My name is Ran Gordae.
Or at least… That's what I'm meant to call myself now. My real name was only used in my original dimension, so… Yeah. While I'm trying to get home, I'll be the Gordae and not the Smith I once was.
Now, I'd better explain who I am, I suppose.
Brown Hair [same shade as eyes, but a few shades darker in the winter.]
Slightly tanned skin [as a result of family lineage on one side coming from hot countries]
A bit of a belly [as a result of a little too much sweets and suchlike when I was a little boy… Which I never got round to losing, not out of laziness, but actually out of a lack of desire for the pain and smelliness of exercise. I do occasionally go for a run and sometimes practise my karate though.]
A bit of muscle [Although I wouldn't win any strongman competitions, I could beat the average person at arm wrestling, and my kicks are lethal. I guess this is well hidden since most of the fat on my is around my waist, so that area has no muscle feelable, whereas my arms and legs and chest feel pretty tough. This really doesn't explain how I look very well, except it gives the impression of a really buff guy with one of those floating donut thingies people ride on holiday on his waist under his clothes.[big clothes, eh?]]
My tale begins a long time ago, at least, so far as in the time in my dimension ran…
It was 2009. I was writing a story in my bedroom whilst a thunderstorm was raging outside.
Naturally, eventually a bolt of lightning hit something electric, broke every fuse in my house, and some of it went into my computer.
I already began to suspect that something was wrong, since the power was out, and, since I had pretty much fucked up my laptop's battery, my laptop should have died immediately.
Nothing happened. The battery reading was still "full".
I decided to ignore it, and keep on writing.
Eventually… I finished my story, very quickly.
Then the odd things started to happen.
My computer went totally black, and began to scroll across with green text, almost like the first scene we see with Neo in the first Matrix movie.
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.
"What the heck?" I asked, looking at the onomatopoeic words forming.
SMACK. SMACK. ….
Then it stopped for a moment.
HELLO. YOU ARE CURRENTLY BEING DIVERTED FROM YOUR REGULAR PROBABILITY AXIS, AS A PART OF A MEASURE TO SAVE REALITY. PLEASE HOLD, AND WE WILL PUT YOU THROUGH TO YOUR NEW DIMENSION SOON.
"Wait, what? New dimension? Probability? Shit. Alternate universes!"
I got up out of my chair, and quickly moved.
Just as I got up, the screen changed again.
PLEASE WAIT. OTHERWISE, WE MAY HAVE TO RECONSTRUCT YOUR BODY, AND WE MAY NOT GET YOU ENTIRELY HUMAN, SINCE WE HAVE LITTLE EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR VERSION OF EARTH'S HUMAN BEINGS ANATOMY.
Then everything went black in the real world.
Streams of text and numbers were whizzing around me, and the floor gave out beneath me.
However, I didn't feel like I was falling. More like I was floating.
Some text floated n front of me.
SORRY ABOUT THIS. APPARENTLY, YOUR UNIVERSE IS DUE FOR ANNIHALATION, BUT THE SHIP'S COMPUTER DECIDED TO RESCUE YOU, SO HERE WE ARE…
"Where am I? Also, wait, what the fuck, my universe is getting destroyed?"
HEH. YOU'RE CURRENTLY IN MY COMPUTER, I'VE CREATED A MESSENGER ACCOUNT OF SORTS FOR US TO BE HAVING THIS DIALOGUE.
YES, YOUR REALITY IS BEING DESTROYED. AMUSINGLY THOUGH, IT IS BY A RACE FROM A REALITY YOU CONSIDER TO BE FICTION.
I considered this for a moment.
Why do I get the feeling that it's going to be Vogons?
THE VOGONS OF VOGSPHERE. THEY DECIDED THAT YOUR REALITY WAS… APPARENTLY, DESERVING OF DESTRUCTION, AS NO SYSTEM IN YOUR UNIVERSE HAS MADE CONTACT WITH ANY OTHERS YET, AND THUS IS CONSIDERED TO BE WILD ANIMALS TO BE HUNTED BY THE GALACTIC COUNCIL IN THEIR UNIVERSE.
"What? That seems… Not very Douglas Adams-ish."
… WHO'S HE?
"The creator of the Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy series?"
… I THOUGHT IT WAS EOIN COLFER?
"Nah… He wrote a sequel to the main books, called 'And Another Thing'… It doesn't compare to the originals…"
INTERESTING. SO…. BASICALLY IT WAS FANFICTION?
There was silence then, as the text swirled around me nonsensically.
Then something occurred to me.
"Wait, so everyone I know is dead?"
PRETTY MUCH. AS I SAID EARLIER, SORRY. IF IT WASN'T FOR THE COMPUTER DEMANDING YOUR RESCUE OR IT WOULD STAY THERE FOR THE DESTRUCTION, THEN YOU WOULD ALSO BE DEAD.
"Why couldn't you save anyone else?"
BECAUSE… ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. YOU GUYS ARE MEANINGLESS TO ME, AS FOR EACH ONE OF YOU I SAVE IN THIS WORLD, YOU ALSO DIE IN ANOTHER. I PREFER TO LET THINGS TAKE THEIR COURSE… AH, GOOD. THE TELEPORTER IS READY NOW.
