... could they be ... butterscotch?--orbs, hair as bronze as a bronze Olympic medal for synchronized swimming, and an exceptionally saucy sleeveless, collared, button-down shirt. Was that color ... oatmeal? My heart fluttered. "Who's he?" I asked, my respectably ample b-cup bosom heaving.

"That Adonis guy? That's Edward Cullen. Yeah, don't bother. He doesn't 'do' girls." Somebody Lastnamesomeone gave me the four-one-one. She had a name, but fuck it, I didn't have to learn names. I was Bella Swan. Bella Swan didn't need to learn names of mere mortals.

"So he's gay?" I asked, biting my lip and blinking "strap on" in Morse code with my eyelids.

"No, not gay," said Whatsherface. "I mean, at least, it hasn't been documented. But he doesn't seem interested in the vag. Believe me, I've presented it on a silver platter for him at the all-you-can-eat pussy buffet. He ain't biting."

I licked my lips while he stared at me, all pale and sociopathic and greenish-butterscotchish orbular. Maybe a threeway is in my cards, I thought.

I thought of him the rest of the day, Mr. Saucy Oatmeal Green Orbserscotch, and wouldn't you know it, we had biology together. Biology. It was destiny. I mean, biology: that was all about animals and plants all sexing each other up, right? I wasn't AP for nothing. I was smart, or something. As far as I was concerned, AP stood for Accelerated Peen. There was only one empty seat in the class, and the teacher, Mr. Fuck-me-I-don't-have-to-remember-anyone's-name, told me to sit next to him, Mr. Green-Scotch Orbs. I got so wet right there, like, sploosh, and it spurted down my pants like Old Faithful, and right then, wouldn't you know it, I got caught up in the big fan at the front of the classroom. The odor of my cooter juices wafted on the artificial breeze, and I could see deep pools of green and butterscotch grow impossibly wider, deeper, and the lab table thumped like a bucking bronco from the twitching of his dick.

Lab Table POV:
OMFG was that his DICK hitting my underside? Seriously? I mean, SERIOUSLY? And I thought all the wads of gum were annoying. It was days like today that made me regret killing that old Russian pawnbroker and being reincarnated, even after the supposed redemption of my soul at the hands of that kind whore with the heart of gold, as this stupid fucking table. Honestly, couldn't a table go one goddamn day without being poked in the table-abdomen by some hard vampire cock? One goddamn day. That was all I was asking.

BPOV:
I strutted to the table and sat down, hoping he didn't notice the big, wet stain down my pants. My juices were so slippery that I nearly slid off the lab stool.

He must have noticed, because he bolted out of there like he'd just jizzed in his pants. I flushed crimson, in my face AND in my clitoris.

My life had no meaning while he was not in the room. He was gone for a whole fucking WEEK. I vowed I would wear the same clothes for three months and stare catatonically out the window. But then one day he came back, so I could breathe again. He sat down next to me, slipping a little in the pool of cervical mucus that had been steadily cascading down my lab stool and collecting under our table for the whole week he was gone. Christ, did the custodial staff never mop in Mr. Whatshisname's room? But anyway, back to thinking about our lab table. Our lab table. I liked the sound of that.

Our hands brushed accidentall--ZAP KABOOM UNCONSCIOUSNESS

[FRAME MISSING]

[FRAME MISSING]

[FRAME MISSING]

EPOV:

I told myself I wouldn't jizz in my pants again, but I almost did when she fainted. Oh man, when a girl bites her lip, mumbles, and faints A LOT, like Bella Swan does, it totally makes my emo nature straighten out and sparkle, if you know what I mean. I quickly coated her shoes with some rubber cement so that she wouldn't get zapped again when we touched, and it worked. It made her touch feel like pop rocks. You remember pop rocks, right? Sometimes Emmett and I mix up pop rocks with Mountain Dew right before we drink grizzly bear or mountain lion. Shut up. It's kind of white trash, but it adds texture. Don't judge. As if you could. You will never understand the depths of Edward fucking Cullen.

So anyway, I took care of her like a gentleman, and because she smells so fucking good and her brain is either dead or silent or something, which also makes her hot, because man, a quiet woman? Yeah, I'm a douche. When she came to, I got an idea.

"Hey, Bella. How about you and me take a little walk in the woods? I've got a divining rod and I'd like to see what your electric touch does to it."

I swear, I think that stuffed owl rolled its eyes. That bird looks kind of familiar.

Bella seemed to catch my drift, because she giggled and blushed and nodded. I'm pretty sure she's braindead, or is some kind of Rain Man type thing--like she's good at biology, but she's only read three books and has no thoughts besides "mitosis" or "Heathcliff." I bet she's good at Jeopardy. I want this chick to meet my parents. She might stink up my Volvo though. My car freshener would be no match for her overwhelming smell bouquet. I wonder if I could get her to ride on the luggage rack on the roof? Or maybe I'll just ride in her truck. God, girls are complicated, just on a logistics level. But I'd do anything for a pop-rocks handjob.

