Sovereign: Here it is guys, the second part of my review. And sadly, this will be the last review I will EVER write for the Mercenary Critic because I can't find anymore material for it. But now, let's get on with the review…
Dragon Wars Part 2
Darren paused for a moment as he just stares awkwardly at the girl.
"Wh-who are you?" Darren asked, finally breaking the awkward silence.
"I'm Rachel Alucard." The girl, now known as Rachel, introduced herself. "And I'm here to give you a warning."
"Warning? What warning?" Darren arches an eyebrow.
"I'm here to warn you that this world…is coming to an end." Rachel said solemnly.
"End og the world?" Darren said. "I thought we all survived 21st December 2012."
"No Darren. The end of the world is still inevitable." Rachel said. "A great evil shall come down to this world and destroy all of humanity."
"And what's this…evil you say…" Darren asked.
"We don't know." Rachel said frowning. "We cannot tell what this evil we foresee is. But only you can…"
"Oh I see." Darren said nodding his head. "I'm the chosen one to stop this evil. How cliché."
Rachel sighs and droops her arms, lowering her umbrella. "Yeah, you get the idea." She rolls his eyes. Then, she holds up her umbrella and narrows her eyes at Darren again, going back to her solemn expression. "But still, this world is coming to an end and only you can stop it."
"How do I do that?" Darren asked.
"By just finding what is this evil is and then destroy it." Rachel shrugs.
"That's it? Just find and destroy?"
"Yes." Rachel nods her head.
"But I don't know what this evil is at all!" Darren said. "Surely there should be some clue you can give to me!"
"Well…it has something to do with a movie that is being watched in the present right now." Rachel said.
"That's it?" Darren asked.
"Yes." Rachel nods again. "NOW BEGONE!"
Then, everything went white.
Soul, Edge and TD jumped in surprise as Darren magically reappears on the couch between them.
"Whoa! Darren, where have you been?" Soul asked.
"I…I was visited by this goth girl." Darren answered.
"Goth girl? What did she say to you?" TD asked.
"She said…" Darren rubs his chin. "Something is coming to destroy our world and I have to find it and save the world."
"Did she give you any clues what this evil is?" Edge asked.
"It's something…to do with a movie that's being watched right now!" Darren said out loud.
"Maybe it's this movie?" Soul asked, holding the DVD of Dragon Wars.
Darren paused for a moment before saying, "Maybe…"
"Soooooo….should we continue watching the movie?" TD asked.
"YES!" Darren yelled, looking back at the TV.
"Okay." Soul shrugs.
"Sure." TD nods his head.
"Huh, glad you point that detail to us Darren." Edge said, putting his hands at the back of his head.
"Okay, back to the movie. We see Sarah waking up the next morning, only to find out she's being locked up in her ward under police guard." Darren said. "Hmmm, maybe it's because the police found out her friend is dead. Maybe people are FINALLY being aware of the Buraki's presence."
"Hello?" Sarah said as she frantically tries to open the door but to no avail. "PLEASE! YOU GOT TO LET ME OUT!" She now yells as she slams her hands onto the door. "IS ANYONE THERE? PLEASE, OPEN THE DOOR! SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN, PLEASE!"
"Again Sarah, TELL THEM WHAT IS TERRIBLE THING IS!" Darren shouted.
"Meanwhile, Ethan finally finds the Sarah he's been looking and he receives a call that her house was attacked last night. So Ethan and Bruce quickly drive over to her house, only to see Brandy's dead body. Then he asked a woman which hospital Sarah's been admitted to and leaves." TD said.
"Why doesn't he just get that information back at the news office?" TD asked, arching an eyebrow.
"So Ethan goes to the hospital and asked the bitch receptionist that he's looking for Sarah." Soul said.
"Hi, I'm here to see a patient named Sarah Daniels." Ethan said.
"She's under quarantine. Absolutely no visitors." The receptionist said with a smug look.
"What? She's under quarantine? For what?" Darren asked.
"Look, I'm a member of the press." Ethan said, holding up his press card and hoping this will help him gain access to Sarah's ward.
The receptionist swifts her eyes from side to side before saying to Ethan, "You really shouldn't be saying anything but she's been under quarantine because of an unidentified mark on her body that may be an infection."
"Pffffft, WHAT?!" Darren yelled in annoyance. "Sarah's birth mark is an infection?! Where in the doctors' tiny brains make them think a BIRTH MARK, is an infection?! THIS IS STUPID!"
"Also, this means that the other people besides Ethan STILL don't know that the Buraki is travelling around LA after all!" Edge added. "So much for that!"
"Of course, the bitch receptionist still refused to allow Ethan to enter." Soul said. "Meanwhile, we're back to the comic relief zookeeper who's in another part of the hospital. He once again tries to convince people that he saw the Buraki but the therapist of course, doesn't believe him and continues applying her lipstick. Jesus, is there anybody in this hospital who is NOT a dickhead?"
"Ethan was about to leave when suddenly, a doctor appears to him and guides him to Sarah's ward. And despite being under quarantine, the security guard lets Ethan in anyways." Edge said.
"GOD! This movie makes no sense!" Edge yelled, clutching his head in pain. "First, Ethan easily finds Sarah, then goes all the way to her house just to find out which hospital she's at, then he can just go into her ward despite being under quarantine! It's obvious this script is written by people suffering from ADD!"
