Itachi's First Date
By Blacknayami and Imafish
Disclaimer: I own not, said Imafish to Blacknayami, anything from Naruto.
Dear Imafish, said Blacknayami, I would never have guessed such a thing. It's not like we're poor typing fanfiction instead of lying around in fancy hotels sipping martinis!
However, (said Imafish) I do own the milkman!
Hey! Said Blacknayami. He is also owned by me! But anyway, we'll let everyone read about that. We do not own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto does! We are not getting paid for this (sadly!)
Imafish: I thought we'd already established that we don't own Naruto. Now you're just being repetitive.
Blacknayami: No, we established that you don't own anything from Naruto. I just wanted to be clear. But anyway, lets get on with the story!
A/N (Imafish): So! I'd like to tell you about how this story came into existence. I was trying to tell B.N. about a marvelous story called 'Itachi's First Day' (go read it), and, being a little hard of hearing, she heard 'Itachi's First Date'. Naturally, she demanded to know who he went out with and I thought she was insane, since I clearly said 'Itachi's First Day'. Anyway, read and review this story as well as all of our other ones!! HUGS!!!!
p.s. the boyfriend line was my creation. You'll understand.
A/N (Blacknayami): I am not hard of hearing! Anyway, this story is a collaboration (as you've no doubt guessed) with my acquaintance Imafish with whom I share a tolerate/hate relationship. Ow Imafish, that hurt! So, please enjoy the following collection of stupidity, randomness and pointless crap. And because we're all awesome here, let's review, okay? Although maybe our inordinately long disclaimer/author's notes were so cool you just want to review them. Thank you!!!!!!
p.s. And the sacrificial chicken was mine.
Chapter 1: Getting the Girl
It started innocently enough. It was a relatively normal day in the Akatsuki's secret HQ. Hidan was performing a bloody ritual that involved the (5 seconds late) milkman, Kakuzu was counting money, SAsori was varnishing his chest while arguing fiercely over the meaning of true art with Deidara, Tobi was being a nuisance, Pein was playing cards with all of his bodies, Konan was folding origami, Kisame was crying over a can of shark fin soup (' How could you Kakuzu?!' ' It was on sale'.), and Itachi was painting his nails.
Suddenly, Zetsu came forth with a startling revelation.
It was so startling that Hidan accidently thrust his pike up the milkman's nose, Kakuzu dropped a coin into the ventilator, Sasori dropped his varnish (leaving a nasty stain on the rug), and well… you get the picture.
" We ate our girlfriend".
There was an immediate uproar as everyone proceeded to remonstrate Zetsu on his stupidity.
" What the f***, man!"
" That's the longest relationship you ever had!"
" Yeah, it lasted two days!"
" You stupid moron-"
" Carnivorous, anti-social troglodyte, un!"
" What kind of a boyfriend are you?!"
" Can Tobi use your nailpolish, Itachi-sempai?"
Everyone gave Tobi an odd look.
" Tobi likes purple!" the basketball-headed criminal declared happily.
" Why did you eat her Zetsu?" asked Kisame finally.
"She said the way we talk to each other is weird," the plant man sulked.
"That's pathetic," Itachi sneered, examining his perfect (purple) French manicure.
"Havning a girlfriend is harder than it looks, Uchiha!" Zetsu retorted. "Have you ever had one?"
The Akatsuki waited with bated breath for Itachi's cutting retort, however none was forthcoming.
The dark-haired man merely turned away, muttering something about how girlfriends were over-rated.
Deidara smirked. "Have you ever had a boyfriend, un?" he inquired innocently, causing several members to stifle laughs.
Deidara found himself on the receiving end of a very painful Tsukoyomi and collapsed on the ground twitching.
All laughter ceased.
"We bet you couldn't get a date!" Zetsu taunted, and Itachi's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Are you suggesting that I am unattractive to the opposite sex?" Itachi demanded.
"Yes, we are!" Zetsu laughed. "In fact, we bet none of you could get a date!"
All eyes turned immediately to the sole female member of the group. "Konan, will you go out with me?!" The criminals all demanded simultaneously.
The blue-haired woman smirked. "Oh my, so many offers… I'll need some time to decide."
The group glared ferociously at each other.
The fight was on.
" Konan-sama, may I hold the door for you?" Kakuzu shoved Kisame aside.
" No, allow me, Konan-sama", he interjected.
Soon a fight was brewing in front of the door. Konan stood impatiently in front of the squabbling men and whipped out a small black notetbook (adorned with red akatsuki clouds).
" Minus 10 points each boys!" she shrieked.
A new voice cut into the din. " Allow me to fly you into the next room, Konan-sama", Deidara called, sitting confortably on one of the two clay lovebirds that hovered outside of the window.
" Oh, for Kami-sama's sake Deidara, don't you know that I get motion sick?! Minus 15 points!"
At that moment the wall was engulfed with black flames. Konan turned and smiled sweetly at Itachi. " Plus ten, Itachi", she told him, stepping daintily through the charred hole.
Kakuzu was horrified. " Do you know how much repairs cost these days?!" he wailed in horror. The quarreling cased as the men glared at Itachi.
After the fight to pull out Konan's chair for her (Pein won), the criminals went to the kitchen to make Konan's breakfast.
1 hour later…
The male Akatsuki member stood before Konan, each clutching a heaping tray of food.
Konan glared at them irately, swaying slightly. " About time you idiots!" she snarled. " Don't you know I'm hypoglycemic, I need to eat lots!"
