Author Note: Hi! Wow, been a while since I posted anything. Been busy and all that. I actually did this in April and owe Roo for his suggestions! If you like, review!


It was a cool, dark night in New York. The city that never sleeps was restless, its dark heart still pumping life around the alleys that made up its veins, sweet toxins spreading poisons throughout the system. And into this tableau stepped the only four things that could stop this destruction of its life; like white cells, only green.

Standing on the rooftops, back lit by the moon, stood four figures in line, motionless, the only thing interrupting their stillness the wind that caught their headbands and sent them fluttering wildly in the breeze; blue, red, purple, orange. Rain threatened, the skies darkening as thunder rumbled ominously in the distance, but the cities silent protectors knew the impending downpour was not the only storm that would come upon them that night.

Their leader, Leonardo, stepped forward, his features becoming illuminated by the under light provided by the streetlight. Casual passers-by would have run from the freakish visage, the wide green face, glittering eyes and lipless mouth, the body mis-shapen by a shell on his back.

When he spoke, his voice was low and portentous. "Something has led us to this place, on this of all nights."

"Yeah, two-for-one night at Luigi's pizza," said his brother Michelangelo unhelpfully, unaware in his naivety of the forebodings present in the air. "This was the quickest route."

"It's not pizza," said Leo, folding his arms and examining the city spread out beneath him.

"Well, we've got those coupons for garlic bread too," added Mike.

"It's more than that."

Raphael jerked his head up as from a nearby alley, a scream rang out, shattering the quiet of the evening. It was a cry of sheer terror, filled with desperation and an undertone of helplessness, as if the screamer knew there was no one who could save them.

"That sounds like a scream," said Donatello, pointing dramatically.

The four ninja sprang into action, racing across the rooftops until they reached the alley from which the horrific scream had come, dropping down the fire exit silently, remaining in the shadows, as one with the night, hidden.

The alley was dark and narrow, garbage overflowing from dumpsters and spilling from split bags that had been discarded. Four large men stood there, menacing hulks with identical evil and yet vacant grins, the drooling expressions of the psychotic.

A fifth figure sat sprawled on the dirty floor, one hand raised in supplication, a silent plea for the men to do her no harm, one that would be ignored. Her features were hidden to the turtles as the men advanced on her in a tightening circle, raising chains and pipes ready to strike. The distinctive mark of the Purple Dragons, the only gang in New York, was visible on their clothes, tattooed onto the flesh of their overly muscular arms.

The attack was halted as the turtles performed their heroic feats, weapons swinging, moonlight reflecting off cold steel, wood smacking against bone. The victim stared, astounded, as within seconds her attackers had been dispatched into groaning, bleeding heaps. But the evenings events had been too much for her, the terror overwhelming her as she lapsed into unconsciousness.

The turtles, having disposed of the thugs, promptly forgot all about them and crowded around the comatose young woman. None of them spoke for long minutes. Seldom had they been so privileged as to lay eyes on such a vision of sheer perfection. Her fragile skin had an unearthly pallor, made worse by her unconscious state, her long, thick hair framing a delicate face with small bones. Although they couldn't see what colour her eyes were, because they were closed, her lashes were dark and thick, sweeping down onto her cheeks. She was small, maybe only as tall as they were, almost emaciated with thin wrists that looked like they would snap with only minimal pressure. She was clad in designer jeans, brand-name trainers and a hoody that advertised whatever band it was that was cool right then, yet the clothes were threadbare and dirty. A nearby rucksack had come unzipped, spilling out more clothes and a pink teddy bear that was obviously some cherished childhood emblem.

"Clearly, this girl is running from a tragic home life," said Donnie sympathetically.

"We cannot let her go back to the horrors she had to endure there!" Raph clenched his fists and punched the nearest wall. "We must take her back to the lair!"

"Oh no," said Leo.

Mikey looked at him with pleading eyes. "But Leo! We have to! Where else will she go?"

"This is New York. There are hundreds of places she could go."

"But Leo..."

"We have a secret lair. Emphasis on secret. It's not a bed and breakfast for every runaway!"

"There's no other logical choice," said Don.

"There's a hundred other logical choices! Taking her with us is the illogical choice!"

"Come on Leo," said Raph, striving not to punch his holier-than-thou brother right in the beak. "It's not like we make a habit of it."

Leo raised an eye ridge and stared.

"You're joking," he said, as if explaining the ways of the world to a very small child. "Who was that girl we brought back to the lair last Thursday?"

"Eb'Nee," said Raph, his voice filling with emotion. "She was the most perfect, sweetest, most understanding person in the world and... the Shredder..." His eyes teared up and he shook his fist at the sky. "She taught me how to love and the Shredder took her away from me! I'll never forgive you Shredder! I shall have my revenge!"

Leo nodded. "And the Thursday before that?"

"Lac'Taysha." Raph began sobbing, his breath coming in harsh gasps. "She was so beautiful, so compassionate, so hot... and Bishop just... mutated her while we slept..."

"Bishop didn't mutate her," said Mikey cheerfully. "She was a drag queen. She was born with the extra parts."

