I have done smarter things in my life than attempt to take on a version of Sarah the talented Mr. Wepdiggy has perfected, but since he did such a terrific job with "Adorable Psycho Meets the Emoticon," (if you haven't read it, I feel so sorry for you) I felt it was only fair to request AP Sarah for a little adventure of my own.
This story takes place in Wep's "Adorable Psycho" universe (and if you haven't read any of those, stop making me feel sorry for you and read them already), where Chuck and Sarah are dating. Specifically, "Adorable Psycho vs the Letter of the Law" is helpful reading for this.
A quick heads up - this one has some strong language and sexual situations that warrant a T, if not an M, rating. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I don't own Chuck, I sadly don't own AP Sarah, and I don't own an iron. But thankfully I don't mind looking wrinkled.
Chuck vs The Adorable Psycho
Chuck pressed his fingers up against his eyes. "You have got to be kidding me," he whined.
For once, Casey didn't seem to have it in him to needle Chuck. They stood in Casey's apartment, where Casey had just broken the news. "Wish I was, Bartowski," he said glumly.
"You do remember what she did the last time I was asked to seduce a mark, right?"
"Remember?" Casey seethed. "I'm still trying to keep us all one step ahead of the Ethics Committee!"
"Well, this is gonna be worse."
"Maybe she's softening on the issue," Casey suggested lamely.
Chuck raised an eyebrow. "Do I need to remind you about the salon incident?"
"That was your fault. You know Walker hates it when other women touch you."
"She was a hairstylist! And they're still finding pieces of her, by the way. I'm never eating a hot dog again."
"Well, Phil down at the barber shop seems to be doing just fine."
Chuck frowned as he gave a tug as his sideburns. "I wish he'd let me grow these out."
"Focus, Bartowski," Casey growled. Suddenly he brightened with a thought. "Hey, what's her count up to this week?"
Chuck sighed. "Just one." Casey cocked his head in anticipation. "Toll booth attendant," Chuck clarified. "She's positive she gave him a five."
"Well, we're going to need to think of something."
Chuck suddenly snapped his head towards the door, then back to Casey. "Do you hear that?"
Casey squinted. "Sounds like… whistling," he answered.
"Specifically," Chuck clarified, "it sounds like someone whistling Kaci Battaglia's 'Crazy Possessive.'"
The two men's eyes widened with realization. "Uh, oh," they said in unison.
The door swung open, and Sarah Walker casually walked in. She looked stylish as usual in a simple pair of jeans and a blue top. She finished singing the refrain as she shut the door behind her, substituting the obvious curse word for a quick raspberry:
"Touch my man again, and I'ma phhlbt you up, yeah I'ma phhblt you up- Hey, guys."
Chuck stood almost at attention next to Casey, fiddling with a button on his shirt. "Hey, Sarah," he chirped. "How was your morning?"
Sarah shrugged and dropped her purse on the couch. "Count jumped a bit today," she sighed.
Chuck and Casey shared a hopeful look. "Um… really?" Chuck asked. "What happened… sweetie?"
Sarah flopped down on the couch next to her purse and idly pulled out her Sig Sauer. "Totally not my fault," she answered casually as she disassembled the weapon. "I mean, we've all been there. You're buying a pack of gum at the supermarket, waiting in line behind some jerk who thinks the express lane isn't for ten items or less…" Sarah trailed off, sniffing her gun barrel and wincing at the fresh scent as Chuck and Casey waited for the rest of the story.
Slowly they realized- that was the story.
"Oh, yeah," Chuck croaked weakly. "That is annoying…"
"I don't suppose he had a twin brother," Casey asked.
"N-nothing, jellybean," Chuck soothed as he glared at Casey. "Anything else happen?"
Sarah took a break from her inspection and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Um…"
Chuck and Casey leaned close in anticipation.
"…no," she finally responded. Both men slumped. "Casey, can I borrow your cleaning kit? My Sig's all full of carbon buildup." Casey grunted and went to rummage through a kitchen drawer, finally pulling out a small leather case and handing it to Sarah. She went straight to work cleaning her Sig as Chuck shuffled a little closer to Sarah and perched on the arm of the couch.
"So… all done with the errands for today?"
"Car's nice and full of gas?"
"Christmas gifts returned? Gosh, those are some looong lines."
"I took care of that last week, Chuck. Why did you think we had to cancel the spa weekend?" She looked up from her work and narrowed her eyes. "Stupid Wal-Mart."
Chuck watched as Sarah finished cleaning and oiling the various parts of her weapon, reassembling it with frightening precision. "Yeah," he chuckled nervously. "Forgot about that. Um… what about that trip to the DMV? Did you actually get your license renewed, or-"
Chuck was interrupted by the slow, deliberate turn of Sarah's head. She fixed her cold blue gaze upon him through slivered eyes. Chuck gulped and immediately lost feeling in his feet.
