That's No Moon Severus Snape
AN: I own nothing more than this ridiculous idea. However, if you do come looking for me Mr. Lucas, *waves hand in a knowing manner* "I'm not the writer you're looking for" and Madam Rowling, *takes out wand* "Expelliarmus litigatus!"
Severus awoke in a stark white room; it was unfamiliar, cold, sterile. The narrow slab on which he was laying was hard and uncomfortable. As far as he could surmise, this was not a part of the castle, if so; it was a part through which he'd never ventured. His head pounded as if laced with the dull ache of a fading migraine. He squinted against the harsh lights above him. Sliding off the table, he looked for some exit to the room...and found none. He walked from wall to wall, his boots clicking on the slick colorless tiles of the floor. He ran his hands along the reflective, cool surfaces of the walls, still, nothing. A strange sound, rather like the hissing of a snake split the silence. Severus turned, his eyes casting a sharp glance at the noise. Part of the seemingly contiguous wall was sliding up, revealing an ominous figure. The form stepped into the room with an air of authority; his austere black boots landing with heavy footsteps, his inky cape slicing the air behind him, and a cold lifeless mask hiding his face. Then, he breathed...the low mechanical whoosh of air as he took in a breath added to his imposing stature... as it did when he released it, a stark and deathly exhalation.
"Where is the boy?" asked the masked figure with a menacing tone.
"The boy?" Snape said rather lightly while arching his eyebrow.
"I am not in the mood for games. Tell me the location of the boy if you wish to remain breathing comfortably."
At this, Snape could not help but smirk. Obviously, this masked oaf did not know with whom he was dealing. "My, my...petty threats already, when I've hardly had the pleasure of an introduction;" Snape said, his voice as smooth as silk and dark as midnight. The harsh obelisk of a man said nothing to Snape's effrontery tones; instead, he simply raised his arm and held out his hand. He began to clench his fist and Snape felt his throat began to close, shutting off his air supply. Well, this has just become interesting, he thought. He reached to his side and found his wand exactly where it should be. Before his breath was totally severed, he pointed it at his throat and gasped "Anapneo" restoring his oxygen. He then swept his wand towards the other man, an angry glint in his eye as he bellowed out his spell, "Incarcerous!" A stream of thick ropes burst from his wands and bound the sinister figure before him, tying themselves into a veritable Gordian's knot. As the knots tightened, the steady, unnerving breathing of the man continued uninterrupted.
"Impressive," he said, "most impressive." Two of his fingers were left unbound by the ropes. He moved them in an arc ever so slightly and Snape's bindings unraveled and slid from him like a useless pile of noodles.
"Indeed," said Snape arching his eyebrow yet again. Obviously, I have not given this fellow enough credit if he can perform wandless magic with such ease, Snape thought, his wand hand returning to his side.
"You are unwise to lower your defenses!" said the other man suddenly as a sleek metal shaft flew from his side into his outstretched hand. With a crackle, a sizzling red beam emanated from the bolt the man held. Severus raised his wand again, his posture indicating he was ready for a duel.
"I will ask you again...WHERE IS THE BOY?" asked the dark adversary in a rage; his red saber humming with what Snape assumed was dark magic.
"Potter's whereabouts are none of your concern, now prepare yourself!" shouted Snape, raising his arm slightly higher and tilting back on his heel. His teeth were bared and the energy of his magic was crackling around him. The room swirled with an invisible wind, Severus' hair slashed about his cheeks and his robes billowed like the ominous rolling of an ensuing storm. The enemy figure was no less imposing, his dark cape slashing about him like the claws of a demon ripe for havoc; his breathing still as steady and sharp as a razor's edge. The uneasy, slashes of his breath held heavy in the air as he cocked his head ever so slightly and said...
Severus did not drop his guard. He never made the same mistake twice in a battle. "Yes, Potter, the boy, what do you want with him?" Again the breathing permeated the room. The fiery plasmatic blade hissed and then disappeared.
"I do not seek...this...Potter," came the steady reply. "Tell me the location of Skywalker."
Severus sneered. "Skywalker? I do not recognize that name...not a Slytherin surely;" he said, searching through the files of his memory. "No, I know no Skywalker." The inhaling and exhaling continued, uninterrupted by either man for an uncomfortable few minutes.
"Are you or are you not General Dodonna of the Rebel alliance?"
