Disclaimer: I don't own Clerks. It belongs to the genius Kevin Smith. And I'm far from a genius, so...

Summary: Set after Clerks. Dante's drunk out of his mind, and Randal is there to listen to it all, among other things. DanteRandal, slash, oneshot

Note: this was actually first posted on my other account, SnowLion no Miko, under the same name. I am in no way plagiarizing this fic, since my other account and this one are…well really the same person so I can't plagiarize myself…duh. It was originally posted on 2-24-08, and had 9 reviews.

Alright, my first Clerks fanfic! I hope you enjoy, and please review, whoever gets possessed enough to read this. Haha.

Inebriated Inevitability

Randal Graves always wondered what exactly defined the phrase "best friend."

As he watched his dark haired friend puke his guts out on the sidewalk, he knew that, apparently, being someone's best friend means you have to drag their drunk ass out of a bar as they begin to sing Cher show-tunes and get the lyrics dreadfully wrong.

He quirked an eyebrow as Dante started to stumble to his feet, wiping his mouth as he did so. "Want me to hold your hair back, princess?" He said, a smirk adorning his lips while his eyes made sure Dante didn't full out fall over and bust his ass in that massive pile he had just purged.

Randal was glad that he had a strong stomach now, anyone else would've been joining Dante in his torture after seeing all that.

"C'mon," Randal lifted Dante up and balanced him with his shoulder underneath his arm to help him walk.

Dante didn't protest. He was much too wasted to even comprehend what was happening.

"Ya know, you didn't have to go out and get shit-faced just because you were dumped."

"Twice." The black haired man slurred, holding up two fingers shakily. "Twice...in one...night."

"Technically, it was only once," Randal felt the need to point out, "You weren't even seriously dating Caitlin and really, it wasn't of her will that she left you. Basically, you lost your girlfriend and a booty call."

Dante groaned.

"I'm...tired of this, Danral..."

"Wow, you really are smashed. Danral? Seriously?"


It was silent for a moment, the still lingering voiced syllables of Randal's name ringing in his head. Dante seemed to have said it out of correcting himself, but it seemed as if he said it for a totally different reason.


He sighed in aggravation, "Why do you keep saying my name?"

"I dunno...ha...heh..."

"You never need to get drunk. Never again."

Dante gave a slurred, mish mash sound as a laughing response, as if he was saying: "Like hell I won't."

Randal shifted Dante's weight on his shoulder. The joint was starting to ache under the pressure his friend put on it, and they still had a while to go until they got back to the Quick Stop to retrieve his car. Groaning, Randal let out a slight curse at his misfortune.

"You...can leave me...if ya wanna..."

Randal rolled his eyes, "You really are dumb." He fiddled with the hair at the nape of his neck as he continued with a slight sarcastic drawl, "Like I'd leave you, drunk and defenseless, out in the middle of nowhere, where you could - "

"Randal cares?" Dante said in a mix of fake disillusionment and slurred speech.

"And Dante must always ask the most irrelevant questions."

"Yesh...Dante must..."

Randal let out a lazy yawn as they came nearer and nearer to the Quick Stop.

"I'm tired of...this...Randal."

"Yes, you've said that already. Tired of what, exactly?"

"Caitlin...Veronica...hiding things - "

"Like your sexuality?"

Dante laughed roughly, the dizziness in his head making it hard to think, let alone carry on conversation with his friend. "You...'lways make it 'bout that."

"You give me the ammunition, my friend."

"So what'f it was?"

Randal didn't have time to answer, for Dante's mouth pressed tightly against his own. His eyes widened, but he didn't push away for some strange reason. He could smell the strong scent of liquor on his breath and around them. It was a hard, forceful kiss, as if everything that was left in the dark haired man's body was being put forth into this one moment in time. As if he was scared that something was going to happen, and Randal would pull away and make some gay joke, and then it would be awkward between them...Dante knew he didn't want that, despite the state of his alcohol clogged brain. Neither did Randal, but he wasn't going to say that out loud.

The sheer, desperate, longing nature of it softened after a while and the two parted, not knowing what to do with the sudden tension that had been released into the atmosphere.

Dante was panting, his eyes not at once leaving Randal's.

The cap-wearing clerk was the first to break the gaze by looking out in front of the both of them. He scoffed, "Wow, if you kissed like that with Veronica and Caitlin, I can see why they dumped your ass."

Dante swallowed hard, a little bit of conscientiousness creeping back onto him. Did he just actually do that? "Randal - "

He was cut off by his friend's large hand clasping the back of his head and digging into his hair and scalp. Dante winced out of the harshness of the touch and of utter shock. What was going on? This was strange... He ignored the flutters of many butterflies in his stomach and the pounding of his heart in his ears as Randal smirked, eyes studying his face.

"I've got many things to teach you, then."

With that, Randal crushed his lips against Dante's.


Yes, yes. I just felt the need to write this. I hope I did them justice in this fic! I'm no expert at writing DanteRandal; they are just...gosh, hard to get in character for me. It's not meant to be a long, drawn out fic. It's just a nice, short and sweet thing. Well, not so much sweet as it is drunken smooching and questioning sexuality...

Anyway, I would appreciate reviews, but if you don't, then that's fine.

Hope you enjoyed it!