There are a few things that I would like to note beforehand:
1.) It's necessary for me to give you a little background because this one-shot is from the AU I am currently writing, a Snape-adopts-Harry fic (don't worry, I spoil nothing and it can easily stand alone as just a regular one-shot. I merely used the characters from my story because it was easier than making up an entirely new background). Lucy is Julia's daughter, and Julia is married to Severus, who adopted Harry and Grady. Obviously, Snape and Harry are the only canon characters. That's really all you need to know.
2.) Since this is based on my story, I technically could have waited until I had posted said story to post this beauty, but seeing as that won't be until the unforeseeable future, I decided to post it now as a sort of preview. Of sorts.
3.) This is my first attempt at a humor fic, so please, REVIEW and tell me what you think: did you find it funny, mildly amusing, or did you hate it? I really would like to know.
4.) Disclaimer time. I do not own Harry Potter or anything belonging to the Harry Potter world. This idea came from a radio show called Adventures in Odyssey, an episode titled "Sunday Morning Scramble."
Rush to Get Ready
"Wake up! Let's go! Up, up, up!"
Harry groaned and rolled over. "Five more minutes," he muttered into his pillow.
The covers were suddenly snatched away from him. "Get up, Harry! We have a tight schedule this morning."
Harry squinted up at the blurry figure of his adopted mother, Julia. "What? Since when?"
"Since last night!" Julia explained cheerfully. "We are not going to be late today! We've been ten minutes late to Hogwarts for the past two months, and I'm determined that it will not happen today! I drew up a timetable that will dictate our entire morning routine up to the last minute. It's 6:40, and you were supposed to be up at 6:38, so we're already two minutes late. I'm going to wake up Grady; you have until 6:50 to shower. Lucy is supposed to be out by now and Grady is after you. Breakfast will be served no later than 7:00. Chop chop!"
"You have got to be kidding me," Harry grumbled as Julia left the room. "Ten minutes to shower? Lucy is so not going to be out."
Harry pounded on the bathroom door. "Come on, Lu! It's my turn!"
"Go away, Harry! I don't care what Mum says!"
"You're taking up my time! I only have—" Harry checked his watch. "—seven minutes!"
Lucy did not yield. Harry pulled out his wand. "I'm going to unlock this door if you don't let me in, Lucinda Hope," he warned. When that brought no response, he started, "Alo—"
The door opened so suddenly that Harry almost fell in. "I told Daddy that we needed separate bathrooms," Lucy said haughtily, "but does he listen? Nooo. He says it will teach us responsibility. Well, I don't see anything responsible about depriving me from my bath time!"
Harry stared at her.
Lucy, with all the wounded dignity that a twelve-year-old could muster, stuck her nose in the air and flounced past him.
"Er, Luce?" Harry called after her. "Your towel's slipping a bit…"
Lucy shrieked, leapt up in the air, and pulled said towel up around her neck…only to realize that she wasn't wearing a towel, but had on pajamas. "I hate you, Harry!" was heard over the sound of Harry's laughter, followed by the slam of a door.
Well, at least he could take his shower now.
Julia came back up the stairs to tell all of them that they were still running two minutes behind. Harry, dripping, came out of the bathroom. "Morning, Grady," he greeted.
"Morning, Harry. Was that Lucy I heard earlier?" his brother inquired.
"You know girls. So dramatic."
Grady chuckled and went to take his shower.
Harry had barely managed to dry his hair and pull on some clothes when Julia was calling up the stairs, "Breakfast!"
"But I'm not ready!" Lucy wailed from her room.
"Don't worry, I've given us time after breakfast to finish dressing," Julia soothed. "Just come down as you are; we can't afford to lose time!"
Harry, who was feeling pretty good for being the only kid who was ready, went down the stairs and into the kitchen. His father was sitting at the table, already dressed and ready—Figures, Harry thought darkly—sipping a cup of coffee.
"Good morning," Harry greeted, sliding into his seat. He started eating the eggs that were before him.
"Good morning, Harry," Snape returned. He glanced up at his son over the rim of his mug and nearly choked.
"Problem?" Harry asked, noticing his dad spluttering.