I follow her out into the woods, because she totally just does whatever I tell her to (hot) while saying nothing (hotter). Then, I also got to watch her ass. Girl is not so great on frontmeat, but her ass is pretty juicy. That could be the source of the odor, come to think of it. When we get to an appropriate spot, I can still smell her stink, even over all the woodsy smells. So I suggest we go for a little ride, and haul her on my back. I totally impress her by running fast. I think she peed a little, because, dang, nobody's vag is that wet.

"So, where's this divining rod?" she asked, with a quizzical quirk of her eyebrow. I hoped she didn't do that often. It could get old, fast.

"Where do you think it is, Pretty Swan?" I asked, touching her cheek to double-check the whole pop rocks thing. This time it was like rice crispies. Snap, crackle, pop. I'd take that too.

"I think it's a party in your pants...and everyone's invited."

God, she was dumb. The line goes There's a party in my pants, and everybody's coming. I just smiled and whipped out my johnson. I let it sparkle in the sunlight for her like a majorette's glittery baton. Because I'm a gentleman.

She touched it. UNGH, good! Just like pop rocks. I was right. I'm always right.

"You better hold on tight, spidermonkey!" I said, as she closed her teeny, tiny, itty bitty hands around my sparkling rod.

She giggled, and I put my big cold hands around hers for extra support. It was too late for lube, but I figured she could take a little chafing. She seemed like the martyr type anyway. I hammered into our hands at vamp speed until my jizz came out in jets of ice cold icicles. One of them hit her hoodie, but it must have been an enchanted hoodie, because it just bounced off of it. I swear, when I inspected the hoodie for damage, I could smell the musty ancient odor of mushroom ravioli. God, this girl had layers and layers of mingling sweet and rancid smells. Cheap strawberry shampoo and old mushroom ravioli. Girl-juice and freesia. And they all rammed me like a battering ram.

BPOV:

Pools of green and butterscotch and dazzle were staring down at me. The air smelled strangely of rubber cement. What had just happened? "Edward?" I breathed huskily, my chest heaving with need, my tongue aching to battle for dominance with ... someone ... something ... anything.

He just up and suggested I put my hand on his divining rod, and I told him that I wasn't sure I was allowed, because I wasn't religious, but I followed him out into the woods anyway. I always liked following strange people out into the woods. I couldn't even name all the hobos I'd sucked off back in Arizona. They used to whisper the name "Hooverella" reverently in the train yards back home. What was the appeal of a hobo, smelling strangely of Listerine and baked beans cold from the can? Just thinking about it made me impossibly wetter.

The greenerscotch orbular guy and I were holding hands, and it was all fizzy and sparkly, like my hand was a tablet of Alka-Seltzer and his hand was a pool of water. A deep green, butterscotchtacular pool. I made a mental note that I should write this shit down, because I was like a fucking poet laureate. Jewel can suck it, I thought.

I guessed I wasn't moving fast enough for him, because he hauled me on his back like a sack of potatoes and ran into the woods. Somewhere, I could hear a poncy little flute trilling away poncily.

Flute from Peter and the Wolf POV:
How the fuck did I end up here?

BPOV:
We were in this beautiful, perfect meadow, the kind some lady might have a dream about and then build a multimillion dollar franchise upon. He unbuttoned his pants painfully slowly using only his dick, which apparently had an opposable thumb stashed somewhere. Pop. Bulge. Pop. Bulge. Pop. Bulge. Finally he just whipped it out. SCHPROING. Sparkly!

His penis, finally unsheathed, was glittering. It was like the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey, with the big black monolith, except pale white and sparkly. I mean, not that I'm racist or anything. It was white and sparkling. I'm just reporting facts. And the smell was inviting. Everything about it was inviting, I mean, the penis practically was holding an engraved invitation printed on Crane's paper in its manly penis hands. The invitation would read:

Pale Gigantic Cock
and
Glittering Wrinkly Balls

invite you to share in the joy

of

stroking the shit out of them
culminating in, perhaps,
thick, ropey strands of semen

Black tie optional

His cock was so large; I was afraid even my two hands together wouldn't meet around its circumference. I sucked ass at geometry anyway. 2πr? Was that right? His cock was so long that it was like a fucking hypotenuse anyway. My geometry knowledge could never unlock the secrets of his amazing penis. His balls were like two Rubik's Cubes wrapped in Mylar and sequence. Tentatively, I brought one hand up to his wang, then the other. I tried to interlock my fingers, straining to get them to touch on the other side of his monstrous shaft. No dice. My hands were so tiny, smaller even than the rain, apparently, or some other Neruda shit. I didn't know. It was hard having tiny hands. I had forgotten to mention that part in my first POV, but that didn't make it any less true. My hands were so tiny that every cock was gigantic. Okay, dudes seemed to like that, the way my eyes would boggle when I'd appraise their manhood, but damn, a handjob pretty much wore me out for the day. Sometimes I needed that goo that marathon runners chugged for quick energy. Hells, I even had trouble holding a goddamn pencil in my freakishly tiny hands. They were about the size of teaspoons.

