Out of reach

By Miss P

Summary: James death affected her more than even she could have foreseen…

Disclaimer: I don't own Victoria or any other Twilight character.

*~*~*

I knew I would stand by him in whatever he decided, and this time wasn't different from all the others. But deep down, I think I already knew that this would change all that forever. That's why I had pleaded with him to stay. I must have sounded pathetic, begging him not to leave me. But he had just laughed, shrugged my hands off him as I'd tried to hold on to him.

I had feared it then, now I was certain something had gone terribly wrong. Would I be too late? I didn't want to think of it, the thought of him gone was more than I could bear. I could feel the panic rise in my chest as I ran.

*~*~*

The fire was still burning as I ran into the ballet studio. They were long gone of course, but her smell lingered. Her blood smeared out on the floor burned my throat, but I couldn't care less right now, the ache was eclipsed by something much stronger. My worst nightmare had come true.

It was too late, but I couldn't stop myself from reaching for him. Or what was left of him. The flames burned my skin and I had to pull my hand back. There was nothing there, nothing for me to touch. Yet I could feel his presence, out of reach, too lost to be saved. The truth hit me hard. I could feel my stone heart breaking. The pain was so intense it almost brought me to my knees.

He had been everything to me, the reason for my existence. It was unbearable to think of him now, when I would never see him again alive, but yet I couldn't stop. I continued to stare at the hot flames in front of me. As in a trance, I managed to retreat when they reached for me. My survival instincts were still strong, even though I had nothing to live for anymore. I didn't stop until I felt the mirrors against my back. They shattered as I hit them, and the pieces scattered to the hard floor.

Far away sirens sounded, and I tried my best to ignore it. But the irritating sound came closer and closer. Firefighters, I suddenly realized. It meant I would have to disappear, but how could I bring myself to leave him here? I was bound to him, even when he did no longer exist in my world. The piercing sound suddenly stopped and before I had time to decide what to do, several men stormed into the burning studio. They yelled to me, trying to save me from the wild fire just inches away from me. They didn't know they were far too late. I was unsaveable.

I felt hands on me as they were trying to move me; they would've had better luck moving a statue. They were shouting to me, but I didn't even hear them, I didn't care. I couldn't take my eyes off the flames.

"James…" it was only a whisper, but the pain in my voice couldn't have been clearer, even to the humans.

The hands disappeared for a while and for a second, the men followed my stare. They looked horrified as they understood. Or at least they thought they did. But just as quick, the irritating hands were back. Why couldn't they just give up? Couldn't they see I didn't want to be saved?

I couldn't take it any longer. Swiftly, I took a step away from them and my body automatically slipped into a crouch and a loud hiss escaped my lips. The firefighter's faces shifted from shock, to fear, to confusion very fast. They stared at me, frozen in their positions. I growled.

Then I threw one last look at the flames, before I ran. And I didn't stop running for a very long time.

*~*~*

I couldn't be sure, maybe it was hours, days, or maybe even weeks, but when I found myself surrounded by the green I recognized so well, I knew where I was. The ferns and the moss covered tree trunks felt like home, in some twisted way. This wasn't just any forest, it was Forks. But I was alone. For the first time in my immortal life I was truly alone. With a stab of pain I realized that was how it was going to be from now on. They had arranged that. They had taken my mate, my lover, my life, away from me, just to protect their little… snack.

I had begun to run slower, and soon my pace broke off into a walk. I walked aimlessly around the forest, just to have anything to focus at. If I stopped, I knew I would feel the overwhelming pain again. And if I let myself feel, I wasn't sure I would be able to keep myself from breaking.

But of course I should have known there was nowhere to hide. Everything I had been trying to outrun caught up with me. I couldn't hold back a scream as the pain stabbed my already lifeless heart. It spread through my chest in full force, consuming me. I couldn't walk, but I couldn't bring myself to stop either. Desperately, I tried to remember how to move my feet. I couldn't. I stumbled forward on trembling legs, but only managed a few more steps before my whole body was shaking violently.

I sunk to my knees, screaming at the dark sky. It felt good to scream. All these feelings were too big for my body; I needed to release them, if I didn't want them to kill me. Maybe they would anyway. What did I know? And maybe that was what I really wanted, to escape it all, one last time.

I could still see him before me; still feel his lips crushing against mine, his rough hands on my body. He used to be rough with me, sometimes even hurt me, but whether it was from rage or lust, it didn't make me love him less. I wanted it all back. I had never imagined my life without it, and I hadn't thought I would have to. There was no way I would be able to get over this pain. The Cullen's wouldn't have to kill me; the tearing agony would manage that all by itself. It was already ripping me apart, burning me from inside.

My breaths came out in short gasps as I was fighting for the air I didn't need. Loud tearless sobs shook my body and I curled up on the forest floor. The world was spinning so fast around me; it didn't even help that I closed my eyes. I seriously started to wonder if vampires could faint. I felt like a little girl who had just lost her mother. Everything I knew had been taken from me and I couldn't, didn't want to fight against myself anymore. My future had turned black, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I let it all go. Hell with self-control, hell with strength. What did all that mean anyway? In the darkness and shelter of the woods, I allowed myself to cry, to scream out the pain and despair that was crushing me.

"I can't believe I almost pity her."

The voice was like a whisper carried by the wind, but I didn't have any trouble hearing it.

"Victoria? How can you…" her angelic voice was filled with disbelief, almost anger.

The male voice was saddened when it spoke again. "I can feel her pain, Alice. She truly loved James," it was all he said. It was all he needed to say.

"Oh… I guess it's kind of awful then, but they…"

She was cut off. "I know. We did the right thing. Bella is a part of our family now."

Bella. Bella… she was the reason I was on my own, crying my useless heart out. That hideous human girl was the reason my world had stopped. I couldn't let her live. I would have to finish what James had started. I had no choice; I would have to do it for him. Or else, all this pain would be for nothing.

When I thought her name, I was filled with hatred stronger than anything I'd ever felt. It took the edge off the pain and allowed my body to calm down enough for me to be able to get back up on my feet.

For a moment I couldn't help but think that it was wrong. That taking Bella's life would only bring more pain. Did I really want anyone, even my worst enemy, to feel like I was feeling right now? How could I choose to inflict such a horrible nightmare on someone else?

I realized I'd known the answer to that before I even asked the question. I wanted someone else to feel like this. I wanted, no… needed, to hold on to this hate. Then maybe it would ease the pain just a little bit. I would do whatever it took to be able to breathe again. And if I had to hurt someone else, if putting him through this hell would make me feel a tiny bit better, who could blame me for doing so? Maybe it would help to know that someone else was feeling like I did, maybe even worse, though I strongly doubted that was possible.

Yes, I wanted Edward to suffer as much as I did. I wanted to take his life, the reason for his existence away from him, the way he had taken mine.

It was only fair...

*~*~*

End