At last, my Majora's Mask parody has started! For those of you who don't know the Group of Weirdos format, the beaten bosses will join up with Link. That's about it. Look out for the previous installment's characters...
This is going to be really fun. I could just go on and on about why Majora's Mask is my favourite game ever, but I won't because even though my opinions are unbelievably entertaining and correct, that isn't what you're here for. And if it is, yay! Now I hope you enjoy this New Year's special!
And if you haven't read the first (GoW: Ocarina of Time), do so. It's done and good.
Published January 1, 2010
A New Adventure
"What a nice forest." Link looked at his surroundings from Epona's back, bathing in the beauty of the huge, dying trees. Despite their near dead appearance the trees were all massive, bigger than most trees in the Korkiri Forest.
"I beg to differ, this place is awful," Morpha argued from near Epona's rear. "And did you have to tie me so close to your horse's ass?"
"Yes, I like leg room."
His companion grumbled, really hoping that Epona wouldn't fart anytime soon. Both went quiet as they travelled through the forest. There weren't any animals there, most likely due to the lack of food. "You know," Morpha began, starting a conversation again, "if you didn't want to be famous anymore you could have just claimed I did it…"
"I like my escape better."
"You mean that scarecrow in your house that faintly looks like you?"
"Hero of Time, how should I deal with the Wolfos living in my chicken coop?" a random farmer asked the scarecrow.
Its eye fell off.
"Um… buy a sword and stab it," Zelda quickly said.
"Another point of this trip is to find Navi and get that pizza," Link added. "I think she may have gotten lost in this forest, which is Hyrule's only exit that isn't the ocean or a desert."
"Both of which we've already checked…" Morpha shuddered from the memory. "Remind Zelda to go to war with that Frulvakia country to the west."
"Okay, I didn't like their food anyway. Every time I had some I passed out and didn't have any socks when I woke up. It must have been really spicy."
"I'm going to sleep."
Far ahead of Link, Morpha, and Epona were two fairies, one white and one a dark blue. The white fairy saw them coming and quickly hid herself and the other behind a tree. "You know the plan, right?"
"Of course! How could I forget such a wondrous plan that I made? It is the pinnacle of perfection!"
She nodded slowly. "Yes, our 'jump out and make lots of noise' plan is flawless. Good job Tael, good job."
"Why thank you my dear sister, it is a pleasure to see that my-"
"Here's the deal: You stop talking like that and I don't drive my fist into your gut," she interrupted, cracking her knuckles ominously. Tael backed up a bit.
They waited until Epona was very close to them before striking. Tatl and Tael flew out and right into Epona's face before screaming really loudly. Epona bucked, throwing Link off of her back and onto his head. He groaned, sitting up.
"He's not out!" Tael screamed.
"Beat him!" The two small fairies beat the Hero of Time into unconsciousness. "There we go, problem solved."
Morpha, who was about to say something at this point, noticed a dark, spiky mask appear in mid air near the fairies. Behind the mask then came a Skull Kid; it was a very delayed teleportation. The Skull Kid lifted the mask off of his face to get a better view of the situation. "Ha, you two fairies did great! He looks loaded!"
"Not really," Tatl said as she circled Link. "The only valuable things look like that shield and the giant ball on the horse."
"My worth is beyond what your pathetic international system of currency can measure!" Morpha announced, scaring the fairy that had been floating right beside him. "Were I not tied up to prevent falling off the horse I would be destroying you all!"
Tatl flew away from the talking ball. "It's a talking ball! It- Skull Kid what are you doing?"
"Searching him," Skull Kid told her as he patted down Link's body. "Aha!" He pulled out the ocarina of time, fiddling with it for a moment before finding the mouth hole and blowing into it, sending out a noise that could wake the dead.
"My ears! They burn!" Tael groaned. "Let me try it out!"
Tatl smacked him. "You can't, Tael! We can't risk the chance of you dropping and breaking it! No way you're touching it!"
"I won't break it, I swear!" Tael pleaded, wincing as Skull Kid played another high pitch note. Being tone deaf, Tatl didn't really care about it.
"It's bigger than you, of course you'll break it!"
Link groaned, covering his ears and rolling away from Skull Kid. "My ears, they bleed..." Skull Kid blew another note, giggling to himself. Link opened his eyes, sitting up. "Who's making that noise? Hey, is that the ocarina of time?"
Skull Kid jumped, barely catching the ocarina. He turned to face Link, hiding it behind his back. "What ocarina? There's no ocarina, not this time, nope, not at all."
"Really? I could have sworn that you had it a few seconds ago before it disappeared."
"Nope, you saw wrong, yes you did."
"Was that a yes or a no?"
"Oh, that's bad. Could you help me find it?"
"Yes I can. Oh, I think I see it near your horse. I'll get it for you!" He ran at Epona, jumping on top of her. Epona turned her head to stare at him blankly. "Go! Move forwards! YAH! Please move? Come on!"
"This is embarrassing," Tatl told him.
"Why won't you go? Stupid horse..." He kicked her side, resulting in Epona finally taking off at full speed.
"Save me!" Morpha cried. Link, somehow having incredible reflexes, jumped at Epona and grabbed onto Morpha, getting trailed behind the horse while tugging on part of him. "OW-OW-OW-OW-OW! Let go, let go!"
"Yeah, let go!" Skull Kid kicked him in the face and turned Epona around a sharp corner, sending Link flying off and into a large tree stump.
"I changed my mind, save me again!" Morpha yelled as they disappeared into the woods.
