I'm gonna come right out with it. I fucking hate Twilight! I hate it so much and Alucard feels the same way. Please review, but no flames. I know there are probably more than a few Twilight fans that have read up to this sentence, but I'm warning you...You should probably stop now! Your teenage heart-throbs have no place in the spotlight...only the obituaries! Anyway, I got this idea with a little assistance from my brother. We both thought it would be good, so here it goes...

Twilight Crazy


After a long day, fighting his way through a sea of weak ghouls, only to confront an even weaker 'vampire', Alucard was feeling very tired. He walked through the streets of London, the collar of his red trench-coat up full. His wide brimmed hat cast a shadow over his face, only leaving his orange tinted glasses visible. He strolled through the crowds, attracting a few suspicious glares from onlookers.

He stopped outside the movie theatre. Posters for the Twilight movie were placed on every wall, leaving no spare room for anything non-Twilight. He ignored it, until he skimmed over the word 'vampire'.

"Hmm. This sounds interesting..." Alucard retraced his steps and went inside. The lobby floor was sticky and the room was dimly lit. The line consisted of hundreds of teenage girls, but not much else. Alucard waited impatiently, stroking his Jackal, considering a quite literal 'cut-in-line'. At long last, he arrived at the ticket salesman. "Twilight, please." He spoke in a deep voice which startled the man. He stared at Alucard and then sighed, handing him a ticket.

"That'll be twelve pounds."

"Thank you." Alucard walked off without paying.

"Hey! You have to pay for the ticket!! Come back here or I'll-" The man froze in place when the barrel of an unimaginably huge pistol poked him in the forehead.

"What will you do?" Alucard asked, a fanged smile crossing his ancient lips.

The man made a noise like a tea kettle and stepped back. "Enjoy the movie sir!" He squealed in a high pitched voice. Alucard turned away, ignoring the man as he ran into the bathroom.

Alucard stopped at another line. This line was to get into the screening room. He growled at the girl in front of him and she turned around to stare at him.

"Calm down!"

Alucard bared his fangs and nearly attacked, but he heard footsteps from behind.

"You wanted to watch this?!" Alucard spun slowly on his heels to face a young blonde woman with large breasts. Her red eyes focused solely on the vampire master as he focused on her.

"Police girl..."

"What is it?"

"It is my hobby to watch films such as this. I love to see the imagination of humans. It is always so funny to see them take down a vampire with a mere piece of wood. It brings a smile to my face!" Alucard grinned, his wicked fangs glistening in the weak light.

"Ok..." Seras looked to the floor, when all of a sudden her eyes fluttered open and she shoved a large tub of popcorn into his face. "Want some? I'll never eat it all!"

"I'm fine, unless you have any blood p-"

"NO!" Seras roared angrily. "I told you! I won't drink blood!" The people in front were suddenly watching the awkward conversation. "He he...Hello." Seras waved at the onlookers. "The cinema's that way!" She pointed ahead of them, her face shining redder than blood. The crowd shrugged and went inside. The floor was even stickier. Alucard's boots repeatedly got stuck on the floor, forcing him to exert more energy in his steps. He sat down in the middle row, in the centre. Seras sat beside him, smiling.

"You know...this is sort of like a date!" She giggled suggestively.

"Hardly!" Alucard shattered her fantasy in seconds. "I never even knew you were here."

"Never mind then..." Seras looked at her popcorn. A loud rumble startled her. She shot up as if she were sitting on springs. "It's about to start!!" The female portion of the audience, which was exactly 98% cheered and called out. A few lost men made forced cheers, raising their fists lazily.

Then...it started!



"Where are the vampires?" Alucard whispered.

"Right there! That handsome guy! Edward!" Seras pointed to a weak looking man on-screen.

"No he's not! And he certainly isn't handsome! He's lighter than snow! He'd get sunburn from a rainy day!" Alucard raised his voice enough to provoke curses and angry roars from the ring of women who surrounded him. He roared at them to shut up and silence continued.

"Well, he can't be a vampire!" Alucard waved a hand at another weak looking man, also with a reverse tan and a soft expression.

"Yes he is! He's the bad guy!" Seras explained simply.

"Him!! Bad?! What is wrong with you people! He couldn't even beat a kitten in a fight!!" Alucard rose to his feet and continued to raise his voice.

"Shut up!!"

"Sit down!!"

Alucard glared at the people and they pretended not to have said anything. Alucard turned back to the screen, watching for another four minutes, until he reached boiling point.

"!!!" Alucard whipped out his Jackal and emptied the whole clip into the screen. People in the audience screamed and the women ran away. "THIS IS A TRUE VAMPIRE!!! NOT THIS TRAVESTY!" Alucard roared and a multi-eyed dog burst forth from his shoulder. The beast went through the screen and tore it to pieces.

Seras hid behind a row of chairs, ducking under the debris getting thrown about.

"I...HATE...TWILIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHT!!!" Alucard began to breathe raggedly, his shoulders heaving excessively.

"Alucard...Master...Are you alright?" Seras rose from behind the chair, fear in her eyes.

"No!! I'm not alright!! I have witnessed the ultimate crime against my kind! I must take action!!" Alucard thrust a fist into the air and laughed insanely like a Russian Revolutionary.

"Action? What do you mean?" Seras crept closer to the mad blood-sucker.

Alucard turned slowly. His hair was standing straight up, like a network of branches from his head. Eyes sprouted like hideous flowers. His own eyes were wide, his pupils small. His fangs were dripping with saliva and his face was contorted with rage.

"Twilight...It....It...It...Must die!! Yes...It must be stopped! I must stops it I musts!" His head slowly tilted to one side as he whispered the words harshly. He snarled like an animal and then morphed into a group of bats. They flew out of the room, leaving a confused and terrified Seras behind.

You heard him! Bring it on Twilight fans!! Fight us and die!! I hope you see the light now!