A/N: I'd been reading quite a few guides and one non-guide recently. They were hilarious and very enjoyable. So, because I couldn't sleep last night and have been having a small writer's block for my other story, I thought that I'd attempt one myself. Because although I've had the good sense to try and only read stories with adequate grammar in the summaries, I've come across quite a few things that need correcting.

More Like Steak: Because 'well done' and 'rare' should not be synonymous but rather on almost-opposite ends of the spectrum of fanfiction. And of course, there are vegetarians (who seem to hate vegetables for some unfathomable reason) who will criticise those who like some wholesome meat. So I say, bring the flamethrowers on. If you want to improve or are just plain bored, come and read this all-purpose somewhat-guide.

Disclaimer: I do not own Shugo Chara! or most of the fanfics to be parodied here.


In Which Amu Stutters

Ikuto Tsukiyomi, being the adorable blue-haired, purple-eyed (no, it isn't sacrilege to use the words 'blue' and 'purple') paedophile of a stalker that he is, decided randomly one night to visit some twelve-year-old's bedroom. No mention of his clothing is made, but we assume that his clothing is the usual black outfit he dons outside of school. Being eighteen and what millions of girls around the world claim a 'hunk', he had nothing better to do of course. Either that or the author was too lazy or unimaginative to come up with a less generic and creepy way for magical Amuto to happen. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

So Ikuto, not noticing that Yoru seemed to be absent for some reason or other, climbed up into somebody else's balcony and broke several laws regarding trespassing, privacy and underage children. He saw the pink-haired Amu (yes, pink) seated at her desk and attempting to complete her homework. Around this time of night, she never, ever did anything else since elementary school students always had a crapload of undoable homework and took up all available hours from arriving home to the time she fell into bed. No mention of her clothing is made either, but we assume that it's something pink and fluffy since she'd had a one-eighty turn in personality since the start of the series. Oh, and her Chara were off somewhere, possibly with Yoru, in anticipation for the Amuto moment. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

And naturally, Amu didn't learn by now that Ikuto was prone to what I shall call midnight strolls for the sake of poetic satisfaction when it isn't anywhere near midnight. Let's add in a note around here that the moon was shining beautifully since SC's animated series never really touches on the fact that the moon has phases. No, full moon all the way. If it's romantic, then it's there. Well, since it was such a lovely night and Amu is more forgetful than a llama, the balcony door wasn't locked. Ikuto saw his chance and took it because of course he wouldn't be mistaken for a thief or rapist. No, sneaking into a little girl's room without her knowledge or consent is romantic when it's Amuto! (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

So Ikuto, since he doesn't know any better way of surprising Amu, sneaked behind her, places his hands on her shoulders, leaned down and breathed in her ear (but in a totally romantic, HAWT, smexy and non-creepy way of course), "Hey, Amu." This is mainly because Ikuto is incapable of saying her name in anything less than italics. It just wouldn't be right if there wasn't that italics with a high potential of, let's face it, creepiness. But it's fine if it's Amuto. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

"I-I-I-I-I-I-Ikuto!" stuttered Amu, a blush gracing her cheeks with its rather evident presence.

"What's up? I mean, apart from having an eighteen-year-old stalker enter your room? But I'm apparently good-looking so all my sins are forgiven," he greeted cheerfully. Because Ikuto's such a smiley person all the time.

"W-w-w-w-w-what a-a-are y-y-y-y-y-you d-d-d-doing i-in h-h-h-here, y-y-you PERVERT!!!" Some people might note that the only word Amu didn't falter on was the last one. And they may also notice that this phrase is now a generic 'Amu' phrase used specifically for Amuto situations like these. (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

"Well, since I'm not molesting you or searching your drawers for either underwear or diamonds, obviously nothing except freaking you out," he replied nonchalantly, looking over her shoulder to see the book Amu had been concentrating on earlier. It was full of horrid elementary Maths (it's always Maths). Her blush deepened.

"W-w-w-w-what t-t-the h-h-heck!? G-g-g-get o-o-o-out o-o-of m-m-my r-r-r-room!" she yelled, sounding as though she was either extremely cold or trying to rap. Badly.