"You'd better hold on tight, spidermonkey," he said as he watched me stroke him. And I held on for all I was worth, gritting my teeth, feeling the burn in my arms as I stroked up and down and up and down. I guessed my speed wasn't enough for him, because he went totally turbo, until his granite-like penis was chafing the shit out of my hands. I so did not want handjob callouses. I would have trouble explaining that to my dad Charlie from Forks, out of the city of Forks, into Forks, unto the city of Meyer, which is also called Forks (because he was of the house and lineage of Meyer).

"Oh, Bella, Bella," he hissed, and I thought how strange it was to sound like a teakettle when you were getting your rocks off. But hey, different strokes for different folks, no pun intended. Okay, pun sort of intended.

Before I knew it, it was like fireworks of semen coming out of the head of his penis, I mean right out of his urethra, which is where such fluids usually come. One stream narrowly missed my eye, bouncing instead off my holy hoodie.

"Inside me, now," I panted, and I could practically hear Edward's penis cranking back up to full-mast as he got his full bouncy erection back. Creak ... creak ... SCHRPOING. It was magical. I wanted to worship before it.

He fiddled with my jeans, and suddenly they were by my ankles, and I was so wet that I gave him a face full of my own Juicy Juice. He sputtered and coughed, wiping some fluid from his brow. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and my clitoris had never wanted to be a bridge of a nose so much before.

Bella's Clitoris POV:
Uh, speak for yourself. No pinching here. Please. Please don't. Just ... no.

BPOV:
He palmed my breasts with cold, like, doctor-giving-you-a-womanly-exam cold hands, but I still moaned and bit my lip and blinked "Fuck me" in Morse code with my eyes.

"I'm a monster," he said. He motioned to his glorious cock. "Do you see that? This is the schlong OF A KILLER, Bella."

"Well, I've got a bleeding hatchet wound, so we're meant to be together," I said.

He clenched his jaw so tightly that I could have sworn I heard teeth breaking. I wished I knew what he was thinking. He shook his head, relaxed, and just rammed into me all at once, his penis so rough that he was scraping the insides of my vagina raw, despite the copious amounts of fluid coating everything. "I'm a virgin," I said, but all he did was thrust harder and harder.

"You're so tight, Bella," he groaned. "It's like trying to jam a Coke can into the eye of a needle."

"Oh, Edward," I said as his rod poked around, struggling to find purchase against the muscled walls of my birth canal. "Oh! I think I'm going to ... unnnggggh." I shivered, and my muscles clenched over and over again, my orgasm dragging me in its undertow even though I was a vagina-virgin (not a mouth or butt virgin). Edward's greeny butterscotch pools of brown went a bit cross-eyed, making him only more adorable, and I could feel the jets of freezing spooge burst into me like when you bite into a Chewel. The force was so great; it reminded me of that game at the carnival when you shoot a garden hose into the clown mouth to make the balloon inflate, and if you get there first, you win a prize.

I won the prize of Edward's dazzling, sparkling semen, which was way better than a cheap stuffed animal filled with styrofoam beads, but only marginally better than a plastic toy harmonica.

Bella's ovum POV:
I was just hanging around, minding my own business, when I heard this rushing sound, like an oncoming avalanche. What on earth?

Edward's semen POV:
I was out! Out! Free of the Master's Balls! I ran in formation, just as we'd been trained. Search, invade, conquer, fertilize! That was the Code of the Semens. I saw the ovum before my multitude of brothers. The ovum was not expecting us; that much was clear. She started to roll away slowly.

I mocked her. "AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" I taunted, easily catching up, my flagellum working overtime to get me all up inside her bewitching membrane. I took a deep breath and plunged into her, and ... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. We were joined, transforming into something else. I may have bitten a pillow in my attempt not to break her fragile ovum membrane too much. Where did I get a tiny, sperm-sized pillow? That's not important. Focus, people. There's SEX happening here.

BPOV:
Suddenly I felt something nudging my insides. For all intensive porpoises (and I'd never met a porpoise that wasn't severely intense), it was like his jism was poking around my uterus and making a baby. But I didn't ever use birth control, because I was a vagina-virgin, and also you couldn't get pregnant in the mouth or butt. I was in AP bio; I knew such things.

He pulled out of me with a popping sound, and my vagina deflated like a sad balloon. But then I felt more nudging inside me, poky fingers of something, and heard a faint cry deep within my womanly parts, and I knew it couldn't just be his bossy semens.

"I know what you are," I said, gasping as I watched his glittering penis wiggle and dance as it recovered from the constrictions of my tight snatch.

He looked at me sort of constipated-like, but also kind of sexy constipated, like he had a big marble turd shaped like the Venus de Milo crammed in his large intestine. "Then say it ... out loud," he said, shifting as if the turd were prairie-dogging a little.

"Your skin ... it's ice cold ... your penis feels like an icicle ... you didn't once try to put it up my ass ... you sparkle in the sunlight ..."

"Say it," he commanded, leaning in impossibly closer.

"Zombie," I said, so turned on that my nipples popped out, poking Edward in the eye.

"Close enough," he said, wincing and blinking. "Are you afraid?"

"No!" I shouted, causing Edward to flinch almost imperceptibly. "Oh, and I should tell you that I think I'm pregnant."

"Wait, whut?" said Edward.


