First fiction I ever wrote for Star Trek...and it's crack, shameless crack.
It was a normal day on the bridge, boring with nothing to do. Captain James Tiberius Kirk was sprawled on his chair, limbs akimbo, wishing some Klingon Warbirds would just drop out of warp and attack. Just to give him something to blow up. He wished for anything to happen.
Sadly, it didn't look like anything would happen anytime soon. So Kirk did the only thing available to him:
"Chekov what's our ETA to Space dock 12?"
"Twelve hours et fiv'teen minutes, Keptin."
"Mr. Sulu, increase speed to warp 4."
"Mr. Spock, status?"
"Nothing has appeared on our scanners, Captain."
"Lieutenant Uhura, anything from Star Fleet Command?"
Kirk looked at his watch, only two minutes passed. Damn. Time to move onto part two. "Anything now Commander?"
Another five minutes passed in silence. "Mr. Spock, anything now?"
"How about now?"
"Captain, only 30.76 seconds have elapsed since your last inquiry."
Spock turned around, to signal the end of Kirk's questioning. Too bad the signal passed right over the Captain's extremely bored head. "Spock?"
"Spock-y." The Commander started to develop a twitch, not that anyone could notice.
"Captain, please desist."
"Si—," Spock began.
"Spock-y, Spcockity, Spock, McSpockers." Spock tensed and got out of his chair and proceeded to approach his sitting Captain with a stoic, homicidal look upon his face. Luckily or unluckily, Uhura chimes in and saves Kirk from a Vulcan nerve pinch.
"Sir. Something is hailing us…a cloaked ship..." Spock halted his warpath abruptly and moved to stand next to Kirk.
"Patch it through to the view screen, Uhura."
"Aye, Sir." A few seconds later a male Romulan's visage appeared on the screen. A very scary, tattooed, male Romulan face. Behind him was a dark bridge setting with more Romulans.
Chekov jumps and clings onto Sulu.
"He is missing part ov hiz ear!" Chekov whispered frantically to Sulu.
Sulu's right eye develops a tick and is unable to tear his eyes away from the terrifying alien and the disturbing foreign bridge.
"Jimmy!" The Romulan captain booms joyfully at Kirk. Everyone jumps in their seats.
Spock raises his brow.
"How's it going?" asks the Romulan Commander in a rather disturbing fashion.
"Great, Dad," dread started to fill Kirk's being. Everyone on the bridge sent openly incredulous looks at the Romulan and their Captain. Kirk and the Romulan could feel every eyeball but they were staunchly ignored.
"Jim..." begins Nero, "aren't you going to introduce me to your crew? I thought I raised you with manner?" Kirk flinches a bit inside.
"Uhhh, yeah," he chokes out," Guys, this is my dad, Nero. Dad, this is my crew: Sulu's the pilot. Chekov's my navigator, Uhura's the head communications officer, and this is my first officer, Spock."
Nero glances at each and everyone of them as they are introduced. "I have a feeling you all will do...great things," says Nero in a strange tone. He then glares harshly at Spock.
"Have you been practicing safe away party procedure?" asks the scarred alien after what seemed like hours of silence and glaring.
"For the most part, Dad," Kirk replies.
"Have you've been eating your vegetables?" The Romulan quickly asks.
Someone snickers but it was quickly muffled after a glare from Kirk and the alien.
"Jim. You have to eat more vegetables and less junk food. Don't think I don't know you have the fatty gene. You don't want to be chubby do you?" Jim feels his face heat up.
Uhura accidently let out a loud, strangled laugh.
'Damn you Uhura,' thinks Kirk.
"Yes, Dad. I know Dad. Please stop, you're kinda undermining my authority…"
"Alright, one more thing, your mother also asked me to remind you to wear clean underwear." Jim Kirk thinks he died a little on the inside.
This time, the whole bridge giggles. Spock even has a slight smirk on his face. Oh yeah, he's laughing hysterically on the inside. Damn him, damn them all.
"Your mom's just been so worried about you," explains Nero, "oh, and your sister wants to say "hi". Oh yes, Elana!"
The Romulan turned away from the screen, "Big brother Jimmy is on the com!"
A flurry of tiny footsteps was heard. Jim feels the dread anchor itself into his very being. Why did he wish for something to happen, WHY?!
A few seconds later the Romulan stepped back and a most adorable little girl with straight black hair and dark blue eyes popped on screen.