"Ethan and Sarah meet each other for the first time and at this time; you will all start to notice one of the film's biggest problem besides the lazy and bad writing. All of the film's actors look bored throughout the entire film!" Darren yelled. "Seriously, you think Ethan and Sarah would show some emotion when they see each other for the first time! But no! They just stare at each other with dull expressions! In fact it's not just here either! The earlier scene where Jack tells the dumbass story to young Ethan, he doesn't show any real emotions whatsoever when we watched him tell the story. That's well people would find it really uncomfortable when they first saw this scene, thinking that Jack is a creepy pedophile. Bruce also doesn't show any emotions despite one scene where he's supposed to be frustrated with Ethan, but when he shouts at him, it doesn't really show any anger in his tone whatsoever. Throughout this entire shitstorm of a movie, nobody ever shows any real emotion whatsoever and just stay as one-dimensional characters! The ONLY character who does show any real emotions in this film is Brandy, and too bad she only appears in one or two scenes before dying!"
"So Ethan and Sarah just awkwardly exchange a few words of dialogue when suddenly, the Buraki is now circling around the hospital. AGAIN, nobody notices this at all!" TD said. "Is this the 28 Days Later version of Los Angeles?!"
As a nurse is untying the restraining jacket that the zookeeper is wearing, the zookeeper widens his eyes as he sees the Buraki outside the window.
"I hate to say this…but the giant snake is in this hospital right now." The zookeeper said. "Look! He closes his eyes and turns away. "At your window!"
The Buraki then moves away from the window and out of view, just in time too as when the therapist turns to her window, she sees nothing. The therapist turns back to the zookeeper and sighed in annoyance.
"Tie him again. He needs to be hospitalized." The therapist said. The zookeeper opens his eyes and groans.
"OH GOD!" The zookeeper yelled as the nurse ties the restraints again. "COME ON! I SWEAR!"
"Hooray!" Soul said, clapping his hands. "That entire zookeeper subplot was all worth it for this cliché 'look behind you' joke!"
The doctor bursts into Sarah's ward as the alarm rang throughout the entire hospital. "You got to get Sarah out of here, quick!" The doctor said to Ethan and Sarah.
"Wait what?" Darren widens his eyes. "Has the doctor finally become aware of the film's plot?"
"After the doctor helps Ethan and Sarah escape, it turns out the doctor is Jack." Edge said. "So what, does Bochun has shape shifting powers now?"
"Ethan and Sarah get into Bruce's car, just as the Buraki bursts into the car park and chases after all." Soul said. "Oh and it seems Bruce clearly hasn't had enough wee to imagine he's being chased by a giant serpent right now."
"What's that?" Soul deadpanned, turning his head with a dull and bored expression on his face. "A giant serpent is chasing after us? Okay." He shrugged as he turns back to the front and pretends he's driving.
"As soon as the three leave the hospital's car park, the Buraki just…stops and hisses." Edge said.
"Are you kidding me?! This GIANT SERPENT couldn't catch up to a car?!" Edge yelled angrily. "This serpent is as incompetent as The Fallen from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen!"
"REDUNDANCY!" Darren shouted, pumping his fists up in the air.
"Oh shut up!" Edge yelled at Darren in annoyance.
"Ethan, Sarah and Bruce continue driving down the road until they crash into the evil guy from earlier." TD said.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" All four laughed out loud.
"WOW. That effect when the evil guy gets hit by Bruce's car look SO DAMN fake!" Soul laughed in amusement.
"So it turns out that the evil guy is the Atrox Army leader. The leader tries to get up and take Sarah away but Bruce gets out of the car and holds up a gun, because all news cameramen carry guns right?" Soul said.
Bruce just stood where he is until the Atrox Army leader summons his shield. After that, Bruce finally starts firing his gun, only to have the bullets being deflected by the leader's shield. He kept shooting until he ran out of bullets.
"Yeah, you should have shot him before he gets out his shield or shoot him at his legs or something, dumbass." TD said.
"So our hero tries to fight the Atroy Army leader with…a plank of wood. I know what's going to happen…" Darren said.
Ethan slams the wood onto the leader's back, but the wood breaks in half. The leader turns around and grabs Ethan by his throat.
"Well, I knew it." Darren shrugs.
"Sheesh, this hero is as incompetent as Batthan's Ethan Tidwell!" Edge said. Then, he widens his eyes. "Wait a minute. That's it! Ethan Kendrick is like Ethan Tidwell! Both of them are useless heroes who just take precious screen-time away from other characters who ACTUALLY do something! At least Jack was able to take out a few thugs but this guy on the other hand doesn't know how to fight at all! Both of them are as three-dimensional as a square!"
"Ethan Kendrick everybody!" TD said, spreading out his arms. "Korea's answer to Batthan!"
"Oh look! Even Bruce is now competent than Ethan because he manage to steal the Atrox Army leader's sword. But the Atrox Army leader makes his sword disappears and easily knocks out Bruce." Edge said. "The Atrox Army leader then…walks over to the middle of the road and gets knock out by another car and the effect is even faker this time."
"And we have NO idea WHY is he walking down the middle of the road in the first place. You may argue he's trying to get Sarah while our heroes are down but he ISN'T because he's clearly walking over to the car's path." Edge said, folding his arms.
"OH LOOK!" Darren said as he points his finger to his right. "HEADLIGHTS!" He gets up and pretends to get hit by an oncoming vehicle.
