putting the "het" in hetalia
theblahblahbeginning: this is a loosely-scrapped-together mash of chapters written by dreamsofdestiny, who is amazed no one thought of it beforehand because, well, it's hetalia. But for once, she can say that she actually likes her title. Yay! As usual, I've no freakin' idea where this story is going, just for the record. But I'll introduce more (namely male, as I've pretty much used up all the girl!characters) characters next time around, hopefully you're not totally disturbed yet?
And for those old readers/reviewers, hope you stay on and stay in for the whole of this crazy ride~!
possiblepairings: I had a huge list, and then figured: screw it all, because everything goes in this story-het, yaoi, and maybe even some yuri, though you'll probably have to stand on your head to see any romance.
Vash does not approve
"Order, order!" Hungary called, pounding the gavel at her head seat of the first meeting of the International Coalition of Female Nations for Improved Living Conditions, "I call for everyone to be seated at our premier meeting of ICFNILC!"
"Hear, hear!" Belgium echoed, having finished passing about her chocolate-drizzled (strawberry-topped) waffles.
"Why did you pick such a weird acronym for this group anyways?" Vietnam questioned.
"And how do you even pronounce it?" Taiwan echoed, "ick-fi-nilk? if-nilk? icee-finilk?"
"I like the last one!" Luxembourg remarked.
"M-maybe it's just supposed to be spelled out?" Liechtenstein wondered aloud.
"I-C-FNILK it is," Hungary officiated.
"Wait what? I can't even pronounce that, and I'm the one that made it up!" Taiwan argued.
"Don't worry!" Hungary said with a winsome smile, "I can't pronounce that either!"
"This is really delicious!" Seychelles interrupted as she managed to muffle through her large gulps of the savory treat.
"Seychelles has declared Belgium's waffles to be delicious-are we all in agreement?"
"Aye," the members of the coalition agreed. Well, the ones that did not have their mouths full with the approved-delicious waffles.
"Is there an actual purpose to this meeting?" Belarus, of course, "I have a busy schedule and according to my BrotherTracker2010," and here, she whipped out the Palm Pilot-sized device, "Dearest Elder Brother will be leaving his G8 meeting in a matter of minutes."
A shiver passed through the group, and only Hungary seemed unfazed.
"Of course we'll get to more pressing issues that delicious waffles," a pause to stab another morsel into her mouth, "Why don't you open the floor for the choice of discussion, Natalya?"
A flash blue eyes, and only Ukraine's soothing voice and smile and Russia-approved vicegrip stopped a crisis from happening in the first five minutes of the meeting.
"As I was saying," Belarus continued as soon as everyone else found their heartbeats, "I would like to begin our first discussion on the nations that are not in this meeting, and what to do-"
"Oh my God, I totally agree!" Luxembourg interjected, "I mean, look at them, at their G8 Meeting, and notice how there just aren't any female nations in the meeting!"
"Yeah!" Taiwan agreed, "They have all these alliances and secret societies inside cool buildings, and we're stuck in this dump!" she gestured to their state-of-the-art meeting room in Geneva Switzerland, courtesy of Liechtenstein's 'softie' of a big brother, "I mean, we don't even have nukes, only rocket-propelled grenades, antiballistics and inter-continental ballistic missiles!"
"But what I-" Belarus started, only to be cut off by Seychelles.
"Do you guys think they're all... you know?" Awkward hand gestures and a slight flush ensued.
Silence, again, only for about a quarter of a millisecond.
"Y-y-you don't mean... h-h-homosexual, do you?" Taiwan, of course, blushing for other reasons.
"That makes so much sense," Vietnam remarked.
"That is totally ridiculous!" Belgium said at the same time.
"I-I-I... I hope that's not what Vash does...!" Liechtenstein buried her face in her hands at the thought.
"There is no one who would dare approach Dearest Brother without my approval," Belarus, brandishing a terrifyingly sharp knife (with bloodstains, Belgium couldn't help but notice).
"But that would be like so cute, I mean, Japan just lent me some doujinshi for USUK last week!" Hungary gushed, changing the discussion into a whole new issue.
"USUK?" Vietnam noted with a raise of her eyebrow, "But Alfred is such the wimp at times!"
"You can't have the uke without the UK!" Taiwan declared gleefully.
