Nikola Tesla's hair was frizzy with rage. His eyes were narrow and dark, and his fingernails were growing into sharp spikes. He stared down at the book in his hands, the red apple in the two pale hands livid against the black cover.

"How- dare-" he choked.

Helen Magnus came into the room, an extremely irritated look on her face. "Tesla! What are you doing? You're supposed to be-"

"Have you read this?" Tesla shouted, showing her the book.

"Twilight?" Helen said, reading the cover's title. "No. Why?"

"THEY SPARKLE!" Tesla shouted, bits of spit foaming out of his mouth, which was quickly becoming sharp-toothed. "THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE!"

And with a howl of fury, he swept from the room. "I'm gonna kill her!"

Helen was confused for a moment, but the meaning of Tesla's words became all too clear. "Crap!" she exclaimed, reverting, to her own disgust, to the undignified colloquial language of brain-dead teens.

* * *

"So Tesla's going after this Stephanie Meyer?" Will said, flipping to the next page of the copy of Twilight he was reading.

"I can't say I blame him." Helen said, wrinkling her nose as she finished the third chapter of Twilight. "How can anybody stand to read this? It's complete rubbish."

"Yeah." Ashley said dreamily as she started the fourteenth chapter of Breaking Dawn. "Complete rubbish."

"I like the werewolves." Henry said.

Will put down his copy. "I can't stand this. 'Opaque blackboards?' As opposed to the clear ones?"

"I don't like Edward. He's not realistic at all." Henry said.

"No, not at all." Ashley agreed, sighing with a smile on her face.

"I liked Jacob better before he was a werewolf." Said the Big Guy.

"Are you kidding?" Henry said. "He was lame before he was a werewolf."

"I think the whole thing is a waste of perfectly good trees." Said Helen.

"Completely." Ashley said. I wish I was Bella. She thought longingly.

* * *

It was hours before they arrived at the house where Stephanie Meyer lived. The sun was sinking low, appropriate since their mission revolved around 'Twilight'. The team got their guns out and sneaked into the house.

"He's already here." Helen said, her heart sinking as she saw Telsa's favourite suit jacket hanging from a hook on the wall.

"If he killed her, that means no possibilities of more books." Ashley whispered. The grip on her gun tightened. "He's a dead vamp."

There was a faint sound of laughter somewhere in the house. Helen and Will glanced at each other. Ashley raced towards the laughing, gun in hand and ready to shoot. The rest followed her.

Sitting in a nice parlour, sitting on a sofa, was Nikola Tesla. He had a glass of orange juice in his hand. Across from him on a overstuff chair sat Stephanie Meyer.

"Look who's here!" Telsa exclaimed.

"Nikola." Helen said, a little weary but glad that he hadn't murdered the author yet. "You're coming with us."

"Hi, my name's Ashley and I love your books. I mean, they're okay." Ashley said, trying to keep cool.

"Are you gonna write more books?" Henry asked. "If you do can you have more of the wolves?"

"Add Sasquatch. Not 'Big Foot', that's an insulting name, but Sasquatch." The Big Guy said.

"I can't promise anything." Said Stephanie Meyer.

"Nikola." Helen said again.

"Helen."

"Come on, we're leaving."

"Now?" exclaimed Ashley in dismay.

"Yes. Before he kills her."

"Why would I kill this charming lady?" Telsa said, sipping at his orange juice.

"Because she wrote about sparkling vampires." Will said.

Stephanie Meyer laughed.

"That was before I actually read the books." Telsa explained. "I love the forbidden romance, the love triangle. Did I tell you that I know exactly how Jacob feels? Although in my case the girl went for the dog instead of the vampire." Tesla shot a sneaky glance at Helen.

"I just wish there had been more blood." Ashley said, sitting down. "Could you autograph my copy of Breaking Dawn? I'm almost done."

Helen and Will looked at each other and shook their heads. It seemed like they were in for a Twlight twilight.