With this, Group of Weirdos: Majora's Mask is at last over. I knew it was going to be longer than the first but wow, much longer. For those curious the story is saved in three MS Word documents, the first being 122 pages, the second 94 and the third 170. The third started in early Ikana. Half the story right there.
Upon looking back, there have most definitely been improvements... serious improvements... astronomical improvements... I'll stop now.
If you're reading this, thanks for reading it, whether you like it or not! Tell me what you thought, good, bad or both, and don't be afraid to do so. I won't track your IP address and send death drones to your house or anything like that. Nope. Really though, I'd just like to thank every one of you guys. To the regulars, you know who you are and you get a :D To the irregulars, hi! I won't go into how I'm happy and sad to see this one end, being a parody of my favourite game ever and all that, just know that I'm going to be doing Twilight Princess sometime soon. Things will be... different to say the least.
Enough of my blabbering though, this isn't what you're here for. You're here to see Link in pain and Gohma bitchslapping innocents. So go ahead.
Chapter 1 published January 1, 2010
Chapter 47 published August 1, 2011
Total days: 579, output efficiency increased. Woot.
Blatant Sequel Bait
"I stand by saying that this is a nice forest."
The huge, dying trees towered over Link, Navi, Epona and Morpha, casting long shadows down on them. "Your sense of beauty is worse than Uglo Buglo's depth perception," Morpha muttered.
"You're welcome you big idiot."
Both of them were in high spirits. The Carnival of Time had been one of the most fun days of their lives. Morpha had even got to participate when Link was playing a game where he was to throw bombs into baskets; he had mistakenly grabbed Morpha and broken the basket, winning extra points for ingenuity.
Sadly, it eventually came to an end, and Link turned in his room key at the inn to venture off. Climbing back up a vertical cliff had been annoying, especially carrying a horse, but they had done it and were on route to Hyrule.
"I still think there was some sort of path just to the left," Morpha grumbled when Link brought up it.
The hero laughed. "Silly Morpha, a hero must always take the most difficult and rewarding way!"
What none of them knew about was the yellow eye staring at them from the rear. It moved in closer, a decaying hand slowly reaching out. Its shadow went unnoticed among the many that already covered them. It tapped Link on the shoulder. "I feel like I should tell you that this was about to shoot your head off." Bongo Bongo held up his other hand, revealing a hogtied and unconscious Ganondorf. "You're welcome."
"Thank you!" Link put him on the back of his horse. "I'll take good care of him."
"I'm also sending you an escort." Goht walked out from behind one of the large trees, nodding at him. "You know, in case you're stupid enough to free Ganny-poo."
Even out cold, Ganondorf still cursed his existence.
Odolwa placed the gossip stone upright in the grass. "Well Mr. Gossip, it's been fun. But now you get your last request." He put a bomb next to it, lighting the fuse and quickly backing off. His leg still hurt from the last detonation it had been near. "I had a good time, talking to you. I really did. But I was honestly getting tired of the rock puns after the sixtieth."
The bomb exploded, engulfing Mr. Gossip. As Odolwa prepared to salute his comrade the smoke cleared, revealing that it was perfectly fine. "I guess I need a stronger-"
The stone began to shake. Without warning a fire burst out from under it and it shot into the sky like a rocket, quickly becoming nothing more than a speck.
"What in the fuck?"
"WHAT IS THIS?" Gohma backhanded the closest Deku Scrub across the room, glaring down at the rest of them. "What the hell are you all going on about?"
"We're forming a union," another repeated. "We feel that Your Excellence doesn't have our best interests in mind."
"THE DEKU GOD DOES NOT LOVE US!" the Deku King cried, weeping loudly in a corner.
"Shut up, you're giving me a headache."
The Deku King suddenly jumped in joy. "THE DEKU GOD SPOKE TO ME DIRECTLY!" He then returned to crying.
Gohma began rubbing her temples, growling. "I think this gig's run its course. I'm going to go find a sentient tree in Hyrule to live inside."