Snape hastily set the cup down. "Harry, what did you do to your—"
"Aren't these strawberries beautiful?" Julia came into the kitchen from the back door, holding before her a basket filled with ripe red fruit. Jack, the family dog, followed her. "They'll be perfect for lunch! I'll just stick them in the fridge so they'll stay nice and fresh." She did so and turned around. "Good morning, Harry—" She stopped.
"Morning," Harry replied, and then realized his parents were looking at him strangely. "What?"
"What did you do to your—"
"I think this is perfectly ridiculous!" Lucy declared, storming into the kitchen. "Mum, you know I don't do things well when I am rushed! And look at me! I'm half-dressed!" She held out her arms and spun around in a circle, showing off the top of her Hogwarts uniform and plaid pajama pants. "And Harry played a mean joke on me this morn—" Her eyes fell on Harry.
"What are you laughing at," Harry said crossly as Lucy hunched over.
"N-N-nothing, Harry," Lucy giggled. She straightened up and made her way to her chair, giggling every other step as she glanced at her older brother. "Only, what did you do to your –"
"Sorry I'm late!" Grady came flying into the kitchen, drops of water flinging about from his still dripping hair. In his rush to get to his seat, he knocked over his chair; flushing, he set it upright, sat down, grabbed his glass of juice, took a huge swig, looked over at Harry, and promptly sprayed his mouthful all over the table.
"Grady!" Julia and Severus admonished. Lucy almost fell out of her chair, she was laughing so hard. Harry wiped his face.
"S-sorry," Grady gasped, "but—but—Harry, what did you do to your –"
The doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," Severus said wearily, getting up. "And for Merlin's sake, can somebody please fix this mess without getting interrupted for once?"
"What mess?" Harry asked, getting a little annoyed. "What do you mean?"
"Your hair, Harry," Julie said. "What did you do to your hair?"
Lucy went into another fit from the whole "hair, Harry" bit.
"What's the matter with my hair?" Harry demanded. He reached up and touched the object in question.
"It's a bit…" Grady was obviously looking for the right word to say. "Thin."
"Thin? He's practically bald!" Lucy shrieked.
Lucy, Harry thought, was getting entirely too much fun out of this.
"What? No, I'm not!" Harry protested. He started feeling all around his skull, and to his horror, his fingers touched not thick, black hair, but smooth, pale skin. "Oh my god!" he yelled. "My hair!"
"It's not that bad," Grady said slowly. "You just need to comb it a different way…or…or wear a hat."
"I don't understand! It was fine before I took a shower this morning! And I used the same shampoo; you know, the one in the blue bottle—"
"Oops," Lucy said in a small voice.
"Lucy?" Julia gasped. "You made Harry bald?"
"He's not bald!" Grady argued. "He just has really…thin…hair."
"Thanks," Harry told his brother dryly.
"Well, you know how Dad lets me brew potions with him sometimes, and I really needed a flask for this one potion, but I couldn't find one, so I dumped out Harry's shampoo and used his bottle instead because I didn't think he'd mind; I know he never washes his hair anyway—"
"I do too!" Harry snapped.
"—and then I forgot to label it and I left it out, and I guess somebody put it back in the shower." Lucy said this practically all in one breath.
"I knew it smelled weird," Harry muttered.
"Yes, the Eau de Bubotuber Pus should have tipped you off right away." Grady ducked as Harry threw a slice of bacon at him.
"Don't worry Harry, Severus can fix it," Julia sighed. "And Lucy, please use a proper holding container next time, okay?"
"Yes, Mum." Lucy looked ashamed.
She should be, Harry thought darkly. Making me bald and saying I don't wash my hair. I wash my hair!
Severus came back into the kitchen. "That was Mr. Jenson. He got into a fight with his spouse and wanted to know if he could use our shower." He sneered.
"What did you say?"
"I let him, of course. It's the polite neighborly thing to do."
"Since when have we been polite neighbors?" Harry murmured to Grady, who snickered. Severus shot a glare at them both.
"Severus, Harry will need something to grow back his hair. It seems Lucy here decided to pull a practical joke."
"It was an accident!" Lucy protested.
"Yeah, okay, and I'm a celebrity!" Harry shot back.
"Uh, Harry? You kind of are…" Grady interjected.
