Hello and welcome to IDBiV Outtakes, Oneshots! Here you'll find scenes that either just didn't quite fit into the flow of "I Don't Believe in Vampires," or that fill in the little blanks or questions you may have had here and there. They will not necessarily be in chronological order, but I'll post pre-reading details/suggestions/spoiler alerts before each one. Got a suggestion/request for an outtake? Either leave me a comment or send me a PM! I can't promise I'll be able to write an outtake for all suggestions, but I DO promise to take them all under consideration!
Many thanks and many hugs to the super-beta, Stratan, who is beta-ing this series as well.
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Mad props and credit go to the ever-fabulous Joba Rules for suggesting this outtake! It takes place just after Bella moves from La Push to Port Angeles. You can read it without fear of spoilers after reading Chapter Five of I Don't Believe in Vampires.
EPOV – The Balcony – June
She was so very tired tonight.
I sat unmoving, feeling the faint waves of sheer fatigue that surrounded her as she folded up one last box. She'd moved in two days ago, by herself. Granted, all her belongings were contained in a grand total of six cardboard boxes, three duffel bags, a suitcase, and a couple of large black garbage bags, but still. She'd lugged everything up to her third-floor apartment by herself as I watched from my car in the lot, swinging between relief and indignation that the stupid dog from the reservation hadn't bothered to help her move. I'd wracked my brain trying to figure out a way to conveniently appear and help her, but the predictable phone call from Alice came in, telling me to stay put.
Yesterday she'd gone shopping and came back with boxes and bags from a local home furnishings store. A bed, mattress, and other cheap furniture had been delivered the day before she moved in, so this was apparently the smaller things: kitchen appliances, paper towels, laundry detergent and whatever other things humans needed in their homes.
She'd spent all day today unpacking and organizing. I hid on the roof of the apartment complex… luckily her unit was on the top floor… leaning against an air conditioning unit and listening to her move around below. She started off energetically, and evidently got quite a bit accomplished, based on the waves of satisfaction I felt. As the day went on, however, she slowed down quite a bit, even taking a nap around five o'clock. When she awoke she was so relaxed I caught quite a few thoughts from her mind.
Chicken noodle soup… damn it, no can opener… order a pizza… finish the bedroom tonight… just want to get it DONE…
Then she must have seen the mess around her and tensed up, because her mind closed off to me again.
She tackled the bedroom, starting around eight o'clock, by setting up the small television she'd purchased and hanging up clothes in the closet. I was anxious for her to get ready for bed so I could slip quietly into my little hiding spot on the balcony.
I finally heard a rustling of clothes, drawers opening and closing, and then finally the sound of the shower hissing on. Unable to resist another moment, I dropped silently from the roof, landing in a crouch. There was a two-foot stretch of brick wall just to the right of her sliding glass doors on the balcony. The railing was enclosed, and the balcony itself overlooked an alleyway and then the back wall of another building, so I wasn't worried about anyone seeing me. I'd discovered this spot the first night she'd moved in, and made it my own. I could easily sit here undiscovered all night, every night. She had no interest in the balcony since the view was awful, and kept the blinds closed most of the time, but I could easily jump back up to the roof if I heard her footsteps approach.
With the shower still running, I allowed myself a glance inside her bedroom, through a large crack between two of the vertical blinds. She'd done a remarkable job; although still sparse, the bedroom had been neatly organized and a few picture frames even dotted the walls now. The only remaining sign of disarray was a stack of paperback books which were spilled carelessly across the bedspread. I squinted to see the titles, but just then the shower was turned off and I quickly melted back against the brick. Of course the thought flashed across my mind of what I might see if I waited for her to emerge from the bathroom, but I quickly banished it, hating myself for even considering it for a moment.
I vacillated so frequently on my feelings about stalking Bella this way… for what could I call it, but stalking? Sitting on her balcony for the third night now, waiting for the moment when I would hear her breathing even out into sleep, when I could truly relax as I was unable to do during the day. Although I only relaxed long enough for my warring emotions to return and plague me all night long.
I wanted to protect her.
I wanted to respect her privacy.
But I had to be near her.
