A/N- Every once in a while, I like to write one-shots between chapters of Kasuto's Redemption. This was a little inspiration that hit me while I was working on the latest chapter. If you're reading Kasuto's Redemption, then you're amazing and you have my gratitude. If you've never read it, then I strongly encourage you to at least check it out. You never know; you may just like it. Enjoy the letter.
Dear Mr. Ganondorf,
We are extremely honored that you would seek admission into our illustrious International League of Villians. Your resume was quite impressive, and we thought the decapitated soldier's head you sent was a nice touch. Your paperwork was all in order. The documents detailing the King of Hyrule's submission were valid, though we found it quite intriguing that you've invaded Hyrule not just once or twice, but multiple times in your lifetime. The Triforce of Power seems like a very potent weapon and would make an excellent addition to the League's diversified personalities. You also meet the quota set in Article 666, Paragraph 13 for mindless minions.
Unfortunately, after investigating your past exploits, we discovered a number of disturbing trends. We have conveniently outlined them for you below along with some advice on how to fix them.
1. Losing To A Child: We have noticed that a majority of your conquests have met with disaster at the hands of a little boy. Not only is this humiliating for you, but tarnishes the image of the league as a whole. This could easily be rectified by proper modernization. By introducing what is known as a television to Hyrule, you will cause children to spend hours numbing their brains to horrible programming. Even if your nemesis should confront you, he will be too lazy and stupid to stand against you.
2. Hesitancy To Take Action: This is closely connected with the first trend. Even when the boy starts his quest, our records indicate he is quite weak. This would be an opportune time to strike, yet we have discovered you choose instead to recline in your castle and play your organ while you wait for him to bring the fight to you. Although we understand every villain needs a hobby, there comes a time when preventive measures must be taken. For crying out loud, kill the boy while you can instead of letting him grow in power by going from dungeon to dungeon!
3. Tolerance of Native Plants: DNA tests of Hylian plants indicate a startling trend to leave behind hearts and money when cut down. Your nemesis has already discovered this process and uses it to heal his wounds and buy more powerful upgrades. Once again, simple preventive methods would fix this. By simply burning down these plants permanently, your enemy would be unable to heal himself. Furthermore, his progress would be forever hindered should he be forced to buy those expensive Triforce Charts from the dreaded Tingle. You have hordes of minions at your disposal; use them!
4. Inadequate Protection Of Weaknesses: Even the most powerful villains have weaknesses, and your resume indicates you are susceptible to weapons called the Master Sword and Light Arrows. Yet, even so, you are too busy playing your organ to simply send a few of your most powerful monsters to guard them. Once again, preventive methods.
5. Failure To Destroy Motivation: Our resume indicates you often favor kidnapping to lure your nemesis to your lair. While at first glance this seems like a good idea, your first few failures should have told you that it is not. It motivates the enemy to strive harder, strengthening them to overcome any obstacles thrown at them. If you refuse to kill your nemesis right away, then at least kill the one you kidnap once her usefulness has ended. You will find with remarkable success that your nemesis will lose their resolve to fight and will instead decide to watch television (see complaint one above)
6. Insufficient Use Of Resources: Analysis of your nemesis indicates more deaths to angry cuckoos than any other source. Though the animal seems harmless at first glance, proven tests have shown that with proper stimulation, they develop into an unstoppable force. Failure to utilize such a potential resource is unacceptable.
In conclusion, I am sad to state that your request to join the International League of Villians has been denied in favor of your compatriot, Tingle. He has demonstrated a greater mastery of exploitation, intimidation, and flexibility that distinguishes him as a qualified member. We look forward to receiving another application from you in the future when a position opens up.
George W. Bush, League President