"After Ethan and Sarah escape, the FBI received word that Sarah Daniels has gone missing from the hospital." Darren said. "Yeah, this is something we didn't point out earlier. Throughout the film, the FBI is looking for Sarah because they believe she's linked to the incident in LA. But EVERY TIME we cut to the FBI, they only appear on screen for thirty seconds before we cut back to Ethan or somebody else."
"What is the reason for this?" TD asked.
Soul rubs his chin for a moment before saying, "Maybe because the entire FBI subplot is…pointless." Darren, TD and Edge turn to Soul and stare at him. "What? It may be true. If they only had a few minutes of screen time, that means…they're just there." Soul shrugged.
Darren, TD and Edge continue staring at Soul for a few seconds before they laughed.
"No no, that can't be true." TD said.
"Yeah, I'm sure they will eventually do something in this film." Darren added.
"Yeah, come on Soul." Edge said, shaking his head.
"Whatever." Soul rolls his eyes.
"Meanwhile, the Atrox Army leader goes to Jack's store and summons his army from the scrolls so that he can help the Buraki." Soul said.
"So, if Jack has trapped the entire Atrox Army into the scrolls, why doesn't he just burn the scrolls?" Soul said.
"Because it makes too much sense!" Darren answered before he, Soul, Edge and TD slap themselves on their heads.
"By the way, you got to LOVE the names of these evil creatures. Buraki, Atrox Army, Dawdler, and Bulcos. All of them not sounding creative at the slightest. It's like they got all these names from amateur novel writers or people who claim to be fans of the Fantasy genre but they actually lack knowledge of it." Edge said.
"The next day, the driver of the car drops Ethan and Sarah off. Of course, Ethan doesn't find it suspicious AT ALL that this woman is helping them." TD said. "And then we find out that the woman is actually Jack in disguise."
"Good lord! This Jack is like a Deus Ex Machina machine!" Darren said.
"And really Jack? Are you really NOT going to train Ethan to fight the Buraki and Atrox Army or telling him where the Good Imoogi and the Grand Cave is? Sir, our world is about to be destroyed and you are not training our hero!" Edge yelled.
"Meanwhile, the Secretary of Defense visits the FBI and upon arriving, they tell him the information they have gathered about the Buraki." Soul said.
"This thing that is causing all the havoc…" The secretary said. "What do we know about it?"
"It appears this creature seems reptilian but our zoology experts don't know what it is." A young male FBI agent said to him. "On the basis of its size and speed and the makeup of its scales…we can only conclude its foreign in nature."
"NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" All four yelled in unison.
"A creature that is giant-sized, fast-speed and has scales that nobody has seen before is foreign in nature? Who would have thought?" TD said melodramatically, placing his hands on his cheeks.
"Could be a prehistoric animal…"A female FBI agent said to the secretary as she stood up. She paused for a moment before saying, "Well sir um…some of our agents have found some similarities to…and old legend."
"A legend?" The secretary said.
"Oh, so the FBI, America's most intelligent governmental agency, deduces that the creature is from an old legend eh?" Darren said before shrugging. "I guess that works."
"The FBI deduced they need to find Sarah and start their search." Soul said.
"Meanwhile, Ethan and Sarah are trying to figure out what is going on. Wha-why? Didn't Sarah already know something terrible is going to happen and Ethan now knows that the Buraki is real? WHAT THE HELL?!" Darren yelled.
"What if I'm the cause, the reason for all of this?" Sarah said hoarsely.
"Sarah…" Ethan said as he places his hand on her shoulder. "You know it's not true."
"YES IT'S TRUE!" TD shouted. "SHE'S THE YUH YI JOO AND HAS THE SACRED POWER WHICH THE BURAKI IS LOOKING FOR!"
"And then the two start kissing each other." Soul said.
"I know they love each other in their previous lives but they only known each other for a couple of hours!" Soul yelled in annoyance.
"Meanwhile, the US army arrives at the cave where the Buraki is hiding. Wow, that was quick. If they were that fast, they could have found Osama within a few days into the war against terrorism!" Darren said.
The soldiers cautiously walk into the cave until they reach a deep hole. Suddenly, the Buraki emerges from the hole causing the soldiers to scream in panic and run away.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" TD shouted, flailing his arms wildly. "RUN AWAY! It's not like we have guns or anything! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
"But when they actually do use their guns however…" TD said.
After the soldiers run out of the cave, they randomly shoot their guns into the air.
"Um guys, only start shooting when the Buraki is out of the cave!" Darren yelled.
When the Buraki comes out of the cave, the soldiers continue firing their rifles as they move away. They then turn around and see several dead soldiers lying on the ground and their helicopter has been shot down. They now fire their rifles at the Atrox Army who are blocking their bullets with their shields.
"Yeah guys um, unless you have armor-piercing rounds, I don't think firing bullets at people with heavy metal armor and stainless steel shields is a good idea!" Soul said.
As the soldiers continue firing, the Atrox Army leader swings his sword, causing an explosion which kills all the remaining soldiers.
"You know, there's something I don't get. The Atrox Army is only armed with swords and shield. Nothing else. And yet…they still manage to kill an entire army armed with rifles and shotguns and also somehow managed to destroy a helicopter while it's still in midair!" Darren said. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"
"Meanwhile, Ethan takes Sarah to a hypnotherapist who is his friend. God, this is stupid." Soul said. "As Sarah closes her eyes, she has visions of her childhood and her previous life and pulls off an exorcism by floating above the bed. But uh-oh! Here comes the Buraki!"