Right now I could continue to protect her to the best of my abilities, just as I'd done from that first moment I'd realized that Bella Swan was destined to be mine; the inexorable pull towards her, finally realizing it was her and not just her blood that tied my soul to her in a way I'd only witnessed second-hand before. I could protect her physically from any external threat, but for the longest time, that included me.
It was only the bombardment of Alice's visions into my brain that had held me back. Visions of Bella and me together. Of her smiling, laughing, and reaching for me with love and trust. My predator instinct and bloodlust suddenly snapping free in an instant. My mouth on her, teeth buried deep in the pulse point of her throat. Her eyes first shocked, then terrified, and then gradually growing blank as life left her. Always some variation on this scenario. Then Alice would cry tearless sobs while the visions wracked her, as I curled up into a ball on the floor, pulling on my hair, hating myself with ever fiber of my unholy being for doing this to my family, for putting an innocent human at such risk.
But I couldn't stay away. I knew we would be together someday, I just didn't know how.
Ostensibly, I ignored her at first. I sat beside her in class, not breathing, only speaking to or interacting with her when absolutely necessary. Surreptitiously, I tried to drown myself in her scent in the safest way I knew how, even as the shame of it burnt me to the core. I began to sneak into her home after she left for school in the morning, finding the shirt she'd worn the day before, and taking it with me. She did laundry once a week, I soon discerned, so I was always careful to return it before then. It was like an addiction, the faint scent of Bella on her clothing, in her home, and slowly I began to breathe again in class. Her scent was a thousand times stronger next to me, of course, but now it was familiar. Still enthralling, but slightly more manageable.
The end of the school year came and I watched from a distance as she went to work at the Newton store, and overheard her politely but firmly fend off Mike's repeated advances. Having to hear his lewd thoughts about her made me seriously consider tearing his throat out on more than one occasion, but he never acted on any of them, so I ground my teeth together and just watched and listened.
One night, in a particularly weak moment, I climbed the tree outside her window after her soft, regular breathing told me she'd fallen asleep. I had guarded the outside of her home at night regularly, of course, but this was the closest I'd come to it while she was inside. I sat outside her window all night, enthralled by the sight of her sleeping; the slow rise and fall of her chest, the innocent mumblings that gave me no insight whatsoever into her dreams.
On the fourth night of this, however, she'd been exceedingly restless, tossing and turning, twisting the sheets around her legs. It was then that I discovered she was sleeping in only a t-shirt and tiny little cotton shorts. The sight of her long creamy legs was mesmerizing; before I knew it my hand was reaching towards the window, praying it was unlocked.
She tossed her head restlessly, sighed, and then very clearly said my name.
The violent emotions that tore through me in that moment were almost more than I could stand. I knew she talked in her sleep; I'd listened to her jumbled words over the past three nights, but this was so clear, so distinct. It was as though she were calling to me, begging me to come in and hold her, and my fingers immediately went under the sill of the window, ready to wrench it open if it was locked.
I could see her sleeping face then, and the sadness on it startled me. Her lips were turned down slightly, as though she was having an unhappy dream, and her eyelids were flickering madly. Her head turned slightly on the pillow again, now facing me directly. Her lips turned up then, and again she spoke very distinctly: "Edward."
It was a fantasy, my fantasy come to life. Her long hair spread across the pillow, her face relaxed, her lips murmuring my name. I froze for the briefest of moments, drank in the sight of her, memorized every detail of the picture in front of me. After a second, her forehead creased, the relaxation vanished, and now she whispered "No."
A wave of shame came over me, without thinking I threw myself backwards, out of the tree, into the forest surrounding her house. Then I ran, no destination in mind, simply trying to outrun the horror and disgust that was roiling inside of me at the moment.
What would I have done if I'd come across Mike Newton or Tyler Crowley, or any of the other filthy-minded cretins from Forks High, perched in Bella's tree, spying on her like some deranged pervert? I would have snapped his neck in an instant and without a moment's remorse for violating her privacy in such a way, and yet I'd done the very same thing, not once, but four nights in a row. She hadn't invited me there; she would have been horrified if she'd known. How could I ever hope to be worthy of her trust, to hope to earn it, when I'd already betrayed it in such a vile manner?
