"Oh come on, didn't you get enough of this last night?"
"I wanted to talk about last night."
"You don't want to start this with some question that is going to hurt?"
"No. I want to talk about what you said last night."
"Whatever Sam. Talk about it. Don't talk about it. It doesn't change anything."
"You can't really believe that I didn't miss you."
"I can. You showed me a million different ways."
"I don't want to do this Sam."
"We need to discuss it."
"We aren't girls."
Sam let out a frustrated sigh and sat up, turned on the light, got up, and smacked his brother in between his shoulder blades. "Ow! What was that for?!"
"I want to discuss this! Don't turn your back on me."
"You turned your back on me long before I turned mine on you."
"I thought we were past this."
"I thought we were too until you started asking me all of these questions."
"You really thought I didn't want you back from hell?"
"Yeah. I did."
"What? Why? How?"
"Simple. Just freaking simple Sam. You left me…"
"I was trying to save you.."
"You left me when I was so scared Sam I could barely breathe. Do you know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to be so scared that literally you want to curl into a ball and cry?"
"You never did that."
"You sure Sammy? You sure? You were gone a lot of the time." Sam's mouth went dry.
"Did that actually happen?"
Dean debated for a second and then said, "Yeah. I ended up with my back to a corner, shot gun by my feet starring at the door and waiting for something to come and get me, take me back to hell. I was convinced that the next person who walked though that door would have demon eyes and come with a hell hound and rip my soul out of my body and take me back down to hell. It was awful." Dean stopped and sat up straighter and ran a h and over his face. "At first, I though they took you, and that's why you're bed was empty. I really thought they had come and taken you away from me. I still don't know what is worse: demons coming and taking you away from me, or them coming and taking me back to hell. No clue. I just know that I was in a corner of a motel room, gun at my feet, and I was so scared I couldn't stop shaking. Just couldn't stop."
"I never found you that way." Sam said tentatively.
"No. I'd stay there until the panic attack subsided, then I would go splash water on my face, tell myself to get it together, and then I'd go back to bed, and not sleep, or sleep and have nightmares." Dean shook his head and looked at his brother. "I didn't have my shit together, and you were checked out and weren't in the mood to help me get my shit together. I was so scared and lost. I always thought you had my back, and you didn't."
"I was trying to have your back, Dean. I really was. I thought that by getting stronger, and being ready, I could protect you."
"I didn't need protection, I needed my brother."
"You weren't yourself."
"I couldn't. I'm still not the guy who went to hell. I never will be ever again Sam. That's just facts. I tortured people. I broke the first seal. I worked for the demons, more than you ever did. I did it willingly. I knew what I was doing Sam."
"You didn't know you were breaking the first seal." Sam offered.
"No. That I didn't realize." Dean shook his head. "I really have no right to say anything. I mean, I shouldn't be angry with you, I don't really have a right to be hurt. I mean, I left you. I…I screwed up."
"I screwed up too." Both men sat in silence for a few moments, the silence this time not quite as oppressive. "So, you thought that I didn't miss you?"
"Nope. Not at all."
"Wow. That's so far from the truth it's not even funny."
"Can we end this chick flick Sam?"
"Yeah, I suppose we can." Sam sighed and got back into his bed and switched off the light.
"I'm sorry I left you alone and let you think I didn't miss you."
"I'm sorry I died."
"Our lives are weird."
"Damn straight. Now go to sleep." And Sam did. For the first time since he started asking questions, he was able to sleep.