Entitled: Lacks Creativity
Fandom: Persona 4
Disclaimer: Persona 4 is owned by ATLUS.
Dedication: For Sam! My beautiful lover. I haven't actually told her this part yet.
Notes: Oh my gah, why so cute? Also, this is complete and total crack. As if that weren't already obvious.
Summary: Naoto meets her arch-nemesis. Its name is gym class. — NaotoKanji
"This is barbaric," Naoto said. And indeed, it was. It was a lawsuit waiting to happen, and she fully intended to investigate the matter more thoroughly as soon as she found some way to escape.
"Laps, Shirogane," the P.E. Teacher ordered.
Naoto glared, "Do not presume to tell me what to do, sir. I am perfectly capable of exposing your sadistic treatment of minors, and—"
It was at this point however, that the pair was interrupted by Rise throwing herself in the middle and flirting outrageously. Kanji dragged Naoto to safety.
Naoto steamed, "I would appreciate it," her little frame felt brittle, she held herself so stiffly, "If you did not interrupt me during matters of great importance."
Kanji had no idea what to say to that, and so continued to jog. In the ensuing silence, Naoto stewed. "You will put me down, now," she said, and Kanji blinked at her.
"Thought you didn't wanna run?"
Naoto swallowed her scathing comment, considered, and shifted herself into a position of supreme dignity, "This is acceptable."
Appeased, Kanji continued to trot.
"Naoto," Rise sighed, and thrust a French fry towards her friend as though bits of fried potato carried any weight whatsoever in an argument.
Naoto tried not to look at the fry with deep longing and generally failed.
"Naoto," Rise said again, "You've gotta stop threatening to expel the teachers."
Naoto sat up a little straighter, indignant, "I am merely providing them with the incentive to do their jobs properly."
Rise ate her fry. Naoto ate her envy. "That's not an incentive," Rise grumbled, "That's called threatening and…just eat already, won't you?"
Naoto munched contentedly. Rise, who had been studying her with an elbow on the table, sighed and gave up. "Look. Next time, just get me first, okay? You've got ketchup on your chin."
Naoto wiped her chin in a way she felt to be extraordinarily subtle. "You concern is appreciated but unnecessary. Kanji-kun has already offered his assistance."
"Senpai!" Rise scampered down the hallway. The crowds parted. Such was the power of True Love.
"Hey," Souji said. Rise's heart fluttered and she was forced to latch onto him for several happy moments. Souji patted her head absently and continued writing his history paper. Rise abruptly remembered that she was on an Extremely Important Mission, and so maximized her cuteness factor. A lesser man would have been overwhelmed.
Souji just looked faintly suspicious.
"So, I was wondering if—"
"Okay," Souji sighed, and started gathering his things. Rise squealed.
"WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?!"
"WHY ARE YOU SO…SHORT?!"
Chie assumed an extremely awkward battle pose. Yosuke sneered.
"Hello, sensei!" Teddie greeted Souji with an overly-abundant wave, his hair shimmering and eyes painfully neon, "You're just here to see Chie-chan and Yosuke battle to the death!" Teddie was perched on one of the desks pushed to the edge of the classroom, and seemed to be the only one still watching the failings of under aged minds. Teddie leaned towards Souji, and lowered his voice, "Chie-chan's bear-y upset. Yosuke accidentally set their science project on fire!"
Souji decided he could deal with the problem on his own.
"I am afraid that I have prior obligations," Yukiko told Rise, and proceeded to gaze broodingly into the distance. Rise tilted her head to the side and cocked a brow.
"That's a bummer. But," she brightened, "Now it'll just be me and senpai!" she clapped her hands together and beamed at Yukiko, "Do you think black underwear's a bit too—risque?"
Yukiko appeared petrified. "I." she stammered, "I must attend to my prior engagement things. Indeed."
"I demand his immediate resignation."
The principal sighed. "Ms. Shiro—Mr. Shirogane? Ah, sorry, Ms. Shirogane. I'm afraid it isn't up to you to decide who—"
"I have numerous connections to law-enforcement agencies."
"'Sides, he's an ass."
"Thank you, Kanji," Naoto and the principal said together. Kanji flushed without really knowing why, and slid down in his chair a bit. The principal cleared his throat.
"As I was saying, Ms. Shirogane, requiring a student to run laps is hardly a deviation from the standard behavior—"
"I must challenge that notion. Please explain to me what is accomplished by running in circles other than physical exhaustion."
"Ms. Shirogane," the principle looked hopefully at the clock and had his hopes crushed, "There is no point. You simply have to do it."
"This statement is incorrect," Naoto sat straighter, eyes gleaming. Kanji was just waiting for her to yell, "Objection!" or something like that.
"It has come to my attention that Rise Kujikawa is excluded from the torture you seem determined to force upon us."
The principal looked at Naoto sternly, hands steepling upon his impressive wooden desk. "Ms. Shirogane, I am surprised. I was under the impression that you and Ms. Kujikawa were friends. Surely you are aware of her illness?"
"Illness?" Kanji repeated, "Wha'sa matter with her?"
"Ms. Kujikawa suffers from a very seriously medical condition, and must be kept from sweating at all costs."
"I see," Naoto said seriously, "And that is why we now have airconditioning."
The principal beamed, "Quite."
"How is hiding in a closet going to avert impending disaster?"
"Oh, senpai, you think too much!"
"You see, Kanji?" Naoto said proudly as they exited the headmaster's office together, "We have indeed accomplished something, and gathered valuable information as a consequence."
"Uh, yeah," Kanji shoved his hands in his pockets, "Great."
Nodding firmly, Naoto's stride lengthened, and she lead the way to the gym, tapping the teacher smartly on the shoulder. "Sir," she announced in a perfected Smug Detective voice, "I have a medical condition and cannot run."
"Then you're lucky," said the teacher, who was too busy staring at his clipboard to even look at Naoto, "We're starting the swimming unit today. In your suit, Shirogane."
Naoto stood rooted in horror until several minutes had passed and her composure had more or less returned. She took a deep breath and spun, launching into a speech that sounded a step below robotic, "Despite our failure, I would like to thank you for your assist—Kanji, your nose appears to be broken."
"'S fine," Kanji squeaked.
"WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE SET YOURSELF ON FIRE INSTEAD?"
"YOU DIDN'T EVEN WORK ON THE PROJECT."
"I WAS THE SOUL OF THE PROJECT."
"YOUR MOTHER TEMPORARILY CONSIDERED CALLING YOU 'OOPS' WHEN YOU WERE BORN."
"I KNOCKED UP YOUR MOTHER."
"CHIE, THAT DOESN'T EVEN WORK."