A/N: For those of you who know this quote, I know that this episode was really sad at the end. Anya's speech is just that more tragic after what happened. But I think that Chuck and Blair have had enough tragedy and I feel that this explains how connected they are. So obviously, time jumps, but it just worked better that way. I'm not really proud of the last section but I couldn't think of anything else.
Summary: I'd seen what love could do to people and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then suddenly there was you. And you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So I get it now. I finally get love.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. All is Gossip Girl and Buffy.
I'd seen what love could do to people and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then suddenly there was you. And you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm. So I get it now. I finally get love.
I'd seen what love could do to people and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better.
Blair's breath caught in her throat. There was one second. It was just one second of complete tranquility and serenity. And then it was the truth. She could have died. She could have collapsed right there. But she was Blair Waldorf.
I knew it. I always knew there was something, get out!
She was stupid. She stalked in her bedroom in her stupid lingerie and she could feel it coming. She could feel the tsunami as she put her hands to her head. She finally collapsed on the floor, letting the tears fall where no one could see them. No one.
She was on the floor when he found her. She wasn't in her bedroom anymore. He glanced at the candles littering the bedroom he had been in so many times before with chagrin.
She knew. There was no doubt about it.
When he entered the bathroom, his breath caught in his throat. She was laying across the cold tile in lingerie that shouldn't have been for his eyes. And he knew she had done it. She knew that she was hurting herself again. He thought that maybe once Nate had come to his senses, it would be alright. Maybe she would never find out about Serena. Maybe Nate would be the one to hold her hair back.
It was still him. He hated growing attached to women. It only happened once. That's why it caught him so off guard. He wasn't supposed to care about the fingers she shoved down her throat or her insecurities or even that her father had left.
But he did. He cared because he knew what it was like. And once again, he found himself bending at the knees to accommodate her once again. Once again, he was here to take care of her, even though he shouldn't have been.
"Chuck," her voice rasped. This was worse. This was worse than he had found her before. Her voice had literally given out and it was all his best friend's fault. He wasn't supposed to care. He wasn't supposed to choose her over Nathaniel Archibald. But he was doing it. And he was taking care of her.
"What are you doing here?" she asked dully, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.
"You texted me," he said, the first thing he said to her that evening.
"I texted you."
He assumed it was supposed to come out like a question.
"I texted you," she said again, in realization this time. He sat with her, his back against the wall. He knew his place here. All he was supposed to do was listen. That was it. He wasn't supposed to be looking at her scantily clad body or how unfair the whole situation was. He was the surrogate best friend. But he knew that wasn't true anymore. And he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.
"I don't understand..."
He wasn't sure if that was meant for his ears.
"What?" he decided to venture.
"I didn't think... that it would hurt more than it already did."
She had a hard summer. He knew this. Nate was distant and Blair was breaking. But she wasn't breaking anymore. Now she was just broken.
"Why does it hurt so much?"
"Because he betrayed your trust," he said. He really should be siding with Nate but he just couldn't. Not when she needed him. Nate was fine. Nate didn't care. Blair needed someone to care about her and her boyfriend wasn't about to do it.
"I was just thinking..." she whispered.
"What?" he prodded. He always liked to hear what she was thinking. It was such a contrast to that cold facade that was always on the outside. He liked to know the truth.
"I was just thinking what it would be like," she continued. "To be free of it all. What if I was alone? Then I wouldn't feel this way."
"Its worse then," he told her. "Because then you really are alone."
"You're free of all the heartache."
He wasn't sure if she was referring to him, because he sure as hell was.
"Is that what its like for you?" she asked. "Protection?"
"Oh, I have protection."
He couldn't help it. He had an opening. He was rewarded with her light laughter. He realized that he was really the only person who could inspire it anymore. He remembered during the summer months how she was stone cold and silent.
Then suddenly, she was at his door, completely smashed. He liked how her hair was tousled and her clothes in disarray. She had told him she just wanted to forget. She just wanted to be free for a night. And that was the night he realized he could make her laugh.
And he was the only one.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"You were limping when you came in here."
"That's one thing I don't have protection against," he said. "Rejection from girls."
He looked to see that she was staring at him, as though she could see right through his soul.
"How strong did you come on?"
He put his fingers to her hair, the only act of affection he could show towards her without being regarded as a creep. Because everyone else thought so. Blair was different.
"My father left again tonight," Chuck mused. "Didn't even tell me. Even the room service twins knew and I didn't."
"I'm sure I can imagine what service they could comfort you with," Blair said hoarsely. Her throat still hurt.
"Jealous?" he grinned.
He wasn't sure if that was a deadpan or if she was being completely serious. She suddenly moved and lay her head in his lap. He was taken aback by her sudden attention. Nonetheless, he still put his arms around the gooseflesh that had formed on her scantily clad arms.
"Do you sometimes wish you could feel love?" she asked as he stroked her gently.
"Don't you?" he asked curiously. "Feel love."
"Only when I try hard enough."
Chuck decided it wasn't so bad having her in his arms. Maybe if he was a different man, a better man, he could have that sometime. Maybe if he didn't come on to girls in the way he did, he could have someone like Blair. Or maybe even have her.
But those sorts of thoughts were not welcome. They were bad thoughts. Bad Chuck. He thought he had shut those down for good during the summer but when he saw her so provocatively like this in front of him and she didn't mind his eyes, he couldn't help himself. He couldn't help but think what it would be like to be in between her thighs. What would it be like to have her wipe all his worry away. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would be... amazing.
"I think alone is better," she finally answered.
"Chuck," she whispered. He looked down at her wide doe eyes. "You're not alone. You have me."
That was the first time he realized it.
And then suddenly there was you. And you knew me. You saw me. And it was this... thing.