"Rebel alliance? Do you speak of Dumbledore or the Dark Lord? What are you talking about man?" asked Severus, while still defensive in his attitude he rested his hands on his hips looking, in all manner of speaking, confused. The other man mirrored his gesture. Slowly, the enemy raised one of his hands again; Severus gripped his wand more firmly, ready to spring back into attack position. However, the dark man before him simply brought it up to the temple of his mask and rubbed over the surface. If he didn't know better, Severus would have sworn he could see him grimace through the unfeeling shield covering his face. The man sighed heavily.
"Storm Troopers" he said in a grumbling manner..."I will have to kill them all...violently."
Severus straightened; yet, a smirk graced his lips for an instant at the other's brief mention of murderous retaliation against these 'Storm Troopers.' Drawing himself up to his full height and lashing his robes around himself Severus replied to his antagonist's original query. "I am Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...and you?" Heavy breaths continued to permeate the room.
"Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, Commander of the Imperial Forces of the Republic;" Vader shifted uncomfortably. "It appears there has been...an unfortunate error."
"Obviously..." replied Snape.
For several minutes both men just looked around the room, shuffled their feet, and avoided visual contact with the other. "He's my son..." Vader said rather lamely, breaking the awkward silence.
"What?" asked Severus.
"Luke...er, ah, Skywalker, he is my son, and a Jedi."
"And what, pray tell, is a Jedi?" asked Snape.
"A fool," said Vader.
Severus let out one quick dark guffaw, his lips drawing up into a snarky smile. "I suppose, then, that this Skywalker lad, your son as it were, has caused you some untold consternation?"
"He defies me at every turn...he simply refuses to see the power of the dark side."
This peaked Severus' interest more than he cared to admit. "The power of...the dark side, yes, obviously you are well versed in the dark arts."
"Is this 'Potter' child your son?" asked Vader, "does he cause for you the turmoil that my own does for me?"
Snape's lips curled in disgust. "Potter is anything but my son," he said, all but spitting the words. "He is...my student."
"Ah, a young apprentice" said Vader. "I know well the dismay they can cause for a master." and he chuckled briefly...sinisterly. "Professor...Severus, let us take this conversation to more comfortable surroundings," said Lord Vader as he turned on his heel, black cape snapping as he did so.
"Quite," said Severus, his own robes billowing behind him as he followed the Sith Lord. They thundered through the corridor of the ship, underlings flinging themselves from the path of the two dark, towering figures.
"May the force be with us!" He heard one of the odd white clad figures stutter in a frightened gasp. "It's almost as if there's t…t…two of him!"
"I do say Lord Vader, it appears you've managed to strike an admirable amount of fear into your minions," said Snape, taking in the frantic reactions of the Storm Troopers and various other subordinates. "I like to think I evoke the same response whilst traipsing the halls of Hogwarts." Severus smiled thinking of the students he'd terrified through his days at the school. The first years are still my favourite, he thought with a malicious smirk.
"Merlin's beard," said Snape lowly as he entered the buzzing cantina behind Vader. He walked to the floor length windows and gaped at what he saw. Fields of battleships were arranged before him in various formations. Stars glittered, sparkling in the inky blackness that consumed his mind. "We're amongst the stars!"
Vader had settled into a small table near the window; everyone else had hastily retreated to the other side of the bar. He motioned to the chair opposite him as Snape turned to him with a look of astonishment gracing his usually collected features. "It appears our coordinates were miscalculated. You were brought here under the pretense of another identity."
"Yes, I'd already assumed as much," said Snape. "However, I must admit to being quite surprised to find myself…"
"…Aboard an Imperial Star Destroyer." Vader said, finishing Snape's thought.
"I do say; I rather like the names you people have for your things."
A small mechanical creation wheeled over towards the two men, a tray held in its claw-like appendage. It made a whirling, beeping sound as it placed one of the two thick tumblers it carried before each man.
"Odd house elf…" said Severus quietly.
"Yes, the droids are in need of maintenance," said Vader as he reached for his drink.
Severus looked at his glass, swirling the murky, midnight colored liquid, then glanced at his compatriot. His eyebrows knit together as he searched the face, wondering if he'd remove the helmet to consume his drink. Severus brought the glass to his lips and breathed in the extremely heady aroma. He halted. "What…exactly…is this?"
"Black Membrosia, a rather…persuasive spirit;" Vader said as a small straw-like appendage began to protrude from his mask.
Both men drank. Severus felt the liquid as it slicked down his throat…the flavors were complex and not unappealing, but by the gods, they were also potent! The men sat and talked, glass after glass disappearing, hands gesticulating with more flourish as they became clearly, quite pissed.