YEAH, I'VE SOUPED IT UP A LITTLE, SO IT CAN TURN DIGITAL CONSTRUCTS, LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW, INTO ACTUAL BODIES.
"So… I'm not real?"
DEPENDS ON YOUR DEFINITION OF REAL, BUT… YEAH, YOU'RE ABOUT AS REAL AS A CHARACTER IN THE SIMS…
"Urgh, don't you dare put me in a swimming pool. Beam me up, Scotty, so we can talk face to face."
HMM. WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM TALKING. DO YOU MIND IF I CREATE A BABEL FISH IN THERE? IT'S CHEAPER TO CREATE ONE DIGITALLY LIKE THIS THAN IT IS TO BUY ONE… TECHNICALLY IT'S ILLEGAL TO MAKE LIVING VERSIONS OF CONSTRUCTS LIKE YOU, BUT SINCE YOU WERE ALIVE BEFORE, YOU'LL BE FINE.
"Illegal?" I asked, quickly realising something important, "But wouldn't that mean the Vogons…"
HEH. THOSE CRABSMASHERS WON'T BE ABLE TO CAPTURE US. WE'RE IN A CLASS-Z PURGU HYPERSTREAM YACHT. ONE OF A KIND. SURE, THEIR SHIPS CAN TRAVEL BETWEEN UNIVERSES, BUT ONLY MINE CAN CONTROL WHERE I AM INSIDE OF IT.
"So… You don't have an Improbability Drive or anything like that then?"
URGH. DUDE, THERE'S ONLY ONE SHIP WITH AN IMPROBABILTIY DRIVE, AND THAT'S THE HEART OF GOLD. DIDN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS?
"Hmm. Strange. Most fanfictions assume they're common, when they mention it."
WHICH IS WHY THE FANFICTION OF HITCHHIKER'S IS RATHER LAME IN COMPARISON WITH THE ORIGINAL WORK! NOW… I'VE GOT THIS THING READY… PREPARE TO WAKE UP ONCE AGAIN, RAN!
OH, IT'S A NAME THAT'S BEEN RATTLING IN YOUR BRAIN FOR A WHILE… SORRY BOUT THE BRAIN SCAN, BUT I HAD TO, SINCE I HAD TO DIGITALLY ENCODE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IN…
"Ran… Hey, that's what I used to call my character in KOTOR! Ran Starcross! But… Starcross is rather lame outside of that situation… How about…. Gordon, or Gordae?"
RAN GORDAE? HMM. COULD WORK. BESIDES, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CALLED GORDON. I KNEW A GUY, AND HE WAS STRANDED ON A PLANET FILLED WITH FLASH GORDON FANBOYS AND FANGIRLS. HE WENT CRAZY IN TWO DAYS, AFTER THE HOWLS OF "GORDON'S ALIVE?" AND THE FLASH SONG KEPT ON OCCURING AROUND HIM.
"…Just rematerialise me, alien!"
AS YOU WISH… APE-MAN.
Then came the most horrible pain I had ever experienced.
You may be wondering who our rescuer is? Well… It's not who you think. I was indeed originally going to make it be Zaphod, as the final line there suggests, but… Yeah. Zaphod just HAPPENS to rescue another human from being destroyed by Vogons, and somehow is intelligent enough to say all of the above? [Zaphod would have stuck in a few zarks and froodys and so on in there to jazz it up, and have insulted Ran earlier.].
So… Howabout until the next chapter, we call our phantom rescuer PR, okay?
This chapter was going to be longer, explaining why the Earth was to be destroyed, using the idea that the Vogons were still attempting to destroy all versions of Earth in all realities, but then I decided that making it a training exercise for the Vogons would be slightly more personal for Ran, since the fact that it is his homeworld doesn't matter… It was just a target for them.
Oh, and yes, they destroyed his entire universe, Every galaxy, every star.
An experimental weapon the Vogons call the "Signal of Peace", which was a part of a particularly horrid poem by a low-ranking Vogon on the original Yellow Ships that struck Earth in the main canon.
The Poem, by Rong Vay, goes as follows:
Oh, Signal Of Peace,
How I fire you in the air!
And when the pzoobits come with their fleas,
I give them a scare!
They die with a bit of a grunt,
Especially the smallest one, he was just a little runt!
And so all the Whos upon that day,
Gave thanks to the Grinch who killed them all!
It can be noted that Rong Vay was slightly deranged, even for a Vogon, and occasionally made references to Dr Seuss's work, even though he had never read it until the day he died, which, unfortunately, hasn't happened yet, but apparently, on his deathbed, a person gave him a copy of the book to make him get his references right for his final words.
His final words were reported to be "Ouch my throat really hurts, please stop strangling me, I am not the same Vogon I was".
To be fair though, he had just poisoned all the others in the ship as him, and was attacking them all with a piece of roast beef, using various shadows on the ship to jump out and knock people out.
He killed 2 people before he was strangled to death.
No-one really missed him.