Chapter Two:

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Pregnancy Test POV:
So there I was, minding my own business, when I felt a cold hand on my box. Yeah, I said it. My box. I was shoved roughly into a paper sack, and then went on a long ride. "How can you be, like, automatically pregnant?" this man kept saying. "We just, you know, did it."

"I don't know," monotoned a voice, female, maybe, but just barely, "but I love it. I don't care if it breaks my spine and makes me drink blood and you have to chomp out my uterus to get it out. We are having this baby, Edward Cullen."

I was taken out of the sack, and then the cold fingers ripped my box open. Warmer hands took me, took off my hat, and then ... I couldn't even say it ... something fucking peed on me. Peed. That was so not cool. First the pink control line showed up. Then the second line indicating pregnancy showed up in the window. Then two little fangs appeared on the second line, indicating a freaky vampire-human hybrid pregnancy.

I heard something like the sound of a marble Adonis statue hitting cold bathroom tile.


Chapter Three:

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Twelve-year-old FF author specializing in poly/slash POV:
So bella was like really getting fat from the babby she had in her belly because she and edward had the sex in her vagina. I mean, his penis in her vagina, and it went in and out a bunch of times until the milky stuff came out of the top. There was also precum, because thats what i red one tim, even though i don't know what that is. That's how babby is formed.

Jasper come to the house, I mean the house that belonged to edward's parent's's's's. It was big because the Cullenseses's were rich. Alice had a yellow Porch because that one time in the second book, she stole a yellow Porch. Oh yeah I didn't introduce Alice yet she is edward sister and she like to shop she like a pixie and she is bellas best friend and forces her to wear desiner cloths like prada and versachee. Tinkerbell.

Edward was lieing on the sofa with his dick out because he was tired of bella not letting him stick his penis in her holes. Jasper saw him and his eyes got really big, like anime big. He got all hard in his pants, I mean, like, his peenus got super hard and than edward saw how hard jasper was and that made edward hard and the precum came out again and froze instantly on his cold dick just like Magic Shell. And Jasper said hey edward im not gay or anything but i want to lick your Magic Shell dick like suck it in my mouth and then you can mouthfuck me does that sound cool.

Edward sighed and said ok so him and jasper did it. Right then bella came down the stairs. God she got fat. Her face was puffy and she was all, oh my god what are you doing with your dick in Jaspers's mouth?

Why don't you join in the party? asked edward, and then jasper got extra super hard and busted right through his jeans zipper like Kool-Aid through a brick wall. OH YEAH!

Jasper didn't think bella wood be into that guy on guy menasha twa business, but come to find out she was super kinky. Him and edward took turns taking off bella'ses cloths, and everyones's clothes were suddenly gone, jasper don't know how, and than it was like everyone each had six arms and a finger or dick in every one of they're hole's. Jasper rammed into bella while edward jammed his cook in jaspers ass and god it felt so good everyone had an orangasm at the same time while edward cuntinued his tender menstruations all over her face and giant fat belly. From inside the babby punched jasper in the nutsac because even the babby knew that jasper shouldn't of bin in there. Than jasper an edward stuck there dick's in their asses and they were both like super loose because of the Magic Shell precum and they both swore they were not gay but that they liked a little cock now and again. In the ass. No they did not need any stretching or loob. Loob was for pussies. Or, you know. Real men just shoved their dick's all up in that mess and it was like super hot and stuff.

Bella did sum self touching.


Chapter Four:

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Lazy Narrator POV:
So then there was like some dramaz with Victoria and her newborn vampire army because of some old grudge match. Oh and also, Bella had met Jacob, who was a werewolf. He liked her alot, and she used him whenever Edward wasn't paying enough attention to her. Sometimes she fantasized about the three of them having relations in a cave in a cold place, but the sex part would happen in her warm hidey-hole. Then Jake would fix her truck for her. And by "truck" I mean "vagina." Also, motorcycles. He took off his shirt alot.

Jacob POV:

My cunning plan had worked. For someone who can read minds, Edward fell into that trap way too easily. I was shocked at how easily he had given in, even though I was having fantasies about doing Bella in the cave I had picked out for us. Either he was zoning out on my constant fantasies about his girlfriend or he didn't stop to think that human Bella spending the night in a frozen cave with nobody but her frozen boyfriend and her hot, sweaty "best" friend wasn't going to end up with me as her human eclectric blanket. Maybe he just wanted to watch. Perv.

Whatever, Leech, just as long as I get the chance to get up in them guts, I'll be happy. Mmmm, Bella's guts. I love that little tease.

If I whore a watch, I'd be looking at it right now. Any minute now, they're going to fold, and ask me to come warm her up. I didn't count on them being so dense, or masochistic, like some sort of weird masochistic lion, because everyone in our tribe knows that lions are the only creatures in the animal world that show masochistic tendencies f'reals, I read it in a book in the La Push Bookmobile, or some combination of the two. Her teeth were going to chatter right off.

"N-n-n-nooooo, Edward, I'm n-n-not c-c-c-c-c-old!" she protested weakly.

