Calendar Girls

Author: Annie B. Goddess of Torment

Rating: PG-13 … I think… (

Author's notes:

"I caught dinner yesterday, it's your turn!" Gabrielle said.

"I caught a rabbit yesterday. Remember, we had a stew, which I made by the way," Xena responded.

"Ugh! How could I have forgotten that! Alright, I'll go, but I'm cooking!" Gabrielle said.

"No problem," Xena replied, grinning as Gabrielle grabbed a piece of twine and left.

"Actually, it was my turn, but I didn't feel like hunting," Xena said under her breath and laughed softly.

A rustle of the bushes behind her caused the warrior woman to spin around and draw her sword. She approached cautiously and, when she was close enough, parted the bushes quickly, raising her sword in preparation for an attack. She lowered it immediately when she recognized a cowering Salmoneous with his hands covering his head.

"It's me! Don't attack!" he pleaded.

"Get up, Salmoneous. What are you doing here?" Xena asked, as she casually examined her sword's blade.

"Ah, well, I've come to see you and Gabrielle about a business proposition," he began.

"Business proposition? What kind of scam are you running now?" she asked.

"Well, you know how the Romans have this new way of keeping track of days? They call it a calendar. Well, I was thinking of putting together a calendar and pictures of beautiful girls! People would love it! Well, guys would anyway, but we could do another one later on for the girls, maybe with Hercules..." Salmoneous explained.

"What has this got to do with Gabrielle and me?" Xena interrupted, as she began sharpening her sword.

"Ah, well, I was thinking that Gabrielle could be Miss December and you could be Miss March. What do you think?" Noticing the look on Xena's face, Salmoneous quickly continued, "Well, if you don't like those months, you could always choose another one. I'm sure there won't be any problem."

"I think I can speak for Gabrielle as well when I say, not a chance in Tarturus!" Xena snapped.

"But, Xena, think about what a great opportunity this would be for you! Men all over Greece and Rome would know who you are! When you walk down the street, men would say, 'Look, there goes Miss March!' Come on, Xena, what do you say? At least just think it over? I've got an artist willing to start your portrait next week," Salmoneous pleaded.

Xena was opening her mouth to speak when Gabrielle returned carrying a freshly killed rabbit and some herbs.

"I found a really fat one and these herbs will... oh, hi Salmoneous. What do you want?" Gabrielle asked.

"Well, I was just talking to Xena about you and her posing for an artist friend of mine," Salmoneous replied smoothly.

"He wants us to pose for one of those new calendars the Romans thought up. What do you think, Gabrielle? Would you like to be pointed out by men all over Rome and Greece as Miss December? Or, if you want, you could be Miss March?" Xena said, teasingly.

Gabrielle looked at Salmoneous in disbelief for a moment and then grinned.

"Come to think of it, that sounds like fun. Why not?" Gabrielle laughed.

"Really? I mean you aren't gonna back out of this at the last minute are you?" Salmoneous asked worriedly.

Gabrielle nodded and replied, "It sounds like fun. What do you say, Xena?"

"I can't believe you're gonna do this! Gabrielle, I thought you hated things like this?" Xena asked in disbelief.

"I'm getting older, Xena. I don't have the body I once had. I used to have guys hanging all over me in the taverns, now they don't even look at me twice. I just think it would be kind of fun to have guys all over Greece and Rome admiring me, at least for one month." Gabrielle explained.

"If anything, Gabrielle, I think the guys in the taverns are afraid to approach you. Look at you. You have the body of an Olympian. Most women your age have three or four kids by now and look twice their age. But I think you're right. It would be fun to have guys admiring me. I don't know if you've noticed, but even Ares isn't visiting as often as he used to," Xena grinned.

"So, you're both gonna do it?" Salmoneous asked cautiously, looking from one to the other.

"Yes," The two women said in unison.

"When can we pose for the artist?" Gabrielle asked.

A few months later...

The God of War licked his lips as he admired his newly acquired calendar. He glanced through all the months and then flipped back to March.

"How I love my calendar girl!" he grinned and leaned back, admiring the picture of a half-dressed Warrior Princess again.

"I'd love to march her somewhere and as for Miss December, heh, I'd love to have her as my Solstice present!" the god snickered.

* * * * *

In the town of Athens, Joxer purchased the new calendar and flipped through the pages, stopping when he came to March. His jaw dropped as he saw one of his best friends stretched out in a seductive pose on a bearskin rug with only a small piece of fur covering her buttocks. Flipping through the rest of the calendar, he saw Gabrielle as Miss December. Dressed in a white fur miniskirt and another piece of fur covering her breasts, his jaw hit the ground again and he stared for a few minutes at the picture of the woman that he loved.

"Did ya catch the babe at the end?" One man asked his friend.

"Oh yeah! Although I really liked Miss March! Wouldn't mind getting her on my rug! If ya know what I mean! Hehehe!" The other man snickered.

Joxer turned on the two men and confronted them.

"Those two women are my best friends! Watch how you talk about them!" Joxer warned.

The two men laughed and walked away, talking together about if wishes were horses and then continued their talk about some of the other women in the calendar.

Joxer looked at the calendar again and wondered what would make his two friends do a thing like that. He shrugged and opened the calendar to Miss December again and decided to put it out of his mind, at least for the time being.

* * * * *

In another part of Greece, a beautiful blonde woman walked out of a temple, smiling as she saw several men sitting a short distance away. She adjusted her half-exposed breasts and walked seductively towards them.

"Take a look at this one!" one man remarked.

"She can march me wherever she wants!" another man commented.

"Oh, boys!" the woman called out.

The men ignored her and she called again, striking a suggestive pose at the same time, but they barely glanced at her.

"Hello? Goddess of Love here? Wanting some manly attention?" she called in frustration.

One of the men looked up. "If you're really the Goddess of Love, why aren't you in here?"

Aphrodite looked at the calendar curiously and gasped as she saw Xena and Gabrielle featured. Throwing the calendar down and stamping her foot, she disappeared in a shower of pink hearts.

* * * * *

Salmoneous happily counted the last of the money he made by selling the calendars. He frowned as he noticed a shadow fall over the small table he was crouched over and glanced up in irritation. A broad smile spread across his face as he realized who it was.

"Aphrodite! What a plea….AWK!" he squeaked as her hand closed around his thick neck.

"I know you were behind this! Why wasn't I asked to pose?" the goddess of love demanded with a pout.

"I … uh… I didn't think you'd be interested! But I can get you in next year's calendar!" the slick conman suggested.

Aphrodite relaxed a bit and thought for a moment before a smile brightened her features. "That's okay! I'll just take care of it now!"

Waving her hands, she squealed happily and left in a shower of dancing pink hearts. Salmoneous sighed in relief and massaged his throat. He sat down again to look at the calendar and gasped. There, on every month, was a picture of Aphrodite! He quickly looked through the other calendars and saw that every calendar was the same. A loud shout of anger sounded outside the window and he knew that if he was to keep any profits, he would have to leave now.

"Thanks, Aphrodite!" he muttered, irritated.

A light airy giggle was all the response he got.

* * * * *

The beautiful goddess of love giggled as she put another calendar up in her temple.

"I love, I love, I love, I love my calendar girl!" she sang happily.

The End

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Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Salmoneus, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2000 by Anne Beaudry and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.