"We got to go!" Ethan said to the hypnotherapist as he runs out of the house with Sarah.
"We are going to leave you to die now, bye!" Soul said as he waves his hand goodbye.
After Ethan and Sarah run away, the Buraki smashes though the hypnotherapist's house.
"Wow, another life taken away. You truly are the suckiest hero ever, Ethan." Edge said.
"Ethan and Sarah drives off in a pizza delivery truck with the Buraki chasing them from behind. Then…the Buraki stops AGAIN." TD said.
"I'm sorry! We still can't get over how a giant serpent couldn't catch up to a normal automated vehicle! It's just impossible!" TD yelled in frustration.
"And yes people, that whole scene with the hypnotherapy is completely pointless!" Darren said, nodding his head. "I sure do love movies which give us mindless padding just to fill up the 90 minute mark!"
"Ethan calls Bruce to get a helicopter so that he and Sarah can fly out of the city. Our hero ladies and gentlemen! Running away from battle like a coward!" Soul said. "Seriously, he and Batthan should hang out together some time."
"Before Ethan leaves, Bruce hands him a gun, although it's hard to tell because of the distant camera angles." Darren said.
"But don't worry if you miss it because he never uses it later on." Darren said.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen…" Soul said. "Get ready for an entire one-minute scene that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Are you ready?"
'She has the Yuh Yi Joo…' Ethan thought as he puts the gun into his pocket. 'But I must change her fate.'
"Ethan." A voice said. Ethan turns around and sees Jack walking over to him.
"Oh hey Jack! Where the hell have you been when Ethan and Sarah were being chased by the Buraki?!" TD yelled.
"There's no place you can take her that will allow her to escape her destiny." Jack added.
"Wow…that's both dark and cruel. Why is he a Heavenly warrior again?" Edge said.
"Don't be foolish this time; you must take her to the Grand Cave!"
"WHY NOT TELL HIM WHERE THIS GRAND CAVE IS, GOD DAMMIT?!" Darren shouted in annoyance.
"I'm getting real tired of this destiny crap, Jack." Ethan said in a dull tone.
"Yup, I'm very angry with you Jack. Do you notice the anger in my tone?" Soul said in a monotone voice.
"Let me handle this my way."
"Yeah, I'm going to put 7 billion of lives at risk just so that I can spend years finding a way to save one single life without sacrificing her to the Good Imoogi!" TD said.
"Ethan…" Jack said. "You and I have been given a great honor. To save this world from a dreadful fate."
"If you have the honor to save this world, why aren't you doing your part to help Ethan and Sarah then, you idiotic hypocrite?!" Edge yelled.
"Deny this…and you will deny yourself everything…" Jack added. "Even the girl."
"Yup, by not letting Sarah get sacrificed to the Good Imoogi, I not only deny to save the world but also deny to save Sarah!" Darren said. "Wait, what?"
Ethan remained silent for a moment, before gently pushing Jack aside and leaves the kitchen.
All four looked annoyed as they sat silently on their couch.
"This movie can go literally fuck itself for that one minute of stupidity." Darren spoke up.
"The evil Buraki appears again and Ethan and Sarah run into Bruce AGAIN." Darren said.
"What is the point of having him leave and then run into him two minutes later?!" Darren yelled. "This movie's writing is so sloppy!"
"But then that turns out to be pointless because just thirty seconds later, the Buraki tosses a car over to Bruce's car and blocks it path." TD said.
"Did the writers have ADD?! They seem incompetent in focusing on anything beyond a couple of minutes!" TD yelled.
Just as Ethan and Sarah get out of the car, the Buraki roars at them. The two hug each other while the Buraki slithers over to them and sneers at them ferociously. Suddenly, a group of policemen fire their guns at them, prompting the Buraki to back away from the two and roar at the police. Ethan and Sarah quickly take this chance to escape.
"Oh yeah, maybe I should have just eat them instead of just sneer at them." Soul said before slapping himself stupid.
"Meanwhile, the Atrox Army leader makes his speech to his…"Edge sighed. "Mordor ripoff army."
"We must possess the Yuh Yi Joo." The Atrox Army leader said to his soldiers. "500 years we've waited for another chance to change destiny. Without fail, we must deliver her to our altar where the Buraki awaits to transform into a dragon!"
We cut to a scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
"A new power is rising!" Saruman yelled to his Uruk-hai army from the balcony of his tower. "It's victory is at hand!" The Uruk-hai army stomps in response.
"Meanwhile, Ethan and Sarah run to the top of the US Bank Tower where the helicopter is waiting for them. The Buraki heads over to the tower while crashing through tons of vehicles, thanks to Ethan for choosing not saving Los Angeles, and upon arriving, he climbs up and heads towards the top where the helicopter is waiting." Darren said.
"All units to Liberty Building!" A policeman said into his radio while sitting in his police car.
Meanwhile, the FBI agents heard his voice through their radio in their car. "Repeat! I need all units to Liberty Building!"
"It's the Library Tower, NOT the Liberty Building, dumbasses!" Darren shouted.