Just down the river, Koume and Kotake watched their shop burning to the ground. "This is your fault, Koume."
Koume sighed. "I know, Kotake. I know."
"I wonder how the Gerudo are doing without us, Koume."
"We're technically still there, Kotake."
"We should go back, kill those versions of us and take over again, Koume."
"We should, Kotake."
They stood in silence for a moment.
"We should get out of here before the blue potions explode, Kotake."
"We should, Koume."
-Up in the north-
"I'm surprised at you," King Dodongo said as he and Volvagia travelled to his tavern. "I never thought in a million years that you of all people would ever want to get a drink at my place."
Volvagia chuckled ominously, flicking his tongue across his lips. "Things change," he hissed.
They soon arrived at the entrance. King Dodongo poked at the bulging door, scratching his head. "That's weird. I guess the wood is warped." He opened it.
A flood of water burst forth, slamming into the Dodongo King's face. He was blasted back, rolling down a nearby hill as everything that used to be in the bar floated along with him. Eventually the torrent stopped, revealing a soaked and ruined cave. King Dodongo staggered over to the hole, staring in horror. "My bar!"
"How tragic." Sharp appeared beside Volvagia. The dragon gave him a wallet full of rupees and he saluted, disappearing again.
King Dodongo fell to his four knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
"And now, the tragedy turns into a comedy. I wish I brought Gyorg along."
"...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
Speaking of Gyorg, the small fish flopped through Termina Field with nothing to do. He had no purpose in life. Everything he had lived for died along with Majora, leaving only an empty void in its place.
He turned around, gasping. Majora's Mask floated in front of him, waving in the light wind. "Master?"
"I have returned," the mask said. "That foolish traitor who 'bought' me has been dealt with, but I need your assistance to return to my former glory."
Gyorg nodded erratically. "Anything you need, I can do it!"
"Good. Lick me."
"I SAID LICK ME."
Gyorg flopped over to him, hesitating slightly. He steeled himself and stuck his tongue out, licking the mask.
"HA!" The mask was pulled away, reeled in using fishing line by Odolwa. "Gotcha! You should have seen your face, thinking the only thing you ever liked was still alive. And I made you lick it. Nope, all dead and inanimate!" He put the mask on, doing a goofy dance. "Look at me, I'm Majora, I try to crush things with the moon and harbour a man-crush on Gyorg- OW OW OW!" He began screaming in pain, pulling on the mask. "IT'S EATING MY FACE, OW OW OW OW OW!"
With a strong yank he pulled Majora's Mask off, the inside of it covered in his blood. "That was weird. Oh well." He put it back in his pouch.
Suddenly, Gyorg had a new purpose in life. It involved Odolwa and pain.
"I'm home!" Igos floated into his throne room, greeting his two underlings.
"Welcome back, My Lord A!" Cranius declared joyously.
Igos paused for a moment. "A?"
Stoneson filled him in. "Since there are two of you now, you're king A and the other is king one. It makes perfect sense!"
"...I think I'm going to leave the ruling of this dead kingdom to king one as you call him. Say hi for me. Goodbye."
"Bye king A!"
"See ya king A!"
"I am so glad that I'm leaving..."
-Later that night, Milk Bar-
As the bartender was too terrified to tell his new patrons to leave due to their lack of membership, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Bongo Bongo and Twinmold sat at six tables pushed together, lightly sipping some milk.
"This city bores BARINADE!" He pulled out the Megaton Hammer and smashed his empty glass, gesturing for another. "I have run out of things to do!"
"At least you can do things!" the red Twinmold groaned. He lay on the rim of his mug, half in, half out. "I... I used to be big and have mandibles. But now I'm small and have these stupid hands." He looked at his hands. "Why do I have hands? What do they do? WHY?" His brother gave him a pat him on the back. "DON'T TOUCH ME WITH THOSE HANDS! Those FILTHY HANDS! WHY DO THEY EXIST? WHAT DO THEY DO?"
