Omake 8: He's a giver!
Minerva McGonagall was annoyed that it was once again that time of the month.
Not that time of the month. She was an old woman for Merlin's sake!
No, It was time for the monthly staff meeting.
On the first Friday of every month the entire staff was called together for a little pow-wow. Students loved this time because they could do whatever they wanted for about an hour without risk of being caught
Well, risk of being caught by anyone besides the prefects, that is. None of them ever took their jobs seriously though, so the risk was minimal.
Except of being caught by Ron 'The Nazi' Weasley of course, but he was a special case.
She hated these meetings because she knew the students were running about the school doings things that under normal circumstances would get them in boatloads of trouble, and she could do nothing about it.
She took her seat with a huff.
"Something the matter Minerva?" The old man with the far too long beard asked.
"Besides my constant misgivings about these pointless meetings?" She sent back.
"You seem a tad miffed. Has something ruffled your feathers today?" He inquired, pausing for effect, "Well, more than usual that is?"
"You make me sound like I'm always in a mood or something!" No one interrupted her when she got like this, so she just kept going, "Anyways, it's just… Is it just me, or does it seem like every year these kids get more and more…? I don't know. Okay, take this for example: twenty years ago, did we have anyone like Ms. Parkinson? I strain to recall a time when I've seen her without a tongue down her throat!"
The long haired bat sitting beside her coughed something that sounded awfully similar to 'James!', but she couldn't be sure.
"I not sure there has ever been anyone quite like Ms. Parkinson in the history of this school, but as Severus has so subtly pointed out, James Potter was quite the Casanova in his time." Albus replied.
"Still! Every meeting we all have to listen to Argus complain about having to constantly clean the broom closets. The frequency with which he does must be unprecedented."
"I have to carry around a pair of tongs to every damn broom closet now! Must she leave her… thingies… after every encounter? I know her family is well off, but how can she afford to go through a couple dozen pairs a week?" The caretaker practically screamed.
"Settle down Argus. Settle down. Last meeting I tasked Severus to have a little talk with the young woman, how did that go Severus?"
"Not well Headmaster. Not well."
"Would you care to elaborate?"
"When I confronted her with her constant… ways… she… propositioned me…"
"What?" Half the voices in the room gasped.
"That girl is unstoppable. I threatened to tell her parents about her promiscuous ways and she said they already knew!"
"Well that is unexpected Severus. Well, since there is nothing more we can to do our front, I suggest we let the matter rest."
"But, Albus!" The elderly witch cried.
"Nothing we can do at all."
The squib started mumbling about doubling his cleaning supply budget but everyone tuned him out.
"If I could bring something else up?" Professor Sinistra chimed in.
"This is along the same vein of what Minerva was saying, but I must note that my astronomy tower is constantly being used for… extracurricular activities…"
"Oh? That still goes on, does it?" The old man asked with a hint of a smile.
"Yes, it still goes on! My word Albus, I bring this up every meeting and you ignore it."
"I'm sorry, did you say something dear? You must speak up."
"Albus! You must see reason! Just last week I caught Ms. Lovegood and Mr. Potter in quite the compromising position!"
All the people in the room groaned in unison. Especially the greasy one.
"Mr. Potter and Ms. Lovegood? Surely you jest, Aurora?" Albus said with a touch of confusion.
"No joke, Albus. With what Mr. Potter was doing with this tongue, I'm pretty sure it wasn't laughter I was hearing." The professor snickered.
The rest of the room snickered as well. Well, aside the Potions Professor. He looked unhappy with the new topic of discussion.
"She's not the only one who has caught them, Albus. Just yesterday I saw them doing the exact same thing in my greenhouses." Professor Sprout added.
At that moment Professor Flitwick started laughing uncontrollably and fell out of his chair.
"Filius! Are you alright?" The headmaster asked.
The little man found his way back to his seat, still giggling.
"I'm fine Albus." He said with mirth.
"That was quite the laugh Filius, do you have something to add?"
"Well… I'll just say that Aurora and Pomona are not the only ones to catch them in the act. Strangely enough, it was under very similar circumstances."
"My word. I thought I was the only one to catch them!" Minerva said, "Three days ago I caught them doing exactly the same thing behind a few rocks near the lake!"
"Really? Has anyone else caught them?"
By a show of hands, every single staff member – aside the headmaster and the snarky bat – raised theirs.
"Has it always been with Mr. Potter providing eh… Oral stimulation?"
"He's quite the giver, isn't he?" Minerva mumbled. "Those two are not unlike his parents in their seventh year."
"What!" Severus screamed, "James was a selfish bastard, there is no way he would give in such a selfless way!"
"No, quite right Severus," Minerva said.
"Thank you." Severus said, settling down.
"With them, it was always a two way street. About half and half really…" Minerva amended.
