Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters but it'd be seriously nice if I did. I think everyone would've been mildly happy with my ending…at least Team Wolf fans would. =P Nah, I wouldn't slaughter all of the vampires. But there'd be some deaths on all sides.
"This is bullshit." Leah snaps angrily drawing all eyes on her. The boys have come over again to sit on her family's furniture, to watch her family's TV, eat her family's food and breathe her family's precious oxygen. But there presence around her isn't what's bugging her. Not today at least.
"Okay…so…the ghost is bullshit? Or is it Mika's reactions?" Jacob questions as he looks down at the forever angry woman beside him. Bella had let him borrow Paranormal Activity and since the Clearwaters were the only ones with a DVD player that's what the pack was doing.
"No…and yes." Leah answers her eyes narrowing. "But that's not what I'm referring to. The ghost is fine because that is possible but Mika is being a complete ass-fuck about the whole thing. He shouldn't be fucking with things he knows absolutely nothing about. But this whole shit-fuck is what I'm talking about." Leah says opening her hands and waving at the whole room.
"Uh…I don't get it." Embry says from his position on the other side of Leah.
"Pause it." Leah orders and with a shrug Seth pauses the movie.
"Can – can we turn on the lights?" Quil asks after clearing his throat earning a chuckle from Seth.
"Go ahead." Leah says as she pulls her legs up and crosses them. "So, I get the fact that we're descended from the great 'Spirit Warriors' and that our transformation is triggered by the appearance of the cold ones." Leah says earning an eye roll from Jacob. "That's fine. Our whole purpose is to protect the tribe against them and anything else that may come along to endanger the lives of the Quileute. That's fine."
"What's bullshit then?" Jacob asks narrowing his eyes down at her. He is not in the mood to her Leah bitch about Bella…again.
"What's bullshit is the fact that a human girl can get knocked up by a vampire. A mutha-fuckin' COLD ONE!" Leah yells as if pointing out the obvious. But, obviously to these meatheads it means nothing. "The cold ones bodies are frozen, like ice. They have no need to breathe meaning that their lungs do not work. They do not require blood to pump through their bodies thus no heartbeat. No heartbeat means no functioning kidneys, liver or anything. The matter of the 'undead'," Leah says with hand quotations, "means that the body is dead but the brain is still functioning thus allowing the synapses to fire and tell the body what to do. Thus, meaning that the electricity in the brain is more powerful then anyone has ever really given any consideration to. But that's neither here nor there."
"Oh…kay?" Embry says frowning at Leah's discussion topic.
"But the point is that nothing, absolutely nothing should logically work in a vampire's body. The females cannot reproduce because their bodies are frozen and yet some fucked-up, disillusioned author or great creator wants us to believe that the males are able to impregnate a human girl with his frozen sperm? I mean, think about it,"
"Oh god." Quil mumbles.
"Their boys are sitting in a block of ice and shouldn't be able to go anywhere."
"Can we, can we please not discuss this?" Jacob asks burying his face in his hands.
"No, listen to me. A leech shouldn't be able to shoot out his jizz. That's it plain and simple."
"You've been sitting here thinking about Edward's lil' soldiers?" Embry asks seemingly mortified.
"Whatever." Leah says rolling her eyes. "But the point is that they shouldn't be able to climax. They can't feel anything which means that they are all just faking it. Their whole sex life is a lie and a painful, frigid roll in the hay." Leah and the boys all shudder at the thought.
"Why are you thinking about this?" Seth asks beyond embarrassed and confused.
"Because it leads back to me believing that maybe I can have kids some day." Leah says with a small smile on her face. "I mean, if by some strange twist of anti-science,"
"But…couldn't, uh," Embry begins and blushing. "Well…it could be that Bella's core body temperature,"
"Dude," Jacob growls angrily. "Are, are you talking about Bella's,"
"I did think about that but then wouldn't Edward's body temperature eventually warm up a bit by being in close contact with her? No, he forever remains cold. We have to make a fire that is hot enough to burn their bodies. Otherwise heat has no effect on them unless it is an extreme amount of heat. It's the same with us but in reverse. It takes a substantial drop in temperature and then requires us to be in the cold weather for an insane prolonged period of time. No, our bodies and vampires bodies do not allow a human to just counteract the whole temperature thing. It's not plausible. In other words, Bella's cunt could never get hot enough to do what you were thinking."
