"Showcase the skills you were given at birth,
Live your life here for what it's worth,
Show all the style you perfect in life,
Show all the way to make it right."
"Shannon, I'm not sure I can do this man...."
"Jeffro, c'mon, we didn't come all this way for you to pussy out. Get out of the car, throw your guns for the cameras and lets get inside. We have to do this now. We're here."
That car door handle, well it feels like a fire burning against my skin right now. I hope I'm doing the right thing, in fact, I'd better say that prayer and ask that my Mamma watches over me like I always hope. She'd know I was doing this for all the right reasons even if Matty can't understand. My back is breaking and I can't do what I used to do. All I've ever wanted to do is live my dreams and I'm scared that soon I won't be able to do that anymore.
See, I'm the baby. I was the apple of my Mamma's eye. Nobody ever managed to hate me as much as she loved me and I miss her. Sure I've got Dad and Matty but she understood, even at an early age. She knew I was different and that life was gonna be hard because of that. When I got old enough, long after she'd gone and I started to dye my hair and freak people out a little, well, I always knew she'd have loved me just the same.
These last few weeks, she's come to me in my dreams. She strokes my hair and calls me Rainbow, just like Matty used to do. She never calls me Jeffrey but she hated that name from the get go, she wanted to call me River or Beau. She knew me and what this life would bring out of me. She's where I get my creative spirit from or so my Dad tells me. I'm never sure he knew her too good, same way he can't never connect with me I suppose.
I'm not sleeping lately, I can't close my eyes at night without thinking of what's going to happen. I don't want to go to jail and I never set out to hurt anyone. I never set out to hurt myself but it just kinda went that way. See, I'm not your average junkie. I don't walk round all stoned and whacked out just waiting for the next hit. I really don't.
See, I try to escape from the long days and the long nights as best I know how. Looks like its the only way I know. I take a few pills and it stops hurting – is that so wrong? It clears my mind and the visions come that make me paint and sing. I scrawl for hours in my notepad, page by page I'm spelling out my soul just to try and let out what's wrong. Matty just don't get it. He's so strong and so normal. He never tries to make me feel like the fuck-up that I am but he looks at me with those big pitying eyes and I know what he's thinking of me.
I used to lay there at night and he'd stroke my hair, softly singing country songs to me till I'd fall asleep. He never told our Dad he did that and he sure as damn never told anyone that he was still doing it when we were on the road wrestling together. I used to think that he needed it as much as I did. Maybe looking back though I was wrong. That's why I can't sleep now and that's why Mamma comes. She tells me Matty will change his mind and it'll all be ok, I hope she's not lying to me.
Beth never complains about how close me and Matty are. She's never seen us any different until now. I can't blame her for what's going wrong but I know Matt does. He wants me to have someone more stable, a better person to help guide me on my way. I get the feeling he gave up on me now and it breaks what's left of my heart. I found that better person but, well, lets just say it didn't come off as I'd planned.
And in the middle of all this I decide to tip my life upside down. I'm not gonna lie and say Shannon talked me into it. I'm not even gonna try and make as if Hogan was behind this. It was all me and maybe a little bit of Phil if I'm gonna be real honest. I defy anybody who's a screw up like me to listen to someone running you down all the time and it not to start eating away at you inside. I never did care if he was kidding or if he was serious as I damned sure couldn't ever tell. All I know is it made me sadder than I'd been in a long time.
When I got the call back to come here tonight I just said yes. I didn't ask no terms, nothing. I wanted to be back in the ring as I've realised its there when I don't need nobody. I can be me. Getting up on that top rope scares the shit outta me every time. It always has and I reckon it always will but I do it because its where I feel the most free. When I take that leap there's nobody there but me. If people ever thought I was most addicted to pills then they don't know shit about me. Every time I fly, in that second before I hit the floor, hit the mat, hit the guy I'm fighting, that's me. That's where Jeff Hardy begins and ends, right there.
Sometimes I lie there afterwards and I'm pretty busted up but I don't care. I want to make everyone proud of me. Everyone that ever shouted for me, shouted at me – I don't care. I spent my whole damned life so far with most people hating me so why should that hurt me. The only one who ever got under my skin like that who wasn't blood to me was Phil. He's the reason I'm here today, scared to get outta this car. He broke me more than any fall I ever took and any loss I ever had.
See, I always wanted to have some love of my own. Beth and me, well that's the kinda love I thought I wanted. She's always been good and true and kind but I didn't just want that. My soul is like a two way mirror that only I see into but I always see everything through it. In Phil I saw something special and I let him get inside Jeff, inside Rainbow. I told him all my dreams and my fears and he laid there and listened till I couldn't talk or cry no more.
I know he had a script to work from but y'know when I got hit with that belt? That was real, nobody but Phil wrote that in. We had a few fights, I rebelled and took some stuff and that's when he said he didn't love me no more. I accepted that and it hurt me but I knew how he lived and what he wouldn't tolerate from me. That night I said goodbye, when I stood there and said "Ours truly, this life." I meant it. I used to say it to Phil all the time cos I thought we had this life down together. I thought we could make it work out. He'd be strong and we'd get there in the end.
That's why I can't go back no more. Vince called me up and pleaded, said he'd keep the door open for me to come back when I was fixed up. He's been a decent man to me and my family. He tried everything he could to stop me coming here tonight including getting Matty to bust my chops to make me feel bad. I hated letting them down but I just couldn't work with Phil now. He spoiled everything we had, everything I wanted to be. I tried to be a better man all because of him and look where it landed me.
I can feel Shannon staring at me sitting quiet, confused by what I'm doing and I know that. He's a good friend but I can't talk to him about all this. Ain't nobody knows my real reasons. Not even Phil. The only one I told is my angel, my Mamma. She keeps my secrets now and tries to take the pain before I have to help myself. Only her that knows what tears me up inside and makes me reach for those pills – its love I got and love I don't got all at once.
Seems like this year is gonna be whole lot of facing up to life. I need to start now and open this door, see where it takes me. When this is done and I lay down and dream tonight, laying with Beth and thinking of Matty and Phil, I'll know I made the right decision. I'm hoping for the peace in me to come.
Wish me luck.
"C'mon Shan, lets go show everyone how we do."
A/N: Just got jumped with this after watching some of TNA on Monday night. It's meant to sound in character so I hope it does :) Lyrics at the beginning are Jeff Hardy - Modest - a great song and the one he uses as his theme in TNA :)