Summary: When I woke up, dressed as a slutty sugar plum fairy with one man ugg on and a picture of Naruto stuck to my chest, I realised last night couldn't have gone well.
Warnings: Alcohol reference, lemon flavourings, nudity.
Couples: Hint of SasuNaru
When I woke up, dressed as a slutty sugar plum fairy with one man ugg on and a picture of Naruto stuck to my chest, I realised last night couldn't have gone well.
My eyes slowly made their way open, the light blinding me and my head feeling like it'd been smashed in repeatedly by a sledgehammer covered in acid and lemons.
The first thing I saw was ramen, dried, stuck to the ceiling. Hmm. Interesting.
I sat up, glancing around my room.
"Holy...Fuck." Not only was my Christmas tree burnt it was covered in playing cards, spaghetti bolognaise and what looked like semen, there was also Neji Hyuuga passed out, hugging it.
Well...That almost explains the semen. I groaned, rolling my shoulders and glanced back at my bed, which was fucked up beyond belief-
"Vodka!" I smiled serenely, leaning over and grabbing it. What!? It's hair of the dog!
Anyway. I stood up, flinching when I stepped on a shattered bubal, and slouched through my proper wrecked house.
The picture of my deceased family had cheese duck tapped to it and a permanent marker-ed arrow pointing at Itachi with the scruffy writing of "Sexy Biatch" next to it. Then another illustration on the picture of me saying "A good fuck." Great.
Looking around the house a bit more, whilst avoiding beer bottles and to occasional melon with a hole in and various items of clothing, I reached the living room.
Kiba was lying the fireplace, covered in coal marks, clutching my (very expensive) stereo in one hand and a bottle of Malibu in the other, while wearing a torn santa hat and a gold thong.
"...Ew." I shook my head, and looked around more. My sofa's had been stripped of the cushions, littered with Taco Bell wrappers and a dictionary with the letters "DIC" circled repeatedly in the same pen as earlier.
The floor was covered in sticky stains and there was also a goat, bleating at me with my sock tied to its tail. Did I mention it was partly shaved?
Moving on to the kitchen, while stepping over Shino, who was drooling and hugging a massive, morose looking spider, to see Shikamaru sitting on a stool, with his legs crossed beneath him, gripping an empty bottle of Jack.
"...Shika...?" I asked cautiously. He seemed to be awake...or dead. Either one...I'm hoping he's awake.
"The reindeers were so abusive..." He mumbled. "They were violating...oh so violating..." My eyes widened as I stepped back nervously.
"Okay, Shikamaru...Want some water?"
"Okay..." I shivered, looking around the kitchen to see all the draws open, some forks stuck in the wall, a squirrel hanging by its tail, squirming like hell, above my stove, my sink filled with mince pie fillings and condoms, and my floor covered in mayonnaise.
"Holy...fucking...shit balls." I groaned, walking through my kitchen, avoiding the yellowy stains, to arrive in my brother's room.
Well...This is interesting.
On the walls, in big black graffiti letters, were the words "Naru's my horny fox bitch" scrawled in relatively neat hand writing, along with two stick figures, one with a fox tail, fucking the lights out of each other.
"..." Moving away from the wall, all of Itachi's clothes were covered in icing sugar and what looked like lemons, his cupboard was...containing a possibly dead Choji, his ceiling was almost totally covered in aluminium foil and his window was smashed.
The floor had various items of clothing on, including a reindeer outfit, the other man ugg and a banana hoodie, as well as a large, blow up dolphin floati that has a penis and tits drawn onto it. It also had a rather large moustache and a black eye.
There was a statue, that I have never seen before of a marble woman with her finger pointing to the sky. She was wearing a frilly bra and...Naruto's boxers...
And finally the bed. In Itachi's bed was Naruto wearing a sexy santa outfit, his hair the usual golden blonde and his hands were clutched to his chest, holding something.
When I peered closer, I saw it was the sharpie pen that had drawn on everything, and his key ring, which was one of those cheesy things you got at theme parks. It was of me and him on stealth, when we went on together on our trip to England.
It was a stupid thing to do and the picture showed Naruto, who looked like he was as though he pissed himself, one hand clutching the harness and the other breaking my fingers and me looking almost equally terrified but my eyes were locked on his stupid, cute little face.
I chuckled, glancing down to see his waist was enveloped by a pair of sickly pale arms. Screeching, I leapt back to see that Itachi had his grubby mitts wrapped around my dobe. I then also noticed that Gaara's stomach was acting as Naruto's pillow.
Gaara looked pretty bad, with whiskers drawn onto his cheeks and...eyebrows...along with a note stuck to his cheek which red:
"U r forever in meh debt 4 I gave u ibrows!!! Love NaRu."
But the worst thing was, as he rolled over slightly, a large balled patch had been shaved into his head. I gulped, looking back at the innocent blond, who had the shaver against his chest.
Sneaking my hand down, I grabbed the shaver and pried open Itachi's hands, and nicely placed it in his grasp.
Itachi had platted hair, done like princess leia from Star Wars and red lipstick smudged around his lips. There was also mascara and concealer, another note saying-For the wrinkles ;)
Snorting despite myself, I reached down and shook the snoozing idiot awake.
"Hmm..." I shrugged, shaking him more until I saw the bright eyes open.
"Ooow...Sasu...? SASUKE!!" I was suddenly launched at, getting shoved back onto the floor, an armful of Mrs. Santa dobe.
"Dobe-you fucking stupid-"
"OH MY GOD!"
"You're alive! AH!"
"Fuck sake, Naruto, I have a headache. Shut up."
"Teme, you're alive. Holy shit."
"Why would I be dead?"
"Well...Um...You like...died then we tried to burn the evidence with the Christmas tree that Neji had been making out with but then he ran at it screaming 'It was my only love' and smothered it with pasta. Teme, fuck. I thought you were dead." He grinned, snuggling against my chest.
"Mmm..." I then noticed Naruto was wearing the other man ugg and Lee was attached to the ceiling by ducktape.
"Dobe, why were you in bed with my brother?"
"No, I was in bed with you!"
"No. You thought I was dead, remember?"
"Oh yeah...Then I drank more and thought Itachi was you."
"..." I felt my blood boil. "Did you do anything?!"
"No, teme." He grinned, leaning up and pressing his vodka tasting lips to mine lovingly. "You know you're my only one, baby." The perky blonde shot up suddenly, eyes wide.
"...I need pancakes!" I rolled my eyes, holding my arm out to be hoisted up and dragged to the kitchen.
We ignore Shika, who was now drooling, muttering 'troublesome reindeers' and made crepes.
While eating, with a view of the garden, I looked up to suddenly see Sai, stripped naked and tied to a tree using Naruto's torn shirt, with a large sign saying-
"I HAVE NO PEN15!! NARUTO HAS A MASSIVE ONE. FUCK YOU."
"..." I glanced over at my lovely, adorable, hangover-immune boyfriend who was happily humming while making pancakes. "I love you so much."
"..." He glanced over his shoulder, grinning happily. "Me too teme."
I gazed into the distance, ignoring my stupid naked cousin, and mused. 2010 is gunna be fucking awesome.
Based on true events.