She was beautiful. He knew that he had noticed it before, but it was just so... in his face now. And so was she. She was in his face and he wasn't going to do a thing to stop it. Because he couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't take watching her flounce around with his best friend when his best friend wasn't even being mentally faithful to her. It wasn't right.
It was hard enough to see her clad in those black stockings or send clues to Nate who would never see. He couldn't understand how it had become like this. But he really knew. He knew. Deep down, he knew the deep set feeling in his chest when he heard I think we just broke up.
This time, he wasn't going to hold himself back. He was going to let himself go and enjoy every minute of it because Nate didn't deserve it. And for the first time, Chuck did. Because he would never cheat on her. He knew that first and foremost. If she ever let him be hers, he would never betray her like that. Because he was Chuck and she was Blair and that was just the way it was supposed to be.
She was scared by him. She knew this. His hands were caressing her in ways that were hardwired into making her think that she didn't deserve it. But he was looking at her now in that way. In that way that said you were... amazing up there.
In the baffling way that made her want to believe him. She knew this was wrong. She promised herself as soon as she found out about Serena she would never trust a man in her life. She would never trust Nate and she certainly didn't trust her father after everything. But after Chuck's quiet confession in the back of his limo, Blair realized her mistake. She realized that she had compromised herself. She never stopped trusting Chuck.
She trusted him to the point of foolishness when she suddenly found herself in his lap but his lips were attacking hers with the same ferocity that she couldn't find anything wrong with it. She just couldn't find fault with it because for the first time, she felt as though she were at the right place at the right time. For the first time, she didn't feel as though the world was against her.
She accepted his weight like it was something familiar. The way he touched her with his soft caresses and gazes made her feel as though she had been here before. They way their flesh melded together and how he fit her so perfectly was something she had never experienced before. And she still couldn't figure out why.
It was all memories of how he used to look at her curiously when she let Nate demean her or how his defined brow furrowed when she glared at herself in the mirror. It sort of made sense now. In a way that nothing else in this stupid world ever did.
"Did you ever think of this before?"
She was still used to this whole thing, considering she had just lost her virginity literally weeks ago. She knew Chuck Bass was Chuck and he didn't do the talking thing. But when he was with her, he just seemed like a completely different person. He actually looked at her and smiled. He smiled like he could see something in her, not smirking because he wanted to see her naked (though in retrospect, he could do both now.)
"I tried not to," he husked into the darkness. "I didn't know what I thought."
"It doesn't hurt anymore."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."
"No," she laughed lightly. "Not you. My... heart. It doesn't hurt anymore."
He was quiet and she wondered if she should leave. She didn't want to drive him away. As strange as it sounded, she wanted to stay here. In his bed. She moved slightly but he caught her. He dragged her slowly down to him again.
"So you don't want to be alone anymore?" he asked gently.
"I don't think I ever was."
"I think you're right."
She knew that he wasn't talking about her. She was talking about him.
"I don't have to stay," she offered.
"Do you want to leave?"
She didn't say anything. He had his answer. His heart fluttered in relief. He didn't like watching her walk away from him. He didn't like how he was paranoid that it would be the last time he would have her like this.
"You don't want me to leave."
It wasn't a question.
"I never did."
It was in the looks he gave her now. She could tell. She was apprehensive about telling Nate and she knew that Chuck was too. Though it wasn't as bad as what he did to her, it was almost like telling Nate would be an end to something. She didn't want to leave Chuck.
His eyes would prod her to the point of exasperation and he would laugh at her discomfort. He would laugh in a way that she had never heard before. And it almost made her feel proud that she was the cause of it.
He would still tip her chin as she laid sprawled on her cold tile but this time she wasn't dressed in lingerie for her boyfriend. This time, she was just looking for him. No one had ever trusted him in this capacity before. It was strangely frightening and thrilling.
"Don't do this to yourself," he said softly, holding her hair.
"What is the point?" she asked helplessly, slumping against him.
"Because you don't need it," he replied. "You don't need this. You're perfect without it."
She turned in his arms, looking at him curiously.
"Why are you saying these things?"
"Because they're true," he said, without thinking.
It was an answer to a silent question that hadn't been voiced.
When had he felt this way about her?
You make me feel safe and warm. So I get it now. I finally get love.
Blair thought she understood love before. Love was familial obligations and accepting pretty gifts. But soon it didn't come anymore. Soon as she felt was cold society events and the only thing she could find solace in was the scarf wielding devil who always had a smirk reserved especially for her.
Maybe that's all it was. Maybe she would look into dark eyes so similar to hers and just see what it was all about. He could be dangerous and make only her feel safe. She didn't know how he did it, but he just did.
"You're here," she whispered in surprise.
"I never left."
"Yes you did."
He looked to the ground in dismay. He never meant for her to feel alone. That was the whole point.
"I get it now," she announced.
"Get what?" he asked.
"How you make me feel the way you do," she said. "I used to think that I was just trying to get over my boyfriend. But every time I saw you, I would feel more and more elated. More than when I was with him. And I didn't understand it. But I get it now."
"I never meant to leave," he promised her.
"That's why you scared me so much," Blair explained. "I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted to fall for someone I wasn't supposed to. But I realized it wasn't because you were vile or cruel. You were like me. And nothing scares me like myself."
He was approaching her. Her college graduation party was still going on in the background. But it was all falling away.
"I didn't think you would come."
"Why would I miss this?"
"Because it would be safer," she said, "but more dangerous. You make me feel safe while at the same time free falling."
"You've always caught me by surprise," he admitted and they were a hairsbreadth away. She wanted to be closer. She never wanted to be away from him because those three months he was gone were the scariest she had ever felt. It was scarier than when she felt her first twinge of betrayal.
His lips were on hers and love just finally made sense.
Because love was Chuck Bass.