Harry glared at him.
"Right, sorry. Not helping."
"And I do so wash my hair!"
Julia let a horrified gasp.
"What is it?"
"What's the matter?"
Everybody turned to her, scared that she had cut herself or seen something horrible or had her feet sat on by Jack.
"We're late!" Julia Snape shrieked. "Quick! Lucy, get dressed! Grady, feed Jack! Severus, you and Harry go get something to grow back his hair! It's 7:15, we're supposed to be finished with the breakfast dishes!"
For a brief moment, the members of the Snape family just looked at her.
Lucy, in her haste to get out, ran out of the room without looking and subsequently ran into a wall. Grady tripped over Jack and nearly fell headfirst through the screen door to the backyard. Severus grabbed Harry and hustled him down into his potions lab. "Tell me again why I married her?"
"Because Grady and I forced you. Oh, and true love, can't forget that. And there's always the hot s—"
"Finish that sentence and your hair will never grow back again."
"-un. The hot sun."
"Nice save. And you didn't force me."
"We definitely had a hand in it, you have to admit it."
"As I recall, you merely said 'I'm fine with you marrying Julia, if you want' and then promptly passed out."
"I did not! Ouch, that stuff stings!"
"Of course it does, idiot boy, that means it's working. Perhaps you are right, however. You spent so much time passing out those days that I get confused."
"I did not!"
"Roughly once a week, if I recall."
"I did —ow!"
"There. In a short amount of time that messy haystack you call hair will be back in all its glory."
"Thanks. And I did not."
"Relax, Harry. I was…what is the term you use? Ah, yes. I was joking."
"There's no need to get all sarcastic on me."
"But I so enjoy it!"
"…Please don't ever use that tone of delight again, Dad. You just gave me goosebumps."
"Severus! Harry! You're behind schedule!"
Harry followed his dad back to the kitchen, where a rather portly man was sitting at the table, shoveling in cereal at an alarming rate.
"'Ello, Snape. Thanks for letting me use your shower."
Severus sneered slightly. "I see you helped yourself to some breakfast, Mr. Jenson."
Mr. Jenson didn't even blink. "Yep, your lovely wife told me I could help myself."
"How kind of her," Severus murmured.
"Harry," Julia said, coming into the kitchen looking slightly frazzled, "Lucy can't find her favorite shoes. Do you know where they are?"
Harry shrugged. "Nope."
"Can you help her find them, please? I can't believe this, we're ten minutes late…" Her attention shifted to Mr. Jenson. "Mr. Jenson, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to---what is that in your cereal!?"
"Strawberries," Mr. Jenson explained.
"The strawberries from the fridge?" Julia whispered. She looked like she was in shock. Harry slowly edged his way to the door.
"You put them on your cereal?"
"Yep. You said I could help myself."
"Those strawberries were for our lunch!"
"Oh." Mr. Jenkins looked down. "You want them back?" He offered her the bowl.
"No!" Julia said quickly. "No. Just…just…finish them. I can pick some more. If there's time. Which there isn't." She took a deep breath.
Harry made a break for it before steam started pouring out of her ears.
He found Lucy in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. "Alright, Luce. Where did you last leave your shoes?"
"I don't know! Harry, I can't go to school without them!" Lucy turned big, brown eyes at him.
I hate the puppy dog look. "Okay, fine, I'll find them for you," Harry sighed.
"Thank you!" Lucy threw her arms around Harry and hugged him tightly.
"Yeah, yeah. Go get finished getting ready; Julia will have a cow if we get one more minute behind schedule."
Harry went down the hall and into Julia's room. "Shoes, shoes, where are you, shoes?" he muttered as he started looking.
"Harry!" Grady yelled from his room. "Where's my Charms textbook?"
"How am I supposed to know?" Harry yelled back, looking under Lucy's bed.
"You took it, didn't you?"
"Grady, I'm in seventh year! You're in fifth! We don't have the same textbook!"
"Didn't you use it for the D.A.?"
Darn it, he had.
"Yes, but I put it back!"
"Obviously you didn't, because it's not here."
"I can't help it if you misplace your things!"
"I didn't misplace it; you lost it!"