"But I think Arthur deserves to top once in a while..." Seychelles sighed, "I mean, he is Great Britain!"
"But who'd he-" Hungary started, before a barrage of suggestions started.
"France!" Luxembourg put forth.
"China!" Taiwan threw out.
"America!" Vietnam, of course.
"Japan!" Seychelles suggested.
"Russia?" Belarus whipped her head to see who would taste the sleek metal of her sword, er, knife, only to see a perfectly-at-ease... Ukraine.
"What?" Ukraine laughed nervously at the sudden attention of the other eight nations, "I mean, Ivan was very adorable when he was little!" And here, she went into a rather private childhood story, recounting the time where she accidentally-purposely scared General Winter out of her younger brother's house by lighting the whole thing on fire, that left all of her fellow nations (including Belarus and Hungary) in shivers.
"W-Well," Belgium attempted, trying to scavenge a decent meeting from the mental wreckage of Ukraine's 'happy narrative' (her words, not Belgium's), "Moving on, what was your original reason for starting the discussion on the male nations, Natal-Belarus?"
"I wish to make clear at this meeting that pairing my Dearest Brother with anyone but me... and... England..." Belarus looked away from her older sister's Russia-approved smile, "will face the sharper edge of my knife." And for demonstration, she cleanly chops the thicker edge of the cherrywood table off in one smooth motion.
"Ah, um, that's Vash's table...!" Liechtenstein mumbles out, already calculating the expenses of repairing such a table in record time.
"Oh, no worries," Seychelles soothed, "I'm really good with wood-I'll fix it right after we're done!"
"Natalya, that's not very nice," Only Ukraine would dare say.
"Sorry..." Belarus muttered, not even looking at Liechtenstein. The micronation wilted, just a little.
"Well, seeing as how Russia's out of the pairing game," Hungary valiantly fought to continue the severely-bootlegged meeting, "then what about the other male nations?"
"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God-I just thought up the greatest plan-and form of revenge-ever!" Luxembourg joyously exclaimed, clasping her hands together and taking forth the look of the classic fangirl, only with a Russia-approved smile that made even Ukraine a bit jealous.
"Well, what it is it?" Belgium asked, leaning forward with an almost-identical sparkle.
"Yes, tell, tell!" Vietnam added, without hesitation.
"We should forcibly pair all the male nations together!" Luxembourg disclosed.
"Vash is not going to approve..." Liechtenstein noted dryly.
"That is the best idea ever~!" Hungary squealed, happy that her GerIta and Antovino fanfictions could finally be put to a good use.
"I'd love to see KikuxYao!" Taiwan gushed.
"Alfred being on the bottom has its quirks," Vietnam admitted.
"Oh my!" Ukraine declared, clapping a palm to her now-rosy cheek, "England could actually be on top with little brother~"
"Okay, I have had enough of this!" Alfred declared, "Which is why I decided to start up yet another international organization, except this one is called the Awesome Troop of Awesome Heroes Who Do Awesome Things And Are Not-Not Awesome!"
"Wow," England interjected, "That is possibly the worst name I have heard since "The Allies".
"Not it's not! It's an awesome name!" Prussia, who totally did not have any part in naming the latest international organization, retorted.
"Awesome only if you drink that hideous substance you call beer," France grumbled, looking sourly at his foaming beverage in the American bar.
"Hey! Don't insult beer!" Germany started, about to give yet another one of his passionate rants on how beer was the best beverage of them all, and safe and recommended for people from 2 months to two hundred years, only to be interrupted by Lovino.
"Shut up, potato-bastard, you're sitting too damned close to my little brother!"
"Anyways," America continued, "The point of this organization is to dispel all those rumors that are floating around, that, you know, we're gay and all."
"But I thought that this organization was so that we could pick up really cute girls ve~!" Feliciano complained, earning a light 'smack' from his elder brother and a facepalm from Ludwig.
"Right, it's just like Italy-
"North!" South Italy added.
"Right. It's just like North Italy said: we're going to dispel all of these rumors about us being gay by, you know, not being gay."
"Perhaps those rumors don't actually surround all of us and just you?" England hypothesized, "I mean, some of us have actually, ah, engaged in conversation and perhaps even gentlemanly manners with, ah, female nations."