After some time, I slowed to a walk, and then stopped. That indefinable tug that connected me to Bella pulled sharply, as I'd put so much distance between us. I immediately turned around, pausing only to take down and drain a large elk, and returned to her house. This time I stayed far enough into the forest to somewhat assuage my guilty conscience. I may not have been able to stay away, but I wouldn't watch her again, until she asked me to.
This time it was a concrete thought I heard from my spot on the balcony, and it snapped me from my reverie. That night outside her father's house had been almost a year ago. Now, though, I couldn't stay more than a few feet from her at night, even separated by glass, mortar, and brick. The months she'd lived on the reservation had been utterly horrifying to me. Now that I was able to protect her as she slept again, nothing could have dragged me away.
Seeing her shattered at Charlie's funeral had been my turning point. Even Alice had admitted that her visions had taken on progressively more optimistic outcomes since then. Still being careful to hold back, I'd been able to talk to her, to offer her help in class, to make sure she remembered to buy food at lunch. The way she would look at me… the dazed numb look in her eyes would slowly clear, and sometimes a faint smile would touch her lips. It was during a very few of those moments that I discovered I could clearly hear her thoughts when her beautiful brown eyes met mine, and it gave me greater determination to be the man she needed me to be, that she deserved. So much progress, but still Alice warned me not yet.
Being able to touch her hand at graduation, just over a week ago, had almost undone me. I could feel the connection between us more strongly than ever, so powerful and all-encompassing that the only words I'd been able to speak to her were "Be safe, Bella." I almost resented Alice for being able to hug her, even as I thrilled to the victory of a simple touch.
So now, here we were, she tasting real independence for the first time, and I keeping silent watch over her, ensuring her safety.
The overhead light switched off, only leaving the lamp on the bedside table. I could hear the shuffling of her sheets as she climbed into bed, and then the muted thump of paper as she stacked the books from the bedcovers onto the bedside table. A brief moment of silence, then a flutter of pages, perhaps a chapter or two of a favorite book before settling down to sleep?
More shuffling as she burrowed down snugly into her bed, and a contented sigh. I shut my eyes and sighed too, reveling in the soft comfort of her mind.
After a moment, a new emotion from her made my eyes pop open. It was a pleasurable sensation that tickled and intrigued me, but one I'd never sensed from her before. Her heart rate had accelerated slightly too. What in the world was this? I tried desperately to get a solid thought from her, but at the moment, I was bombarded only by her feelings. Whatever her thoughts were, they were so pleasurable that, for the moment, I simply relaxed into them, allowed her sensations to guide my own mind.
It wasn't until I felt a stiffening in my groin while simultaneously a soft sigh escaped her that I understood: Bella was aroused.
What in the world was she doing to provoke such a response? She'd been reading, was there a scene in her book that was particularly exciting? For that matter, what was she reading? I hadn't been able to see the covers of the books, but I knew she enjoyed the classics… surely Wuthering Heights wouldn't provoke this kind of response from her?
The minutes ticked on, and the longer she read, the more aroused Bella became. It was as though all the stress and tension from the day melted slowly away from her as she sank deeper into self-indulgence. I myself was stunned into immobility by the raw sensuality radiating from her: I'd had endless fantasies about her, of course, but never once had I experienced similar emotions from her. It was unbelievably erotic, and I eagerly let this new sensation from her envelop me.
I don't know how long I sat there, simply allowing her pleasure to flow over me, when I heard her sigh again and shut the pages of her book. I ran my hand regretfully over the front of my jeans, knowing that relieving my own frustration on Bella's balcony would be wholly inappropriate. Perhaps, as she fell asleep and her physical body calmed, mine would as well.
Bella's lamp clicked off and I swallowed hard, very deliberately crossing my arms across my chest. More soft rustling as she arranged the covers over her, and I shut my eyes, trying to concentrate on anything other than the excitement running wild throughout my body. It only lasted a few seconds before I heard a muted moan come from the bedroom. I jumped to my feet immediately: was she hurt, or sick? No… the pleasure was still there, but this time it was more acute, more focused, and the physical aspect of it was more pronounced as well. This time I recognized it immediately because I'd experienced it myself many times before, and only while thinking of her…
Bella was pleasuring herself.
