Seras's New Year Resolution

Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

AN: This one-shot is based off of elements taken from a number of Lila's (Lion in the Land) fan fictions and my own. Unless you're familiar with "Professor Burbage and the Potions Master", "BITE" and "Cat and Mouse" you won't catch all of the jokes here. And if you haven't read "Integra's School Daze", there will be a large 'WTF?' part near the middle. You have been warned.

PS. A special thanks to Lila for helping me out with Elie's dialogue.

The sun was just starting to rise, and Seras's shift was officially over. She nearly jumped for joy. It was the start of a new year and for the first time in her life, the young fledgling actually had a New Year's resolution. She was swearing off humans, yes no more human blood for her. And it was all do to a bizarre, little book she'd found while her and her master were raiding a vampire hideout.

The book was published by B.I.T.E. (a Romanian organization composed mainly of vampire historians, librarians and clerics) and supposedly about the benefits and draw backs to various vampire diets. And as she read the book, the always bloodsuckingly reluctant, Seras realized something she hadn't thought of before. Although, as a vampire, she needed blood to 'live', it didn't necessarily have to come from humans. She could subsist on animal blood instead, and according to the book, she could do so quite well.

So that was Seras's resolution. No longer would she prey on mankind, even if it was just by consuming medical blood, which could've been directed elsewhere. From now on, she'd be what the book (almost ironically) referred to as a "vegan vampire". She'd even contacted the book's author to thank her, and been invited to take part in a special vampire PSA (Public Service Announcement) that would be broadcast nationwide in less than twenty four hours.

The author, a Romanian vampire by the name of Elie, said that having a genuine Draculina come out, publicly, in favor of the new diet would be quite a boon for those trying to teach their vampire brethren how to peacefully co-exist with their human neighbors. After all, Dracula was arguably the strongest of them all, the only remaining 'alpha' – a vampire who became such by his own will and not as a result of another's bite. He was a different breed from most of the rest of them, a more aggressive, powerful, sadistic and blood thirsty breed. If one of his own, first generation 'children' could embrace the vegan life style, then any vampire could do so without fear of ridicule.

And Seras was happy to help. After all, if she was going to become a vegan, why not throw as much support as she could in that direction? It wasn't like she was being asked to do anything dishonest. Sure, she had yet to actually drain an animal herself… but the diet seemed to make a lot of sense. And the change in diet was her New Year's resolution, so she wasn't in violation of it either. After all it was only New Years day, and she had yet to drink any blood.

No, the fledgling was happy to take part in the PSA. And things were quiet enough around London (at least as far as vampires went) that she'd even been able to talk Sir Integra into granting her a 'personal day'. So there would be no problem making it to the 'pirate studio'. Yup, it would all work out wonderfully… just so long as her master didn't happen to see the broadcast. But then he rarely watched television, so the chances of that happening were slim.

Seras changed into one of the few normal sets of clothing in her closet (no reason to wear her Hellsing uniform on a 'personal' day after all) and headed out of her basement room, bumping into Alucard (almost literally) as she emerged from her doorway.

"Good morning, Police Girl," he cooed "Where might you be off to, all dressed up like that? Undercover OP?"

"Urm, no. Personal day, remember?" she replied

"Ah yes… Well, have fun."

Seras thought that was a strange thing for her master to say. After all he didn't know what kind of a personal day it was. She could be going to the funeral of an old friend. 'Well, maybe not', the fledgling reflected as she considered the fact that her current outfit would hardly be appropriate for a funeral. Still, she recognized that the longer she stayed there talking to her master, the more likely she'd accidently let something slip about what she was really doing with her personal day, and that would not be good. So, she let the comment pass.

"Ah, yes, Master. I'll try to," the fledgling responded with a slightly nervous grin and then began to head for the stairs.

"And don't do anything I wouldn't do," Alucard called after Seras, causing her eyes to go wide.

Did he know? How could he know? No one at Hellsing knew but her, and she certainly hadn't told him. But that statement was just so… 'off', coming from him. No, he couldn't know. He must've just seen how nervous she was and was trying to trip her up, throw her off and get her to give something away. Well she wouldn't fall for it. She kept moving forward, eyes focused on the steps in front of her, as she replied, in the calmest, most even tone she could manage, "Of course not, Master."

Once his fledgling was gone, Alucard shook his head sadly. He knew where she was going, knew about her 'resolution', about the PSA… He knew everything. Seras really had to learn not to broadcast her thoughts. He hadn't even been trying to read her mind, but that ridiculous 'vegan' diet had been at the surface for days. There was no way he could've missed it, even if he'd wanted to.