"My darling, you are carrying my child, therefore you must stay warm. If not for you then for me. If not for me, then for the baby, which we both agree and have seen in dream-visions is most certainly a boy. Bella, before I met you my life was a sunless sky, with some kind of interesting stars, or at least passing jets, but nothing truly worth my precious time. It was like that time after sunset but before the night comes, I think there's a name for it, it might make a good title for a book maybe, crepuscular ... no that's not right ... early evening light? Anyway, Bella, before you-" he kept droning on and on, lapsing into what I suspect was iambic pentameter. I wondered if he imagined her as a boy when they did it.

Wait, WHAT? Bella getting knocked up by a leech was going to put a damper on my plans for our Happily Ever After.

On the other hand, pregnant pussy can't get pregnant. NICE.

On the other hand, if pregnant pussy COULD get pregernant, like double pregernant, then I could even the score with Mister Prissy Pants over there, and she'd still have to choose. I decided to move on to Phase II of Operation Make Bella My Bitch without them. It would be better if it were one of their ideas, but she was starting to get frostbite and he seemed to be just getting started on a long monologue about his epic love for her. Christ--I mean, Quileute Wolf Spirit--this was boring.

I walked in, wearing only my tiny cutoff jorts, vadgelike cave-drawing tat, and my stunning 12-pack of abdominal muscles. And two tickets to the gun show.

"Hello, Biceps!" Bella said, clearly enjoying the gun show. I flexed them for her, and smiled in the toothy way she liked. Edward rolled his eyes. It sounded like marble spinning around in a stone bowl.

YEAH, CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT NO TWELVE PACK, AND VERY WEAK GUNS, I screamed at him in my mind. Just wanting to make sure he could hear me.

"Can you turn that down, please?" he winced. Booyah. "Yes, I can hear you, Jake. You don't have to shout. Yes, she likes your muscles, and technically you do look better without a shirt on than I do. Technically you are also jailbait. So, calm down, Bella. You are carrying my baby, after all, which totally makes you my mate."

Fucker. he had to bring that up again.

"Yes, I did." he smirked. Asshole. "What are you doing here, Jake?"

"She's cold, and I'm 108 degrees, according to the giant meat thermometer in my jorts, no matter what the weather is doing."

"S-s-s-s-so?" Bella said, while Edward looked confused. Seriously, these kids are in honors classes? God, I hate palefaces.

"That's racist!" said Edward. "Don't they have race sensitivity training at that Injun Rez school of yours? Or are you all too busy setting up your casino?"

"DON'T YOU GET IT? I'm not just hot. I'm supernaturally hot. She needs me, Broseph. Bella, unzip that sleeping bag. Imma get up on you."

"N-n-no!" Bella cried, though she was still staring at my abs and I swear, a little drool was coming out of her mouth. It was so fucking cold in there that the drool froze immediately into a little spit-sicle.

"My darling, if this is what it takes for you and my baby to survive, I am prepared to make this horrible sacrifice of watching you rub up against that incredibly hot, muscular, underaged man-boy with russet-potato skin and gleaming white teeth." Edward sighed melodramatically. I swear a little glitter-drool was coming out of his mouth too.

I knew he wasn't all the way straight. Just look at him.

Whatever, Leech. Look all you want, but the only creature in this room who can touch me is your luscious girlfriend here. He looked anguished, but also like he might be trying to hide a stiffy. Gross.

Oh man, Why didn't I stock some Barry White up in here? I thought as I climbed in the sleeping bag, which was damp and stiff with what I could only assume was half-frozen Bella-juice. It was kind of like a cooter-drippings slushie all up in there. It was going to be awkward with the leech perving out in the corner. Bella was already snoring. Like that would stop me. I didn't want to talk to her, after all. I just wanted to plow her fertile fields, and she didn't need to be awake for that shit. Sleep on, girl. I'll catch your dreams. Because nothing says "NATIVE AMERICAN" like a cheesy dream-catcher.

BPOV:

I was so fucking cold. Colder than that time I'd fallen asleep in the woods when Edward tried to leave me for my own good. I was going to die. I hoped that at least Edward would continue to fuck me when I was a corpse. I'd probably still feel warm to him. Suddenly I wasn't cold anymore. It was like an electric blanket had been wrapped around me. I thought for some reason of hoodies and a platter of mushroom ravioli, but I knew I must be dreaming.

A sinister old man was sitting in a chair. He had jowls like a bulldog. "BELLA SWAN SHOULD STOP DICKING AROUND AND JUST CHOOSE ONE OF THESE MEN!" he shouted. "Potter!"

A small guy with his dead mother's eyes and glasses and a lightning-bolt scar said, "Erm, pardon? I don't know why I am here."

"WRONG!" shouted the old guy. "Granger!"

"Well, anyone who has read Forks High: A History would know that you can't put a vampire and a werewolf in a blood-typing lab unless you have a strong draught of living death..." began a girl with crazy frizzy hair and buck teeth.

"WRONG!" shouted the old guy again. "The correct answer is BELLA SWAN IS A COCKTEASE, PURE AND SIMPLE."

"Ummm," said the guy in glasses.

"I'm quite sure that wasn't in Forks High: A History," huffed the frizzy-haired girl.

