Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related...characters, names, plots,...though I can always dream. Offensive language, adult situations, and all that stuff from here on. You are warned.


Happy New Year's Eve to all of you good folks in Twilight Fanfic land. I hope your party has more juice than mine does. I've had school work overflowing from my eyeballs for months now, so this is a short...maybe long creative exercise since I've gotten stuck on my other crack fic Sex & the Supernatural. Well, Edward and Bella have a thousand different stories, plots, and faces here in fanficdom, and here's another version. By the way, the Pink Pleasure Palace is not a casino. Even though we begin with a break-up scene, I write crack fic/snark, so there will be no angsty/heartfail/premature death here. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

Rat know way of rat

-Wonky Chinese proverb from a bargain book


My heels clicked noisily as I ran up the stairs to my apartment. I hated being in such a rush all the damned time, but it was the nature of my career. My phone beeped to signal a new text message. I flipped it open to check the message.

Trip over the fucking high heels again? Hurry the fuck up--already 10 minutes late, Vegas is waiting- Move ass!


I rolled my eyes and grinned at his teasing. As if I could move any faster in these fucking ridiculous heels! Edward knew how much I hated wearing heels, but the end result made my ass look fabulous, so I didn't complain out loud-very often. I fumbled clumsily with my key ring in my attempt to open the door. I just needed to grab my suitcase and run back to Edward's car outside. Thankfully, I'd already packed it last night. We had a month long consulting gig in Vegas. I was hoping that Jake would be here so that I could say good-bye, but I never knew when he would pop up. I managed to get the door open and took my shoes off at the door. As I sat my purse down, I heard a low moaning sound coming from the back room. I didn't remember leaving on the TV this morning, so I decided to investigate.

What is that fucking noise? Please tell me Jake is not rubbing his junk to that creepy porn video again. After the first two minutes of Triple Nipples, Poly-Clit, & Other Erotic Wonders, I left to him fly solo. How fucking weird can you get?

I crept down the hall trying not to make any noise. Maybe if I managed to scare the living shit out of him, he'd stop jerking off in my bed alone. The sheer number of his jerk-the-junk adventures made me wonder how his dick hadn't fallen off. On top of this, he constantly got head and all I received in return was mediocre sex.

The door was cracked slightly and the sounds coming from the room were definitely sex-related. I prepared myself to see more of Jake's cheap porno on the TV as I peeked through the door crack, but instead of Jake, I was shocked to see some cheap blonde with her head thrown back against the headboard. She was moaning like a seagull stuck in the microwave. It took a minute before I recognized her as the skanky bitch from downstairs.


Did she break into my apartment to get off in my bed? Fucking sick…maybe she has a weird porn fetish like Jake…

I pushed open the door silently, trying to see the whole picture. As the door swung open, I was able to take in the entire scene.

It took several seconds for my mind to process what I saw. My bitch-whore of a neighbor was sprawled on my bed, clutching the head of my rat bastard boyfriend to her pussy like he was attached with Krazy Glue. It sounded like she had a dying frog lodged in her throat as her warbling went over the legal sound limit.

"Oh fuck! Right there, Jake. You know I like it when you suck harder," she screeched in her high-pitched voice.

I felt hot tears prick at my eyes as my temper flared.

Hell no! Not after he refused to go down on me for four fucking years! Asshole…

I grabbed the first thing my hand could find – something really heavy—and threw it straight at Jake's head. My aim was off, but I felt really fucking satisfied as it made contact with the wall and shattered everywhere. Gloppy orange blobs and red goo exploded all over them as were jerked out of their little sex adventure.

Ha, that fucking teenage lava lamp he couldn't part with!

"You fucking cheating bastard! How could you? I wasted four good years of my life on you!" I screamed at him.

Both of them looked dazed, but recovered quickly and scrambled to find clothes to cover themselves up. My temper kept growing. Something to throw-anything just to hurt him! That was all I cared about right now. I picked up two of the pillows that had fallen off the bed. I went for alternating blows between the two of them with every ounce of strength I had. One of the pillows busted and feathers started flying everywhere.

"Gees, Bella! Give me a chance to explain, or at least let us get dressed. Ouch! Damn that hurts!" Jake yelped as he scrambled to get off the bed and away from my rage.

I didn't listen. I just kept whacking the shit out of them until my vision was obscured by a haze of feather down. I had tears streaming down my face, still screaming at the pair when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me to restrain me.

"Bella? What happened? Are you hurt?" A smooth voice spoke into my ear. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. Edward would make this better. He always made things right.

