Thanks again for the reviews and so sorry for the delay in updating this!!! But finally, here is an update. I know that I had said previously that the Grammy's sparked an idea for me and I had originally planned on using Glitter in the Air for this chapter, but instead I'm using Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson because I think this fits what I wanted so perfectly, but I may use Glitter in a later chapter. Enough from me, here's your update. Hope someone is still reading this thing!!!


Chapter 6

Rachel positioned her acoustic guitar against her leg before taking a deep breath and starting the song. Her heart was pounding. It had been nearly two months since she had performed in front of a crowd, but she wouldn't allow herself to dwell too much on that performance. Taking Lori's spot for the performance reminded her of some wounds that were still a little raw. Not like there was that much of an audience, there were maybe only fifteen people in the coffee house anyway, and three of them were other performers here for the open mic night. A part of her was hoping that Nathan would show up, but deep down she knew that that wasn't even a possibility.

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted

We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high

It never would've worked out right

We were never meant for do or die

Just one week ago it had been what had become a routine Sunday for her. Wake up early, if she had even managed to fall asleep the night before, go for a long run, and take a shower. She was cutting again, with her razor blade safely tucked under her shampoo bottle, and other places around her room and purse. Nathan and she had shared nothing more than a few kisses since they lost Lori so it wasn't like anyone would notice anyways. No one's noticed that Rachel Berry has been falling apart for months and months now. After her shower she would allow herself a half a cup of fat free cottage cheese (she knew dairy was not good for her vocal chords, but she was fed up with raw vegetables) and then finish any homework for the weekend. She would finally spend three hours practicing on the piano, guitar, and her vocals. She would then get ready and meet Nathan and the rest of the "song writers". She had somehow embraced the routine, enjoying the order that it brought to her life. But she knew deep down that a little piece of the order was going to be missing that night.

I didn't want us to burn out

I didn't come here to hurt you

Now I can't stop

With only one month of school left Rachel wasn't sure if she could make it that far. Faking it was damn exhausting. Faking it in front of Nathan was even more draining. More than that, it made her feel so guilty. Here was this amazing guy, and he deserved so much more than the broken girl she had become. She was just too screwed up for him, which was why she had decided to let him go. He had a chance of finding something good. She wasn't going to stand in his way.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone.

It didn't go the way she had envisioned it. They were sitting at a red light one block from her house when she turned to face him. Somehow the words had just tumbled out of her mouth, 'I think we should stop seeing each other.' It wasn't the speech that she had so painstakingly written and practiced. She tried to rewind and explain it better, but she just kept tripping over the words. She saw the pain and disbelief in his eyes, but she knew that he understood-things weren't what they should be between them. When he pulled up in her driveway he kissed away a tear that was falling down her cheek before telling her Goodbye and good luck. She had managed to give him a watery smile before walking into her house. She leaned against the door and let the tears fall as she heard him drive away.

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always want to make you cry

Started with a perfect kiss

Then we could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so

I love you enough to let you go

For the first three days she had been continually checking her phone. She even called her cell phone from the house phone just to make sure that it was fine. She knew that she had ending things between them, but she didn't think that he would cut off all communication with her. She missed him. To try to distract herself she came up with a melody to the lyrics she had jotted down when she had thought about ending it with Nathan. She had a notebook that she kept hidden under her bed. It contained her favorite lyrics, quotes, and poems, and recently she had begun to write her own lyrics in it. Turns out she didn't quite hate the little music writing group anymore-well she liked the writing, but most of the group she still found a little lame. It only took one night to get it right.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on

So I'm already gone

Which lead her to open mic night at the coffeehouse. She had heard about it through the music writers group and while she first thought why would someone sing to just a handful of people, when you could reach an exponentially larger amount via Myspace, she knew that this required a small and intimate audience-and preferable an audience that wasn't made up of snot-nosed bitches who got amusement out of tearing her down.

I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right

When you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone

There's no moving on

So I'm already gone

The breakup was harder than she thought. She had been going on for a few months knowing that it would be ending once Nathan moved to New York and she thought that that would ease the pain a bit, but it was still so raw that she thought she wasn't going to make it through. Nathan had turned into a sort of anchor for her in this crazy world, and without him she was afraid that she was just going to drift away.

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted

We were always meant to say goodbye

She finally had gotten enough nerve to glance up around the crowd and for the first time tonight she actually took a hard look at everyone there. It looked like there were a couple of college students with their textbooks spread out on the table before them, there was a couple in the back holding hands and quietly talking to one another-Rachel quickly let her gaze move on, not lingering over them-there was a small group along the side wall silently watching the performances, and about three tables to her right she saw Jason sitting with some people she didn't recognize. Jason was part of the group that would stay after the music writing group to just jam, and from what Rachel knew of him, he seemed good enough.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road

Someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I wanted you to move on

So I'm already gone

Rachel moved her gaze to a spot on the wall in the back. She was emotional drained and couldn't take performing to a crowd anymore, no matter how small the crowd was. It may have only been 2 months since she performed, but never in her life had she given a performance that was this raw, this much of a window to her soul.

I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right

When you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone

There's no moving on

So I'm already gone

She stood up and walked back to the table in the corner where she had stashed her guitar case. As she was shutting the latches she felt a small hand on her shoulder. She turned around to find Ms. Puckerman standing there with the coffeehouse apron on-an unfortunate event she did not see coming (last she knew Puck's mom was working closer to home).

"Don't tell Noah." She blurted out before she could get her mind going. "I'm sorry Ms. Puckerman- that was rude. I was just hoping that tonight would have a sense of anonymity to it and you surprised me. How are you?"

"I'm fine Rachel, thank you. I just wanted to tell you how lovely you sang tonight, and for that matter how well you did at Sectionals. You have an amazing gift. And don't worry, I won't tell him anything."

During lunch the next day she made her way out to the bleachers and pulled out her iPod and her book for English. Just as she opened the book to the page she had left off on a shadow fell across. She let out a sigh, why couldn't people stay away from her-you think they'd get the message with the vicious stay-away-vibes that she had been sending out for the past week. When the shadow never moved she looked up the find Puck standing there with an envelope in his hand.

"Yeah?"

"Here my mom wanted me to give this to you." He extended out his hand holding the envelope towards her.

"Why?" She lifted an eyebrow but didn't make a move for the envelope.

"I don't know. Look my mom just asked me to give this to you-it's not like I was just going to tell her no. No one lays guilt trips like Jewish mothers."

"Nothing I would know about."

"Would you just take the envelope Berry?" She cautiously reached out and grabbed the envelope. She opened it and read the note that explained that the owner of the coffeehouse really enjoyed her performance and would like Rachel to come back for the next open mic.

Puck couldn't hold back his curiosity any longer. What could possibly be in the letter-after all Berry had never even met his mom when they were dating, what could she possibly need to write to her about. "So what is it?"

Rachel let out a small breath-if Puck didn't know what it was about than his mother didn't tell him anything about last night. "Nothing to do with anything here. Would you tell her thanks?"

"Whatever Berry." Rachel watched him walk away and couldn't help but think about their last little meeting on the bleachers. He was right, they never where friends. Rachel has been afforded many luxuries-all those dance classes and voice lessons she could ever want, but she was never afforded the luxury of true friends, not until very recently. She lost one because life sucked, and the other she pushed away. She wasn't sure if it was possible to hate herself anymore than she did right now.


Like it, love it, hate it…please let me know. Pretty please review!!!

There's was a bit of Puck in here-much more in the next chapter as well as some more Nathan-he's not out of here yet.