"Yay! Stupid brother Jimmy! Mommy and Daddy said I can stay with you for a few weeks! Isn't it great?" chatters the excited little girl.
The color started to drain from Kirk's face. Spock, being the observant person he is notices and secretively places a concerned hand on Kirk's shoulder. Unfortunately, Elana saw that…
…and so did the terrifying Romulan captain.
"Dummy, who's that? He's handsome. I want him! Give him to me Stupid Jimmy." Kirk's eyebrow started to twitch, his fear momentarily forgotten.
"This is MY First Officer, Commander Spock, and no, you may not have him," Jim says with a huff. Spock's tightens his grip on Jim's shoulder.
Elana was not to be deterred; she turns to the Romulan captain. "Daddy, I want to have the pretty First Officer! Make Stupid brother Dum-dum head give him to me, please. I want to marry him and make beautiful Romulan-Human children!"
The crew is speechless and looks from the Romulan captain to Captain Kirk. They both had identical looks of panic on their faces.
The Romulan captain acted first, "Ayel! Get Elana and bring her to Winona! It's time for her lunch!"
"Yes Captain Nero." An equally large Romulan came and whisks the little girl away.
Nero clears his throat and glares viciously at Spock.
"Vulcan." Spock actually visibly jumped. No one could blame him. "Know that you will never get to marry my precious daughter."
Spock only nods stiffly. "Yes Sir."
"Good, now that that is settled. Why is your hand on MY son?!" Nero growls.
Spock immediately jerks his hand away from Kirk's shoulder. He had forgotten it was there. Captain Kirk could only hide his face in his hands.
"What are your intentions with my son? If you answer incorrectly, let's just say you will never be able to answer anything again…," Nero grins, feral and canines prominent and leaning menacingly towards the screen.
Chekov lets out a whimper, Sulu almost faints. The look wasn't even directed at them.
Chekov flinches and blurts out something in hopes to save himself, "Zey are having ze SEXY!"
"WHAT!?!!" shrieks Nero and Kirk at the same time and in the same tone.
Sulu and Uhura's mouths drop open in shock. Spock flinches violently this time but quickly composes himself.
Spock answers as calmly as he can while simultaneously glaring twin holes at the back of Chekov's head and hoping his brain will leak out. Not that he will ever admit to that.
"I would imagine that any other response besides "absolutely no intentions, ever" will be met with physical violence?"
"You got that right, Vulcan," snarls Nero.
"Absolutely no intentions, ever, Sir."
"Good. That's what I thought," Nero leans away, looking slightly appeased.
Jim couldn't take it anymore.
"Alright! Great! Byebye! See ya later Dad, Love you and Mom! Hugs and kisses!" Kirk interrupts frantically.
He then hastily turns towards Uhura's station and made a harsh slashing motion across his throat.
"Wait! Remember Elana is coming aboard in—," the connection cut off before Nero can finish. Jim Kirk lets out a big sigh and finally relaxes.
He coughs and turns to look at his crew.
"This…this call never happened. You understand?" And somehow, the same deranged look that Nero had appears on Jim's face.
Everyone winced but nods quickly in agreement. The bridge is silent after that exchange and no one could believe the past few minutes occurred. The crew continued to sit in awkward silence until the doors to the bridge whooshed open and McCoy stepped in.
McCoy pauses and looks around the bridge curiously. "Did I miss something?"
"The Keptin's father is a Romulan keptin!" blurts out Chekov.
"Mr. Chekov, I thought we established that the last few minutes didn't exist!"
"On the contrary Captain you cannot the reality of what happened. No matter how much we wish we can."
"Shut up Spock."
"Sorry Keptin Kirk."
"Let me guess, your father called to check in?" questions Bones.
"Yeah," replies Kirk dejectedly. He slumps deeply in his chair. McCoy glances at a paler than normal Spock who was still near the Captain.
"He asked about your intentions, too? Right?"
"Yes he did, Doctor," replies a still shaken Spock.
Bones winces and looked at Spock with true sympathy. "You poor unfortunate soul," he says solemnly.
Kirk cries into his hands that day. His crew will never forget this, he just knows it. And now Elana's coming.
'Why did I wish for 'anything' to happen? WHY?'
"Damn you! You stupid Klingons! It's all your fault!"
"I hate dead SPACE!"