"Ethan and Sarah boards into the helicopter and take off. However, just as they do so, the Buraki caught up to them and bites the helicopter. Ethan and Sarah jumps off before the Buraki throws it to the ground." Soul said. "The Buraki continues roaring again instead of just, you know, eat them when suddenly the army helicopters arrive, firing at the giant serpent and we get ourselves our King Kong moment."
"We would rather watch the 70's version than this garbage!" Soul said.
"And now, what follows next is a battle scene that lasts for TEN FRICKING MINUTES as the US army engages with the Atrox Army. This is clearly the real purpose of this movie as several scenes from this battle are shown in the official trailer." Darren said. "All we see is US Army helicopters and Bulcos firing at each other, the Atrox Army and their Dawdlers somehow defeating the US soldiers and their tanks even though the US Army has RIFLES and TANKS while the Atrox Army foot soldiers just have swords and explosions occurring everywhere in Los Angeles. And what does our hero Ethan do during all of this? Just hiding and running away with Sarah. So much for being the reincarnation of Haram huh?"
"But even though this entire battle scene is impressive and has more carnage than a Michael Bay movie, it is COMPLETELY irrelevant to the plot!" TD said.
"Since the main focus of this movie was the US Army and the Atrox Army fighting each other, why didn't they just make this film about the two armies fighting each other instead of adding some bullshit story about the Imoogis and the Yuh Yi Joo?!" Soul said.
Edge sighed and said, "It just keeps going on and on and on and on until this battle scene just becomes boring and mind-numbingly repetitive. Can we just go back to the main story now?!"
"In the middle of this, the FBI agents found Ethan and Sarah and take them away from the fight. But when they bring them to a warehouse, it turns out one of the FBI agents is planning to kill Sarah." Soul said.
"This is your solution?" Ethan asked in shock.
"We know about Yuh Yi Joo. Filed under sophisticated paranormal unit." The FBI agent said.
"You can't do this. This is insane!" Ethan said. "You're the FBI!"
"Actually Ethan," Darren said. "Not trying to be an ass but…isn't that a great idea? I mean think about it, if they kill Sarah now, they can make the Buraki and the Atrox Army go away and prevent more people from getting killed. The End!"
"Yeah, that's true! And since you're doing absolutely nothing to save our world, Ethan, maybe it's best if they just go right ahead and kill Sarah!" TD said. "Do it FBI!"
After the FBI agent push Ethan away from Sarah, he and the girl just stare at each other.
"Look, if you kill her, those creatures will still come back." Ethan said.
"Right, in another 500 years." The FBI agent said.
"EXACTLY!" The four yelled in unison.
"The FBI agent then takes out his gun and tries to shoot Sarah. But Ethan quickly gets in the way and gets shot in the shoulder. And Sarah…doesn't seem to show any emotion that Ethan got shot and that the agent is about to kill her." Soul said. "At this point, let's just get over it."
"The other FBI agent however shoots the agent, saving Sarah and Ethan. Ethan gets up perfectly fine DESPITE BEING SHOT IN THE SHOULDER and the agent gives them his car keys, letting them go." Edge said.
"Which means…" Darren gapes his mouth open, realizing the horrible truth. "The ENTIRE FBI subplot was…POINTLESS?!"
"Ha! I knew it!" Soul said, pumping his fist into the air.
"OH COME ON!" Darren, TD and Edge whined.
"YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING!" Edge yelled.
"Well done movie! At this point, I'm now TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!" Darren shouted angrily.
"Ethan and Sarah plan to drive all the way to Mexico." TD said.
"Is this my fate Ethan?" Sarah asked sadly as she sat next to Ethan.
"Fate is what brought me to you." Ethan said to her while driving. "There's a Korean proverb that says 'Only meeting a person by chance makes an everlasting bond.'"
"Ummm, since when are you fascinated by Korean proverbs, Ethan?" Soul said.
"We can change fate…" Ethan said. "We can change our destiny." He turns to Sarah. "Do you believe in me?"
"Ummm, seeing how incompetent you are throughout the entire film, I SHOULDN'T believe in you." Darren said.
"After Sarah revealed today is her 20th birthday, the Bulcos found them and attack the two. They managed to hit their car with their fire blasts and knocking the two unconscious. When Ethan wakes up, he's…" Edge gasped. "IN THE MIDDLE OF MORDOR?!"
"Seriously! Peter Jackson should sue these bastards who made this film because the castle looks SO FUCKING IDENTICAL!" Edge shouted angrily.
"Also, where the hell are we?! Are we still on Earth or are they now trapped in a horrible nightmare?!" TD shouted.
"The Atrox Army gathered in front of the castle and takes Sarah over to the altar. The Buraki comes out and the army prepares to sacrifice Sarah so that he can become a dragon." Darren said. "Well, it looks like all hope is lost. Thanks to Ethan's ignorance for not accepting his destiny to save our world and Jack's uselessness in not helping Ethan and Sarah and guiding them to this Grand Cave throughout the entire film, I can tell the entire world is doomed. Nice going, dipshits."
"SARAH!" Ethan shouted again when suddenly, his pendant glows brightly and lightning claps in the sky, causing the Atrox Army to turn their heads around, wondering what's going on.
"But wait, what's this?" Darren asked as he, TD, Soul and Edge lean closer to the screen.
