(A/N) I'm back. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait, but I hope this was worth it. There's been so much going on lately that it may not be up to my usual standard. But I'm hopeful, so enjoy!
The baby screamed his head off. Arra screamed her head off. It was that pattern that made Kurda pray for when the eight O'clock bell would toll and maybe would give them some silence at last. It was 7:45, he could do this, only fifteen minutes until detention started and maybe he could reign in some control before things got too bad.
All of a sudden, everything stopped. The babies cries stopped, Arra's yells were silenced, that it until a new scream came. "My beard!" Paris screamed, and Mickey laughed, pulling harder of Paris' amazingly long facial hair.
"Get off you demon child!" Paris yelled, jerking Mickey's tiny hands off his beard, but all that did was jerk the hairs even more. Paris screamed louder, like a wounded cat screeching when you "accidently" step on it, and started running in circles, jerking on Mickey the whole time.
"Paris Anthony Skyle! Put my child down this instant or I swear I'll kill you!" Arra got up and reached for the baby, jerking him away from Paris' beard and succeeding on getting Mickey, along with several hundred hairs off Paris's face. The babies' and the old man's eyes welled with tears of sadness.
"I've had that beard for almost 300 years." He turned to look at his BFF (also known as Seba, or Sebs). "It never grows back the same."
He cried, his tears rolling down his old man wrinkles. "Oh can it Santa Claus, the world has bigger problems than your weird attachment to your hair." Arrow said, looking back at the depressed baby, who Arra was now hugging it so tight that he looked practically strangled. "Like the growing child abuse problem in this place."
"Larten, do me a favor and kill Arrow while I lay Mickey down over here." Arra never broke stride as she moved to put Mickey over on the "blanket" she had made form a robe she stole out of the broom closet. Larten looked at her, then at Arrow, and stood still, his face growing pale in fear.
The baby laid on the blanket, still looking upset, but not as much. Arra looked back and them and opened her mouth right as the 8 O'clock bell tolled seven times. It was a little jacked up from an accident involving a toaster, a sack of frozen peas, and a gerbil before any of the vampires in the room had even been thought of.
"Alright class, I'm going to stay in here, but you have two more hours before Vanez comes to retrieve the baby to return it to Wal-Mart. The store is in the back, here's your hundred dollars." Kurda gave Darren the fake money. The boy looked at it, his eyes wide.
"Santa got my letter!" He opened his mouth in a huge grin that stretched so big you could barely see his cheeks. "I'm a rich kid for the first time!" He broke into a victory dance, saying "suck it beotches" to anyone who came within 2 inches of him.
This kept up for about 3 seconds before Arra snatched the "Kurda-Bucks" right out of his hand. "Me and Larten are going to the store, which is only the back of the room. Watch the baby." She wrapped one hand around Arrow's throat, pulling him close to her. "Got it?"
"I got it, please let me go, nice lady!" Arrow choked out, his face, and his bald head turning redder the longer she choked him. Arra rolled her eyes, whispering something more about the weakness of men as she grabbed Larten by the arm and pulled him toward the cabinet.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Darren turned to the others. "Guys, we have to do something about this, she has insulted our manly pride!"
"Your right Darren, we need to show her that were not stay at home dads, we have pride!" Arrow agreed.
"FOOTBALL!" Mika yelled, and banged his chest, causing Kurda, Arra, Larten, and Mickey to give him idiotic looks.
"No, you asshole, we need to show something that proves we are manly men!" Arrow pulled him back down into their huddle. "And we have to use the baby, because I don't want us to end up dead."
"I've got it!" Seba said, and the rest of them leaned into the old vampire's whispers while Kurda watched in alarm as a plan brewed, and judging by Mika's outburst, it couldn't be a good one.
"Alright, should we get extra-wet protection, or deluxe leak protection?" Arra grabbed a bag off the top shelf. Larten stared at her, not being able to make out any of the writing on the bags. He didn't even know those were diapers.
"How about the deluxe?" Larten mumbled, feeling embarrassed by his inability to read, "Deluxe is good right?"
"Usually, it h-," Arra stopped as they both heard the loud bang of two of the desks being flipped onto their sides. Arra whipped around, seeing Arrow and Mika and Darren standing in front of two overturned desks. Darren held Mickey up feeding him milk that had a funny orange tinge to it.
"What are you giving to Mickey, and where is his diaper?" Arra yelled running forward. Arrow and Mika jumped forward and grabbed her. By her arms, while Darren didn't move, he just stood while Mickey sucked down the rest of the bottles worth of orange milk. She was right, Mickey had on no diaper, but Darren did have a satisfied smile as he looked up at Arra and held up the empty bottle.
"That, my good lady, was a packet of airborne mixed in with your baby formula. Why, you may ask?" He turned his head dramatically, squinting one of his eyes is a glare. "Well, I'll tell you."
"Airborne, with its chemical make-up, is designed to get rid of colds and prevent them afterwards. It is full of vitamin C." Mickey squirmed in Darren's arms and he cocked his head, watching as Seba and Paris leapt out from behind the desks to help their friends hold Arra still. She squirmed as much as Mickey, trying to break their grip in confusion.
"Do you know what happens to excess Vitamin C, Arra? No?" Darren put his hands under Mickey's arms, holding him up so his front was to Arra. "You pee it out!"
And then it started, Mickey couldn't take it anymore. He let it loose, soaking Arra in pee as he started to cry form Darren's maniacal laughter. When he was finished, Darren laid him on the table, and the others let go of Arra, running over to the table.
Arra stood with her eyes shut, breathing deeply, while the five of them slapped hands and chest bumped in a manly parade of pride. "You….assholes." She said it quietly.
"We're sorry Arra, but you had to learn what it's like to mess with the boys on campus!" Seba yelled, ripping his shirt off his chest (or at least he tried to). The others fist pumped and hooted in agreement. "Tell her Larten!"
"Yeah," Arra turned around, "Tell me Larten. Tell me I deserved to be pissed on by my own baby because of your shithead friends. Tell me."
"Honey, sweetie, Snookum's, babe, my Twinkie; I had nothing to do with this, believe me! We were buying diapers, remember!" Larten held his hands in front of his face.
"What are you talking about, Daddy-O? You should take credit for such a great plan!" Darren yelled, and the rest chanted agreement.
Kurda sat watching as Larten Crepsley slowly met his end. Arra never gave a second thought to the diaper excuse, she laid into him like an alcoholic lays into some good Kentucky bourbon. Almost an hour later, when it was done and Larten lay unconscious, barely hanging onto life, and his two remaining teeth, Kurda decided they had learned a valuable lesson and could all go home.
"Alright, were done here. Class is dismissed, and I'll see you all, except maybe not Larten, tomorrow at 6. And remember men, women always were the pants. Get over yourselves." And with that, he left, followed by the vampires who were still able to stand, and Vanez, who had come to retrieve Mickey, The WAL-MART baby.
(A/N) You better remember it too, boys, if any of you are reading this.