And now… He'd given her every opportunity, but still, she refused to come clean. Well then, he'd just have to take matters into his own hands. It was time to switch to plan B.

The ancient vampire lifted himself upwards and 'ghosted' through the stone ceiling above him. Then he floated over to the mansion's evidence room and took a tape from one of the boxes. Having secured the tape, he continued onward, out of the mansion, moving as a ghost, a phantom, unseen by all around him.

It took the vampire nearly a half hour to reach his next destination, a secluded little house in the midst of an obscure wooded area. Becoming tangible once more, Alucard landed upon the soft grass and dirt. Then his body became incased in swirling shadows which parted to reveal another form, that of a young, teenage girl with long black hair. Finally the vampire approached the house.

When 'she' entered it she found the cottage's only human resident quite shocked to see her. "Alison," the young man exclaimed, "is that you?!"

She smiled. "Hello, Steven. It's been awhile, hasn't it?"

"Four years, give or take," he responded while wiping a layer of dust from a nearby, wooden chair and bringing it over to his guest. "So," the young man began excitedly after offering his guest a seat, "what brings you here?" He paused and seemed to be considering something. "Ah," he continued more nervously, "there was nothing wrong with the last weapons shipment… was there?"

"No," the 'girl' reassured. "On the contrary, Sir Integra was very pleased with the latest shipment."

The man exhaled in relief, and a small creature took the opportunity to jump up into the vampire's lap. It purred at her, and she ran her fingers lightly over the top of its head. "Hello, Bastet, I trust Stevie's been taking good care of you."

The creature meowed.

"Good… And you've been watching over him? Not letting any intruders harm our geeky, little weapons smith?"

The creature licked its lips, and its eyes flashed red. The vampire girl giggled slightly before diverting her attention back to the human. "Glad to see that the two of you have been getting along so well."

Steve smiled. "So, this is just a social call? I've got some fresh fruit in the fridge if you're hungry. Or if you're bored I could pop in one of the newer Star Wars movies… I think you'd enjoy the last one quite a bit."

"Sorry Stevie, but I'm afraid I can't stay that long. I've got an… 'appointment' a little later on." The geek's face fell as a look of disappointment came over it, and the girl sighed. "Well, I suppose I could push back my next stop by a couple of hours, if you would do me a little favor."

"A favor?" Steve asked, his tone somewhere between intrigued and suspicious.

The girl handed him a video tape. "It's come to my attention that a shadowy organization has hacked into each of the cable TV networks and is planning on transmitting a pirate signal from four to five o-clock tomorrow morning. I want you to hack their hack and play this between four thirty and four forty. Do you think you could manage that?"

That was all she wanted? Steve was relieved; seldom had her 'favors' come with so little risk of grievous injury. "No problem. What's on the tape?"

"Just a vampire draining one of his victims."

"Um," the geek replied slowly. "Are you sure you want me to broadcast that? Won't it kind of interfere with Integra's desire to keep the whole vampire thing under wraps?"

"Aw," she cooed back in a playful tone, "Aren't you sweet to concern yourself with that? Don't worry. The signal you're jamming is hidden within the normal broadcasts, small clips mixed in with what should be on. Normal, human senses won't be able to catch it. Trust me, the people doing this don't want the existence of vampires to become public anymore than we do."

"Okay," Steve responded in a resigned tone that indicated he would do as the vampire asked… but got the feeling he wasn't being told the whole story.

Alucard stayed in that remote house for a few hours, enjoyed some raw fruit (one of the few human foods his breed of vampire were able to stomach… and even enjoy, even if it did do little for their nutritional needs) and watched the latest Star Wars movie, "Revenge of the Sith".

And to the vampire's surprise, Steve had been right. The movie wasn't half bad. Sure, the plot was a little… contrived at times, but there was quite a bit of action and even an underlying element of tragedy. It was far from the best story he'd ever seen… but more than entertaining enough for a couple of hours. Of course, when the movie ended, the vampire was off again. His next stop? ZSL, the London Zoo.

It was early afternoon by the time Alucard (back in his normal form) reached the zoo, and the air was crisp and cool as he landed in a secluded spot behind the lions' den. He walked around the exhibit for a moment, examining the proud, graceful animals. They were nice, but not quite what he was looking for.

Continuing through the zoo, Alucard gave a similar, cursory inspection to each exhibit he came upon. But none of them seemed quite right for his purpose. And so he seldom stopped for long.

One of the times he did stop for a few moments was in the reptile house. The vampire wasn't even completely sure why he'd entered it to begin with. After all a snake would most definitely NOT comply with his requirements, but he'd always believed in being thorough. So, he walked through the exhibit anyway, and stopped when he reached a Brazilian Boa Constrictor.