"Yeah, yeah, you see, the thing es…" Snape stopped, mouth hanging open, gathering the words in his extremely cloudy mind, "Dumbledorf, he never even gave me a chanze for the job! I can teach defenz agans tha dhar karts! I know all about everything with 'em!" He said flinging his hands up in the air.
"Clearly," replied Vader. "The Empireror…Empror…Sidjus, him, he's the same; always telling me I'm gonna end up like my brother Chad…jus' because I don't go around force lightning everyone to death. Nobody appreciates sub... subtl...being not obvious."
"I know!" said Severus, stammering out the words. "If you're not parading around like a bloody Gryff-en-door, who's jus' won a quirditch-turmanent like that …Pa-hotter…" Severus suddenly halted in his speech, his eyes narrowing with malicious delight. "Say…that thing you did, with the neck shtrangling," he brought his hands up in front of himself, clenching them as if an invisible and vulnerable throat was clutched between them, "can you teash me how to do that?"
"Bloody terrifying it is," whispered the man behind the bar to a patron seated on the stool in front of him. "Never seen Lord Vader get so chummy with anyone; "course, I never seen him get sloshed either. By the force I hope he's a happy drunk. He's liable to start crushing windpipes left and right if he's not." The barkeep and the customer continued to eye the dark pair nervously as they talked and drank.
Darth Vader stood up, hands at his side, stiff as a board, those haunting breaths still gasping on queue. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" he yelled out loudly. Every bit of clamor in the bar ceased. The light tones of the band came to a halt and every startled eye turned to the Sith Lord. Vader simply slumped back to his seat. "…And that's what I said when he told me she was dead. I became a prishoner of this suit when the woman I loved turned her back on me," he moaned before taking a swig. "She spurned my love for that of my emeny!" he said, bellowing out with sorrow, slamming his fist on the table, breaking a small piece of it. "It was my body that was damished, but my shoul that was deshtroyed."
"Was her name 'Lily' pershance?" Snape asked darkly.
"Lily...?" asked Vader. "No, Padme...but yesss, your thoughts beshray you," he said, pointing a wagging finger right in front of Severus' nose. "Your feelings for her are shtrong. Thish Lily, she was yours?"
"Never." said Snape, attempting to gather his Occlumency defenses in his alcohol-addled brain.
"Come on Shnape, lemme show you the Deaf Shtar."
As the two men stumbled from the canteena, the music began to tentatively resume and the quiet whispers of shock and confusion began to fill the room. Both men staggered through the hallways of the ship, laughing or seething at whatever topic of conversation was broached.
"This Sidjus fellow with his…what'd you call it? 'Force Lightning?' sounds like Voldy, Voldre, The Dark Lord with his 'Crucio' this and 'Avada' that…I'd like to see how he likes being on the other side of that wand for a shange," muttered Snape as they rounded through the passageway. As they swaggered into the command center, Vader called over an underling.
"YOU, uh…grey suited…guy…bring me the plans we used to build that…" he gestured around at the room "thing." The grey suited man stared wide-eyed; he was not used to being addressed so informally or by a thoroughly plastered Sith Lord.
"Yes Lord Vader," he stated quickly, bowing, and with a click of heels, retrieved the plans from holographic display files.
The blue jittery image of the Death Star arose in the center of the room. "A pensieve?" Snape asked, his eyebrow arched, his body swaying.
"Sure," said Vader noncommittally. He drunkenly explained the various workings of the ship and what it would mean to the Empire's efforts to squash the rebellion. He finished with a few details of the design; "…a shmall thermal exhaust port, right below the main port," he said while thrusting a finger through the image, "the shaft leads direc'ly to the reactor shystem."
"You know Darth, you might wanna consider covering that shmall port thingy you were talking about," Snape said, pointing at the exhaust port displayed in the hologram. "Best to keep all poshible vulner…vunerab...verni…something bad could happen if you don't."
"Suit guy!" said Vader, pointing a wavering yet still threatening finger, "make a note, cover that port!"
"At once Sir," said the terrified admiral.
As they exited the command center, Severus turned to Vader and spoke, placing a hand on his new comrade's shoulder. "Darth, listen, listen. This has been great, really great, but I've got to get back to 'Ogwarts. I've got leshons to plan, a Dark Lord to appease, schildren to terrify. I'd ushually jus' apperate myself home," he said swinging his arm in a wide arc, "but I'm 'fraid I'd splinch the 'ell out of myself or end up floating around in space; I know it's got to be...a bajillion miles to the school from here." His eyebrows knit together then relaxed. Yes, he was quite certain 'a bajillion' was a legitimate number.