Suddenly, a beam of bright light comes down from the sky and hits Ethan's pendant, causing a huge explosion throughout the castle. The Buraki and the Atrox Army fall to the ground after getting hit by the impact. The ground below the army then breaks apart, causing all the soldiers to plummet to their deaths. The impact also destroyed the castle and its statues and all the remaining Atrox Army soldiers and Dawdlers who are still lying on the ground are ignited by the explosion and they all burn into ash and fade away from existence.
Darren, Soul, TD and Edge all silently gape their mouths wide open as if their jaws have hit the ground. Then, the four yell in unison.
"I mean, MY GOD! That is the absolutely WORST DEUS EX MACHINA I EVER SEEN! I mean forget Batthan's bullshit chains that neutralize Saiyans powers which he use in all of his gender-switch fanmakes, this…THIS IS DEPLORABLE! Ethan's pendant just SUDDENLY comes to life and wipes out the ENTIRE Atrox Army in one fatal blow! SUCK…MY…BALLS!" Darren shouted angrily.
"I…I just….UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!" Darren growls in frustration as he pulls his hair.
"But somehow, the Atrox Army leader survived the explosion and tries to use his sword to kill Sarah. But wait, Ethan picks up a sword and fights the leader!" TD said. "Is this it? Will Ethan FINALLY has the balls to fight in this movie?!"
Ethan and the Atrox Army leader get into the battle stances. The Atrox Army leader then swings his sword first. Ethan blocks it but the leader easily knocks him back and sends him falling down the stairs.
('Wah wah' music plays)
"THIS IS THE ABSOLUTELY WORST PROTAGONIST WE EVER SEEN IN OUR LIVES!" TD shouted.
"The Atrox Army leader tries to kill Ethan but it's Deus Ex Bullshit time again as the leader accidentally swings his sword at the pendant which electrocutes him, killing him for good this time." Edge said.
"Seriously, this is super duper cheating!" Edge said. "How come the pendant didn't come to life BEFORE?! THIS MOVIE WOULD BE OVER!"
"The Buraki wakes up as Ethan frees Sarah from the altar. Ethan tries to protect Sarah but the Buraki knocks him back, sending him falling down the stairs again." Darren said. "UGH! This hero makes Shinji Ikari look like Squall Leonhart!"
"The Buraki tries to eat Sarah when suddenly, the Good Imoogi shows up and attacks him." Soul said.
"FINALLY! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU SHOW UP! Where the hell have you been while the world is being damaged by the Buraki?!" Soul shouted.
"Ah well, at least now that the Buraki and the Good Imoogi are fighting each other, we finally get the Dragon Wars we are promised right?" TD said, smiling.
"Actually no." Darren said to TD. "Because neither are dragons yet!"
"DAMMIT!" TD yelled, slamming his fist onto the couch.
"So the Buraki and the Good Imoogi engaged each other in a fight. But I don't know, their fight reminds me more of a snake orgy. I don't think parents will find this appropriate for kids." Edge said. "The Buraki defeats the Good Imoogi and even though he is going to destroy the world, Sarah just sacrificed the Yuh Yi Joo to him ANYWAY."
"I knew this were to happen." Sarah said to Ethan in a dull expression. "They waited five hundred years for me. It's the only way."
"I just want to die now. Goodbye." Edge said dully and waving farewell.
"Sarah then summons the Yuh Yi Joo in front of the Buraki and SOMEHOW, she redirects it to the Good Imoogi before she dies." Darren said. "At this point, don't even ask how. The two Imoogis fight each other again and this time, the Good Imoogi transforms into a proper Korean dragon."
"FINALLY! EIGHTY-EIGHT MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE AND WE ACTUALLY SEE A DRAGON!" Darren shouted.
"But don't get to attach because after a quick two-minute scuffle, the Dragon simply defeats the Buraki by shooting a fireball into his mouth, incinerating him." Soul said.
"So much for an awesome climax." Soul said, rolling his eyes.
"The spirit of Sarah then reappears to Ethan." TD said.
"Ethan, don't be sad…" Sarah's spirit smiled at him. "I'll love you for all of eternity."
Darren, Soul, TD and Edge grab their mouths, quickly each grab a bucket and vomit into them.
"The Dragon then takes the Yuh Yi Joo with him and after having a little cry, flies up to the heavens above." Darren said.
Ethan watched as the Dragon ascends up to heaven. When the sky becomes bright again and the Dragon is out of sight, Ethan is about to leave the area when suddenly, he hears a voice.
"You and I have been given a great honor. This is your destiny…"
Ethan turns around and sees Jack, who then fades away and disappears.
"OH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, YOU USELESS BASTARD!" Darren shouted.
"So Ethan walks away, hoping him could find a taxi in the middle of nowhere to take him back to Los Angeles, and the credits roll." Soul said.
"THIS!" Darren shouted. Then suddenly, he lies back on the couch and smiles. "This is actually the best movie I ever seen in a while."
He remain silent for a few seconds before he leans forward and shouts, "OF COURSE THIS MOVIE SUCKS! THIS MOVIE IS THE ABSOLUTELY WORST PIECE OF SHIT I EVER SEEN!"
We see several scenes from the movie.
"I mean my God! NINETY MINUTES OF DULL ACTING, BAD WRITING, AND POINTLESS SUBPLOTS THAT GO ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE!" Darren shouted.
"The plot and dialogue are so horrendously cliché and badly written that you are better off reading Internet fanfictions. It also contains subplots which go absolutely nowhere and only serve to confuse the audience even further." Soul said.