She proceeded to lunge for the nearest platter (which happened to be Sasori's), snatched up a soggy piece of French toaSat and shoved it (in a rather unlady-like manner) into her mouth. She chewed, made an expression of extreme distaste and spat the mess onto the unfortunate puppet master's cloak.
"That was revolting! Didn't you know that you actually have to cook French toast?! Minus 30 points!"
She shoved him aside roughly and moved on to the next member, who happened to be Zetsu. He was holding a large, delicious looking steak. Konan's eyes lit up. She snatched up a knife and fork and began to saw off a piece of meat.
"Hey!" Hidan's shout rang through the air. "That's where the f***ing milkman went, you f***er! I wasn't done with him yet!"
Konan froze in horror, the loaded fork almost at her mouth.
In Konohagakure, team Seven looked up in surprise as a loud shriek rang through the air.
In Otogakure, Orochimaru dropped his eyeshadow brush in surprise as he heard a faint scream.
Konan hurled the platter at Zetsu's rapidly retreating form. It connected with a crash and Zetsu tumbled down several flights of stairs.
"Minus 50 points!"
A maniacal expression upon her face, Konan turned on Kisame.
"This had better be good!" she snarled.
Kisame backed away trembling, holding up a small can of tuna adorned with a red bow.
Konan raised an unimpressed eyebrow but was hungry enough not to complain.
"Alright," she sighed. "Where's the can-opener?"
Kisame hurriedly opened the cutlery drawer, searching desperately for the elusive appliance. All he found was a few cheap plastic knives, forks and one broken spoon.
The swordsman dug through all the drawers, however he could not discover any can-opener (Pein fingered the lump in his pocket knowingly.)
Finally Kisame snatched up his oversized sword.
"Stay back, everyone!" he exclaimed.
The criminals lunged forwards in a desperate attempt to save the doomed can of tuna, however they were too late.
Whirling the sword dramatically over his head, Kisame brought Samehada down on the can with a thunderous crash.
Kakuzu sank to his knees wailing in despair as the dust from the crash cleared and the gigantic hole in the floor was revealed. The flattened can bounced in front of Konan. She stood with her eyes closed, counting slowly to 10, scribbling " minus 30" in her notebook on Kisame's page then turned to Hidan.
" Okay Hidan, what have you got?"
The Jashinist whipped hisi cloak off of a platter with a dramatic flourish.
" Ta-*beep*ing-da!" he exclaimed proudly.
Konan stared down at the plate. The blackened, still feathered carcass of a roasted chicken (it's head intact) stared mournfully back up at her from bloody sockets. Its chest had been torn open brutally, showing that its heart was missing. A bloody kunai pinned the creature to the plate by its neck.
Hidan held up another smaller platter, revealing a lump smothered with whipped cream.
" The heart is for dessert", he supplied helpfully.
" Would you eat that, Hhidan?" Konan asked in a strangled voice, struggling to keep her midnight snack from making an appearance.
" Well, no *beep*ing way, but it's not about me, it's *beep*ing about you!" he responded, clearly thinking he was being very selfless.
Konan rammed the sacrificial chicken into his face. " Minus 100! Doesn't any one of you darn *beep*s know how to cook?!" she wailed.
Deidara stepped forwards proudly.
" I sure can, un!" he announced.
Konan turned to him desperately.
Deidara's tray consisted of whole wheat toast (with margarine, not butter), skim milk, low-fat yogurt, organic fruit and a bowl of healthy cereal.
" It's all slimming low-fat food, un!" he declared happily.
For a moment she stared at him. " Are you calling me fat?!" she demanded furiously.
Deidara attempted to hide behind Itachi as Konan raced to the closet and pulled the scale.
The men watched in open-mouthed surprise as she hurried onto it and began muttering to herself.
" I was 115 pounds two days ago", she stated, glancing at her notebook. " I'm 112 now… I've lost weight! Deidara you *beep*!"
Deidara sprang out the window and onto a large clay bird, narrowly dodging several deadly origami weapons.
" Minus 70!" Konan screamed after him.
Kakuzu stepped forwards, attempting to calm the furious woman.
" Here you go", he held out a grease-stained paper bag. " It was cheap".
Konan opened it tentatively, pulling out a greasy burger and salty fries.
" Are you trying to make me fat?!" she shrieked angrily, tossing the fast food aside. Pein, Itachi and Tobi watched in bewilderment as she raced to the scale to make sure that her weight had not changed in the past 30 seconds.
Finally, she returned. Tobi held out his offering, a swirly lollipop that strongly resembeled his mask.
"Here you are, Konan-chan!" he cheered. "It's nice and sweet, like you! Tobi's a good boy!"
Konan stuck the lollipop in her mouth, frantic for some nourishment, as Tobi bounced off to play.
Konan turned to her partner, in a somewhat better mood now that she had eaten something. Pein pulled a fancy bottle of sake out of his cloak and offered it to her with a flourish.
She stared at him blankly. "It's a nice idea, Pein, but it's way too early to drink."
The leader of Akatsuki marched off broken-hearted.
Konan turned to Itachi and had a brief Star Wars moment. "Help me, Uchiha Itachi. You're my only hope!"
Itachi, like Kakuzu, had not bothered to cook. He had also gone to a restaurant, although his choice in dining was far more tasteful then that of his associate.
He held out a plate of stolen fettuccini Alfredo, breadsticks and a cup of tea.
The rejected Akatsuki members glared enviously at Itachi and Konan.
Konan was eating her pasta with a rapidity that would have been the envy of any speed-eater. Itachi stood by, his Sharingan mimicking the movements of a celebrated violinist on the muted TV as he played Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on the violin.
Zetsu sat in the corner, gnawing on the milkman's leg.