Title: Sinful Thoughts (Outtake)
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of its characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Rating: M cause you never know when a lemon writes itself.
The day Carlisle asked me out was the most exciting day of my young life. He was the boy in school that every girl wanted. Golden hair, piercing blue eyes, and he came from money, not that that mattered to me. I just knew him as the kind boy who always had a smile and a hello for everyone, no matter how low on the social totem pole.
Carlisle was charismatic and that caused him to be the centre of attention for a lot of girls, but he never let it go to his head. When Cynthia Wheeler told the whole school he had felt her up behind the gym, he set the record straight without any harsh words about the girl. I had a few harsh words for her but I kept them to myself. Carlisle made me want to be a better person. I wanted to be worthy of a boy such as him.
I was shocked when he showed up at my locker one Friday afternoon. We spoke in class but this was the first time he had approached me on his own time. His smile was dazzling and I immediately stuttered an awkward greeting.
"Hi Esmeralda," he said, "I wanted to know if you would like to join me for a movie tonight."
I wanted more than anything to say yes, but my parents had been very clear that I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen. I internally cursed those three months I had left to wait.
"I…uh…well you see…" I stammered.
"Oh, well never mind then," he said, looking dejected. He thought I was turning him down, and before I could stop myself, I agreed. "Really?"
"Sure. But I'll have to meet you there."
"Okay, I'll meet you there at six thirty," he replied with a big smile.
"Okay," I repeated lamely. He gave me a quick wink before heading off to his next class.
I told my parents that I was going to the movies with my friend Claire and they bought the story easily. I was surprised because to me it felt like I was sweating bullets and stuttering. I met him promptly at six-thirty and there began our romance.
Carlisle wrote me poems and sang me songs. He was more romantic than a sixteen year old boy had the right to be. The girls at school scowled at me when he carried my books or walked me to class, but I couldn't find it in me to care. I had my dream boy and I just knew we would be together forever.
The first hint of trouble didn't come until he took me to meet his parents. I had just turned sixteen so I was able to tell my folks that I had a boyfriend. They met and loved him instantly. Carlisle had that affect on people. My father always said that he could sell an ice cube to an Eskimo.
We pulled up to his house, and while I knew that his family had money, it never really occurred to me what that meant. His house was easily the biggest house I had ever seen. I nicknamed it the Cullen Castle instantly. Carlisle just rolled his eyes at me. He knew I didn't care about his money just as he didn't care about my lack of it.
He opened the front door for me and I stepped into the mansion. Lavish antique furniture decorated the rooms, and though it was not to my tastes, I could tell it held value. A lady in a black dress took my jacket, and it took a moment to realize that this was not Carlisle's mother but a servant. Carlisle took my hand and led me towards another large sitting room. Both his parents awaited us there.
"Mom, Dad, I would like you to meet my girlfriend, Esme Platt." It was a nickname that he had given me a month prior. No one had ever called me anything but Esmeralda and I loved that it came from him. It made me feel older and more mature. When he said it, it made me feel sexy.
His mother looked me up and down and then raised an eyebrow. I looked down at my clothes, not thinking that I was underdressed. I had worn one of my best outfits to meet them and she was looking like I had worn my gardening clothes.
"Isn't she cute, dear?" his mother asked condescendingly.
"I guess it's better that he gets this phase done with before he goes to college," his dad replied, his voice nasally.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I ran from the room. I heard Carlisle chastise his parents before coming after me. They hated me and they didn't even know me. They took one look at me and decided that I wasn't good enough for their son. I wanted more than anything to prove them wrong but I had no way to do it. I would always be who I was; a nice girl from a meager background.
"Esme, darling, don't worry about them. I love you and I'm not going to let them decide what is right for me." It was the first time he said those words to me, and they filled my heart with joy.
"Really?" I asked.
"Really," he replied. "Let's get out of here, okay?" I nodded and he grabbed my hand and headed to the car.
It was not my last run in with Carlisle's parents, and their behavior certainly didn't get better, but I was more equipped to handle them the next time. Carlisle had assured me of his love and that was all I needed.
On my sixteenth birthday, I gave Carlisle a gift, my virginity. He was caring and gentle and treated me like a queen both before and after. Even when I broke down shortly after afraid that his parents were right about me, that I was just white trash. Carlisle said that if sleeping together made me cheap than it made him cheap too and so we were still perfect for each other. His comment had the desired effect and I laughed.
