Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight-related...characters, names, plots,...though I can always dream. Offensive language, adult situations, and all that stuff from here on. You are warned. If haven't made fun of one stereotype or offended someone yet, it's probably on the way. Also, I borrowed the Jade Flower name from Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries. That belongs to Charlaine Harris. I certainly don't think she'd want to claim this Jade Flower.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly

-Wonky Chinese proverb from a bargain book

Chapter 3

-E-

Fucking shit. She was really serious about going through with this. I gulped down one more shot for courage. We had been sitting in the bar of a hotel at the far end of the strip, passing the time until Jade Flower-whatthefuckever- started her exhibition. After messaging Bella, I'd had scandalous images playing on repeat in my head. Bella with her legs splayed open wide and head thrown back, another faceless woman lapping at her gorgeous pussy. I hadn't been able to get out of my seat the entire afternoon because my dick had been stiffer than a flag pole, thanks to my vivid imagination.

"Are you ready?" Bella asked.

I nodded and got up to pay the bar tender. I had lost count after the third round, but as Bella swallowed her last shot, I wondered if she was trying to steady her nerves. I couldn't help but be fascinated by the way her throat moved as she swallowed. Jake was a fucking tool for screwing around on her. I wouldn't make the same mistake. She swayed slightly as we walked toward the designated area. I placed my hand on her lower back to steady her.

"9A. 10A. This is it." Bella counted as we walked down the hallway. She let out a nervous laugh and grabbed my hand. She pulled me into the little room behind her and shut the door. I looked around and felt surprised. I had imagined some type of class room setting, with maybe a video or power point demonstration. There was a giant flat screen on one wall of the small room and a long couch stretched across the opposite wall. A long handle ran parallel above the couch. Pussy pleasure bar?

Bella pulled down the materials from a bin on the wall and started to skim through them quickly. She squinted as she read more, pausing here and there with a surprised expression. She reached down on the side of the couch and pulled out a box.

"The booklet says that this is a practice model for people without partners," she explained as she opened the box and pulled out what looked like the lower half of a woman's torso that ranged from a belly button to upper thigh. I saw the blush creeping up her face as she examined it closely to see it included full female genitalia too. Always curious, she started poking around, her eyes widening when she realized that the interior portion was anatomically correct as well. I just rolled my eyes and tugged on my collar with two fingers. It was starting to get a bit warm in here, and I was desperately fighting the urge to start stroking myself.

"Oh wow, it has a built-in G spot too! Want to feel?" She asked excitedly, looking at me.

"Mm, no thanks, love. I'm here for moral support, remember?" I said pointedly.

Just kill me now, please.

She gave an experimental lick to the hip area and her eyes widened. "It's…strawberry-flavored?" she said in a questioning tone.

Boing! A loud noise broke over the speaker; it sounded like someone had struck a giant metal gong.

A refined, but slightly effeminate male voice followed the gong. "Please be seated and prepare for Madame Jade Flower's class to begin."

We sat back on the sofa and stared at the screen. A very life-like computer animation appeared a second later. It was a petite woman with short black hair that looked Chinese, but I couldn't be sure.

"I am Madame Jade Flower, Mistress of the Pink Pleasure Palace. Tonight, I teach you secret of pleasing pink lotus and capture magic of flower bloom. My teacher, Madame Lotus Flower-gone-forever-to-place-of-Eternal-Orgasm, show me secret way of Pussy. I pass lessons along to you," the figure on the screen spoke in a broken English accent.

"First, we begin with pleasure stroke. Pay special attention to outer petals. Make flower unfold with lotus pattern." The woman on the screen held up the display model in front of her to indicate the motions.

After a few more pointers about blooming flowers and some other crazy shit that we couldn't understand, the computerized Jade Flower pointed from the screen to us and barked, "You! Practice. Now!"

Bella had been staring at the screen intently. She looked at me and shrugged. "What the hell, right?"

She picked up her model and started to stroke the inner thigh, looking slightly perplexed. She was trying to trace the complicated pattern shown by Jade Flower, but she seemed to be having trouble.

I tugged on my tie to loosen it, trying to get some more breathing room. The voice in my head was chanting, "Friends, friends, friends."

"Does it look like I'm doing this right, Edward? Do they have cheat sheets for this? It looks like a pentagram pattern, not a lotus! Shit. I'll never get this right." She threw down the strange half-torso thing and grabbed her flask from the floor, which somehow miraculously kept refilling itself like a fish and loaves miracle from the Bible.

After a healthy swig, she capped it and set it back down.

"Bella, sweetheart, calm down. You need to relax a bit. Take off your jacket and your heels for starters. Hell, you're probably supposed to be reasonably comfortable for pussy pleasure lessons, right?" I asked with a hint of humor, though being sarcastic was the last thing I had in mind. I was already in the process of shedding my tie and jacket. I was about to hit a temperature of a hundred and horny if she had kept stroking that creepy plastic thing.

She was pacing nervously, and I knew that she was embarrassed as hell about having dragged both of us into this. I grabbed her arm as she walked past, pulling her around to look at me.

"Bella, do you really want to do this? You don't have to, you know. If you're uncomfortable…" I trailed off, losing my words when I saw how flushed her face was. The blush that usually followed her embarrassment had spread down her neck, and further…Fuck-fuck-fuck…friends-friends-friends.

"Actually, Edward, I wish....fuck, I don't know why I'm doing this, well,…" she looked at me with a determined face, "I just want to be on the receiving end for once. I want someone's face glued to my pussy, tongue-fucking the hell out of me! What's so wrong with me? What did the blonde cunt have that I didn't?" Her face fell a little, and she moved to sit down back on the couch.

Dirty fucking mouth…permanent blood loss from brain to dick-just stick that in the "cause of death" box on my death certificate.

That little speech flipped the lid on my bottled-up self control, and I grabbed her before she sat down. I cupped her chin and tilted her head up so that I could see her eyes.

"What if I did that, Bella? Can I give you what you're missing? It'd be only for your pleasure, I promise." I said, hoping she could see how much I wanted this.

She was staring at me with wide eyes, looking slightly shocked. "You'd do that? But, I thought...you never saw me that way, all these years…"

"You were always with that asshole…let me show you what I've wanted to do to you since the first time I saw you."


….since the first time I saw you."

I was still staring at him, shell-shocked at the turn of events, when he reached down and kissed me. Once I felt his lips make contact with mine, my inner-calm flipped its shit and I grabbed onto him with no hesitation, sinking my fingers into his crazy sex hair. His tongue, the way he nibbled on my lower lip--fuck me now…or better yet, lick me now! My skin was heating up like a fucking oven and all I could think about was getting out of my fucking clothes.

What better way to make up for lost time?

Apparently he had the same idea, because he had already started unbuttoning my top. I started tugging at his buttons, trying to get his shirt off, but he stopped me.

"This is about you, love. I want to worship at the altar of Bella's gold-medal pussy first. Everything else can wait." He said with that ridiculous smirk.

"Well, if you insist, don't let me stop you…" I trailed off and gestured for him to continue.

A/N: Horrible thing that I am, it'll have to stop there for now. Worry not as there is some real stuff coming up next chapter. My thanks, as ever, to all the people reading. Thank you for the positive reviews! I sent everyone a teaser that reviewed (I wasn't able to send one to you EdwardMayI—but thank you so much likewise). Lavishone, thanks for being a great ear for all my woes and for giving some great ideas! See you all next Thursday.