I know I said that I wouldn't do any writing until after my exams, etc, etc, but I cracked. Combination of need for stress relief, my friend returning my copy of ROTK (she read nearly all the appendices!) and me borrowing the LOTR: FOTR soundtrack and listening to it continuously (its beautiful and highly recommended).

Anyway, enough plugs for LOTR products, this is the last part of the official diary. I might write a seventh part to link on to my modern diary, not sure at the moment, but this version stays true to Tolkien's work. I don't own LOTR or anything connected with it, but this diary is mine, except for the format which is pure Bridget Jones.

And two warnings: ENDING of ROTK revealed; and Arwen-bashing (hehehe!).

March 25th - still at the Black Gate (you think we had the chance to move?)

Oh shitshitshit! Oh Elendil! Oh help are we ever in trouble. Orcs and trolls and Nazgul oh my! Help!

Calmed down a bit now and...oh great, Pippin just got squashed by a troll! That stupid Hobbit, only he'd be that idiotic.

"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!"

Wah? Am I back at the Battle of Five Armies [1]? I was there you know, because my father was in a right mood about some Dwarves who'd done a runner and...hang on, one of them was Gimli's father. Great, we have a minor family connection: my father locked his father in a dungeon. What can I say but 'oops'?

Ah, yes, the battle here and the mortal danger we're in. I'm suddenly very aware that Elves can die in a battle.

And also very aware that Aragorn's just standing there doing nothing! Yeah, am sure that if we just ignore the Orcs they'll go away. As for Gandalf - he's the one yelling about Eagles. And so are other people. What's going on? Has Frodo managed it after all?

And there are Eagles. Bloody big ones at that. Think the Orcs are a little surprised by that. As are the Nazgul, because the Eagles are attacking them. And they're running - flying - away, into Mordor, because -

"Did you hear that Master Elf?" Gimli yelled to me.

"What, that awful, terrifying and cold screech?"


"Yes, I think its He Who Lost His Ring And Is Rather Pissed Off About It."

The Orcs evidently thought it was Sauron too, because they suddenly seemed a lot less sure of themselves. Scared shitless is actually a better description. As for us? We all seemed to feel like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders and were preparing to leap in and commit Yrchin genocide when Gandalf stopped us. Since he became the White he's been no fun at all.

Its the hour of Doom apparently, and an earthquake! Ha, everyone else is wobbling about and some are falling over, but am Elf so can stay on feet at all times. Excuse me a moment while I push one of Elrond's sons of balance and laugh. There, feel much better now.

Speaking of falling over, the Black Gate and the Towers of Teeth are starting to do just that. And some sort of huge black cloud is billowing up out of Mordor, as if the whole world's on fire and that's the smoke which has somehow formed itself into a hand. I think said hand would dearly like to wring our necks but it can't reach and is blown away in a breeze, which proves that it wasn't the most effective last attempt at an attack.

And now all the Orcs are running away! That's unfair, I've been in a homicidal mood all day and I have nothing to kill? Would take it out on Gimli but Aragorn'll just yell at me. And there's no way I'm going to risk the wrath of Elrond by killing his sons. Damn, homicidal tendencies foiled again.

Gandalf's just flown off on an Eagle, now there's something you don't see everyday!

Well, I guess we've won.

March 25th - later

Pippin wasn't dead, a fact which I spent a good hour trying to hammer home to Gimli who seemed determined to have hysterics over a death that never happened. He says that he could have torn his beard out but I know for a fact that there was a little bit of no-bladed shaving going on on that battlefield.

And Frodo did his job properly, managed to find Mount Doom ("its that mountain dominating the horizon and spouting flame, can't miss it") and throw the Ring in. At least, I think that's what happened, will have to ask him when he and Sam wake up.

April 6th - Field of Cormallen

No. of Hobbits who got the longest lie in ever: 2, Frodo and Sam.

The Fellowship is reunited, hurrah and hooray. I'm actually serious, don't know why no one thought I was being sincere when I said that.

