By A disgruntled fan
"Here's Brent Starkisser speaking to today's top space ranger" a familiar flashy smile graced the screen. "I'm going to speak to the young woman taking Star Command by storm, and I don't mean Ranger Nova! She's yesterdays news."
A beautiful figure graces the stage, with her bold charisma showing through her all powerful yet slender and petite stance. "My name is Mary and I am all powerful and FEAR ME." Her real name was really Sunshine Rainbow Spiral Galaxy Quintessence III but everyone just called her Mary Sue.
"Uh hello there Mary" Brent Starkisser gaped at her beautiful form, as if he had never seen such a gem despite the fact that he interviews models all the time and once went out with the famous Vicki Vortex. It must have been her golden blond hair that glimmered like pure sunlight, her eyes as green as the vats of crystallic fusion tanks, or the fact that she was just plain central to any story worth reading, "So, would you like to tell us a little about yourself?"
"Weeeeell," she tapped a finger to her chin, "I have only been at Star Command for about a week, and already I am the top ranger, have more medals than the illustrious Fop Doppler and Buzz Lightyear combined despite their proficiency, and I am one hot tamale!" She had recently single-handedly taken out the Raenok illegal weaponry trading ring, put Torque and all his duplicates behind bars, and foiled the evil emperor's plots ahead of the legendary Buzz Lightyear, even though she was only a cute little fourteen year old prodigy with the entire galaxy at her feet!
Commander Nebula was going to give her yet another raise anytime now.
"So, baby," Brent was going to get a comment in, but she continued to speak, "And I am able to preach about the light of the universe and get everyone to see the error of their ways and convert to the Believers because GOD RULES ALL and RELIGION IS THE ONLY THING TO SAVE YOU FROM HELL."
"What was that?" Brent Starkisser was more than a little confused.
"CHRISTIANITY KNOWS ALL!" came the outburst from mary.
"Riiiiiight," Starkisser pulled at his collar. "Ehehe, do you by any chance know a Miss Miriam Godwindson?"
Mary nodded, "As a matter of fact I do--she's my mentor!"
Somewhere in the Alpha Centari district, a professor Zakharov wept at his genetically enhanced project veered to the side of priests and propaganda, whereas a sly Miriam just laughed "I win."
Back to this galaxy, Brent Starkisser smoothed his blonde hair back, "Ah, well would you like to demonstrate" before he could make another statement a laser beam cut through the wall, causing a hole to form which was kicked out by none other than Warp Darkmatter! Agent Z burst onto the set, "Hey, the camera loves me doll faces," as he used his laser cannon to obliterate several rows of seats.
All seemed doomed except that Mary kept her cool and flipped through the air with her ranger suit ready for action, and to make her features stand out, "Not today blue boy!" she swooped down and saved the innocent kittens and children watching the show before turning her sites on the ne'er do well and making one perfect shot that went directly down the barrel of the cannon causing it to explode in the process.
At the end of the rope, Warp finally admitted his true thoughts "I LOVE YOU MARY SUE ELLEN!"disrupting the entire show.
To which he only earned a cruel laugh from his goddess, "Pffft, I don't need you anymore," she wave a manicured hand at the blue agent, "I've got a new guy in sights now, and you know how they all fall to my feet because I am awesome and FEAR MY EPICNESS."
"But who?"Brent Starkisser and Warp asked in unison from beneath smoking wreckage.
"Oh sweeeeetie pie" a singsong voice called out.
"Damn," Warp muttered in despair because he lost the only person who gave meaning to his life to another ! Brent Starkisser contented himself to look after his false teeth to distract him from the inevitable.
"And there he is," Mary Sue smiled a smug look, for at that instant a mega hornet crashed through the building, causing debris from the ceiling to fall down and batter the set, while Brent and Warp ducked, rolled, and covered for their LIVES. Mary Sue wasn't taking any precautions, still sitting in the comfortable love seat because she was too amazing to die.
From the ashes and dust stepped out none other than the infamous, the illustrious, the most powerful guy in the galaxy; Evil Emperor Zurg.
With a swoop and a wooing he scooped up his little muffin-cakes and swirled her into his strong arms. "Ah dear," thus began the mushy sweet talk, "despite the fact that I have been paired with a slew of humans, humanoids, and other OC's throughout the fandom," the evil emperor put a hand to his chest, "and the fact that you are much younger than I," he knelt down before her, "I only have eyes for you, baby!"
"Then let's go to Vegas Zurg!" she waved her left hand to show a wedding ring because she works that fast. "As long as that's not your real face because who wants an awesome alien when you can have a boring old human idiot to cater to your every desire?"
"Let's!" he ripped off a mask to reveal his dashing human man face before they exited the scene hand in hand as a confused Buzz Lightyear gazed onto the procession. "And I swear unto you that from now on I will save kittens instead of putting them in trees, and even apply to be a ranger so I can spend more time with my little snookums."
"Awwww, you better," Mary Sue affirmed.
The former pride of Star Command watched the two strut off into the double sunset as he bellowed a cry to the heavens that would echo throughout the fandom of Blosc.
" CURSE YOU MARY SUUUUUUES!"
Author's note: I am tired of Mary Sues, OC's, Irken and Lilo inserts, religion being pushed upon the masses—THIS IS A CHILDREN'S SHOW (meaning ONE SHOW not all the cartoons you like pressed into one mushy pot of gruel) and no one is sticking to the script and remaining in character save for a precious few fans. Therefore I give you what you want and offer you a Mary Sue—yet another load to add to the weights dragging this fandom down. They make it so hard to enjoy the show—partially why I couldn't continue my fic any longer! I lacked the inspiration sapped from sorry plotlines. (The other reason was a lack of time, but if you want a decent fic with action and legitimate pairings, go read Eez's fic. It makes sense.)
Also, another major problem is how practically no one portrays the main characters in character. Let me set it for you straight: Buzz Lightyear does not faint except that one time the Chlorms deactivated his chip for eight hours, he is tough and will always beat Zurg because that's how the episodes go, none of Team Lightyear is religious, Zurg is meant to be single and eccentric, he is an ALIEN if you pick up on all the clues and references to an ALIEN HERITAGE, and even if you can't see them, it's more interesting than a boring old human Zurg which is dull, trite, and overdone. This is not Star Wars people—and Buzz is not Luke Skywalker! XR and Mira are in no way shape or form together because they are all just friends, and the only true relationships to ship are Buzz/Ozma, Mira/Romac, or Zurg/shrimp puffs, but I didn't get into the issue in this caricature of the fandom in its entirety.
Further elaboration: I have nothing against Christianity. I in fact think it's my spiritual life, but leave that in your Bibles or Koran or whatever other text you read and keep it in your everyday life—not in a show that has NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING to do with the plot EVER. I mean seriously, has any episode involved Buzz praying to God to whoop Zurg? OF COURSE NOT! Buzz just goes ahead and acts like Chuck Norris. Leave him that way.
Allah be praised if any of this resonates.
FYI: SMAC references were involved.
And now that my rant is over…who wants cake? *gives cake to anyone who realized that this was not a serious fic*