Then the old guy looked directly to me. "Next on The McLaughlin Group: WHY IS BELLA SWAN SUCH A STONE COLD BITCH? AND CAN WE SEE HER IN A THREEWAY?"

"Whut?" I said. "Ummm. Are you talking to me?" But he turned into a giant penis made of smoke. I ran to it, and I was surprised to see my grandmother there too, running for the giant smoke penis at the same speed I was. We would collide right around the smoky cock, but it disappeared around me, and I ran smack into her. Except she wasn't there. It was me. My reflection stared back at me, but I was icky and old and smelled like Ben-Gay. Where was the giant smoke penis? Where was my grandmother? Why did I not smell even a hint of freesia? Why was I old? I looked down. Even my vagina had crow's feet.

"Now serving 69!" said a voice, and a clit-shaped light flashed "69" again and again in the corner. I looked down at my hand, and I had a slip of paper with the number 69 on it.

"That's me!" I said, waving the paper.

"You are too old for 69," said the deli man behind the counter, who had a wolf's head but a pale, sparkling body.

"But I was promised a threeway!" I protested, pouting and kicking dust up with my Chucks. Yes, even in my dreams I wore Chucks. They were canon.

There were wavy lines, and I was transported to a magical place. Everything was two-dimensional and brightly colored. There was some sailor fellow with a squinty eye and HUGE forearms, probably from yanking his wankie, if you know what I'm sayin'. "Threeway, ya say?" He winked at me. "Bluto? Get your furry ass over here!"

I heard pounding, and then there was this great big bear of a man with a big black fuzzy beard like those stills of that young gentleman's crotch I saw from the new Broadway production of Equus.

"Yer not as skinny as Olive, but you'll do," said the big guy. "Popeye?" he asked, turning to his friend. "I didn't know you liked me like that, like in a cock-up-the-ass way."

"I yam what I yam," he said, and then things got weird.

"I want out!" I screamed, unable to handle the sight of the sailor guy with the large forearms deep-throating the industrial-sized can of spinach.

There were more wavy lines, and I was tied down in a big green field. I was naked, and there were tiny creatures licking and nibbling all over me. They looked like bears, but they were all colored like Froot Loops. "Caring is sharing!" they said as they took turns licking my vagina.

One bear with a crooked rocket-looking thing on his chest strolled right up to me and stuck in his tiny bear penis. "Oops," he said a second later.

"Premature Ejaculation Bear!" chastised the other bears, hands on their adorable little stuffed bear hips.

"Never send in a boy bear to do a man bear's job," said a burly little bear.

"Neverending Erection Bear!" the others shouted, clapping their formless paws together and hopping up and down. He rammed into me until I was coming all over, and he looked at me. "What do we say, Bella Swan?"

"Uhh, thank you?"

"You had at least three orgasms by my count," said Neverending Erection Bear. Abacus Bear nodded solemnly, tapping the abacus on his belly.

"Thank you beary much?"

"Was that so hard?" he said, shaking his beary head. "Ungrateful teenagers."


Chapter Five:

MOMENTS LATER

BPOV:
I woke up wet and twitching on my insides, and Jacob was staring at me with lust and ew gross. Although that twelve-pack was looking pretty good, not gonna lie. "I had a strange dream," I said. "I think it means ... caring is sharing. Jacob, you are supposed to share me with Edward! Either that, or I need to eat more spinach bc I'm borderline anemic from only nibbling at veg ravioli and lasagna and drinking lemonade a couple days a week?"

"Sure, sure, Bells," said Jacob, and the guy was so pussy-whipped that I didn't know how he even could pee standing up. I supposed that when he peed as a wolf, it was on all fours anyway, or on three legs with a back leg in the air, and I wondered if he peed with his left rear leg or right rear leg in the air, and if he ate his own poo. It was still so cold that I clenched my buttcheeks, but the clench didn't reach my anal sphincter.

And then I would never be sure if it were a hallucination from being so cold and lying in a slushie of my own cooter juices, or if it really happened, but Jake kind of humped my leg, but my body was so numb from the cold that I couldn't tell if he was just humping my leg or if his penis fell in me a few times.

I heard dozens of vampire feet marching, and then I knew it was time for the Epic Battle of Epicness.

Lazy Narrator POV:
So yeah, there was, uh, fighting. Like, vampires came. Victoria was there with newborn vamps. It looked dicey for a while, and right when you thought Edward or Jacob were going to get eaten or have their heads ripped off or something cool, it was all [fwah fwah] loser horn and the battle was over before it ever got awesome. "Premature Ejaculation Bear!" scolded a hundred pastel-colored bears in another dimension.


Chapter Six:

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

BPOV:
The epic battle still weighing heavily on my mind. I felt so guilty, all this destruction that had taken place because of lil' ol' tight-snatched me. The baby inside me broke my spine, which hurt like a sonuvabitch.

Bella's Spine POV:
Truth. And OW MOTHERFUCKING OW.