"All the actors' performances, with the exception of a few, are soooooo dull that you are wondering if the actors themselves feel bored throughout the entire running time or are just doing this to earn a quick paycheck." Edge said.
"And the most insulting of all is the final part where we see the absolute worst Deus Ex Machina ever and a climax that fails to satisfy its audience at any level. And despite being called Dragon Wars, THERE IS ONLY ONE DRAGON and he only appears at the VERY END. It should have been called Serpent Wars." TD said.
"THIS MOVIE CAN LITERALLY GO FUCK ITSELF! THE END!" Darren yelled.
Suddenly, Darren, Soul, TD and Edge widen their eyes and look around as the building starts to shake and rumble.
"What's happening?!" Soul said.
Suddenly, Hurricane's Quill bursts into the room. "Guys! This is bad!" Quill said to the four.
"What's going on, Quill?" Edge asked.
"The headquarters and the city of Los Angeles is under attack by a giant serpent!" Quill shouted.
"WHAT?!" The four shouted in unison.
"Wow, this is ironic because we just finished watching a movie that is about a giant serpent attacking LA!" TD said.
Darren gasped and said, "OF COURSE!"
"What?" Soul, Quill, TD and Edge asked.
"IT'S THIS MOVIE!" Darren shuted, pointing at the DVD player. "The world is coming to an end because of this movie that is presently being watched! This is the movie that Rachel wanted me to destroy! If I don't destroy it, it shall be the end of the world!"
"How do we destroy it then?!" Edge asked Darren.
"Let me take him to the place where he can destroy it." A voice said. The five boys widen their eyes as Rachel magically appears in front of them.
"Darren!" Rachel said, taking the disc out of the DVD player and tosses it to Darren, who catches it. "We must destroy it!" She extends out her hand. "Come with me!"
"Okay!" Darren said before going over to Rachel. He then turns to Soul, Quill, Edge and TD. "This is it guys, wish me luck."
"Farewell Darren." TD said, saluting to him.
"Save our world godammit and don't be another Ethan Kendrick." Soul said solemnly.
"Got it!" Darren replied.
"It's been nice knowing you." Edge said, nodding his head.
"Hurry! Let's go!" Rachel said to Darren. Darren turns to the girl and grabs her hand. Rachel then teleports Darren and herself out of the building.
Rachel and Darren are now teleported to another building. Darren looks around and finds the building familiar.
"Wait? The Citadel from Mass Effect? What are we doing here?" Darren asked.
Rachel points her finger at something. Darren turns his head to the direction where Rachel is pointing and sees a huge beam of energy bursting out at the middle of the room.
"That is the Crucible. It's the only thing in existence that has the power to stop the end of the world." Rachel said.
"How do I activate it?" Darren asked. Rachel turns to him.
"By sacrificing yourself." She said solemnly. Darren widens his eyes.
"Wait…" Darren turns to Rachel. "Does that mean…I have to forfeit my life?"
Rachel frowned deeply and said to him, "Your time in this world has ended. It is time for you to go back to your own."
"My own?" Darren asked. "You mean this world I'm in…isn't really the world I lived in?" He looks down at the disc of Dragon Wars he has in his hand.
He looks back at Rachel and said, "But, my life in this world has been great." He looks up and looks back down at Rachel. "Okay, not TOTALLY great but still, I at least get to do something awesome in this world, fighting evil and all. What will happen to me if I go back to my real world? How is life going to be for me if I go back to my reality?"
Rachel closes her eyes and nods her head. "That is something I cannot answer. It is for you to discover on your own. But don't worry." She looks back at Darren and smiled. "After all the pain and suffering you went through in this world, it's best if you start a whole new life when you get back to your own reality. I'm sure within time, you WILL find happiness again. Never give up…and keep looking forward."
Darren looks back at the disc again, before looking back at Rachel.
"I've made my decision." He said.
"Do it." Rachel said.
Darren turns to the Crucible. Then, he takes a deep breath before sprinting towards the huge beam of energy. As he sprints, pieces of his memories in this world began to flash before his eyes.
Noel…Ragna…Erza…CC…Allelujah…TLSoulDude…Lion's Edge…Titanic Disaster…all smiling at him…
Darren closes his eyes. He sprints faster until he reaches the edge. He then jumps off and plummets down to the bottom of the beam. As he does so, his body slowly burns into ash and the disc in his hand slowly incinerates in flames.
The movie is destroyed…
But so is Darren himself…
Meanwhile, the city of Los Angeles is suffering heavy damage. The Buraki roars loudly as TLSoulDude, Lion's Edge, Hurricane's Quill, Shadow DJ, JC 619, Titanic Disaster, the LAPD and the US Army try to fight back the evil monster.
Soul, Edge, Quill, Shadow, JC and TD fight back the monster with their powers and abilities. The Buraki looks down at them, ready to attack the heroes. But suddenly, lightning claps in the sky, causing the Buraki and the humans to look around puzzled. Then, a huge beam of light comes down from the sky and hits the Buraki. The Buraki screams in pain and agony as the heat and bright light slowly burns him. Soul, Edge, Quill, Shadow, JC, TD, the LAPD and the US Army cheered triumphantly as they watched the Buraki slowly incinerate and wiping itself away from existence.