I just pointed at the bed and blubbered, "Him…asshole..licking stupid bitch's pussy…bastard! Get them out!"

I probably sounded like I had Tourette's, but I was in such a rage that I couldn't get out a solid string of words. I heard Edward growl as he looked at Jake.

"Listen dog, you need to get the hell out before I rip your nuts off! How could you do this to her?"

Jake and Tanya were still trying to find clothes, but they couldn't move without slipping all over the floor. Between the oily goop and the feathers, they looked like they had just escaped an episode of Fear Factor in a chicken-plucking plant.

They had finally given up on trying to dress and were making haste to get out of the bedroom. In a last fit of pique, I snatched one of Tanya's hooker heels from the floor and threw it as hard as I could at Jake; it hit him square on the forehead and he lurched, smacking his head into the doorframe.

"Ow! Goddamnit, that hurt!" he yelped, finally getting his ass out of the room. The front door clicked shut behind them several seconds later.

I turned around as Edward hugged me closer to him, trying to calm me. The tears were still rolling down my cheeks, but it was mostly from the humiliation. It was going to be a long, long flight. I was going to be flying the drunken skies tonight.


I knew the booze had taken effect when Bella began singing the first round of "99 Bottles of Lube on the Wall," but I didn't expect her to get completely shit-faced.

"Why? I just don't fucking understand, Edward. There's nothing wrong with my pussy. It's fucking-hiccup-gorgeous!" Bella said before taking another long swig from the flask I had stuck in her purse earlier. "This," she said with a sweeping gesture across her lap, "is a goddamned gold medal pussy. Grade A, Five-Star... " She didn't handle hard liquor very well, but walking in on that fucking moron with his face nose-deep in skank twat was definitely cause for getting drunk. While I couldn't believe my luck that the idiot had finally gotten caught, I hated that it had to cause her so much pain.

"I mean, no one's going to pen a sinful sonnet about my lickalicious hoo-ha, but it deserves oral attention too. Fucking-hiccup-Jake! …Always wanting a dick-lick. I don't even remember the last time I had an orgasm that wasn't backed by AA batteries. Maybe I should just give up on guys. They just don't get it. Oral reciprocation—that's all I want. I'm suffering from first degree-hiccup-pussy neglect!" She leaned back into me, resting her head against my chest. All the booze-induced bravado was starting to fade.

I wrapped my arms around her, trying to calm her down, brushing her hair away from her face. The louder she talked, the more she hiccupped.

"Shh, Bella. Calm down. I promise it's going to be okay. I'll do whatever it takes to get you back to normal again. Even if I have to take you bar-hopping for a giant she-male muff-diver named Gertrude, you can count on me. We might have to tone down the dirty talk until we get off the plane. The flight attendant is giving you a look, and I don't think it's due to interest in your new sexual liberation. I'm not sure if we can be kicked off the plane at 30,000 feet, but she looks like she's considering it. Just keep in mind that first class doesn't include complementary parachutes."

She let out a drunken giggle and sighed again. I gave her a small squeeze and settled back against the head rest. Maybe she would sleep the rest of the flight. If she was still this intoxicated once we landed, she might try to belly surf on the luggage carousel.

"Mm, so sleepy. Thanks, Edward. Always such a great friend to meee…" She slurred as she burrowed further into my arms and slipped off to sleep.

Such a great fucking friend, if she only knew.

I'd been head over heels in love with Bella since we'd met in college. Well, lust-over-heels, initially. She'd been assigned as a partner for a project in a business class. My first impression had gone straight to my dick; she was so beautiful, but she had been so shy and stammered her way through our first meeting. We became great friends over the course of our class, and I found myself taking more of the same classes just to be around her. She'd gone into accounting, and I'd followed her, like a love-sick puppy. After graduation, we'd both gotten offers from Volturi Tax Consulting. She accepted the job, and of course, I followed right along.

I'd never asked her out, too much of a fucking pussy to risk our friendship. Bella never acted like she wanted anything more. She'd flirt when she started drinking, but she never showed interest in taking our friendship past that. After so many years around outspoken friends like Rose and Alice, she'd found her voice. Fuck me, what a dirty mouth she had when she let loose, like tonight.

That fucking douchebag Jake.

"Attention all passengers. We will be arriving in Las Vegas in thirty minutes. Local time is now 9:30 pm and the weather is cool and clear," a bored voice announced over the speaker system. This was going to be one hell of a trip

Alright, the stage is set. Thanks to lavishone for the call back reminder and encouragement. Sometimes, if you poke a dead thing with a stick, it will wake up...