"Chuck…" Sarah began, her voice low and menacing. "Do you want me to hit my quota?"
Chuck instinctively leaned back, and his perch on the arm of the couch combined with the fear-induced loss of motor control to his lower extremities caused him to tumble back off the couch. He looked up innocently from his new vantage point on the floor and tried to sound as casual as possible.
He did not succeed.
"N-n-n-n-now Sarah," he stuttered out, "why on earth w-w-would I want you to-"
The staccato click of the magazine being slammed into Sarah's gun interrupted Chuck's floundering as Sarah slowly, menacingly, stood up from the couch and poised herself above Chuck's prone form. Chuck suddenly felt a rush of blood to a part of his anatomy that should not have been experiencing a rush of blood at that moment. Great, he thought to himself, I'm getting turned on by my crazy girlfriend's craziness. This does not bode well for the future.
"I think," Sarah hissed as she crouched and placed a knee directly between Chuck's, "you want me to hit my quota because there's something you're supposed to do-" Sarah leaned in close to Chuck's face and pinched his chin. "-something that involves you and some skank-" she brought her lips right up against Chuck's nose. "-that's going to make me want to do something bad," she finally growled out.
Chuck opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again when he heard a familiar rush of air and saw Sarah's eyes suddenly go distant. They both looked up to see Casey holding a tranq pistol, a concerned look on his face.
Sarah managed to force out, "You're on my list now, Sugar Bear," before collapsing on top of Chuck. She was still for a moment, then raised her head to look Chuck in the eye.
"Izzat a Browning .44 in yer pocket, or…" She trailed off and dropped her head onto Chuck's chest.
"Look, before you get your panties in a bunch-"
"No, no-" Chuck looked down at the pile of blonde on his chest, then back up at Casey. "I love you."
"I still don't see why we had to bring her along."
Casey rolled his eyes and adjusted his earpiece inside the surveillance van. On one of the video screens, Chuck sat waiting for his mark in the hotel bar.
"Where did you want her to be when she woke up, Bartowski?" he asked. "Here with me in the van where I can keep an eye on her, or out there in the world where there are all sorts of pointy things she can get her hands on?"
"Valid point. But what are you gonna do when she wakes up? She's gonna be really pissed."
"I can handle Walker," Casey growled. Chuck laughed.
"Seriously, though, what are you gonna do when she wakes up?"
Casey grit his teeth, then finally admitted sheepishly, "I gave her a little sedative for when that happens. She's actually already up."
"What? What's she doing?"
"Everyone reacts a little differently to the sedative, Bartowski. Some people slip right back into unconsciousness, some people get euphoric, some people-"
"What's Sarah doing?" Chuck interrupted.
Casey sighed and turned back to look at his partner.
"She's playing with dolls."
Sarah sat cross-legged in the back of the surveillance van, a blonde-haired doll in one hand and a brunette in the other. She spoke in a squeaky voice as she bobbed the brunette doll up and down.
"Hi! I'm a skank! Is Chuck around?"
Sarah lowered her voice to a normal pitch and bobbed the blonde doll up and down.
"I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
"It's Skanky McSkansalot, but my friends all call me Skanky."
"Well, I'm sorry, Ms McSkanksalot, but Chuck is very busy trying to plow you for information right now. Can I take a message?"
"Oh, okay! Could you tell him that Skanky McSkanksalot just wanted to skank skankity skank skank."
"I'll be sure to let him know."
Chuck's voice crackled over Casey's headset.
"She's doing what?"
"Just keep your head in the game, Bartowski, she's fine." Casey muted his mic and turned back to Sarah. "You okay back there, Walker?"
"You know how when you say a word over and over again it seems to lose its meaning?"
Casey rooted around in his bag for something else to eat. He checked the monitor again, seeing Bartowski waiting alone for his mark to return from the ladies' room. Kid was taking forever with this job.
Suddenly his earpiece crackled to life.
"How's Sarah, Casey?"
"Bartowski, you've got to get a grip over there. Walker's fine. She's singing Lynard Skynard."
"Tuuuuuesday's gone…. With the wiiiiind…."
Casey winced and turned to Sarah. "You know, you're ruining one of my favorite band's songs."
"If you interrupt my singing again, I'll tell Chuck you had a bag full of dolls in the van."
"For the last time, they're gifts for my niece."
"Keep telling yourself that, partner. My baby's gone… with the wiiiiind…"
"Shoulda just tranqued her again," Casey muttered under his breath.
"Ooh, look," he heard Sarah exclaim behind him. "Snacks." There was a rustling as Sarah tore through the cooler Casey had brought along. He sighed and pressed his fingers up against his eyes. It was going to be a long night.
