A/N – This is a personal story. It is BDSM centred and features depression and mild manias. This is a slight exaggeration of my own behaviours so please do not tell me that I am wrong and people would not behave like this, they do, I do.
That said, this is also for fun, it will feature Pup Play (Google it), bomchickawahwah, fluff, angst, many aspects of BDSM which I will not be explaining in the story (feel free to message me and ask) and hopefully romance (LJ Gibbs and T DiNozzo).
A/N 2 – This is starts around the beginning of the 1st season and will then jump to Hiatus and then jump again to the Jeanne fiasco and carry on from there. I have not written it yet so who knows when it will get updated.
Gibbs was watching his Senior Agent, hell, his only Agent at this point; he was watching him very carefully. He had seen the signs, an all too eager Tony, brushing all worries under the carpet, forced smile and forced helpfulness and happiness. He was really worried, he knew that his Agent had bolted from job to job over the last few years, he didn't know for certain why but he could guess. People like Tony got depressed easily and despite appearances were frequently lonely, these combined lead to overt manias and behaviours, trying to pretend everything was alright before leading to a breakdown and a bolt out of the door.
Usually he wasn't so invested in his Agents but Tony was different and Gibbs thought he could give him what he needed. God he hoped he knew what he needed. They just had to get through the case first and that wasn't a given, his Agent was butting heads gently with the female Secret Service chick, as Tony had put it, he hadn't put his whole vigour into it and that in itself worried Gibbs.
The case wrapped up and Gibbs invited Tony around for a beer and what he hoped was a chat. Tony arrived to find Gibbs sanding his boat in the basement as per usual.
'Hey Boss. I brought beer.'
'Great Tony, these gonna be goodbye beers?' Gibbs thought he would get straight to the point, if he didn't get to it quickly he would chicken out.
'Uuuhh, I don't know what you mean Boss.'
'I have seen it before Tony, the depression, thinly hidden by a veil of over confidence and over acting, how long this time before it blows up and you run from it?' Gibbs kept his voice level, trying not to spook him.
'I, uhhh, I...' Tony was lost for words, how in the hell had Leroy Jethro Bloody Gibbs found out.
Gibb could see that this was getting nowhere so decided to implement the second part of his plan. He had done some digging on Tony and was about to use some of the information to his hopeful advantage. 'I know that you have tried to help yourself, I know what you tried to help yourself when you first came here, short of drugs, well chemical drugs. What you tried can work just as well as any anti depressant.' Tony looked shocked and then snorted. Gibbs carried on; 'It can work just as well if you find the right kind, you didn't, all it did was speed your decline. I know all about your need.'
'You don't know shit.' Tony spat as he stood to leave, feeling cut and spread open.
'Sit.' Gibbs tone carefully crafted to elicit a learned response. 'We are not finished, make no mistake, this is not blackmail or a casual offer. I like you Tony, in more than a friendly way, and I want to help you, if you will let me. I can make to desperation go away, I can make it all seem OK again, you can stay.' Gibbs rushed it all out before he bottled it and walked over carefully and laid a hand on Tony's shoulder firmly while looking him deep in the eye.
Tony gazed back up at Gibbs, a myriad of emotions rushing through his eyes, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. Eventually he made his voice work; 'Boss, I, how can I, how can you?'
Gibbs sighed, at least he wasn't running. 'Tony,' he kept that special tone of voice he had used when commanding Tony to sit, 'you don't need to make a decision immediately, relax, let your thoughts fall as they come and ask me anything you want.' Tony sighed and fell a little and Gibbs nearly did a jig of glee. 'That's it, relax, I am here, you are safe, I will not judge you just talk to me.' Tony sighed again and fell a little more, leaning in to the hand on his shoulder.
'B, b, boss, I just don't know what I am, what to do, how to do it, how to carry on. I can't keep it up, it's non-stop, and I just don't care anymore.' Tony spoke in a gentle monotone, spilling his confused mind in one go.
