Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting:Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

Chapter 1: The thoughts

The first time he seriously thought about it was when he was 16 years old. The weight of the life was wearing a toll on him, his fighting with his father escalated every day. No matter what he did, how hard he tried he was never able to come out as "the good son". Not like Dean; their father near worship the ground his eldest walked on; in his eyes Dean could do no wrong, while Sam got everything wrong. If there was a guide to walking, Sam was sure he got that wrong. But he didn't do it instead he put all his concentration on getting out. He was getting out. And those blessed scholarships were getting him out.

So when he was 17 close to 18 years old, he ripped his father a new one, one final time, before leaving and never looking back.

He didn't think about it again…….not until four years later.

The second time he seriously thought about it, he was 22 years old. His old life he was sure behind him came knocking him flat on his face. His girlfriend, his beautiful girlfriend was dead. Why? Because of the demon that had haunted his family since he was six months old. And he couldn't stop it. Couldn't do a thing. He was close to accepting that it wasn't his fault about his mother's death but this brought it back. Jessica died over his bed, the way his mother did 22 years ago. He blamed himself for both.

He couldn't do anything right.

But his older brother's presence eased the guilt to a slightly tolerable level, so Sam didn't need to that time. But it was on his mind, constantly. But he had the strength to push it away.

The third time he seriously thought about it was after the accident. The one where he had be driving. The accident that near took his brother away and in the end did take their father away. Gave him back his brother but took his father. What kind of trade was that? And to make matters worse, he argued again with his old man just before his death. Sam knew something was wrong but still he ignored it in favor of arguing over something so pointless. He knew his brother must hate him at that point; he hated himself so how could his brother not. His brother clammed down after their father's death. Sam tried to get him to talk about it. But all it got him was a reminder of what he knew.

These are your issues, quit dumping them on me!!

Yes, these were his issues, and he shouldn't be trying to dump them on his older brother. He wasn't trying to do it. He just was trying to figure out a way not to drown. That was all.

The fourth time he seriously thought about it was when his older brother finally leveled with him on why he was acting so for the last couple of months. His brother finally told him what his father whispered his last night. He had asked his brother if their father said anything long ago and he flat out lied. And now his father's final words haunted his sleep.

He said I had to save you. That nothing else matters. And if I couldn't save you, I'd have to kill you. He said I might have to kill you, Sammy.

That was proof that his father hated him. Sam long accepted the fact that if he and Dean had been reversed at the hospital, his father never would have saved him. And this further proved that. How could a father tell another son to kill his other son no matter the circumstances?

He was drowning.

The fifth time he seriously thought about it was when he was possessed by Meg and shot and tried to kill his brother. For the second time.

The sixth time…….

There was no sixth time; he couldn't deal with it anymore.