The snake itself was unspectacular, but the plaque emblazoned on its display case was rather interesting.

Brazilian Boa

Interesting fact: Six years ago

this very snake attempted to

escape and made it as far as

the bear grotto. While zoo

authorities have no idea how

he managed it, we assure you

it won't happen again.

Alucard chuckled. "So you thought to escape your captivity, did you?" The snake merely hissed in reply, and the vampire eyed it uncertainly for a moment.

He was out without Integra's permission, and knew that he should keep as low a profile as possible. Even still… 'It was very arrogant', he thought, 'of those humans to believe they could *assure* anything.' And it was just too amusing to think about them all scratching their heads and trying to figure out how Mr. Boa had once again escaped his prison.

The vampire stretched out with his third eye and insured that no one was coming, then he walked through the cage. He grabbed the snake by the back of its head and teleported to the rear of the bear grotto. And there he let the reptile go, grinning widely as he considered the possible chaos his little stunt might create when discovered.

Continuing once more through the zoo, Alucard came upon a bird exhibit where a girl with a coal black, blunt haircut stared intently at a large Golden Eagle. Briefly he wondered what it was that was so fascinating about the eagle, for the girl stared at it almost as though she'd found a lost lover. But the girl's aura was odd, charged with an energy not normally found in humans or vampires, and so Alucard kept his distance, lest he chance discovery by an unknown element.

Finally the No-Life King found what he was searching for. There had been a recent birth in the deer exhibit and one of the baby does was absolutely adorable -- everyone who saw it said as much. Its eyes were extra large, and it had cute little spots all along its back and a short, little tail. Yes, that would suit his purposes perfectly.

Alucard waited until no one was looking, and then in a flash he entered the exhibit, stole the little doe and swallowed it whole, careful not to pierce its skin with his sharp fangs. Then he quickly exited the exhibit and casually strolled out of the zoo.

That was it. All the pieces were together, now all he needed to do was crash those 'vegan's' little pirate broadcast. The five hundred year old, master manipulator smiled broadly, his lips opening an impossible amount, displaying his large teeth and fangs.

Even after fully enjoying the 'day' part of her personal day and visiting some of her favorite old 'haunts'; Seras still arrived at the studio several hours before the Live PSA was to begin. She was greeted warmly, and the vampires present were unlike any she'd met before. They seemed more reserved, rational… sane.

They were calmer and at times seemed almost… loving towards one another. Even those who obviously had some issues with each other seemed able to tolerate the other's company (at least in short intervals) without resorting to (literally) trying to bite each other's heads off. Maybe those comments about the 'vegan' life style lessoning aggressive tendencies hadn't been embellished after all? Briefly Seras wondered how that would affect her job performance at Hellsing, but she quickly dismissed such thoughts.

After all she'd been a fine police officer while human; and, in Seras's opinion, that's what these vampires acted like. They weren't perfect -- by any stretch of the imagination. Most were possessed by some level of vanity. Others were distrustful, and one member of the group was an obvious idiot, although a seemingly well meaning one. No, they weren't perfect, but they did act more… 'human' than what she was use to.

There were also 'snacks' at the studio, cute, fluffy things waiting around to be drained of their blood. In her heart, Seras couldn't help but feel that was somehow wrong, even though her head told her it was better than draining people. Still, she couldn't bring herself to partake in the snacking, even when invited to.

"Oh no, it's okay. I… 'ate' shortly before coming here," she lied.

Fortunately there was one cute, furry creature which seemed immune to the other vampires' feasting. It was a little, white bunny, which upon closer inspection Seras noticed was actually a vampire itself. Curious, was this what happened to animals if they weren't completely drained? Did they turn into vampire creatures? Did they have to be virgins first?

Seras shrugged. However it had happened, she was glad to be able to pet something that wouldn't end up in one of the other vampires' stomachs before the night was over. She ran one hand over the bunny's soft back, and it nuzzled her other. She giggled. And then it nipped at her, and she yelped in surprise.

"Play nice," a feminine voice ordered from across the room, and as Seras looked up she recognized the girl's face as the one on the back of the diet book's dust cover.


"Yeah, who are…" the vampire paused as she noticed the other girl's red eyes and fangs. "Oh, you must be Seras," she then continued with an outstretched hand. "Glad you could make it. I hope Nuglet didn't bite down too hard."

"Nuglet? Oh, the vampire bunny. No, he just surprised me is all. He's very cute… is he yours?"

"Yes, mine and Gregorio's."