'Oh Tony, when was the last time you had a break?' Gibbs sat beside Tony and looked him straight in the eye.
Tony huffed and dropped his head. 'Easier said than done Boss, I have tried, god knows I have tried, I have lasted the least amount of time here and I think I love it here, I think I love you and it is killing me. No matter what I try to do my mind won't settle.' Tony looked desperate.
'When was the last time you felt calm?'
Toy laughed bitterly. 'For about half a second before it began, when I thought I was finally going to get a handle on it. And now, kinda.' Gibbs squeezed his shoulder.
'You never reached subspace back then did you?' Gibbs looked sympathetic.
'No, all I had read about was this amazing release that you got from 'subspace'', Tony almost spat the word, 'but nada, nothing bupkiss.'
'Tony, subspace is not easy to find, you need the right partner to help you get there and I feel that subspace is not exactly what you need boy, but you are a little way in it now.' Gibbs lowered his tone of voice and Tony looked up. 'Do you trust me Tony?' Tony nodded dumbly in his subdues state. Gibbs was pleased, he had bought a few things, all returnable in case this did not go as planned. 'Upstairs Tony, sit on the couch.'
Gibbs followed Tony up the stairs and grabbed a black bag sitting in the hall, locked the front door and sat beside Tony. 'Now Tony this needs to be a clear decision so come up from that warm fuzzy place and talk with me.' Tony blinked a few times and seemed to tense up a little.
'Yeah Tony, boy, I have a proposition for you. I know that you think about ending it, not strictly suicidal but quite happy at the thought that all your thinking would stop.' Tony flushed and Gibbs knew he was on the right track. Now what I would like to try is a little like what you did, but not, you will not need a safe word, you are in control as far as you can just come up from the 'Pupspace'.'
'Yeah Tony, I know you have seen it before, I think it will suit you.'
'I don't want to pretend to be a dog Boss.' Tony made a face and Gibbs smiled patiently.
'That is not what it is about Tony. Pupspace is where you go, you become a dog in mind and action. No human thought process, safe, happy, you just, well, be. You would be my boy, my pup, to be petted and looked after. If you are not happy, your mind will pull you out of Pupspace and you will be back in control again.' Tony cocked half a hopeful smile.
'Well, I suppose it is no weirder than what I tried before.' Gibbs shook his head smiling.
'No Tony not weird at all. You want to try?' Tony sighed a little and leaned a little on Gibbs. Gibbs took that as a yes. 'Ok Tony, it will be light play, if you feel uncomfortable just say so. Other than that no speaking. I will treat you as a pup, we will see what your dog personality is when it comes out. I will not punish you in a painful way, I will not mistreat you, you are safe. If this goes well then the bag over there has some additions to this that may help. I am going to get one thing out that may help the mindset. Any questions while I get it?'
'How do I do this, I don't think I can.'
'That's just it Tony, don't think, just be, start being like a dog.' Tony stared at him. 'Well let's start off slow, no more talking now. Take off your clothes, if you feel uncomfortable you can leave your underwear on.' To Gibbs surprise Tony stripped naked and sat back down. Gibbs didn't want to give Tony too much more time to over think things. 'Dogs don't sit on the sofa, do they Pup?' Tony blinked and responded to the tone of voice and slid noiselessly from the sofa onto his knees.