My first reaction was shock. Although I had certainly imagined something like this, in the fantasies I'd had about Bella and I, it had been just that: a fantasy. Well, certainly a fantasy that I hoped to see come true at some point, but…
Another tiny sigh, just barely audible even with my superior hearing, along with the soft whisper of skin moving against skin. I stopped breathing as realization roared over me and my own arousal, completely separate from Bella's, grew exponentially. I sank slowly back down the wall until I was on my knees, the rough brick scraping against my t-shirt. My hand moved again to the front of my jeans and, before I could form a rational thought, I'd pressed my palm against the erection which was now throbbing insistently. The idea that Bella… my Bella… was just a few feet away, touching herself in a place I'd barely allowed myself to imagine caressing someday… it was too much.
My rational mind crashed back into me at that moment: I had to leave. Surreptitiously listening in on a private moment like this was exploitative; for me to take advantage of her was inexcusable; my own selfishness should never come before…
When I heard my name slip from her lips, just as it had months before, I pressed myself violently against the brick wall, willing my body to stay where it was. Everything down to the individual cells of my body wanted to rip the sliding glass doors open, pull her to me, and have her cry my name against my lips, to feel her arch under me, to bury myself so deeply inside of her and ravage her body so thoroughly that she would only be able to call my name, to beg me for more even as I took her over and over again…
"Oh God, yes…"
I finally started breathing again with a ragged gasp; years of restraint finally beating a coherent path into my frenzied mind. I couldn't go to her now. It simply was not yet possible. Left with the only available options, I wasn't sure what I wanted more: to be able to see Bella's beautiful body writhing under her own hand, or to relieve myself. To do both was impossible, I knew… I was barely hanging onto my control as it was, and a combination of the two would be impossible to restrain.
"Ahhh… yes, please, yes…"
Her desperate whimpers made my mind up for me; the need to get myself under control was imperative now. Although I wanted to believe that her quiet pleas were truly directed at me, I forced myself to realize that she was reacting to the ministrations of her own hand, not mine. I sucked in a ragged breath and made my decision, still on my knees, my hand moving immediately to the button and zipper of my jeans. There was no way under heaven or above hell that I would be able to move away from this spot now, but I could take the teeth from the monster at the very least.
"Mmm… Edward…" I heard her moan again as I yanked my jeans down as far down to my knees as they would go, until the fabric hit the balcony floor. My boxers went with them, and my erection sprang free, my hand snapping to it immediately. There was nothing in this world right now other than my desperate need to satiate the primal desire inside of me, burning for her, desperate to claim her as mine.
Focusing now, forcing every aspect of my mind to concentrate on her as she brought herself to completion, I was totally overwhelmed by the raw intensity of her pleasure. My head fell back to the brick with a thump, and I was faintly amazed she didn't notice. My hand worked steadily over my own length, determined to ground myself in the world she'd spun between us.
Muffled little pants came regularly from her now, and I allowed myself the luxury of imagining exactly what she was doing to herself at that moment… the possibilities of skin and fingers and clutching hands… the endless options available to me… wondering what she was visualizing as my name spilled from her lips more frequently. I felt every spike as her pleasure ratcheted upwards, bringing her closer to climax. I was almost completely detached from my own body as I immersed myself in her pleasure, only allowing myself each clench and tremor as she experienced it first; my only self-indulgence a harsh hiss whenever she moaned my name.
And she did call for me… so often and so desperately that I was thankful that I'd essentially bound myself into place, vowing that I could either have release or I could have nothing at all. By the time she finally abandoned herself to the most exquisite waves of pleasure I'd experienced in my long, lonely life, I was more than ready. When she came, muffling her screams behind clenched teeth and clamped muscles, I allowed myself release as well. The growl that automatically boiled up from deep within me was stifled as I fought to stay silent, to keep every second of this moment focused on Bella.
I heard her cries fade out into faint moans, reluctantly letting go of whatever fantasy she'd created in her mind, so far down that I was unable to hear or sense it. My own head dropped down as I half-collapsed against the balcony railing.
Her moans slowly evened out into the soft, regular breaths to which I was so keenly accustomed, telling me that she'd finally fallen asleep. And as I sat there on her balcony, I realized without a doubt that just as Charlie's funeral had drastically changed my perception of what I knew she needed me to be, that this moment had changed everything about what I wanted us to be, and what I now knew we were capable of.