BPOV:
So then my water broke, and it was like that liquidy stuff inside a snowglobe, clear with glittery things in it. "Our baby is coming, darling Edward!" I cried out as the baby kicked one of my vertebrae so hard that it burst out of my back skin. But all I had to do was look at Edward's greenerscotch pools, and I was calm. "My love, my love!" I said over and over, while he filed his teeth on an emery board.

"Are you ready for me to OM NOM NOM your uterus?" Edward asked.

"What about our birth plan?" I said. "I thought we were going to play Yanni in a darkened room, and I was going to do my deep breathing, and you were going to massage my perineum with your venom."

"Right. Of course," he said with chagrin, but fuck him, I fucking love Yanni.

Then Jacob came in the room. "... when ... did ... you ... get so fat?" I asked, doing Lamaze breaths in between words.

His stomach seemed to be moving. And he was wearing a trenchcoat. Actually it was hospital scrubs fashioned into a trenchcoat, and I remembered that he was a whiz at Home Ec.

"I'm not fat, I'm just getting bigger abs," he said proudly. I thought I heard his abs whimper a little. Maybe he was working them too hard.

I waited for my cervix to dilate, but all I could feel was kicking and vertebrae being kicked out of place and ribs cracking, and then Edward said, "Oh fornicate me, it has to be now!" and he took a big bite out of my belly. CHOMP.

"Epidural!" I shouted in agony, but Edward had tasted my delicious blood, and he couldn't stop OM NOM NOMMing. Jacob seemed awfully happy about something, and why the fuck was he in the delivery room anyway? Did he have doula training? I guess since he was all Native American and shit, maybe he knew some special stuff the Palefaces didn't about cervixes and whatnot.

Edward lifted up this creepy looking baby. Because I'm an AP Biology student, I immediately identified it as female.

That fucker checked to see if I was right.

"Yep, it's a girl," he said, biting her umbilical cord like he was trying to floss and covering her up with my mushroom ravioli hoodie. I looked at him smugly through my eyelashes. "And she's got teeth already. Daddy's little girl nomnommed on Mommy's uterus too, didn't you, baby? So helpful already, doing chores."

"Her name shall be RENESMEE, a clever combining of the names Renee and Esme," I said, and everyone gasped at what a beautiful name I had created.

They were so jealous. They were about to get even impossibly barely perceptibly more jealouser.

"And her middle name shall be CARLEY, which, if you simpletons can follow the pattern, is an equally clever combination of Carlisle and Charlie." Yes, another round of jealous gasps. Nailed it!

"Jesus Christ," said Emmett under his breath. I think he's going to ask me to give him a new name, because I'm so good at naming people. If he's nice, I'll hook him up.

"Good job with the name," Rose said, snatching up my baby. "Now go ahead and die already."

"WAIT! I SEE ANOTHER BABY!" yelled Jake from between my legs. I hadn't noticed him down there, what with my spine being broken and all. I was double pregnant? How did that happen? Could that night in the cooter juice slushie sleeping bag ... ? He held up another baby, who had tan skin, black gleaming hair and well defined abdominal muscles.

Edward scowled at me.

"I thought it was a dream!" I shrugged defensively. "Besides, that baby doesn't even look like me."

"Give our baby an awesome name too," said Jake.

"Ummm, let me think for a second... We shall call him Barley! Wait, no, Chilly! Wait, I've got it! He shall be named Chilly Barley!" I cried, and everyone gasped again.

Then I noticed how much blood was everywhere, and how everyone looked like they wanted to nomnom on me. Then they all nomnommed a little bit, and I started noticing the venom was really really hurting. And it was really hard, because I just had a baby. Or maybe two. You know? I started to feel faint.

"Jake ..." I said with gasping breaths, looking more closely at his homemade hospital scrubs trenchcoat--was that hand-beading? "You're ... such ... a ... pussy ..." were my last words.


Chapter Seven:

THREE DAYS LATER

BPOV:
So, yeah, I was a vampire now, and I had two babies. They'd hiss at each other in their little shared crib. Rosalie clucked over them like she'd never read Betty Friedan, and she wouldn't let me near them. She thought I'd see them like delicious roast chickens and try to nom on them, but I was a good mom. I would never nom on my baby--babies. I mean, shit, yo.

Edward had been distant ever since my change. He gave me the cold--I mean, colder shoulder, certain I'd cheated on him with Jacob to make Chilly Barley. I desperately wanted Edward to fuck me senseless now that I had vampire strength and a clit that finally could be pinched and stretched to the ceiling and back, so I thought maybe a paternity test would make him feel better about things. Carlisle took care of it all, and he tried to drag out the findings more than the stupid American Idol results show. But it didn't matter, because Edward could read minds anyway, so as soon as Carlisle came into the living room with the crisp manila envelope, Edward ran at me with his hands out, yelling, "You slattern! You laid with that dog, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" His hands closed around my neck, and he choked me as hard as he could, which was pretty hard, but come on, have you ever heard of a vampire that was choked to death? Lamesauce.

"I'm sorry, Edward," said Carlisle with his stupid ass face full of stupid ass compassion. "But yes, Jacob is the father of Chilly Barley."

Edward started whimpering like a little girl, and Jacob came out of nowhere and did a victory lap, singing "We Are the Champions" at the top of his lungs.