The next day…
As everyone in Los Angeles are now busy fixing the damages the Buraki has caused yesterday, a statue was erected in front of the HQ. As TD, Soul, Edge, Shadow and JC stood in front of it, Quill removes the blanket, revealing a stone statue of Darren himself. They all clapped and couldn't help but shed a tear for their fallen hero.
"It's hard to believe he's gone…" TD said, hanging his head. JC places a hand on his back to comfort him.
Soul lets out a sigh. "Come on guys, we should be happy for him. At least now…" He looks skyward as a smile appears on his face. "He's in a better place…"
Edge nods his head in agreement. "We will never forget you Darren. Farewell…"
Someone opened his eyes and squinted as the light burned into them. When his vision becomes clearer, he turns his head around to look where he's at. He soon realized he's in a hospital ward. Why?
He looks to the front and sees a girl resting her head on his lap.
"Sis?" He said.
The girl slowly wakes up and when her vision becomes clear, she gasped and widens her eyes in shock.
Darren frowned at his sister and nods his head. "Yes. I'm here."
Tears freely fell from his sister's eyes. She quickly wipes them and wraps her arms around her brother. Darren hugs back his sister as she cries into his chest.
"It's been two years brother! Two years!" His sister sobbed.
"Two years? Am I really gone for that long?" Darren asked. His sister nodded. Suddenly, two more figures open the door and enter the ward. Darren looks up and sees the shocked expressions on his parents' faces.
"Darren?" His mother asked.
"Son?" His father added.
Darren smiled at them and nods his head. "Mom. Dad." He simply said. His parents go over to Darren and the entire family all gave each other and tearful reuniting hug.
"Guys…" Darren said as a smile appears on his face. "I'm back…"
One week later…
It's been three days since Darren is discharged from the hospital and he's back in his old room, lying on his bed.
"I can't believe I'm back…to reality…" He said to himself. He then gets up from his bed and leaves the room. As he leaves, he bumps into his sister.
"Hi brother!" His sister smiled at him.
"Yeah hi." Darren smiled back.
"Where are you going?"
Darren shrugged. "Just want to take a walk. It's been two years since I'm gone after all."
His sister nodded. "Good idea. After all, you really need to gain back your muscles and energy after being in a coma for so long."
Darren chuckled. "Bye, sis."
"Bye." He and his sister wave each other goodbye before Darren walks over to the door, put on his shoes and leaves the house.
Darren is now standing in front of the Singapore River with the magnificent view of the city of Singapore in his eyes. Darren feels both happy…and sad at the same time.
He is happy that he's back in reality and reunited with his family…but at the same time, he feels sad too that he has left the other world. But maybe…Rachel was right. After his breakup with Noel and his friends slowly leaving his group until he's all alone…maybe it's best if he just moved on as well.
Darren lets out a sigh before turning away from the river. Unfortunately, he doesn't see where he's going and accidentally knocks into another person. The bump causes the person to drop her books onto the ground.
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" Darren panicked as he kneels down and quickly picks up the books for the girl.
"Oh no, it's okay! I'm the one at fault here!" The girl said as she picks up her own books as well. She speaks in a somewhat New Zealander accent.
"Oh no, I should be the one is blamed because I…" Darren was about to pick up a book when the girl touches his hand. Darren looks up finally seeing this girl. Upon first sight, he looks stunned.
The girl has green eyes and has long blonde hair. She wears a green sleeveless zipper shirt, a white shirt underneath it, grey shorts, brown belt with a silver buckle, black stockings and white boots.
'She looks just like Noel…' He thought.
The girl smiles at him and said, "Please, don't blame yourself." She looks down and picks up her book. After she got back all her books, the two stood up and Darren hands her the books he picked up for her.
"Thanks for helping by the way." The girl thanked Darren, who nods his head. "What's your name?"
"Darren." Darren introduced himself. "You?"
"Alicia." Alicia smiled. "I'm on my way to an anime convention by the way."
Darren widens his eyes and said, "An anime convention is happening right now? Awesome! I love anime cons!"
Alicia laughed and shows him one of the books in her arms. "This is Ao No Exorcist, one of my favorite mangas."
Darren looks at the other books she's carrying and said, "So these books are mangas? And holy crap, there's also Fairy Tail and Gintama!"
Alicia laughed and said, "Well, I think I should be going now. It was nice knowing you." She walks pass Darren, but the boy spoke up, causing her to stop.
"Wait." Darren said to her. Alicia turns back to him. He smiled at her. "Mind if I join you?"
A smile appears on Alicia's face and she extends out her hand. "Sure."
Darren smiled warmly as he closes his eyes. 'You are right Rachel…I did find happiness again.'
He looks back up at Alicia and takes her hand. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful new friendship." Alicia giggled.
Darren chuckled in response. "Of course." He said.
With that, the two hold hands and walk together, head their way to the convention.
'Remember Darren…' A calm voice said. 'Keep looking forward…'
Sovereign: And that's the end of my D-War review and sadly…yes, the Mercenary critic has finally come to an end. So, what will the future hold for me? Well sadly, I don't think I will ever write Cartoon X-Overs stories again due to events in the past and I'll now focus on writing stories in other categories (Mostly Fairy Tail). But still, I would like to thank EVERYBODY who has reviewed the Mercenary Critic in the past. But now, it's time for me to put down my cap and retire…
Until we meet again…read and review…