Things were not as open in my day as they are today. Sure, we knew about birth control but it wasn't everywhere and it certainly wasn't convenient to get. It was so easy to say 'it won't happen to me'. Three months after we started having sex, I missed a period. I was much too scared to tell Carlisle so I did what any sixteen year old girl in my situation would do. I ignored it and hoped it would go away.
By the time I was ten weeks pregnant, I was so sick I could barely get up in the morning. My straight A's were slowly dwindling as I missed more and more school. Carlisle was very worried and stopped by frequently, hoping to help me cheer up. It only took three weeks of extreme morning sickness for everyone to start worrying. My parents wanted to send me to specialists to figure out what was wrong. It was then that I told them.
My mother held me while I cried, never once scolding me for make a poor choice. My father called the Cullens to fill them in, and they, of course, were livid. I was scared because I hadn't had the nerve to tell Carlisle yet and now he was going to find out from his parents.
They of course forbade him from coming to see me. My parents had pulled me from school and I was doing my assignments from home. I sent one note with a friend to school that said, 'I love you and I'm sorry,' but I didn't get a response. She told me that he hadn't shown up that day and then her parents wouldn't let her come over anymore. I never knew if he got the letter.
When three months had passed without a word, I proceeded to look into adoptions. I knew there was no way I could raise the baby on my own and I didn't want my parents to have to raise another child as they were just starting to get to enjoy time together again. Even if Carlisle was there for me, we were too young and inexperienced to handle a baby.
The man at the adoption agency was really nice and had me look through profiles of hopeful parents. I chose a nice couple from a small town who wanted to open their home to my child. I remember tears falling as I signed the papers. I knew it was the right thing, but it didn't make it any easier to give up my baby. Losing Carlisle and then losing the last thing that connected me to him was nearly unbearable.
I remember being in labor. Anyone who tells you that you will forget it is lying. It hurts. In between the contractions, I saw the man from the adoption centre walk past my room with a brunette woman. I had asked that the adopting mother be able to wait in the next room at the hospital so that she could take the baby right away. I knew if I had any time with him, that it would be that much harder to give him up.
"Just wait in this room, Mrs. Swan; we will bring the baby to you as soon as he is ready."
My son, my baby, who should be able to go through life as a Cullen, was going to be a Swan. The thought made me sick but I pushed it down. I was doing the right thing. It hurt like hell, but I was doing the right thing.
When I had delivered, I got to see my baby, but not hold him. It was for the better, because if they would have placed him in my arms, I likely would have never let go. I opted to not put Carlisle's name of the birth certificate. I felt like I could save him from the shame of the situation by leaving that information off. I knew it was foolish, he would never see it, he would never know. I fell quickly into sleep once everyone had cleared out of my room.
I awoke to the sight of an angel, or at least my angel. Carlisle was standing by the bed side, his eyes red and puffy.
"Am I too late?" he asked. I didn't know what he meant. Was he too late for the baby or was he too late for me?
"The baby is gone," I answered in monotone.
"Esme, I don't know if you can ever forgive me but I need to tell you what happened."
I sat in the hospital bed as Carlisle explained how his parents told him that my parents had forbade us from being together. When he got suspicious, they sent him away to finish the semester at a boarding school. They never told him about the baby.
When he received a letter from a friend that told him that they had seen me, very pregnant, he ran away and hitched his way home. It took him three weeks to travel halfway across the country and he had arrived just three hours shy of being able to see his son.
"I love you, Esme. I will always love you. I am so sorry you had to go through this alone."
"I thought you didn't want me anymore," I cried.
"Never, sweet girl, I want you forever."
Neither hell nor high water, nor Carlisle's parents, were able to keep us apart after that. And shortly after I turned eighteen, we were engaged. We were married a year later and Carlisle's parents came grudgingly. Three years after that, we had a beautiful baby girl that we named Tanya. I promised her the day she was born that she could love anyone she wanted no matter what.
Carlisle decided to go into teaching and we struggled a little while he finished school so he could achieve that dream. His parents refused to help us out and all but disowned him for marrying me. I was just as happy not to have their poisonous influence in my daughter's life.
When Tanya was three months old, Carlisle's parents were killed in a freak avalanche while skiing. I was completely surprised that we weren't written out of the will and that we were given everything. Things can't make you happy but I knew that we would never want for anything again. Well that was not entirely true, I would always want for the little boy that I would never witness grow up.