OK, I know it's highly improbable that any member of the Fellowship kept a diary, but I wanted to write one so I did (and hey, lots of fics are improbable).

Note: 'Tis based on books and film, so some things that happened but were edited from film are included. I use the timeline from the appendices at the end of Return of the King.

October 25th, 3018 - Rivendell

Secret council meetings attended: 1; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but no Orcs to kill, so v. good as have not started hallucinating that I'm being attacked like Haldir did after smoking hobbit weed...oops, told to keep that secret, especially as Galadriel still doesn't know who put all those arrow holes in her newly decorated walls; no. of evil Rings seen: 1, but there is only 1 so this is also v. good; no. of times I yelled at Boromir: 2, excellent.

Council of Elrond. Am in trouble, as had to admit to losing Gollum. Well, not me, it was the stupid guards, don't know why they let him climb that bloody tree. Don't know what my father was thinking, hiring those idiots...anyway, had to tell Elrond that we'd lost Gollum. Just as Aragorn was going on about how Gollum was 'safely kept by the watchful Elves of Mirkwood'. Felt so guilty and everything that I over reacted slightly (actually used the word 'alas', damn), then lost it and yelled at Boromir (not that he didn't DESERVE it) when he slagged off Aragorn. Ch, you'd think the Steward of Gondor's son would recognise Aragorn, son of Arathorn when he saw him. Not only did he not recognise him, he had the nerve to disbelief me...ME! But Gandalf told him off so I'm happy.

The Ring must be destroyed, says Gandalf and he knows everything and is even older than Elrond and Galadriel put together (possibly). Gimli, stupid Dwarf, tried to use his axe on the Ring, but axe shattered. Hard put not to burst out laughing, but is serious issue so must keep straight face and act like responsible Elf of 2,631. Showed responsibility by stopping friends from punching stupid Dwarves. Not that I didn't want to punch stupid Dwarves myself, but would get in even more trouble so had to refrain.

Amidst all the chaos of Elves, Dwarves and Men arguing, that little guy Frodo agreed to take Ring to Mordor. Think he may be a little bit insane. Think I am also insane as have agreed to go with him. In fact, I think the following...people, for want of better word, are also insane, as have also agreed to go with him: Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli (stupid Dwarf), Boromir (arrogant git), Sam, Merry and Pippin. Elrond called us the Fellowship of the Ring. Have been looking in dictionary to see if there is a word which means 'group made up of lunatics' which can replace 'Fellowship'.

December 25th, 3018 - Rivendell and onwards

(Since last entry) No. of times Bilbo sang a stupid song: 345; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but, again, no Orcs; No. of times I yelled at Boromir: 3, haven't been near him much recently; No. of times Elrond yelled at me: 1, but lasted 1/2 hour.

Finally left Rivendell. Have had to put up with Bilbo singing songs and reciting anecdotes for two months, TWO MONTHS! Enough to make any Elf pull his hair out, provided he didn't mind the effect this would have on his looks. Anyway, have had enough of story about Bilbo going to Lonely Mountain and back, esp. as he said some rude things about my father and his drinking habits. I know my father's a gold-obsessed alcoholic, but only I'M allowed to say that.

Elrond yelled at me about Gollum escaping. As I tried to point out, I wasn't responsible for letting him out to go tree-climbing, but would he listen? Nooooo! Elrond said a lot about the fact that Mirkwood Elves are blond. He's just bitter because he's brunette and the one time he tried to bleach his hair it all fell out.

As I said, we left Rivendell at last. Took ages to arrange everything, particularly which way we were going. Also, Aragorn was sulking because he had to leave Arwen again. Stupid Aragorn. And Gimli's been going on about how great the Mines of Moria are and that his cousin Balin will welcome us wonderfully. Yeah, 'cos Elves and Dwarves get along so well. Must resist urge to kick Gimli.

Left at dusk, heading for Gap of Rohan, even though it's close to Isengard and Saruman is now evil. Disliked Saruman anyway, as he is Elfist. Also, spends too much on manicures and washing detergent.

January 8th, 3019 - weird group of stones

No. of Orcs killed: 0, damn.

Black crows are spying on us for Saruman. Relatively original choice of spies, but why are the evil ones using so much black recently? Is it the In colour?