"The one with the scar."


Said scarred vampire called out to Elie about some unusual feedback, and she sighed. "Never a moment's peace when you're the one in charge. Sorry, Seras but I've gotta go. Feel free to keep Nuglet company though. I suspect he's getting lonely with both Gregorio and I tied up with this pirate broadcast." The girl whispered the last line, almost as if it were a secret, then her attention shifted to the bunny rabbit. "Remember, no nipping," she said sternly before walking off to find out more about this strange interference.

Seras went back to playing with the bunny and stayed by its side until it was time for the broadcast to begin.

Sure enough, at four o-clock (GMT) the special PSA started, and all the vampires present were singing the praises of the vegan life style. And forty minutes later their own pirate signal got hijacked and all the screens shifted to a tall, red cloaked, fedora hatted stranger who was slowly draining the life from an athletically built blonde.

Pandemonium rained inside the computer room.

"What the… What is THAT?!"

"I don't know. Someone's hijacked our signal."

"Well, where's it coming from?"

The man brought up a map of England and highlighted a forest area. "In here… somewhere."

"Honey! Isn't that where we-"

"Oh… oh no. Quick! Has anyone seen a red-eyed, black cat… or a very bizarre looking 'girl'?"

The other people in the computer room just shot each other sideway glances.

Meanwhile, on the studio floor, most of the younger vampires present gulped at the scene. It was obvious by the woman's moans, the way her legs buckled and how she pressed herself (perhaps subconsciously) into the male's form that she was in the throes of absolute ecstasy, despite the fact that her life was slowly slipping away.

Seras scowled. "Master," she accused under her breath, recognizing the scene as footage from when Alucard had drained Kim – the sight of which had first pushed Seras over the edge and caused her to consume her first blood packet.

"You called, Police Girl?" Alucard cooed as he stepped through a nearby wall and began to advance on his fledgling.

"You!" one of the other vampires called as he started to move towards the interloper.

But a female quickly gripped his arm and tried to hold him back. "No!" she shouted.

"Alice, let go," the male growled, "I-"

"NO!" the girl insisted more forcefully, drawing the male's attention to her shaking body and trembling lips. "Just… just leave him alone."

"Smart girl," Alucard commented and wondered if she'd seen him in action somewhere and knew what he was about to do to that little worm who dared challenge him. How could she? He wasn't exactly in the habit of leaving survivors.

The No-Life King mentally shrugged. It didn't matter. The 'vegan' worms were beneath his notice, so long as they didn't interfere. Only his progeny was important. "Tell me, are you hungry, Police Girl?"

"No," Seras lied.

Alucard chuckled. "Oh, I think you are. I'll bet your mouth is watering, your tongue growing long… I can even see your fangs lengthening. Oh yes, you must be terribly hungry," he continued with a sly smile. "But don't worry; I brought you a little snack."

The No-Life King reached into his coat and, where no one could see him do it, ejected the baby doe he'd swallowed earlier. Then he pulled it out and held it up to his Fledgling's nose. "Come on, Police Girl, what's the problem? It's just an animal, right? Come on, show everyone how committed you are to this 'vegan' life style – drain the little deer!"

It was obvious from Seras's expression that she was struggling with herself. The cameras were back on, and they were broadcasting again. All the vampiric (under)world could see her. If… if she could only do this, drain this one little animal – this one little, incredibly cute, defenseless, baby animal… NO! She couldn't do it.

"Don't listen to this pretentious freak. You can do this, Seras. You're stronger than him; you're not part of the system. Do this for the sake of all mankind," Elia encoraged as she reached the studio floor. But Seras just couldn't.

What had that baby doe done to deserve such a fate? She could bring herself to drink blood packs, after all then she wasn't killing anyone. And she could even force herself to drain exceptionally evil humans… or in one case one who'd made himself a willing sacrifice. But cute defenseless animals who'd never hurt anyone in their life and had no say in the matter? She just couldn't do it – not even for a cause that would help insure future human safety against vampires. It was a compromise she couldn't make.

"I… I can't!" She screamed as bloodied tears ran down her cheeks.

To Seras's surprise her master acted… comforting as he wrapped his arms around her. "Shhhs, it's okay. It's not natural anyway. Come back with me and forget this 'vegan' nonsense."

The fledgling sniffled a few times and then nodded. And the two walked out, all the other vampires giving them a wide berth – at Alice's insistence.

Well, did anyone last all the way through, any brave souls who refused to be scared away by all those references to other fan fics? I doubt it. :P But if anyone is still around, I'd very much enjoy hearing their thoughts on this. Thanks :)

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.