"I'm certain we have a shuttle pod you can use. However, Sheverus, you really should consider shtaying. You'd make a great addition to the Empire. You've even already got the wardrobe," he said gesturing to Snape's menacing attire.
"I'd love to, I'd really, really love to," said Severus with a shake of his head, "but I've godda get back, Podder, you know."
"Ah, yes, the wayward Pad'wan," said Vader, musing over the thought, nodding his head.
"Merlin, he and his chirping little pals…bother, bother, bother…always bothering me!" he said waiving his hands around frantically. "I would shruly love to be free of them…" he sighed, "sadly, 'shnot to be." As they reached the pod bay Severus looked back at Vader "Yoush come visit sometime. I'll let you subs-tute mah class. Normally, I'd never allow anyone else to ashume my place, but you, you my friend…ha ha, the fear! Longbottom's face alone would be priceless!"
"Indeed, once this pitiful rebellion had been shnuffed, I will come vishit your Hogwarts," said Vader, clapping Severus on the shoulder.
As Severus stepped into the pod, he looked at the Sith Lord. "Good luck wif your son. I 'ope you're able to convince him."
"He will be…pershuaded or deshtroyed," Vader replied with a lazy wave of his hand. "I wish you the same rehgarding your young apprentish. Farewell, Sheverus. Thish will be a day long 'membered. It has seen the forshging of a new alliance; it will shoon see the end of the rebellion."
Severus stepped into the pod and the door hissed closed behind him. "Please state your destination," said the computerized voice.
"'Ogwarts Shchool of Wishcraft and Wiz'dry…it's on earth you know…Scotland perci…preci…exactly."
"Location acquired, departing immediately." The small pod loosed itself from its moorings and slipped the barrier shields of the larger ship. Snape reclined in the seat and promptly fell into a heavy alcohol induced slumber.
"Arrival imminent, please prepare for landing."
The automated voice woke Severus. He felt groggy and not just slightly hung-over. He rubbed his temples as a headache thundered through it. Wonderful, he thought. Oh, I see you've brought your good friend nausea along for the journey. The pod touched down and the door opened. Severus stumbled through it, seeing the glittering lights of Hogwarts in the distance. He ambled around the terrain, navigating the hills and paths and finally made his way to the gates. Shortly thereafter, he was back in his private quarters. He searched his personal stores pushing aside various potions until he found the one draught for which he was looking. "Ah, finally, a bit of restorative," he said with a sigh. He took the hangover potion and headed for his shower. He found the water refreshing and the potion doing its job properly. He reviewed in his mind, the events that had taken place. What a fantastic event…such a crazy, random happenstance. As he dressed he looked over his schedule for the day and his lip curled into a sneer, disgusted at his 3rd class. "Double potions, Gryffindor/Slytherin" it said. "Fantastic, Longbottom, Weasly, Granger, and …Potter," he all but spat the last name. "I'm sure the migraine will be returning shortly," he said, rubbing his temples.
His stomach, realizing it hadn't been fed in more than a few hours and his liver, protesting the absolute punishment he'd forced it to endure, helped him decide a light spot of breakfast would not be ill advised. He trudged up the staircases from his dungeons to the hallways of the School. If he hurried, he could catch the tail end of breakfast in the great hall. As he exited into the corridor, he felt a solid object collide with him.
"Ooof!" he exclaimed as he stumbled, entangled with the other body.
"Sorry, sir, I didn't see you coming!" said a fearful voice.
"Indeed you didn't Potter! If you weren't running about these halls like a hippogriff with its head cut off, perhaps you would be able to pay more attention to the welfare of others; 10 points from Gryffindor for your carelessness!"
"10 points!? But sir, it was an accident!" came the reply.
"…And 10 more points for your argument Mr. Weasly! Now, Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasly, unless you wish to empty the hourglass of your house, I suggest you end your protestations and with more careful ambulation, continue on your previous course."
As the two boys began to walk away, he heard Potter mutter "…acts as if he's the headmaster, does whatever he wants…it's not bloody fair."
"Headmaster!" said Ron, "…only a master of evil, Snape."
Severus glared over his shoulder with his eyes cutting towards the boys; he then turned on his heel, his robes billowing with dark authority. A smile that could only be described as indulgently malevolent curled at the corners of his lips as he, with slow calculation, raised his arm and began to clench his fist.
AN: I hope you've enjoyed this and the liberties I've taken with the characters...such as the possible debate regarding Vader: "how does he take nutrition, could he even get drunk?" In this fiction, he can, oh how he can! :) In any case, thanks for reading and reviews are of course, highly appreciated.