January 10th, 3019 - mountains, somewhere

No. of schizo moments of Boromir: 1, worrying in itself; No. of Orcs killed: still 0, am getting fed up with this.

As result of those crows yesterday, have to go over Caradhras. Have to climb over snow, and am being slowed down by everyone who can't walk on snow like an Elf because am the only Elf. Ha! Am so much better than them.

Also, Boromir is being corrupted by the Ring, tried to take it from Frodo. Well, not take it, as crazy hobbit didn't fasten the chain safely around his neck and it and the Ring fell off. All Boromir had to do was pick it up and have a totally schizophrenic moment. Aragorn this close to unsheathing sword and threatening Boromir, but schizo moment didn't last that long.

January 11th, 3019 - Caradhras

Have time to total up the journey so far, the results are thus - No. of miles walked: too many to count; No. of annoying hobbits to deal with: 2, Merry and Pippin; No. of stupid comments stupid Dwarf Gimli made: 34; No. of Orcs killed: 0, need to kill something or will use Gimli as target practice (would this be a bad thing?).

Am stuck on mountain. Am fed up. Am seriously reconsidering deciding to take this journey. Am also seriously reconsidering my sanity.

But am only one who can walk on snow, so am smug.

January 12th, 3019 - foot hills, somewhere

No. of times tried not to laugh at those who can't walk on snow: lost count; No. of times I chased the sun: 1, definitely insane; No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of times I 'accidentally' shot Gimli: 1, and his armour got in way.

Finally off of mountains, but now going to Moria. Frodo decided to go there, idiotic hobbit that he is. Still, must grin and bear it, as am Elf and meant to find joy in everything. Ha! Anyone who thinks that should see my father with a hangover.

Took out anger at thought of journey in dark (do not like caves, no Elves do really) and all those Dwarves guzzling ale and making Elfist comments by 'accidentally' shooting Gimli. It was an accident. I had my bow strung and loaded in case something evil popped up and my finger slipped and I accidentally got Gimli. Bounced off his armour but the fuss he's making you'd think I'd killed him.

January 13th, 3019 - Moria (bugger)

No. of wolves killed: 24, I think; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but got to shoot at wolves, so am feeling less homicidal; No. of big lake monsters killed: 1, go me!; No. of dead Dwarves found: didn't get a chance to count them properly, at least a dozen.


In other news, went into Moria. Took ages to get in because there was a riddle and Gandalf couldn't solve it. Then Frodo had the nerve to ask Gandalf for an ELVISH word. Hello, I'm an Elf, Elvish is my first language, ask me, I know!

Got into mines and found lots of dead Dwarves, killed by Orcs. Tried not to be happy about this, but I was, on two counts: 1) shut Gimli up for a bit about how great Dwarves are; 2) there are Orcs here, more stuff for me to shoot. I was also happy that I got to shoot a big lake monster, though less than happy to find myself stuck in mines. At least Frodo managed to remember to put his necklace on properly, so it didn't fall off when he was hanging upside down. It would have been absolutely brilliant for us if he'd lost it in the lake.

January 15th, 3019 - Nimrodel

No. of dead Fellowship members: 1, Gandalf, problem; No. of Orcs killed: lost count, am nearly out of arrows and got to show that you can kick arse with two knives just as well (if not better) as with a sword; No. of cave trolls killed: 1, and I got to dodge the chain it was flailing about and ride on its back for a bit, proving that Elves have good reflexes and balance. All in all, a satisfying day...except for Gandalf dying.

Out of Moria at last. Gimli has finally stopped going on about how wonderful the mines are. I wonder what could've stopped him! Could it be:

a) all his relatives have been killed by Orcs

b) WE were nearly all killed by Orcs and a big cave troll (which I killed, ha!)

c) the stupid Dwarves had dug too deep and woken a Balrog. Made an idiot of myself by being scared of Balrog but, come on! Elves and Demons do not get on, it's an ingrained fear from when we're little: "behave or the Balrog will get you!". Anyway, Gandalf fought it then fell to his doom. If Gimli hadn't been so bloody insistent about the mines, we wouldn't've had to go in them. Sure Frodo didn't know they existed.

Stupid Dwarves.

Half an hour later

Stupid Dwarves.

Dare I ask for reviews? Yep.