"Silly rosbif, ignoring them in the Geneva Conference really doesn't count as 'interaction', n'est-ce pas?" France sneered, much to England's eternal displeasure.
"We need a really awesome slogan, for this really awesome organization!" Prussia declared.
"How about putting the "A" in Awesome?" America, of course.
"How about putting the Not-Gay in Awesome?" Prussia snarked.
"But what about the people who are gay, da?" Russia said with his trade-marked smile, "I mean, those who are already... out... cannot possibly come back in."
"What are you talking about?" England grumbled, "Speak some damned sense..."
"He is saying, rosbif," France interrupted, smiling suavely at the bristling Brit, "that those who has escaped from the armoire cannot possibly be 'normal' again."
"Escaped the armoire?" Alfred laughed, nervously, "Is that some cool new phrase for coming out of the closet?"
"Ah oui, pardon my french," France says with a too-lascivious wink.
"But it's not like anyone, is, you know," Cue awkward gesturing from America, "You know... actually in love with any other nation, right?"
Silence, from the male nations this time. And then all eyes cued to look at one very much bewildered nation.
"Wh-what, aru? Why are you all looking at me?" China flustered, unable to properly dispel the 'looks' his fellow (bastards, aru!) nations were dealing towards him.
"I wasn't looking at you!" Canada trembled, but was ultimately ignored.
"Well, you're just seriously feminine at times, Yao, no offence or anything," Arthur put forth, ready to list the times the other squealed and hung on tightly to his deformed horror of a cat stuffed animal if the need for evidence arose.
"Hmph!" A pout that really did not help his cause, "I refuse to dignify that with a response, aru!"
"Besides China-san," Japan began, skillfully leading the conversation away and astray, "What about other nations? In my country, doujinshi sa-I mean, I have..." and he paused here, thinking for the rightfully innocent word, "heard... that the production and redistribution of yaoi things have increased nearly tenfold with this coming year, simply because of such 'rumors', as America-san has said."
"So it's only logical to assume that someone else must be perpetuating such beliefs, correct?" Germany concluded.
"I like girls, I really do, ve~ I just like Ludwig better, ve~!" Italy (the north one, of course) chose to pipe up at this moment. Lovino opened his canister of tomatoes, ready to pitch a couple dozen at the German, except he was already looking exceptionally red without the would-have been-coming bombardment.
"What do you propose we do, in order to, say, dispel such false thoughts?" Another lengthy gap of silence, but it wasn't so much because of Russia's smile as it was because of the emphasis on the word 'dispel'.
"Well, being the hero that I am, I thought that we could all save our reputations by getting girlfriends!" Alfred pronounced.
"A girlfriend...?" A flushed Canada refused to believe-who would notice him, much less date him? But he was ignored.
"Y-Y-You mean... like the prelude to a courtship?" Arthur, naturally, was downright-scandalized.
"Non, non, non; he means l'amour-the love, you know?" Cue fluttering of french eyelashes and one very green English.
"Amore, Amore, I love you, my pasta~! Please let me twirl you around my fork and then eat because I love you, my Amore, so much, ve~" Feliciano sang, all the while directing his melody towards Ludwig.
"A girlfriend?" Prussia thoughtfully stroked his chin, "She would have to be as equally awesome as me, and everyone knows no one is as awesome as I am!"
"Only because Hungary will punch you into next week if you so much as look the wrong way at her," Lovino muttered. Gilbert did the mature thing for once and pretended he did not hear.
"This is a stupid-plan!" China exclaimed, "I mean, if you can do basic math, you'll see that there are less girls than boys, aru!"
"What?" Russia said with a grin, "Is Yao-Yao scared of cooties?"
"N-No!" The stumble was purposeful, China will defend that to his dying day, "It's just the math of this doesn't make sense!"
"Just the math?" Raged England, "This whole plan is going down to hell!"
"Oh you guys, I have to go catch a Taylor Swift concert at five, so I'll conclude the first meeting of ATAHWDTAANNA! You guys should all look for possible nations that are female that you would like to have as your girlfriend next meeting, so that, you know, we're not stuck in the amwak, like France said!" And with such a touching farewell, Alfred left with a wave... and half of the meeting room's supply of food.
"...He's seriously the ponciest one of us all..." England muttered, and for once, no one bothered to refute that.