Sparks of Depression: A Fame One Shot
The crowd began to walk out of our overcrowded auditorium, some people crying from joy, others from sadness. We had just graduated, and this was the last time we would see eachother. Normally I would be sad to be departing from my friends. Now, I didn't really care.
It started out before the whole ceremony, about a two weeks before actually. We where at the senior prom, and everyone had a date. Nick had Serena, Mabel met some dancer, Joe was now dating a fellow comedian. Iris dragged Tyrone, who was just happy to have her by his side. Even Goody and Lamb found dates! It was just me, left alone.
Normally I would have gone with Carmen. But she was overseas somewhere, living her dream. It was that day that I really missed Carmen, and worried about her like hell. I would worry and miss here everyday she was gone, but on that day, it felt like it could kill me.
A week later, I was pretty much out of my mind. I missed her like crazy, a lot of things began to run through my mind. What if she stays in L.A.? Did she stop taking those drugs? Did she end up getting her GED? Is she okay? Why didn't she write? Why didn't she call?
I thought that something may have happened to her, but shook it off. Carmen was probably fine, she was probably doing a show somewhere. I was happy for her, honestly. But deep down, I knew that she still may have been in trouble. My heart sunk which each passing day. I began to think that she didn't love me anymore, she didn't care about me. What was I to her? To everyone else, I was some stupid violin player that got lucky and scored a hot girlfriend. It made me pretty sad, actually.
Five minutes before they announced that we would be the graduating class of '84, a weepy Sherman pulled me aside. I was concerned, I've never seen her be emotional like that before. Something had to be wrong.
Sherman broke my heart that day. Carmen had been dead for about a month now, due to a drug overdose. And I saw her such a short time ago! She was still on drugs then, and I knew... I could've stopped her... brought her to rehab...
No. Instead I gave her more money, which probably bought her more drugs. Carmen told me what it was like in Los Angeles, how they would get her drunk, how she had to scrape money together everyday, just to find food. How she would wake up, disoriented, not knowing where she was. How she had to strip and get touched for cash.
And I blame myself for letting her go in the first place. I warned her... I know I did... but I could have tried harder... forced her to stay...
If I would've forced Carmen into staying here, in New York, she would have been furious with me. She would've always thought, "what if? What if I had gone to L.A.?" She would hate me. But who cares? Carmen Diaz would still be standing here, on this earth, right next to me, for graduation. Now, Carmen Diaz has her own headstone somewhere in Queens.
I'm here now, outside our crappy school, curled up in a ball sitting on some stairs. I watched mournfully as everyone hugged each other. Serena and Nick kissed, and I felt my heart slowly begin to tear apart. I glanced around frantically for another place to look, just to see a sad Iris and Tyrone hugging.
"God, I can't believe she's gone." Iris said, tears coming down her cheeks. Tyrone kissed her head lightly before replying.
"I know... she was my partner in crime. Im gunna miss that chick." They stood there for a few seconds. I didn't even know why I was watching the two, but I couldnt seem to look away.
"You better graduate, I expect to be attending the same dance class with you next semester."
Iris said, more tears cascading from her eyes.
Tyrone shrugged then hugged her closer. "I better. Or Sherman'll kick my ass for sure."
I closed my eyes and placed my chin on my knees. I sighed. If only Carmen was as lucky as Iris. To be a rich, skilled ballerina, that was happy with life, just graduated from high school with a boyfriend that actually gives a damn. Or if she was as lucky as Serena, to be going to Brooklyn College, and to be a brilliant actress. Why couldnt she be like one of them? To be alive right here, right now?
My eyes began to well up, I tried to fight back the tears to avoid looking like a sissy in public. It was then where I felt a pair of arms wrapped around me. I opened my eyes reluctantly and saw lamb.
Lambchops, who was wearing a dress for only the second time since ive met her, was hugging me in an attempt to comfort me. And I must say, it wasnt really working. Yeah, I was about 2% calmer, but I was still in hysterics.
She leaned her head on my shoulder and she hugged me while I cried. The moon was up and what do you know, it was a full moon. We sat there for a while when Goody arrived, throwing one arm over my shoulders, hitting Lamb on the head. She threw a menancing glance at him before speaking. "It'll be okay Schlomo, trust me on that."
"Yeah, and we got Julliard next year, and the whole world afterwards." Goody said solemnly. "We'll be iight. We're all gunna die someday, Carmen just got it over with. She doesn't have do go through all of our crap."
"Goody!" Lambchops exclaimed, taking her head off my shoulder. "Whatever. She was a slut anyways." She added. I rolled my eyes at the comment.
"Carmen was not a slut." I said, sounding impossibly weak. Goody snorted.
"Yeah she was! I walk into the drama room one day, 'cause I forgot my mouth piece there, and I see her making out with Nick! Serena was walking my way with a really determined expression so I ran away as fast as I could from there."
We laughed briefly for a second, before I sighed again. Lamb kissed my cheek simply and Goody patted her head. We sat there in silence, thinking about the past four years together, Carmen, and the new adventures we would be overcoming.