Link, despite a fractured spine, stood up and limped after them. He slashed his way through the bushes, fighting whatever came between him and his goal. The ground, dyed in his enemies' blood, left a trail of his deeds as he pursued the thief. The hero heroically burst through the foliage into a clearing.
"What are you doing back here?"
He turned to see Mido staring at him.
Link turned around, following his trail until he reached a stump with his back's imprint. He went the other way this time. Link hopped up a bunch of stumps and entered the cave up there as the horse tracks went inside the darkness. "What was that word Navi used to describe going in caves?" Link asked himself as he weaved his way down the passage. "Sperunking? Spelunking? Karvunking? Sletonking? Spe-" It turned out that the tunnel opened up into a large pit, one that he fell in. There was much high pitch screaming.
His fall was broken by a large flower, one that he landed on feet first. This shattered his legs, resulting in him falling forwards into the water where he struggled to stay up.
"This is sad," Skull Kid said as he watched Link drown in the two inch deep water. He took pity on the Hylian boy and pushed him into a sitting position before going back to his other spot – floating in mid air underneath a spotlight. "What's with that stupid horse of yours? It doesn't listen to a word that's said to it!"
"Where is Epona?" Link asked.
"I really don't know." Skull Kid turned left, and Link followed his gaze to a hole in the wall. "It just kept running, we had to bail. Well, I did you a favour in getting rid of it anyway, it isn't like the horse was useful."
"What about Morpha?"
"You mean that screaming ball thing? It wouldn't shut up about how superior it was, so I got rid of it!"
"B-but Morpha was the only thing for me to talk to!"
"And I care because...? I think I'll have a little fun with you."
Link took out his sword and shield. "Bring it on, I've fought the king of evil and won, so a floating Skull Kid with a mask won't be much of a problem!"
Skull Kid laughed. "You really think you can beat me? Yeah right, what a fool!" He began to shake his mask, dark energy pouring out of it and making its way towards Link. "Taste a little of this!"
Link began to feel light headed, his vision going fuzzy and eventually going completely black. He couldn't see Skull Kid, the fairies, the flower, anything at all. A rattling drew his attention. Link turned to see a Deku Scrub, and then another one, and then another one, and then another six hundred. All of them began to converge on Link. "Ha, I can take all of you!" A massive Scrub began to rise on the horizon. "Running time!" He ran and ran, but no matter how much he did the Scrub only got closer. "Why do my legs work?" was his last thought before everything went dark again.
The sound of Skull Kid's laughter brought Link back to the land of consciousness. It was also a land that had shiny things, another compelling force that helped Link awaken. He stood, wobbling but not due to his legs being injured. His head was really big, and his body was really small. Skull Kid laughed even harder, flailing his legs around in the air. "Hee, hee! Now that's a really good look for you! Have fun staying here like that forever!"
Link looked at his reflection as Skull Kid moved toward the door, seeing a green wearing Deku Scrub looking back at him! "NOOO! My golden locks! My fleshy skin!" He looked in his skirt. "My penis! Don't you dare leave on me!" He ran at Skull Kid but suddenly Tatl came at him, beating on Link again.
"This is two out of two that I've won!" Tatl exclaimed as she hit Link again. "It's a good day!"
"Sis!" She turned to see the door slam down, cutting her off from the other two.
"HEY! HEY! SKULL KID, wait for me! I'M STILL HERE!" She banged on the door. "Don't you dare leave on me!" Tatl sighed, realizing that she couldn't open it.
"When you hurt me, bad things happen," Link chided through his tube mouth. "Now you don't get to see your brother again. So what have we learned today?"
"YOU! If I wasn't dealing with you, I wouldn't have gotten separated from my brother!"
"T-that's not what I was getting a-" She began to hurt him again.
"Now do something to get me out of here!" Tatl ordered as she stopping attacking the bruised and chipped Link, leaving his body twitching on the ground. He stared at her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You hurt me then ask for a favour?"
"No, I hurt you then demand that you do something or I'll hurt you again!"
"Has anyone ever told you that you're insane?"
"Many times, now open the door before I crack something!"
Link stood up, wobbling over to the door and falling several times as he tried to adjust to being a Deku Scrub. He reached the door, pushing on it as hard as he could.
"It's a vertically opening door, that won't help."
"Fine, fine." Link took out his sword, and even though it was too big to use efficiently in combat he could still stick it under the door and lift it up like a lever. This worked, and they squeezed through before it fell back down. "Now you owe me."
"I don't owe you shit."
"Well of course you don't, that isn't something I'd want."
"Did your companion stay on the fleeing horse by his own will by any chance?"
Link waddled down the tunnel. "So anything about being a Deku that I should know?"
"If you spin fast enough you can cut things," Tatl told him. "Also, you can burrow into giant flowers, grab their pedals and jump in the air, hovering with them."
"How does that work?"
"I don't know, you're the Deku. Figure it out with that flower over there." They approached a flower that was on the edge of the ledge, the tunnel continuing on the other side of the chasm before them.
"I've figured out harder stuff than this!"
"HELP!" Link was stuck in the chasm, lying on his back. "I can't stand up!"
"That was smart what you did," Link complemented as they entered the next room. "It looked painful though."
"It was. Now let's never speak of it again."
The room was a huge, bottomless pit with a few platforms sticking up. Each had Deku Flowers on them. "Um... is there anything pleasant at the bottom of that pit?"
Tatl flew down there and came back up several minutes later. "There's a huge crocodile that, when asked, said he would love to eat you if you fell. Have fun!"
Link gulped nervously as he burrowed into the flower and burst out, now hovering in the air. He moved forward and got over the first platform just before the flowers gave out. "YES!"
"Now do it three more times."