'Good boy, come here, heel.' Gibbs patted his leg and watched as Tony processed the command, deciding what to do about it, Gibbs repeated himself and patted his leg again. 'Heel Pup.' Tony leant forward and put some weight through his hands and padded over to Gibbs who petted him softly on the head. 'Good Pup, here, got something for ya.' Gibbs held out a soft leather collar and Tony looked up at him and whined. Gibbs couldn't help but let a smile split his face, Tony was falling fast. 'Good Pup,' he petted him more firmly before kneeling on one knee and going to fasten the collar on his new man-pup, 'good Pup, such a good boy.' The collar was soon on and Gibbs petted Tony more firmly all the way down his back, feeling warm when Tony pushed into his hand. Gibbs walked over to the sofa and sat bringing the bag with him, 'Heel Pup.' Gibbs looked up at Tony who was staring at him from across the room, he patted his knee, 'heel.' Tony came over slowly and stood on all fours in front of Gibbs. 'Good boy, Sit Pup.' He knew that he knew that one, Tony immediately complied, tilting his head to the side and whining. Gibbs reached out and petted him, at that point Tony's stomach gave a growl and Gibbs chuckled, 'let's see what we can do about that, huh Pup? Heel.'
Gibbs stood and walked through to the kitchen, Tony satisfyingly at heel, he brought the bag with him and pulled out two silver, flat bottomed bowls. Tony pawed at Gibbs leg and whined. 'Sit Pup......Good boy.' Gibbs said as Tony complied again, he was very easy to train, but then Tony was always eager to please. Gibbs filled one bowl with water and the other with some cold cuts and rice. 'Here ya go Pup, eat up.' Gibbs stood and made himself a meal and sat at the table leaving Tony to eat his food. He had never thought it would be this easy, Tony was a natural, he only had to worry about Tony being embarrassed when he came out of Pupspace.
He stood to wash his dishes and stepped back to get his coffee cup, and nearly fell over Tony who had finished and was nosing at his leg. 'Sit,' Gibbs said sternly, 'Stay.' He walked over to get his cup and Tony was once again at his legs. Gibbs turned and said 'Sit. Stay.' Gibbs held his hand out flat of the palm in Tony's face. 'Stay.' He repeated more firmly. He walked back to the dishes in the sink keeping an eye on Tony who began to get up. 'STAY.' He nearly shouted and held his hand out again, Tony cocked his head and stayed. 'Good boy.' Gibbs finished his dishes and walked out of the kitchen calling 'Heel.' Back at Tony, he sat once again on the sofa. 'Couple o' more things to teach ya Pup before bed time. Up,' Gibbs said patting the couch. 'Up.' Tony shuffled on his feet and snuffed. 'Up.' Gibbs once again patted the sofa beside him. Tony made an abortive attempt to put his front paws on the sofa. 'Good boooooy.' Gibbs encouraged. 'Up.' Tony suddenly scrambled onto the sofa and settled by Gibbs nuzzling into his hand that was immediately outstretched to pet him. 'Good boy Pup, good boy.' He petted Tony for a while, scritching behind his ears, ruffling his hair and just enjoying Tony being there.
Gibbs decided to try his one last command before they headed to bed. 'Pup, lie down.' Gibbs firmly put his hand behind Tony's neck and exerted some pressure. 'Lie down Pup, lie down.' Tony sank under the hand until he was sprawled across the sofa, head on Gibbs lap. 'Such a good Pup, good boy, good Pup.' Gibbs sat and stroked Tony's head for a while before deciding that he was tired. He attributed it to relief that Tony had accepted his offer and seemed to relish the way Tony had slipped into Pupspace with him. Gibbs made to stand which brought Tony's head up and an accusatory whine. 'Yeah I know, I was comfy too, be even more comfy on my bed Pup.' Gibbs saw no reason to try and bring Tony out of Pupspace to sleep. I was the weekend, he would wait until Tony was ready. 'Heel Pup.' Gibbs walked slowly to his bedroom, mindful of the fact that Tony had none of the usual accoutrements that help human Pups stay comfortable. Gibbs tiredly stripped to his underwear and slumped into bed, not bothering with his usual ablutions. 'Up Pup.' Tony obeyed immediately. Gibbs smiled, 'Lie down.' Tony made himself comfortable at the bottom of the bed and curled up on Gibbs feet. Gibbs himself lay down and sighed happily drifting off to sleep with a warm happy body wrapped around his feet.