"This, this is the dumbest discussion we've ever had. It's ridiculous!" Jacob growls out. "I mean, I personally don't want to think about Edward and Bella like that."
"But she does bring up a good point." Quil says nodding his head at Leah earning a smug grin. "It really doesn't make any sense how that all worked out."
"It just sounds really complicated to me." Seth says rubbing his head.
"But how does this work for you getting knocked up?" Embry asks.
"I'm glad you asked, Embry." Leah says proudly. "Our bodies aren't frozen but can however go through very drastic changes. I've been thinking it over and looking back over it my transformation isn't as painful as it is for you guys. My skin is engineered to stretch anyway which means that my body should be more than capable of carrying a fetus."
"We're not going to talk about Sam's jizz, are we?" Jacob snarls angrily.
"Oh gawd, no." Leah says gagging. "But, since our bodies are still the same with your boys still swimming. I mean can't my eggs still be functional?"
"Okay, I'll bite." Quil says. "Why not?"
"Because it's not safe for me right now." Leah answers matter-of-factly.
"Not safe? What's that supposed to mean?" Seth queries.
"Well vampires don't like our scent to begin with anyway but we can for the most part blend in the environment around us. By running patrol so often what we're actually doing is scent marking our territory thus making it next to impossible for a vampire to pinpoint our location." All the boys nod their heads agreeing with these facts. "So it wouldn't be safe for me to be on my period if there's a danger around."
"So…your body is geared to protect you versus giving you the chance to procreate." Embry comments as Leah nods her head.
"So, in other words the Cullens have to go otherwise you'll never be able to have kids." Quil says as Leah nods her head weakly.
"What?!" Jacob and Seth yell looking at Leah in surprise.
"Well, it's just a theory but makes complete sense." Leah states looking down at her hands. Figures that those two would react to such news about their precious Cullens.
"Makes sense to me if anything about what else has been going on does." Quil comments getting up and heading into the kitchen.
"You're not going to ask the Cullens to leave, are you?" Seth asks weakly earning an eye roll from both Leah and Embry.
"No, I'm not going to ask your precious Cullens to leave." Leah says with a snort. "Me asking wouldn't do anything." Leah says throwing a quick side glance at Jacob.
"Well…Leah, I think you have risen some very good points and look forward to hearing more about your 'Wolf/Vampire' conspiracy theories." Jacob says sarcastically.
"Well, actually, I do have quite a few that I will share with you All-Mighty, Asinine Alpha." Leah says sweetly hugging Jacob's arm and resting her head on his shoulder.
"Well, you know if you ever need someone to help test your theory I'm more than willing to help you out." Embry says getting up from the couch and winking at Leah.
"Embry." Seth growls out as Leah gets up from the couch laughing.
"Hey, it's all in the name of science." Embry says laughing heading into the kitchen.
"I've always hated science fairs but that might actually be fun." Leah says jumping on Embry's back earning a groan from Seth.
"Sex for Science." Embry declares as the wolves in the kitchen burst out laughing.
"She won't do it." Jacob says shaking his head reassuring Seth.
A/N: Alright, this is just a story idea that came about while talking to a friend about Paranormal Activity. Actually, he was talking about the movie and I was doing a horrible job of listening. So my mind started to wander and that's the cold, dark alley it when to when I interrupted him with my 'bullshit' comment. From there our conversation took off with him stating that no guy wants to talk about another guy's jizz. But then he became curious about how it was possible for something that is cold and undead to get a girl pregnant. Dry ice came up but then we just laughed for like 20 minutes thinking about some girl's tongue stuck to…well you get the idea. But, we both agreed that if a vampire can get a girl pregnant then a wolf girl could become pregnant as well. I'm gonna try and get him to talk about imprinting with me and see what he thinks about it.
And no, no I have not forgotten about Missing You and New Day. I do have something written but need more meat on the plate if you get my drift. But hope everyone had a safe New Year's Eve. Didn't do too much drinking? I did and missed the ball drop. Woke up 3-minutes later to only drink some more and crash for the rest of the night. May 2010 bring about much joy, prosperity, hope and many, many movies with our fave wolves…preferably shirtless as well. LOLOLOL.