Bongo Bongo flipped his glass, trapping the fairy inside of it. "As great as it is to be somewhere new, my business partner is having a mental breakdown and I want to go back to my drum. I'm going back to Hyrule tomorrow morning. Whoever wants to come is free to."
Everyone went silent for a moment, faintly hearing, "...oooooooooo..." in the distance.
Being the only one who was both large enough to properly use a mug and have a mouth capable of ingesting the beverage, Phantom just nodded along while drinking his milk. "I'm also curious if they brought Ganondorf back without any real problems."
"I trust Goht with kicking him in the teeth every time he wakes up," Bongo Bongo said. He looked down at his untouched glass of milk, wondering why he even had it to begin with. He slid it over to Phantom and continued. "All in favour of trekking back to Hyrule?"
The red fairy forced the glass off, shoving it onto the floor. "What are we agreeing to?"
"Going to Hyrule," his brother said.
"I'm not sure, but it's probably better than here."
The group spent the night in the Stock Pot Inn. Don't ask how. Midway through, Bongo Bongo had to go to the bathroom for a midnight... what does he do? Regardless, he stumbled upon an interesting sight.
A very thin arm was sticking out of the toilet, grasping at the air. "P-paper please!" a voice from down the hole said.
Being in a good mood, Bongo Bongo grabbed the roll of toilet paper just out of reach and gave it to the hand. "Thank you!" It retreated into the hole, handing back what was left after a minute. "Sir, may I shake your hand?"
So they shook hands.
"You hand is big," the toilet man said.
"And I'm afraid I'm going to break yours in half."
All was well.
-Hyrule, an indeterminate amount of time later-
Princess Zelda was not nearly as concerned as she felt she should have been when a giant metal bull dropped a tied up Ganondorf at her feet. "Thank... you?"
The situation explained itself when Link can around from the bull's rear, holding Morpha under one of his arms. "You're welcome. The world is saved once again!"
"Oh... Link... Hello... So great to see you..."
"I think it's great to see me as well. Have I missed anything big?"
"We had a horrible and bloody war with the Frulvakia country to the west that ended with us wiping it from the face of the earth. Many lives were lost."
Link and Morpha began cheering. Link attempted to high five Morpha but this only resulted in him palm thrusting the orb into some bushes.
Zelda chose to ignore this. She summoned several servants and military figures to take Ganondorf away, dragging him indignantly. The whole time he said nothing, only glaring as he disappeared from sight. "I think that's the last we'll ever see of him." She quickly ran her index finger across her neck, cackling.
"I desperately hope so," Navi sighed. "He's too troubling."
"I wish you'd reconsider," Link said. "He's my friend after all."
Zelda began choking on her own words immediately. "HE'S... HOW THE HELL... HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU! HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND YOU MARKER SNIFFING ASS WHISTLE! HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD DID YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION?"
"Just ask him. He'll explain everything."
"Not after we cut out his vocal chords he won't..."
Link, having an indecipherable thought run through his mind, decided that it was time to check on his potted fern. He climbed onto Goht's back and asked someone to throw Morpha up to him. After a few minutes of searching they determined that Morpha was no longer there. "Where'd he go?"
"Morpha Balleball, you are charged with attempting to usurp the title God of the Seas from me, Poseidon, and infringing on the copyrights of hell. Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"First of all, I don't have a last name so DON'T CALL ME THAT IT WAS STUPID!"
"Duly noted. Sir Richard Hell IV, current owner of the rights to 'hell', do you have any comments to add?"
"Pish posh, this imbecile has tarnished my family name."
"Also noted. Morpha Watewat, do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"Yes, I do! First of all, people say hell all the time and no one's sued over it. What the hell's the big deal with it this time?"
"People kill other people all the time as well. Are you saying that just because we don't catch everyone, we should not punish those we do catch?"
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING!"
Poseidon paused for a moment, obviously having not expected such a stupid answer. "I don't even have anything to say to that. Morpha, you are hereby declared guilty of all charges!"
"I DIDN'T EVEN GET A LAWYER!"
