by Suppi no Miko

Kaho once told me that I was no good at being sad. At the time she was breaking up with me, but she had a point.

When Mom died, I could deal with it because Sakura needed me. When Sakura woke up in the middle of the night, it was me as often as Dad that heard her, or woke up staring into green eyes beside the bed, with their owner clutching her blanket. And it was me that told her that Mom had gone to a place wher she wouldn't have to be sick anymore, because Sakura was a big girl and Mom didn't have to worry about her, since she knew that Sakura could take care of herself. I told her that Mom wasn't like the spirits that I saw and she sensed; that Mom was in a pretty place because we all loved her and she could be there without worrying about us. So that's how I worked through my grief then. Dad had to continue working, he depended on me to take care of both of us.

I don't think I'm any good at being worried, either. Sakura's things are dangerous, I know, but she hasn't told me about them and I don't want to ask her. It hurts me that she doesn't, but I think she's trying to protect me. Still, that dam' stuffed animal thing of hers had better take care of her. And that brat, too. I think he's beginning to like her. No, I know he's begining to like her, and I know what that means. I've taken care of her since she was born -- no, since before she was born. I think I knew as soon as Mom did that she was pregnant with Sakura. I remember staring at her stomach, finally asking her why there was a little girl inside it, and she told me that it was my new sister. I've always, always taken care of my little sister, and now that brat is going to take her heart away from me.

But right now that's the least of my worries. If Yuki doesn't realise soon, if he doesn't let me help him, I think I'm going to find out just how bad I am at being sad. I'm not going to die or anything stupid. I'm just going to find out how sad it's possible to be and still live.

I've thought out this decision. I've looked at it from every angle, up and down and side to side and at a tilt. I've considered it night and day, noon and midnight, but I've firmly made up my mind. I won't change it.

Because Yuki's the most important to me, because Sakura is my little sister, because if I don't, Yuki's other form will disappear, and Yuki along with him, I've made up my mind. I don't know what's going to happen to me, but really, do I care? I know I won't die. Things will be different, but I'll still be here. Sakura will still be here. And Yuki will be, too. So I won't have any regrets.

The only thing that worries me is that I won't be able to tell when Sakura's in trouble. I think...I'm almost sure that Yuki's other form was created to protect her, but I'm sure that he only does it because it's his duty. I don't want Sakura taken care of because she's a duty. And...if you protect someone because you "have" to, it's bad. Even if I tell him, Protect Sakura and yourself, it won't be the same as him doing it because he wishes it. I think that if I give him my power he'll begin to care for her. I don't know how he could avoid it. But even so...

I have firmly made up my mind.

Because... Kaho's right. I'm really no good at being sad.