Ikuto then frowned. "Are you okay?" he asked. "You seem kinda..."

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, s-s-s-s-so l-l-l-l-leave, I-I-I-I-I-Ikuto!" she endeavoured to hiss. Unfortunately, when you had a speech impediment more annoying than that of Daffy the Duck's (shower of spit included), it was rather impossible to seriously do so. Realising this, her blush called some of its friends over in an attempt to camouflage itself. Basically, this means that her blush deepened still further.

Ikuto, still leaning over her shoulder, grew even more concerned. "You know, considering the amount of hyphens that those four sentences or phrases would hypothetically take if it was written down or, indeed, typed up and the fact that your face had been steadily becoming the colour of beetroot... I think you should tell your mother that you need to go to a hospital," he said worriedly. What would he do if the underage victim of his stalking became seriously ill? And don't forget the lack of Amuto! (SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)

Amu's blushes decided to procreate and create a blush that was redder, more layered and even more noticeable. You could practically see steam rising from her face. "I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's n-n-n-n-nothing! T-t-t-t-there's n-n-n-n-n-nothing w-w-w-wrong w-w-w-w-w-with m-m-m-me!" she continued, somehow contriving to be stubborn while stuttering the heck out of an anxious Ikuto. It was Amuto in a pure, unadulterated, golden liquid form. (SQUE- I think you get it now.)

"No, seriously, you look like you're choking," he insisted, smexily furrowing his eyebrows. He also reached down and cupped her cheeks with both hands, tilting her face towards his. (OMG!!! AMUTO!!1!one!)

... Must I remind you they're twelve, ladies and gentlemen?

"S-s-s-s-s-shut u-u-u-u-up! I-I-I-I-I-I'm p-p-p-perfectly f-f-f-f-fine. I-I-I-I-I-I o-o-o-o-o-only s-s-s-s-s-started g-g-g-g-g-g-g-getting l-l-l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-this w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-when y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-showed u-u-u-u-u-up!" she exclaimed. Ikuto couldn't resist the urge to look at the clock as Amu went on slowly.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-so i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it's y-y-y-y-y-y-y-your f-f-f-f-f-f-fault!" she finished hotly.

"I imagine that if that had been typed up, the readers would have a massive migraine from reading it," he commented. "Apart from that... could you repeat that? I'm afraid I forgot what you were talking about halfway through."

Amu's baby blushes had grown up and decided to procreate as well. Her face had become home to families of blushes, each successive generation more red and healthy than the last. That is, to say, her blushes had not one deepened but had drilled down to the very bottom of how far they could go. "I-I-I-I-I-I s-s-s-s-said t-t-t-t-that -"

"You should have yourself checked out at the doctor's," he said, palms still holding her burning cheeks, "I think you have a fever or something. I'll come back later when you're not so fired-up and... stuttery."

"Y-y-y-y-yeah, I-I-I-I-I-I t-t-t-t-think t-t-t-t-that w-w-w-w-would b-b-b-b-be f-f-f-f-for t-t-t-t-the b-b-b-b-b-best," she said faintly. Or as faintly as you could when it took you half a minute to say a simple phrase.

"Good. You should take care of yourself more," he told her, heading to the balcony again, "And lock that door for Pete's sake. You might get some crazy paedophile of a stalker coming in here and sneaking up on you and disrespecting your privacy, possibly molesting you."

Neither of them noticed how much that sentence applied to the one saying it. But, since it's Ikuto and this was Amuto, everything was fine and legal. *insert squee and subsequent words, exclamation marks, ones and twelve here*

And so, the next day, Amu's mother brought her to see the doctor because of her excessive stutters and kingdom of blushes.

And so ends the generic Ikuto-visits-Amu-in-her-bedroom story. Gosh, what original and sensible Amuto those are!

(SQUEE!! I *heart* AMUTO!!1!1!! Amuto PWNS!!!1!1!!12!1!!)


A/N: Has anyone else noticed how much Amu stutters in, well, almost all Amuto fanfics? Amu ain't a freak, mmkay? Just so we're clear.