I was so not getting laid anytime soon. Fucking werewolf and fucking double pregnancy. Fuck my fucking fertility.


Chapter Eight:

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Twelve-year-old FF author specializing in poly/slash POV:
So noone having sex because edward was jealus off jacobs and bellas a fair, but than emmet oh yah emmet is also edwards brother has he bin in this story yet? Anyways emmet and rosalie still had alot of sex because thats what they did. Emmet said hey babe maybe we should invite bella to play naked games with us since edward is being a pussy and wont have sex with bella in her vagina but rosalie you know rosalie she is a bitch so she was like no way bella suck's and emmet siad yeah thats what i'm hoping you know an than rosalie kicked him hard in the ball's so than noone really was not having sex in the vagina or the ass.

So then bella was watching TV and self touching because noone wood touch her in that way, and that man came on the TV who does the boot camp and the babby daddy tests and bella thought maybe that wood be a good idea but maybe they could check for babby mommy with chili barley since edward woodn't put his penis in bellas vagina place and than jasper had six cooks in his butt like at one tim with some more vampires that were gay. They're were alot of gay vampires in Forks and noone ever new because they were to busy having sex in their vagina's and buts to look for gay vampires.


Chapter Nine:

EVEN MORE SEVERAL MORE WEEKS LATER

Maury POV:

I've done a lot of paternity shows, but this was my first maternity one. I almost didn't do it until they told me it involved a love triangle between a human girl, a vampire, and a wolfboy, and that they were all good-looking. This could be my best rating show ever. Suck on that, Springer.

Best thing was, I did my research beforehand. Of course I knew the test results before the show. You think we leave that up to chance? They kind of pulled a fast one on me when the mom showed up as a vampire, too, but they had some old DNA samples from the bloodbath that was the C-Section. Then I got a whiff of the babies' names and almost called Child Protective Services for that reason alone. No children, not even mutant ones, deserve names like that. I've been doing this show a long time, and I know without a doubt that Renesmee Carlie would be back on this stage in no time, this time as an out-of-control teen, stripping and hooking for attention and money and saying "Whatevuhhh! Ah do what ah want!" And Chilly Barley, well... That wolf-baby has no chance at a decent life. Maybe after this show that would all change.

I had a big surprise up my sleeve for these guys.

They came on stage one at a time, and the audience went wild. All the women screamed at the closeted homosexual vampire called Edward, and for some reason all the men in the audience seemed to want to ask Bella to some dance. They both rolled their eyes repeatedly at all the unwanted attention, like they were bored with it all. The audience ATE IT UP. We played soft music while we told their sweet love story, and showed pictures of the adorable Renesmee Carlie. She was going to make a lot of money as a stripper, you could tell just by the pictures of her tiny, perfect, milky-white teeth. I think this job is fucking with my moral compass. I digress. Of course, we showed pictures of Jacob backstage, pacing like a wolf, as Edward told how Jacob was always after his girlfriend, even after she became pregnant with Renesmee Carlie. He told in heartbreaking detail of Jake's deception to get Bella in the cave, and of his torture having to watch as his girlfriend slept while Jake in all his naked glory dry-humped her throughout the night. He spoke in great detail about Jacob's rock hard abs and his bulging biceps. He seemed a little obsessed, to be honest. Looking at Jake, I couldn't really blame him. I might be a little gay for this kid, too. Fucking moral compass. DESTROYED.

Then out came Jacob, and at first the audience booed, but then Jake took his shirt off, and there were sighs of admiration and longing from everyone in the crowd. I think Edward was drooling and smirking at the same time, if that's even possible. Jake seemed nervous, as well he should be, when I took out the large manila envelope. This was my moment.

"In the case of Chilly Barley," I shrieked, milking my moment like I'd like to milk Jake's rock-hard cock. "YOU, BELLA CULLEN, are NOT THE MOTHER."

Bella and Edward embraced, with creepy little Renesmee grinning between them.

"I knew you were up to something when I was nomnomming her uterus!" Edward yelled. "You were putting that baby up her hoo-ha, weren't you!"

Jacob cried like a bitch and tried to run away, but our security guards caught him. Then he totally phased into a wolf. ON CAMERA. I may get a Pulitzer for this, or at least a Peabody. Suck it Springer, suck it long and hard. One security guard is still in intensive care, but we're milking that angle too. Like I want to milk Edward's long, hard, sparkly...oh man, this is getting confusing. Anyway, that's when I called out my surprise guest.

"Leah Clearwater, can you come out here please?" I call, and the hottest looking Indian (feathers, not dots) chick comes out. She's wearing tiny jorts, like Jacob's, and a bikini top with extra triangles for some reason. She's got stretch marks on her belly, but other than that she's practically a Playboy centerfold. With extra boobs. And who doesn't like extra boobs?

"GIVE ME MAH BABY!" she yells, and lurches after Chilly Barley.

Then, she did something that is going to make my ratings forever. She whipped out a boob and breastfed him RIGHT ON STAGE. ON CAMERA. It was epic. She had, like, six teats on her belly. I'd never seen anything like it.


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