"Harry, did you find my shoes yet?" Lucy yelled from the bathroom.
"No! Lu, are you sure you have to have those particular shoes?"
"Harry! They're my favorite!"
Harry grumbled as he looked in the closet.
"You have to have it, Harry!"
"Did you look on your desk?"
"Of course I looked on my desk! What do you take me for, a Gryffindor? It's not there—oh."
Harry smirked. "It was on your desk, wasn't it?"
Harry scowled. "Alright, Lucy!" He pulled out his wand. "Accio Lucy's favorite shoes!"
Two smacking noises followed by two thuds sounded in Lucy's room.
"Harry," Grady called, "did you just get hit in the face with Lucy's shoes?"
Holding his cheek, Harry stomped his way to the bathroom and practically threw the shoes at Lucy. "Here's your dumb shoes."
"Thanks!" Lucy squealed. "You're the best!"
"Yeah, okay. Get Grady to find them next time."
Julia called up the stairs. "It's 7:45! Time to leave!"
Harry tore into his room and started shoving books into his bag. He poured parchment and quills on top and then tore back out onto the hallway.
"You know what I don't get?" Grady mused as they headed downstairs. "Dad and Julia both teach, right? So they have to be at school early to set up. But Julia said that we've always been ten minutes late. That doesn't make sense, we're never late. We're always early."
Harry shrugged. "She also always says that she never has enough time to get ready for class before class starts when we leave from the house. So I think she meant we're always ten minutes late to being early."
They all assembled in the sitting room. Mr. Jenson, who was still looking apologetic about the strawberries, bade them goodbye. "Thanks for letting me use your shower, kids. And the toothbrush."
"Toothbrush?" Harry, Grady, and Lucy gasped. "What color was it?"
"Um, pink. With little flowers. Well, goodbye!" And Mr. Jenson was gone.
Harry and Grady sighed in relief.
Lucy stood rooted to the floor in shock. "Ohmygod."
"We need to leave!" Julia started handing out floo powder.
"Gross, Lucy! Stop spitting on the floor!" Grady shouted.
"Lucinda Hope!" Severus growled.
"But I've got Jenson germs!" Lucy wailed, expectorating wildly. When she ran out of spit, she just spluttered and started scrubbing her tongue with the sleeve of her robes.
"We don't have time for this!" Julia exclaimed. She grabbed Lucy by the arm and dragged her over to the fireplace. "Lucy, Hogwarts! Now!"
Lucy spit on the fire and it sizzled. "Eew, now there are Jenson germs in the fireplace! I'm not flooing!"
Severus lifted his eyes to the ceiling. "What did I do to deserve this?"
Lucy still refused to go through the Jenson germ-infested floo network, until finally Severus stepped forward, gave her a swat on the rear end, and told her to "Move, young lady, or you'll be serving detention all week! How does scrubbing cauldrons sound to you?"
Lucy, smart girl, moved.
And then finally—finally—they were all through the fireplace and in Severus' office. The Snape family dusted the ash off their robes.
"Would you look at that!" Julia grinned at the hourglass on Severus's desk. "We're on time!"
"Hoorah," Severus said flatly.
"I agree," Grady said. "Being on time early was not worth what just happened."
"Oh, don't be silly," Julia replied. "Of course it was."
"That had to be the most disgusting morning of my life," Lucy commented, shuddering faintly. "Although Harry's hair was pretty funny."
Harry glared at her.
"Oh!" Julia started patting her pockets. "I think I left my wand behind."
"And I seem to have left my grade book behind as well," Severus realized.
"We'll have to go home and get them," Julia decided. "Wait here, children. We'll be back in a flash."
The two disappeared in a roar of green flames.
"That was weird," Grady commented, frowning. "Dad never forgets anything."
"And why didn't Mum just go back and get both items? Or Dad?" Lucy wondered.
"Uh, guys," Harry said. "I just realized something."
"What is it, Harry?" Grady and Lucy turned to him.
Just a couple more things:
1.) Don't ask about the whole passing out thing.
2.) The Snape family spends their weekends at their house--hence, why they're traveling to Hogwarts from their house.
3.) Again, please REVIEW and tell me what you thought; I think it's funny, but I wrote it. Tell me how you liked it.