After the reunions and the whole 'Aragorn's King now and he's changed his name AGAIN' shock for the two Hobbits, we got down to the important business of telling our stories to each other. Nothing like sitting up late and having a good old boast about one's adventures. (excuse me, I may be a little drunk)

The Tale of Frodo and Sam is as follows:

They walked, they walked some more, they fell down a cliff and then they walked a little bit more. Gollum found them, Frodo got him to trust him but Sam didn't trust Gollum. They walked some more, then a little further until they met Faramir, Boromir's brother and Eowyn's Aragorn substitute (pardon me for being cynical). Anyway, Faramir's The Good Guy and he was nice and didn't take the Ring. He let Frodo and Sam go and they walked some more, climbed some stairs and then walked right into the lair of Shelob, the mother of all spiders who was scared off by the light Galadriel gave Frodo. She came back, however, and bit Frodo (Shelob, not Galadriel, she's too well-bred to bite a Hobbit) and Sam thought Frodo was dead so took the Ring in a desperate attempt to complete the quest; he thought he was the only living Fellowship member left. Then Sam was very silly and put the Ring on IN MORDOR and watched as Frodo was captured by Orcs and taken to Cirith Ungol. Sam realised that Frodo was merely knocked out and mounted a Daring Rescue which was not actually that daring because the Orcs had obligingly killed one another before he turned up. All he had to do was rescue Frodo and run. So, Frodo and Sam walked into Mordor and walked...and walked...and walked...and reached Mount Doom where Frodo went mildly power mad and decided that he'd rather keep the Ring himself. Gollum turned up and decided that, no, he wanted the Ring. And then Sauron finally realised that there was this weird short creature in his back garden about to dispose of his favourite toy and sent the Nazgul to get it back. Unfortunately, they were too late: Gollum bit off Frodo's finger with the Ring attached and fell into the Fires of Mount Doom. Mordor fell to pieces, Frodo and Sam were rescued by Eagles and ended up back at the Field of Cormallen where they learnt that Aragorn was King and had changed his name AGAIN! Phew, quite a story that.

Mid-Year's Day - a bloody wedding

Now don't think I'm against weddings, per se, just that I could've done without Arwen being involved, even if she is the bride. I got very, very pissed off with her and her running about, babbling about how happy she was. I suppose it was quite unfair of me to trip her up as she ran past but, heh, it got a laugh out of everyone else.

I'm also annoyed that I was fool enough to promise to visit those caves with Gimli, because there's nothing to stop us now. Damn, am complete fool!

July 19th - leaving Gondor

Funeral procession all very sombre, except Arwen who won't stop bouncing about and saying that she's Queen now. So what? Have been royalty much longer than her, besides, am much more popular. And blond! And better looking! And narcissistic!

Not really something to be proud of that last.

August 18th - Helm's Deep

No. of times made to eat own words: 1, didn't enjoy it.

OK, the caves were spectacular, bravo Gimli, he was right, I was wrong.

Not that I'm admitting this out loud of course.

August 22nd - off to Fangorn and my revenge, mwahaha!

Today I exact my revenge on Gimli by dragging him off to Fangorn. Yay, so happy I could dance in circles; which I have done, just to confirm that I'm completely off my rocker.

On sadder note, Fellowship is breaking up again. Am sure we will get back together again some day, discuss the good old days over a cup of tea and some biscuits, but Gimli sees less certain. Stupid Dwarf.

And finally...

As I feel that we are at the end of our adventures, of the quest which has proved once and for all that I am completely mad and should by rights be locked up and never let out, I feel it is time to take stock of all that has happened to us. The tolls are as follows:

No. of dead Fellowship members: 1, Boromir; no. of Fellowship members who came back from the dead: Gandalf, the wily old coot; no. of times I nearly killed Gimli: too many to count; no. of orcs killed: hundreds, I couldn't keep an accurate count at Pelennor fields (I tried to but Aragorn made me lost count by telling me off for counting out loud); no. of times Aragorn yelled at me: 7, am not happy; no. of times I was right and Aragorn was wrong: 1, v. proud of that; no. of Hobbits who are taller than they should be: 2, Merry and Pippin; no. of people corrupted by the Ring: 5, Gollum, Boromir, Saruman, Frodo and Bilbo, which proves its evil.

In conclusion...we're all lunatics, but we did save Middle Earth so I guess we've got that to be happy about.

[1] See The Hobbit.

And there ends the official bit of the fic. I know I missed out a lot of the appendices, like Mirkwood being attacked by Orcs and the real end of the Fellowship, but I felt that this was a bit too sad for me to write. Might do it if I write a part 7, which would compare Tolkien's version to what actually happened; you'll have to read my 2002 edition to understand that *cough*shameless plug*cough*. Anyway, that's pretty much the end, thanks to everyone who reviewed, it was really nice to get so much encouragement. I am now off to work on my site (narcissisticelf.net) and to try and pass my A-Levels (which is the most important thing, honest!).