Severus quickly felt faint, "Could have been me…" He mumbled, before getting angry, "There is no way someone like Potter would be willing to do… that!"
"Settle down Severus." The old man said.
The man wasn't listening. He was on his feet and at the door in an instant.
"I'll prove it! NO POTTER IS THAT UNSELFISH!"
And he slammed the door.
After a moment, the old man muttered aloud, "What was I doing again? I could swear Severus was here just a moment ago." He looked back up, and was startled to see a room full of his teachers staring at him, "Oh my, what are all of you doing here in my office?"
"…Staff meeting?" One of the teachers suggested.
"Is it really? Why, the time sure goes by doesn't it? Where is Severus, then?"
Minerva put her hand to her face and groaned.
Omake 9: Foreign Tongues.
"Harry, why are you hissing into my crotch?"
"I gathered as much. Is there a specific reason why you're hissing into my crotch?"
"Well, I just thought maybe it would I dunno, do something? Make It better for you?"
"Well, it's not working."
"Really? I thought for sure that it would work!"
"To tell you the truth Harry, what you were doing before was working just fine. What do those Yanks always say? If it aint broke, don't fix it?"
"Okay, just thought it would help is all…"
Harry went back to work sans the hissing.
Omake 10: Red-Handed
The door smashed open.
"Ah-Ha!" The last person in the world Harry wanted to see cried.
"Uh, hey Professor."
"Don't you 'hey' me Potter. Everyone kept saying, 'Harry Potter is such a giver!' but I knew better! Well now I have proof!"
"Um. Okay. That's… nice and all, but this is not a good time."
"I knew you were— wait, why isn't she stopping?"
"I'm honestly not sure Professor. She gets into this groove and the world kind of disappears."
"Be that as it may, have her stop at this instant!"
"It's really not up to me Professor."
"For Merlin's sake! Make her stop!"
"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you." He gave Luna's shoulder a light shove, "Luna dear, we have a bit of an audience, would you mind stopping?"
She clearly did, because after waiting about ten seconds she was showing no sign of slowing down.
"Give me a sec." He gave her shoulder another light shove, "Luna dear, I appreciate what you're doing, but with Snape in the room I don't see this ever coming to a climax." He whispered in her ear, "He's quite the turnoff dear. Please stop."
Reluctantly with a popping and slurping sound she detached her mouth from his member.
"I knew you weren't as 'giving' as everyone said you were!"
"Seriously Professor, could you please look away for a moment, I need to do up my fly."
"Much better. Now what were we talking about?"
"You're no giver! It's a two way street… Shit. Damn you Potter!"
"What I do?"
"Not you, you imbecile! Your father and… ehh, never mind."
"You realize he's dead, right?"
"I realize that!" He yelled far louder than the situation really required. "Now what we are going to do is walk up to the headmaster's office and I'm going to tell everyone how selfish and stupid you are!"
"So, just an average Friday then?"
"Yes! Wait, no. Damn it Potter, I don't have all day. I've already wasted enough time today trying to prove them all wrong!"
"Wait a sec, are you saying that you've been following me all day?"
"Since the morning meeting, yes."
"Luna and I have been um, that is to say, I've been a 'giver' – your words, not mine – three times today before you caught me now. What the hell?"
"I needed the proof damn it! By the way, Parseltongue? Seriously? How would that have possibly worked?"
"It was worth a shot for Christ sakes!"
"Potter, one of the Dark Lord's most celebrated talents is his Parseltongue. He is not known, however, as a great lover."
There was silence in the broom closet for a good ten seconds.
Luna was the one to break the silence.
"Is this knowledge from… firsthand experience?"
"What, firsthand…? No! God no!"
"That's good to know, Professor. You had me worried for a moment. Not that there would anything wrong if you and the Dark Lord were… Involved."
"I'm not a pouf!"
"Then why have you been following us around all day? After all, you only exposed yourself when Harry's Penis was on display. That must mean something."
"Yeah, you seem quite up in arms about this, surely you must have done things like this when you were in school, right?" Harry added.
Silence. If one strained their ears enough, they could possibly hear the faint sound of a cricket.
"Oh… that explains so much." Luna said.
"Well surely, being the Potions master and Dark Arts master that you are you have been able to net a few hotties since then, right?"
Silence. Cue the crickets.
"Professor are you a virgin?"
"Are you sure you're not gay? You do seem oddly fixated on Harry's Father."
"I'M NOT GAY!" The professor screamed before running from the room and slamming the door.
Both teens sat stunned at the man's abrupt exit.
Harry was the first to speak this time. "Score! No detention or points lost!"
Luna didn't respond. She was too busy working Harry's zipper.
AN: Sorry that the last chapter was so short. Here's a slightly longer one to make up for it!
-Lineape (or PinstripedPajamas if you're so inclined.)