The screen showed two empty seats at the bar. They hadn't been able to get a camera into the hotel room, and Bartowski hadn't activated his earpiece in over an hour. Casey could only assume what that meant.
Casey turned to see Sarah, prone in the corner of the van, a box of animal crackers in one hand and a juice box in the other. The juice box straw dangled from her lips.
"I'm pretty, right?"
"Casey, just tell me I'm pretty. I'm kinda at a low point right now."
Casey squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Yes, Walker, you're very pretty. In fact, if I didn't think it would send Bartowski into an estrogen coma, I'd take you around the world twice right here in the van."
"Because I'm pretty, right?"
"Because you're pretty."
"I'm flattered, but you're not my type."
Before Casey could respond, the side door to the van slid open, and Chuck hopped inside. Sarah's face lit up, then darkened as she remembered where he'd been.
"You were doing bad things in there," Sarah growled, sitting upright. Chuck gulped, and held up his hand.
"Wait- wait a second, sweetie, I have good news."
"Unless it's temporary erectile dysfunction, I'm not sure I want to hear it."
"We didn't do anything," Chuck blurted out. "She's a lush. Big time drinker. I just kept feeding her the amaretto stone sours, and next thing you know she was rattling off a list of names in the hotel room. I flashed on all of them. Then all I had to do was kiss her for a few minutes, and she passed right out."
Sarah blinked a couple times. "Really?"
"Really, Sarah, I promise."
Casey grunted from the front seat. "Nice work, Bartowski."
Chuck smiled at Casey, then turned his grin to Sarah, who was now making her way over to Chuck. She finally smiled wide and kissed him. When the kiss finally ended, she touched her forehead to his chest.
"I'm sorry I get so crazy sometimes," she said. "I just… I really…" She looked up into Chuck's smiling eyes. "You know."
"I know," Chuck answered, and kissed her lightly. Sarah smiled and squealed happily as she hugged Chuck as hard as she could.
"Driver," she ordered, "take me and my man home so that he may plow me."
Casey put the van into gear and winced. "Note to self, more bleach for my ears."
The next morning, Chuck woke to an empty bed. He looked around groggily, wondering where Sarah had gone, until he heard the sound of activity in the kitchen. He smiled, remembering last night's gymnastics. At least crazy jealous Sarah turned out to also be fun-in-bed Sarah. He slowly got to his feet, groaning at the soreness in several muscles he hadn't been aware even existed.
Chuck made his way to the kitchen, where he was greeted by the sight of Sarah, wearing a black "Who" concert t-shirt of his, making an attempt at breakfast. She glanced over his shoulder at him, and greeting him cheerily. "Morning, baby."
"Morning," Chuck returned.
"I'm massacring breakfast."
"Well, it's the thought that counts."
Sarah grinned and threw a pot holder at Chuck as he ducked out of the way. He settled into the living room couch and turned on the television. Sarah came in a moment later with a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast. She put the food on the coffee table and nestled herself into Chuck's lap.
"Hey," Chuck said. "You do believe me, right?" Sarah cocked her head questioningly. "About last night," he clarified. "Nothing happened with the mark. We just kissed."
"Of course I believe you Chuck," Sarah said, gazing into his eyes. "I trust you completely." Sarah leaned in to kiss Chuck, when a television news story suddenly made itself heard.
"Police are investigating the mysterious death of an anonymous woman found at the Four Seasons Hotel early this morning, the victim of an apparent gas attack…"
Chuck flinched, and tilted his head to see the television screen, just in time to watch as the coroners removed a body bag from the hotel. His eyes widened. "Uhm… Sarah?"
"Mmm hmm?" she answered, her lips against Chuck's neck.
"Is… is that…" Chuck gestured vacantly at the television. "…her?"
Sarah lazily craned her neck to look at the television screen, then returned her lips to Chuck's neck. "Mmm hmm," she responded casually.
"But… but… but you just said that you believed me! That you trusted me when I told you nothing happened! All we did was kiss!"
"Yyyyeah, about that," Sarah drawled, placing a series of kisses on Chuck's neck in between sentences. "I do believe you. But I got to thinking about the whole kissing thing, and it turns out that I really don't like that, either."
"So you killed her?"
Sarah lifted her head to look Chuck in the eye. "With gas," she said, shrugging innocently. "It was completely painless. I think that was very nice of me, don't you?" Sarah returned to kissing Chuck's neck. "I'm sorry, Chuck, but when it comes to you, I just… can't really control myself."
Chuck felt that familiar rush of blood at Sarah's last statement. Sarah shifted in his lap as she noticed. "And it seems like you can't control yourself either, Mr. Bartowski," she cooed, moving up to nibble on his ear. Chuck sighed resignedly.
"We are so twisted."
So, there you have it. Maybe AP Sarah is rubbing off on Chuck.
Yeah, I went there.