"I'm a god, I don't care. Your punishment shall be... polymorph!" Poseidon pointed his trident at Morpha, shooting him with a bolt of lightning. In a flash Morpha was no longer a rough, blue ball but a sleek looking eye with improved movement capabilities. "You will stay in this form for one thousand years! You will no longer be able to control water, though you may generate a permanent protective form of your choosing."
Morpha looked around, an unfamiliar ability. "So I'll live at least a thousand years?"
"Yes. Maybe even more, I didn't make it very specific."
"...And I can actually take a form now?"
"Yes, one that will suit your needs. But no controlling water!"
"Oh. How terrible. You monster. This is the worst punishment ever. Whatever will I do now? I hate you. Well, I'm off to be awesome, ta-ta!"
Link tossed the scarecrow out the window. "From now on, my house is mine!"
Navi looked between Link and the horrible mockery. "Why did that scarecrow look like you?"
"It's a long story. I made it so people wouldn't think I left looking for you. By the way, where'd you put the pizza?"
"That wasn't a long story at all!"
"Indeed it was not!" Kaepora clucked from a tree branch just outside the window.
Link promptly screamed. "HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE!"
The owl laughed, turning his head upside down for no reason. "Child, I've known where you live for a long time."
"Did you follow us all the way here from Termina?" Navi asked, glaring at him. Kae Gae laughed again.
"No, I got here long before you did, but not without leaving a surprise for an old friend."
-Bank of Clock Town-
"WHO REPLACED ALL OF MY DELICIOUS RUPEES WITH THESE SMELLY, ROTTEN OWL PELLETS? OH THE HUMANITY!"
Kaepora laughed again. "If only I could see his face... Anyway, I'm here to congratulate you, Link! You successfully survived- er, got through two adventures, saving the world on both occasions. I watched you grow from a short, stupid little boy who would walk off twenty foot drops for quite literally no reason into a less short, less stupid little boy with surprising combat aptness and... well, you don't walk off ledges anymore as far as I can tell. Or through fire. Really, what were you thinking?"
"It's not even solid!" Link groaned, sighing in exasperation. "Just jump through it!"
"Or you could put it out so you don't get burned. We're getting off topic, let me finish. The growth you've shown has been astronomical. I'd say you've gotten a thousand times better! Granted, one thousand times zero is still zero, but let's say you were zero-point-one when we started for my speech's sake. If you manage to make it through the next few years of life without provoking Bongo Bongo into killing you, I'm sure you'll grow up into a fine, contributing member of society one day."
"I'll do great," Link said, striking a pose. "After all, what's the worst that could happen? Sure, the candy party Zelda told me Ganondorf was going on which I'm pretty sure means they're going to gore him may crash and burn and he may get, uh, sealed up away again, angrier and much much more powerful than ever only to... trick an eccentric idiot into freeing him in a dozen- wait, no, hundred or something around there years letting him loose on a world without me, Hero of Time, to stop him, forcing some other, reluctant and really wimpy fake hero to go out on a journey that will be no doubt incredibly painful and full of suffering, but it will be okay... because, uh, he'll get a lot of help and will be able to send Ganondorf back to the 'candy party' Zelda wanted him to go on and then everyone will live happily ever after except Bongo Bongo because he's ugly." He looked at Kae Gae expectantly.
"You can't beat the master. I heard every word you just say."
"...Well screw you." Link grabbed at the edges of his window, trying to shut the nonexistent sliders. He eventually succeeded in tearing the sides of the wall, pulling the wood together but leaving two more holes around it. He settled with shooting at Kaepora with an arrow.
"SON OF A BITCH! Fine, I'm leaving!" The owl took off, crapping on Link's front porch before disappearing over the trees.
Link cheered, holding an open hand for Navi to high five. She did so.
"This calls for a celebration!" Link declared, walking over to the exit ladder.
"Uh, Link, watch out for-"
"CRAP!" He slipped on Kaepora's droppings and fell to the forest floor below. This hurt.
"Yes, the crap."
-In a canyon somewhere-
The invisible soldier sat on the cold ground, hurt and out of sight. "I feel forgotten..."