"I'll never forgive you Bishop! I shall have my revenge!"

"Thursday night at the lair might be Raph night," said Leo, giving Mikey a hard look. "Remember last Saturday?"

"You had to bring up last Saturday!" Mikey covered his face, shoulders shaking. "My whole family..."

Don put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Look, any woman who gets knocked up by a mutant turtle and carries a child to full term in twelve hours was always going to be a biological oddity."

"But Myztykk died bringing our child into the world! Why are human women so frail? Why can't they adapt to laying eggs?"

Leo sighed. "You should have learned by now that they don't. How many kids do you have?"

Mikey did a quick calculation. "Twelve, but that's including three sets of twins and one lot of triplets."

"Right, and how many of your girlfriends are still alive after that?"

"That's unfair! The last one nearly got better!"

"One word Mikey, condoms."

"Right, a mutant turtle walks into a store and asks for some condoms. Who'd sell them to me?"

"If you can buy pizza undetected, I think you can manage rubbers. Splinter's getting fed up having to babysit all the time."

"Oh, all those kids have their uses," said Donnie deviously. "Remember when we stuffed Raph's punch bag full of used diapers? It was worth getting my shell kicked in!"

Leo had to admit this was true. It had got their brothers mind off Eb'Nee at least.

"And think of it this way," continued Donnie. "Next time Bishop wants our DNA, we can just give him one of the kids. One less mouth to feed and Bishie can do his weird experiments. Everyone's a winner."

"And speaking of experiments." Leo glared accusingly at Donnie. "These two aren't the only ones with bad taste in women. Who could forget the one chick who actually wanted to get knocked up? She was one of yours."

"That's unfair! She stole my sperm while I was sleeping!"

"Planning to have some mutant-human hybrid child..."

"Dude." Mike's brow wrinkled in confusion. "I never understood that. You can't plan to have a baby. They're just something that happens after a night on the tequila, like hangovers or syphilis."

Leo sighed and decided to ignore this. "And she was one of the nice ones! What about, what's her name, the one who gave us the drugged cookies?"


"Yeah, her. She admitted she wanted to steal our blood! And the other one, Emyryld?"

"To be fair, she only wanted to steal research. No bodily fluids involved."

"Uh-huh, like Sapphyre. I nearly died when she asked for the stool sample. No woman is sampling my stools."

Raphael rejoined the conversation. "Well, it's not just us that bring home bad news. Any time you find a ninja chick being beaten up, you bring her right back to the lair."

Leo scoffed. "That's not the same thing."

"Sure it is. And it's always the work of the Shredder. Every. Single. Time. And you always fall for it!"

"I just have a thing for Japanese girls!"

"I mean, you'd think after the first few times, you'd think, 'Oh, how strange, a kick-ass female ninja being overpowered by wimps, perhaps this is a set up.' But you always bring her home!"

"Well – well, so what? They always come over to our side in the end!"

"True, but only after selling out our location to Shredder! And then we get captured and there's a big fight and your new babe ends up dead. Come on Leo, how many times has that happened?"

"Twenty-three, but that doesn't prove anything!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"

"Does too!"

"Does not!"





"You stink!"

"I peed in your breakfast last Wednesday!"

"Dudes." Mikey held his hands up, indicating for peace. "Can we all agree that when it comes to the fairer sex, we've all made some dumb mistakes?"

Leo and Raph nodded grudgingly, calming down slightly. Leo sighed. "I blame April. If she'd have screamed and freaked out, we'd never have thought bringing home unconscious women was a good idea."

"They put you in jail for that kind of behaviour," agreed Raphael.

"And I'm too pretty to go to jail," added Mikey.

Donatello glanced over at the still-unconscious girl in the alley. "Then it's settled. We don't take her home with us. I'll use my shell-cell to call the police and have them take her someplace safe."

"And then we can go get pizza," said Mikey. "If I'm not gonna have any sex, at least I can be fed."

"Food's better than sex anyway," said Leo.

"You're just not doing it right," replied Raph with a smirk. "Let's get the hell outta here."


The four turtles sat on the edge of the rooftop, munching on pizza slices and watching the scene below them unfold. An ambulance crew had arrived and was in the process of stretchering the unconscious girl into the vehicle.

"She is safe." Leo stood, his masculine pose slightly ruined by the blob of tomato sauce on his chin. "Our work here is done."

The moment the ambulance doors closed, the vehicle started rocking from side to side. The crew fled in terror as the windows blew out, bolts of pure energy blasting from within.

"Looks like she woke up," said Mikey.

"Powers." Leo sighed. "Why do they always have special powers?"

Raph gave him a sideways glance. "You know, if we'd taken her back to the lair like I said, we could have handled her the same way we always do."

"What, shove her through the Battle Nexus portal and let the Daimyo deal?"


"Now we're going to have to get into a fight with her and there'll be major property damage," said Donnie wearily. "And then the Foot will show up and it'll all be ridiculous."

"And she'll end up finding our home anyway," added Mikey.

"Fine! You guys win!" Leonardo unsheathed his katana and prepared to jump into battle. "The next time we find an unconscious woman, we take her back to the lair!"